Being Dominant Through Failures

Yesterday, Sir took me aside and said he had a serious question for me. He said he was originally going to ask another person, a Master that he trusts and converses with from time to time on these things, but he first wanted to see what I had to say, before possibly contacting him.

I was thrilled that he values and trusts my opinion that much.

He asked me how I thought he was to retain dominance in light of failure.

It's a heady question. We both know he's been mentally absent on the D side of our D/s for months now. I am a little frustrated, but understanding. He is dealing with a lot of stress at the moment, and he doesn't typically handle stress as well as I do.

He is also having a real fear of failing in his schooling and certification, and what that will mean for us, and for our relationship. I know he was asking specifically about this situation - how to handle our relationship if he fails this huge endeavor, but it got me thinking a bit broader.

After a bit of thought I think it comes down to a few things.

1. Accept that a failure will happen.  Perhaps not in this instance (and I certainly hope he doesn't flunk out)... but at some point, some time, people fail at things. It is inevitable. Whether it is an exam, a scene, miscommunication, errands... it's going to happen.

2. Of course, try your best not to fail. Plan. Prepare. Work your hardest at it, especially if it is a big goal. If you fail to plan and don't prepare, you're planning and preparing to fail.

3. If you do fail, own up to it. Don't behave as if it didn't happen. Don't let it be the elephant in the room. Own it.

4. If it is a big failure - especially something you cannot fix, allow yourself a grieving time. Grief is about many kinds of loss, and if the failure is the loss of something pivotal, you need to deal with those feelings of grief. This isn't the same as shutting down and running away.

5. After you own up to it, figure out what to do next. What are the next steps? Don't shut down - that isn't going to accomplish much. It is in how you handle the failure that is important. Can you fix it? If you can't fix it, can you make amends? Can you try again? And if you can't do any of these things, what is plan B?


For Sir specifically, we talked about how to handle the event of him not finishing school. I mentioned giving some time for grief. It's been a huge two-year undertaking, that affects our future. If he doesn't finish, there will be feelings of loss for that future and for the past two years of effort. That's normal.

I asked him to have a plan B. We've talked about some Plan Bs for awhile now, but it's up to him to decide the best course of action.

I asked him not to forget who he is. He is the Dominant. Just as it was really difficult when I was allowed to forget who I was as his submissive, him continuing to forget his Dominant side would be disastrous. If he's not up to jumping right in, I think a good course of action is to read and think. I sent him some websites with articles on dominance. I find immense help in reading the thoughts of other submissives. It makes me think about my own nature and our relationship. It keeps my head in the game. I truly do think it would help him a lot. Read and think.... and plot.

If your mind is active, it is easier for the rest to occur.

For the record, I have every confidence in him. Things have been rough, but he can do this! He didn't do well on his final certification exam... BUT he gets to re-sit the exam on June 30th. So all is not lost. He's got a few weeks to turn it around. And he can do it. He's just got to buckle down. And I'm here for him, through success or failure.