Monday, June 13, 2016

Sir's Views on Munches and Isolation (and mine too)

I shared a blog I read with Sir a couple of days ago, to get his point of view.

It was this one:

I wanted to know Sir's thoughts on it. On how he feels about munches and the "cool kids" vs. being "on the fringes". (just saying the words 'cool kids' makes me cringe)

This is what he had to say:

I guess I don't quite know how to respond to this. Having had a lifetime of being one of the "uncool kids" I've learned to accept that some people are always going to be elitist. Regarding the munches that we've been to, I have observed the same thing though I also see that the munch leaders try their best to include everyone. During some of the larger gatherings that can be lost in the bustle but they still try.
As for myself I gave up trying to impress people or be "cool" a long time ago. Only those closest to me, the ones that have earned my trust, respect, and loyalty will truly have any influence on my behavior, attitude, or feelings. This exact same problem exists in my class at school as well. While I haven't been completely rejected like [Classmate X] (and that truly is due to his own actions and attitudes) I'm definitely on the fringe of the group. If I were to "rank" the class in terms of social "coolness", it would be [classmate 1], [classmate 2], [classmate 3] and to some extent [classmate 4] at the "top"; [classmate 5, 6 and 7] in the "middle" and myself on the "bottom" or "fringe" if you'd prefer that word. [[Classmates 7 and 8] have pretty much removed themselves from the equation mostly in terms of not typically gathering at lunches and similar places but they still talk and communicate with everyone on an individual or small group basis. [Classmate X] is the only one who has been actively shunned by the class due to his own attitude and refusal to abandon his open contempt of anyone that doesn't fall within his definition of "successful", which means pretty much everyone that isn't his theoretical "superior".
I feel that the (rather lengthy) assessment of my class probably applies to munches as well. In any society there are going to be those at the "center", those in the "middle ground", those on the "edges" and a small number that are completely on the "outside" though whether that depends on the attitude of the core society or the result of actions and attitudes of the individual operate largely on a case-by-case basis.
I guess I am impressed with his ability to articulate himself, and his rather mature views on the situation, especially given his history.

These are my feelings on it:

This sums up the experience at pretty much every munch I've ever been to. I am not one of the "cool kids"... and I think it is just a matter of time and being present so that people get to know you so you can assimilate... and yet, if you don't know the main people who attend the munch, you sit on the outskirts feeling awkward as all hell. I still go, because I don't believe it is intentional and that time will allow for others to get to know us, and make it easier for us to integrate.

I have a much better time when I get to a munch early and I can pre-select my seat based on where I think the leaders, or a main group of people will sit - because that is where people who are comfortable will gather and it makes conversation easier than if you're 3 or 4 people at a table on the fringe.

Sometimes I am able to make conversation with other newbies around me, and those are good times, but there is still that feeling of awkwardness, of forced conversation even when people do move around...

I suppose I hadn't thought that deeply about it previously, but with the subject being brought up and thinking now, I suppose I thought I had felt comfortable enough in my own skin, and old enough that these types of social mores that I found typical of my high-school era to not apply any longer. I now realize that I was wrong to a degree and am wondering how much of the "fault" lies within my own self. Being self-conscious and the like.

And all this thought about munches, when we haven't gone to one in months!!! (that may also be a problem; finances)


  1. Hi Lea, interesting thoughts. We have only been to a couple of munches and one event. On the whole my impression was that the munches were more inclusive then the event. I wad never a cool kid either.


  2. Q and I are pretty happy on the fringe. We go to events when we want/can, we know and are known by enough people in our local scene to be vetted, but we don't have the time or energy to commit to being one of the super active, popular people and that's fine with us. I think it's good to get active in your local scene, for education purposes, to observe, learn, and get vetted if you're ever wanting to play with others, but other than that- I think for those of us with non-kink lives, work, kids, family, etc. can't really worry about being 'cool kids' when we're too busy adulting. LOL

  3. I agree with your Sir. These social classes exist in every environment... you cannot be social with "strangers" without encountering it... the "cool kids" tend to be quite insecure, IME.... I don't attend munches anymore because of it... I'm not tolerant enough ;-) But to those who enjoy them, I say carry on!

  4. I am definitely not trying to be one of the "cool kids". Like Tamar said, way too busy adulting; I don't have the time or the energy. I guess I had a revelation of sorts though, that the social awkwardness, even into my 30's is still there. It won't stop me from doing the things I like to do though!

  5. I have never been cool, or tried to be cool. I'm shy and awkward. I think being accepted in groups is a matter of showing up and showing yourself to be a good person. You know, follow the rules, don't be a dick. Hang out and talk to people. In a few years you will become part of a circle of friends and new people will think you are the "center".

  6. I think my post is coming off as how "I wish that I could be like the cool kids"... that's not really what I'm trying to say here. I am saying that I am amazed that I still have the social awkwardness. I have no doubt that continuing to put myself out there will let people get to know us and make those friendships easier over time. Just a realization that it is no easier now than it was 20 years ago for me to do so!


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