Soup Tray Service

We're back! Finally, after the long holiday weekend.

It was a good holiday, but it was much time away from home with a lot of running around.

Somehow, upon returning here I just feel ... better.

I feel more ready for things to come. I feel I'm more in the right headspace. Maybe something about being away from all of this for a bit.

Upon checking on our poor little kitty who spent 4 days alone (though well-provisioned), I put my chain on, without having to be told.

Sir caught a cold from his sister and wanted soup. I gathered up all our soup selections and put them on a tray (or a cookie sheet since we don't have a proper serving tray) and let him choose from the 6  or 7 soups we had while he worked on the computer in the office. He made his selection, and I returned to the kitchen to prepare it for him.

I put his soup, napkin, spoon, beverage, and a shot of cold medicine on the cookie sheet and served him in the office. The act seemed calming and peaceful to me. It made me happy to serve him this way. I'm hoping this feeling will continue.

It's good to be home!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to any and all who celebrate! Though it's been a really difficult year, Sir and I have been blessed in so many ways.

I had my tooth extracted a few days ago. Though that is never a fun thing; the process was quick. It wasn't quite painless, but my fabulous dentist had that sucker out before Sir could even settle in for what he and I thought was going to be a long wait. The kicker for me is that they didn't prescribe me any pain medicine. They told me just to take "whatever over the counter stuff you usually take".

I've never had an extraction where my dentist didn't try to ease that pain a little, so it was a bit of a shocker for me. I've been taking ibuprofen, and the PM version when applicable and I've been doing okay. A few times the pain has been a bit much for me though. I'm definitely not a pain wimp (or a pain slut for that matter), but extreme mouth pain is not something I handle well.

Sir has been absolutely amazing. He has been taking great care of me. Because of my big dental anxiety I was prescribed Valium before the procedure, so he got me up, ready, drove me over there, and waited like a champ while I had this thing pulled. Afterwards he brought my loopy self to get medicine, went to the market to get all soft foods, and then put me to bed when we got home and put everything away. My appointment was around 10 o clock, by 11:30 we were home, and I slept until after 8 pm. When I got up he made me some soup and just kept me company for a few hours until I went back to sleep.

He has had a break from his school program so we've spent the whole week together. Finishing up holiday shopping, cleaning, and actually being around each other for more than a few hours per day. It's been a good thing.

Last night he decided we should see Star Wars again. He made an "executive decision" while I was in the shower and bought tickets online. I went with it, even though I had apprehensions since it was Christmas Eve and we had much to do, and we don't exactly have a lot of disposable income right now (plus the tickets were bought, and well, he said so, so what else could I do?). We had a good time. He brought a spoon and got me an Icee so I could have a movie snack. After the movie we went to pick up some cat essentials since our kitty is going to be alone for a couple of days... but we live in Central PA and it was Christmas Eve. We had to go to 3 stores all at the opposite corners of town to find a place that was open. I was initially really pissed off, thinking... what should you do when your Dom clearly makes the wrong decision?

Well, you should get over yourself and go with it. Because it all worked out in the end, and second guessing and throwing anger around solved nothing. We found everything we needed. We still had time to come home and have a nice dinner together. And me sulking and lashing out helped not one bit. What I should have done was what I initially did. Voice my opinion in a calm manner, let him make his choice, and then just go with it. I did the first part, it's the second part I should have scrapped (the anger and seething when we were having a hard time). Hopefully I will learn for next time.

We had our first Christmas together; just me and him. Lovely candlelit dinner with the Yule Log on. We sat after dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. Talked about the past year. Got up for Christmas morning, had breakfast, did gifts, sat and enjoyed more Yule Log. Sir was extremely thoughtful in his gift-giving. We each came up with a budget for each other. We each went over by a little bit.

Sir and I got a lot of thoughtful things for each other, but my clear favorite from him is this Minecraft baby sheep plush, now oh so cleverly named Sheepie. I asked Sir if we could bring him with us on our road trip (he said yes).

We've since made our way to New Jersey to visit with his family and it's been lovely. His mom spoiled us; truly. And just seeing her is a great thing. I know Sir misses his mother more than he probably lets on, and she definitely misses him with us being so far. A friend of her's actually put us up in a hotel for a couple of nights so we could visit together without being a burden on her already over-encumbered house. Another great blessing.

Before I try to get to sleep (I think this Advil PM is finally doing its job), I wanted to share my new hair, because I love it, I'm really excited, I just realized that pic with Sheepie is the first I'd posted of it (and it's just the top of my head), and Sir told me that I'm allowed to be pleased by my own appearance; I can be proud of my hair!

Now that I'm on winter hiatus from work, I don't have to conform to normal hair color for the next couple of months. Having brightly colored hair is a joy of mine, one I haven't had in at least 7 years.

I started with something simple, just a little taste:

Just a little stripe of purple in the front of my head. Once I had that taste though, I really wanted more. So, as of last week my head is now red on top (fading to pink) and purple at the tips. I am totally in love with it. I hadn't dyed my hair in years! And for my first time attempting something like this, I'm pleased and proud.

Sir likes it too, and has indicated that he'd really love more purple. He's usually pretty indifferent when it comes to my hair (other than brush it and don't cut it), so I'm even more excited!

Merry Christmas! I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday!

A Good Weekend

Sir and I had a good weekend. Busy, but good.

Friday night we went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Sir is a HUGE fan. I got him tickets months ago and gave them to him as a present for his birthday. I reserved seats in the fancy theatre with reclining seats. It was nice to not have to wait on line for hours, though there is something to be said for that experience, too.

Without giving away any spoilers, Sir and I both really loved it. While I do feel a pang of sadness that the expanded universe is basically thrown out, perhaps they can be enjoyed as more of an alternate timeline, alternate universe type of deal.

It was laugh-out-loud funny. It did a good job of providing just enough fan service and nostalgia without being ridiculous. I enjoyed the two new main characters. And I'm excited for how they're clearly setting things up to come, story wise. A lot of unanswered questions at the end. 2017 will be exciting.

2016 is going to be all about Harry Potter, but we can focus on Star Wars now.

Saturday we drove out to my mom's. She decided to have her family Christmas party a week early so we're not all trying to figure out how to fit things in. It was a good time. We had dinner and spoiled my niece and nephew who stole the day with just being adorable. It's always a great thing to watch kids you love enjoy Christmas.

Sir attempted to fix her computer, but it would require a soldering iron and more skill than he believes he has. We're not even sure how she accomplished such damage, or that fixing it would be possible with a better professional or worth it. We're thinking that computers might just be beyond her abilities. I love her, but the woman is a nightmare with electronics. She does have a wireless router, so we're thinking of getting her a tablet so she can go on "The Facebook". That's really all she does with her computer anyway.

Sunday we took my brother Christmas shopping so he could pick things up for his wife and kiddos without their knowledge. Since he lives in the Bronx, he doesn't have a car, so us being there was convenient and lucky for him.

When we finally got back home, Sir comes out of the bathroom with this apparatus dangling from his fingers:

"Bitch... explain."

"...What?"

"Bitch, explain what this is for and why you have it."

"Um... it's the cover for my curling iron?"

"...oh."

Sir thought it was some type of penis bondage device that I planned on surprise-using on him. Um, no, but I guess I can see where he's coming from. I didn't think about it before but it does have that type of appearance. But I would never just spring something like that on him; even with our (my) struggles lately, I wouldn't overstep my role like that. And if I were going to do that, I don't think I'd leave it casually laying around in the bathroom.

But it was pretty funny.

Tomorrow Sir is taking me for oral surgery. I'm having a tooth extracted and will be extremely loopy. I'm just sitting here waiting for the Valium to kick in so I am calm enough to sleep. Dental things are one of my big fears.

An Epiphany

Unplanned struggling again last night. He bound my arms and attached them to my chain.

Then he goes to put his fingers on/in me.

I hate that. I have a really hard time with receiving fingering/oral. Some kind of embarrassment about my vagina I guess. So I struggled. Not well with my hands kept around my neck.

He won, of course. But before he did he was a bit exasperated.

Him: "What am I going to do with you? I just don't know what to do with you."

Me: "... I think that's the problem."

I shouldn't fight so much. I know this. I don't plan on it. I don't sit there and say to myself, at 11:47 pm I am going to make his life difficult. It's just been hard for me to accept and let go. How can I sit here and say I want more, but then resist? I don't even understand myself I guess. But I suppose I need him to put me in my place. Fight for what he wants. Show me he means business, I guess?

I do serve him in other ways, and I suppose I need to remind myself that it's not all failures. Even though I feel grey in a colorful world, we're doing okay. I've been home since my job is on winter hiatus. I've been slowly cleaning the house and getting it back in order for us since I'd done nothing in the 4 months since my dad passed. I decorated for the holidays. I finished organizing the office and my little nook. I've helped him study for his exams, drilling him with flashcards. Brought him tea and baked him cookies when he's studying. Got up in the dark with him every morning to make him breakfast and prepare his lunch for the day (and then go back to sleep). Picked out and purchased Christmas gifts for his family. Sent Christmas cards to his extended family from him.

Maybe the issue isn't what we are or aren't doing, but more how I feel. Or don't feel. I know the healing process takes time, but it's hard when you're so entrenched in it to be able to see the other side.

Punishment and Being Vanilla

Twice this week I've been punished for not remembering to put my chain back on when re-entering our home. I've had cornertime as a punishment. I'm trying to work on feeling contrite and wanting to do better. It's a struggle, honestly. I feel more annoyed that I'm being punished than anything. Though, as long as it modifies my behavior, I guess the punishment is doing its job.

When I was punished, Sir handcuffed me to my collar chain and had me stand in the corner. After several minutes of this I just up and decided to sit and then lay on the floor. He didn't say that I could or couldn't. He could see me. He didn't stop me. My back and feet hurt from the massive amount of walking we had done earlier (we went to a holiday program for the public at my job and then Christmas Shopping).

He let me lay there like the pathetic puddle that I was and then had me get up. He said he just didn't want to fight me on every little thing. I guess because I was still essentially where he put me, and I couldn't get the cuffs off, his point was made.

He said he wasn't going to ask me if I was going to forget again, since we both know the answer. I do feel like I need to remember. I think part of it is 4 months of vanilla. I'm literally having to re-learn everything. Another thing is that I'm off. I'm home and I'm not usually going anywhere so I'm not getting "practice" putting it back on when entering the house. Maybe I need to make sure I leave the house everyday, even for just a little bit. It's still nice weather despite being mid-December in central Pennsylvania, so I'd have to take my chain off; can't really hide it under a winter coat. This week it was 70 degrees!

A lot of this sounds even to my own ears like excuses, and perhaps they are. Maybe I just need to get over myself. Get over feeling sorry for myself. Get over this slump of depression (though that's easier said than done). Sir and I spoke and we thought about when I first started wearing the collar in the house all the time last year. I forgot a lot back then. But over time that shifted to remembering nearly all the time. Hopefully this experience will also go this way.

Earlier this week, Sir tried to initiate sex, and I fought him. Not hard, just physical resisting. He asked me if he should stop trying, and I thought about it and finally said, "No. I think I just wanted to feel the struggle." I wanted to feel him overpower me.

We talked about it and I think its just that we've been having an awful lot of vanilla sex lately. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I want... more. I think I am ready for more. Right before he started in on me, I had asked him where our toybag was. I feel like I've been "hinting" about it. Not quite hinting, because I know that many men do not get subtlety. But making statements like that I feel like are obvious. I don't want to just come out there and tell him specifically what to use.

Some people have said that he is probably waiting to see if I'm ready for more, and that I need to show him that I am. When we talked, that's not really the thing. He just really hasn't been thinking about it lately. I guess being vanilla for months has an effect on him too.

I guess I need to work on not being punished, and following the rules, while encouraging us to get our kinky sex life back on. And he has to work on being more present, mentally. He's been having a very stressful time in his program lately, and I get that. I guess I don't want to add to his stress by being needy or pushy. I'm trying not to be as high-maintenance (attention-wise) as I usually am.

As a small victory, last night we came in from a Holiday Party for my work and and I DID remember to put my chain back on without his prompting or being punished. So, perhaps there is a light here; I can do this, it will just take time.

Titles and Honorifics

Sir and I were having a discussion about the future and the possibility of a Master/slave dynamic (wayyy in the future). While whatever will or won't happen there is still on the table, it brought us back to an interesting conversation.

Titles.

Early on, it was decided that I would call Sir, Sir. I'd been just using his first name for months, like any other couple. Then I started calling him "The Dirty Old Man" (which is what I mean when I write The Dom, on here; it's not quite "the dominant"). Transitioning to Sir was not easy for me. While I didn't disagree with the term, getting used to using it and remembering to use it was difficult. Even today, the day I am writing this post over 4 years later, Sir had to prompt me to add "Sir" at the end of a sentence I spoke responding to a question he asked (though I am MUCH better now and I think Sir would agree).

When it comes purely to use of terms in M/s - I've always had problems with both the use of Master and the use of slave/being owned (for me, personally - I find no such issues with others who use the terms for their dynamic). Having the word slave used to describe me always used to evoke a knee-jerk gut reaction of "NO" and "WRONG". Now though... not so much. While I really don't think it accurately describes me and my level of service and I would not be comfortable being referred to as such, my aversion to it is definitely much less.

When it comes to using the word Master, I don't think it is something I would want to use to describe Sir. Even if our dynamic shifted, and we went to a full-on TPE dynamic, I would probably want to use the word Sir. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that, besides the fact that what I call him, is really up to him.

It turns out, he agrees. He prefers to be called Sir. I mean, I knew that of course, as it is what he decided I should call him. Though that came about more by a "Yes, what?" prompting over months while having my hair pulled and being punished rather than a strict "You will call me Sir from now on" conversation (though we did have that conversation, too).

Sir has had one other kink relationship other than me, years ago. I was just about to ask him, "Well, what did J call you?" when he volunteered the information. It's strange that in nearly 4 years this bit has actually never come up before.

But during the course of their relationship, she called him Master.

For some reason I was a bit floored by this. I just didn't expect it some how. Because Sir is... Sir. He did chalk some of that up to them being newbs back in the day and her calling him that in a misguided "this is what you're supposed to do" framework (Twue BDSM and all that, I suppose). He did say that overall, he didn't like it. It didn't feel right to him. Not sure why. Maybe because he hadn't earned it? Maybe because of lack of experience? Maybe because Master for some people (like me) evokes silly association of Dr. Frankenstein's servant. When I say it, this is what I seem to hear in my head: Yes, Master.

I think that his decision to have me call him Sir with our relationship shows his growth and intelligence as a person. He chose what is right for him, and didn't bow to what he thought were the normal conventions.

I do think that this is the right decision. The use of a title or honorific does add to our lives. It puts reverence in addressing him, and adds to the power exchange. It wouldn't be the same if I only referred to him by his given name. Though even if I disagreed, I guess I would have to go with it. He could decide tomorrow that he would prefer to be called Master. Or My Lord. Or Grand General Dragonsfist. Whatever. And I would have to get over myself and do it.

He has an honorific for me, too. Of course he uses my given name. But his general title for me is "Bitch".

"Bitch, come here."

"Bitch, get me a drink."

"I'm proud of you, bitch."

I think in another context it would be seen differently - how could "bitch" be seen as an honorific? But when I hear "bitch", it makes me feel all sorts of wonderful inside. And it reinforces my submissive role. Sir is never cruel with it. Never, "You're a fucking bitch." He never uses it to put me down in an abusive way. It's a title, not an adjective (Though I do understand that its effectiveness in making me feel submissive comes from its use as an adjective).

He could decide to change that, too. Call me something else.  But I suppose it would be okay. I would learn. Because above all, I am his.

Some Struggles and Fears

I've been having trouble with schedule and sleeping.

Sir and I are both the type of people that naturally revert to being night-owls if we don't have day-jobs.

On the plus side, I finally received unemployment! I can actually take this break during the winter lay-off from my job without worrying about finances or looking for other work. We can work on getting us back to us. Work on healing my broken heart. Work on my headspace.

A couple of days ago, Sir and I came back in the house from picking up our Christmas cards. I started cooking and forgot to put my chain back on.

He caught me, and put it back around my neck, close to my throat.

We had dinner, watched some Doctor Who.

After, he made sure to let me know that he didn't forget.

Stripping me bare, he had me stand and get reacquainted with the corner, straddling a small waste-bin we have in the bedroom.

I tried to fight him at first. I'm not sure where the impulse came from.  I fought him from removing my clothes. He "gave up" - but not really. It was more humiliating to stand there, nude except for my socks and my tights around my ankles.

I should feel contrite. He had me stand there for... I'm not sure how long. At least a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. But I didn't feel contrite. At all. I definitely felt like I don't want to forget again, because I don't want to stand there wasting time, but I wasn't feeling bad for not remembering.

My head is not in the right place. I should feel disappointed in myself, and have an urge for doing better. I do have a small urge, but I think it's coming from the wrong place, from not wanting to be punished.. I suppose it will take time for me to get my own head back. I have different thought patterns and new fears.

Last night while I lay awake in bed I blurted out to Sir a fear that I've just been keeping in my head.

I'm afraid of him dying.

I never used to be, not really. I'd worry if I didn't hear from him or if he was out late, but it wasn't a real tangible fear.

Unlike fearing for Sir, I never really worried about my dad dying. I suppose I'm worrying about Sir because of my dad dying though. My dad seemed young; these things happen to other people. I've had deaths in my life but not like this. My uncle died when I was 11; he was about my age when he passed. But I was too young to fully process it I think. After that, I had other relatives pass; all were older though.

The first person to pass away that had a real, lasting grieving effect on me was my Nana, my dad's mother. But she was older, and was terminally ill. It wasn't a surprise or shock. And though I miss her, the pain was less. I could think about her not suffering anymore; at peace. I could think of her long life.

But this pain with my dad is different. I think about how young he was and how him and us were robbed of his future. All the things we'll miss out on. And I guess that's making me worry about losing a future with Sir.

Last night he went to a local game store to play. He gave me a call in the afternoon and said he wouldn't be home until later. This is not an uncommon occurrence. As the time got later however, I kept wondering "what if". What if he didn't come home? What if something happens?

Luckily my fears were not realized, and Sir came home to cuddle, but that didn't stop me from leaking all over his back as we spooned (I was the "big" little spoon).

I guess with time it will all get better. My headspace will improve and hopefully those fears will dissipate.

Don't Trim Your Tree, Trim Your Submissive

I think I'm finally up to decorating our place for the holidays. It's been difficult before; Christmas music and the thought of the holiday makes me melancholy.

Sir helped me take out our decorations and tree and we got to decorating.

But not the tree - yet.

Hope you're all starting to have a good holiday season, no matter what you celebrate!

This was inspired by the 

Sinful Sunday Prompt: 

Festive.

Renewal

Sir finally decided to make the renewal of our relationship "official" - at least for us.

This is what I am currently wearing around my neck as a symbol of my service to him:

New collar. As an aside, I'm totally loving my purple hair.

I have worn a chain around my neck before, as a punishment in a way. Because I needed an attitude adjustment. I thought about it much and did my best to accomplish it in the spirit that Sir had intended. I hope that I can accomplish this again.

I was taking a bath the other night when Sir came into the bathroom.

"When you are finished with your bath, I want you to come find me."

Gulp.

I was immediately nervous. When I was done with my bath I came to him before anything else - no dressing or drying off.

When I came into the office, I saw that on his computer screen was my previous post about who should re-initiate a D/s relationship.

My anxiety magnified tenfold.

He asked me, "Are you nervous?"

"Yes, of course I am!"

"Why?"

"...Because you're going to do ... something!"

"What am I going to do?"

"I... I don't know!"

I think that is the biggest part of anxiety - the not knowing.

"You have my post up there like it's on purpose for me to see; of course I'm nervous!"

"It is on purpose."

Part of me overthinks and over-analyzes and wonders if all this was prompted soley because of my post. Sir likes getting into my head, but I don't want to try and manipulate situations through him reading my blog. I should just get over myself though. If he didn't want to take action; he wouldn't. The blog is just another tool for him to take a peek  in my brain.

At this point he grabbed my wrists and pulled me over his lap, proceeding to spank my ass. I started counting in my head while I was wiggling around and he made it to over 130 before he stopped and had me stand before him.

He took out the chain and secured it around my neck, pressing a kiss there once he was finished.

Then he yanked me over his lap and beat my ass some more.

When he was done, he told me to get a paper and a pen. To start some dictation.

The seven year old in me wanted to giggle. But I got the paper and pen.

He had me write the following per his instructions, and read it back to him a few times:


1. I will sleep naked unless on my period or given permission to do otherwise.

2. I will wear the collar that has been provided to me by my Sir.

3. I will maintain the house to the best of my ability. Specific circumstances and events which may interfere with that task will be approved by Sir.

4. I will greet my Sir when he comes home in a submissive and respectful manner.

For number three, I helped him rework it a few times so it made grammatical sense. I asked him too many questions about how each of the rules would play out, so he added this:

5. I will obey the rules that are given to me in the spirit in which they are given and I will not nitpick about technicalities.


It's been a few days. Sleeping naked is an adjustment, but it's not as hard as I thought. I think it will be more difficult when it gets colder. Yesterday it was in the 50's, which is unseasonably warm for December in Pennsylvania. I keep a set of pajamas by the bed so I don't freeze when I wake up. I ask Sir for permission to put them on while in the house.

I need to work on greeting Sir when he comes home. That was a rule introduced.... before. I think this is the one that will take most of my attention.

Having the chain is a joy for me. It helps me get in the right mindset. It's different than before. I do feel like I have the chain because I'm not ready for a proper collar yet, like before. But I feel less punitive about it this time. Things went awry, and we have to build ourselves back up. We can pick up and move on, but I don't think we can just pick up right were we left off before - too much has happened, too much has fallen. Though I am in control of my actions, I think given the circumstances of why things went south, I don't feel like I am being punished. It's not so much that I lost my submissive nature; it's just that everything else was sucked out of me, submission included. I've been running at bare subsistence level and it's time to build that up. The chain as a collar is a first step in that direction; that's what it means to me. It's more controlled by the environment; temperature and the like. It's got holes. But over time perhaps I will fill those holes in my heart and my submission and work my way back.

Sir said if I do well, perhaps a new collar is in order. I hope I can become worthy of that.

Who Should Re-initiate a D/s lifestyle?

It's been two weeks now that I've been home.

Perhaps that should really be one. Last week I spent nearly the entire time traveling- 8 days from Saturday to the next Sunday. I was home during this time twice, with my mother but that barely counts.

Still, with all this time spent and not much progress I wonder if we are going to get our groove back.

It's been two weeks, and not much has changed around here. There has been talk and innuendo, but overall, everything is the same in regards to D/s: none.

Some of it may be because we were really busy last week. Maybe it's because I'm needing an "adjusting to the new schedule" time period.

Or maybe it's because neither of us is making a move.

Which makes me wonder: whose responsibility is it to take the reigns so to speak and make a move to get our D/s back on track?

With language like that, it seems like it should be the Dominant who pushes the agenda. Sir's been giving me small tasks each day. Do the dishes. Clean this table. Fold all the blankets. Mostly cleaning related. And he did have me write my thoughts about the future of our relationship. These things are not really big though. I suppose I don't really feel submissive doing them. I think that's the biggest roadblock: my own mind and headspace.

Yet, Sir isn't the only one in this relationship. If I am thinking that I am ready for more dominance, and to submit more, should I not prove it? They say that the first step in being happy is to put a smile on your face. Practice it.

So if I want to be more submissive, shouldn't I try to behave more submissively? Show him that I am thinking about it; practice it.

My brain has moved a little bit in these two weeks. Just a bit. I've made sure I'm showered and dressed every day before he gets home, purely because I know he would appreciate that (Normally I hang around in my PJ's if staying home). If he sets me a task, I do get a small tingle that I had better complete it, to make him proud.

It will take both of us to nurture those feelings, but I suppose I can't expect him to wake up tomorrow and be so heavy handed with me after all these months. He's tried that; and I resisted hard. Maybe he's trying to ease me back into it.

I can't control Sir or what he does. I only have control over myself, at least until he takes that back. So, maybe I have to do what I can on this side of the equation.

Maybe this is all some sort of weird psychology - I resist, he pulls back, and now I want what I don't have anymore, making me want it again. Making me ready.

Between him and me, we've got to turn this around though. It would be too easy to let my misery swallow me up being home each day with limited distractions and be even worse than before.

I want our spark back. I want us back.

I guess I have to show him.

Maybe this time, I'll be ready.

[Now I have Cabaret in my head].

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

If you're celebrating in the US, Happy Thanksgiving.

I've been traveling since Saturday. Popped over to my aunt's across the state for a birthday party, staying the night before. Same relatives as the redneck baby shower incident. It went okay, and it WAS nice to see them. I had to follow Sir's rules about being stronger around them and not doing much for that party. I DID get some donuts and milk for breakfast because I was not going to eat in front of 4 children when they had no breakfast. Other than that, I just bought a gift and enjoyed the party.

That night, I drove to visit my mom. On the way, I stopped over to visit my dad's upstairs neighbors before going to New York. They've been excellent during everything that happened. The man upstairs is a minister and also performed the final services for my father. It was nice to have dinner with them.

Finally went to see my mom for a few days. I helped her around the house, moving furniture, trying to fix her computer, taking her to run errands (she doesn't drive). Last night we came back to my house. She hasn't been here since the day we moved in. It's been good showing her around and visiting. When Sir comes home tonight, the three of us will be heading to Virginia for Thanksgiving at another Aunt's. Friday we'll be heading back here to check on the cat, then drop my mom off in New York Saturday, and visit Sir's family in New Jersey before heading back Sunday. Whew!

I was a bit anxious about my mom being here, since we do have BDSM things in the house. We put them away, but I did wonder if she'd find them. She's not really nosy, but she doesn't know where anything is in the house and I was thinking she might inadvertently find those items while innocently looking for other things. So far, so good. She nearly opened the collar cabinet, but for some reason, didn't. I'm not ready to explain any of this to her, (or to the whole family - she's got a big mouth sometimes) so if any of that can be avoided it'd be for the best.

Hope you all have a great holiday! I know it will be a hard one for us; the first holiday without my dad, but it WILL be a good thing to see all this family.

Sir's Goals and Our Talk

Sir finally let me see his responses, and we went over our thoughts together, in a conversation that took over an hour and fifteen minutes (and we were wrapping that up because it was late and we were tired, haha). I think this is a good thing; it gave us time to really talk about what we wanted for the future, and like many conversations, it developed into other areas to talk about.

Sir's Goals.

It was a good talk. It showed me that although we may use different language and terms, we're on the same page. I am more verbose, especially when initially trying to work through something. Sir did say that his was short.

So the wrap-up version of our talk is that he agrees that right before the shit hit the fan, our D/s lives were probably the best they've been... ever. I guess you have to come really high to fall really low. We're going to start over, basically from scratch. We don't think it should take as long time-wise to build things back up, just because the learning curve won't be as steep.

I'm not sure when he'll decide to re-collar me. In a way, I am surprised that he hasn't done it already. But on the other hand, I think this is also a good thing. It will be on his terms.

Although I didn't phrase it as such and he did, we're both on the same page in terms of a Master/slave dynamic. He and I both feel that this is where we've been heading, organically. I had actually written about this before July and just never felt like posting it after my world crumbled (maybe I'll get to releasing those posts sometime). Its good to know we feel the same. I'd still call him Sir. We'd probably use the term Total Power Exchange if we labeled it at all, and it's something that will take years to get to, we're both sure.

As far as me being a house submissive... I'm not sure if I could flourish in that environment. Maybe if we had kids and there was a reason for me to be home. Otherwise, I think I'd get depressed with that much home-time. Or else Sir would have to put in a LOT of work to make that work, and that's a place he'd have to build himself up to.

I like the idea of working part time, to have more time to focus on service and submission. But again, this would come in years of time. We're not financially or emotionally ready for that. We don't even know in what city we'll be setting down roots yet (should know for sure by late August).

Sir is going to work on being consistent and demanding - expecting more. He's got to uphold consequences of anything he truly cares about. He said he may work on really thinking more proactively about his dominance. Maybe he'll journal. If he did, I'd likely think it to be a private effort. He may start reading the thoughts of other Doms... I know it really helps me when I blog and read the thoughts of other kinky people. Keeps me thinking about my submission and service, even in a time like now where there's not much going on daily.

So for now, I guess we'll have to work on getting our groove back. Putting back into place all those little things that made us work. Made our D/s lives work. and have a plan for how to keep these in place when I'm out of the house for the better part of the day.

Sir's Task: D/s Goals

I took some time yesterday to complete Sir's task. To write my thoughts on long and short term goals.

It took me longer than I expected: Two hours.

I wrote about two pages, but it was conversational in tone. Sir has not let me see his as of yet, though he has read mine. I think he needs time to process and reflect on it. Sir has said in the past that he is a slow, deliberate thinker.

I spent some time really thinking about what I'd hope we'd be. What I'd hope for us in the future. And I think that was the bulk of the writing. Sir mentioned that his was a list, and it was a paragraph or two. Perhaps if I had made mine into a list, it'd be much shorter. But Sir's letter to me told me not to worry too much about the particulars, so I just... wrote.

This is what I came up with:

I'm curious as to what he wrote, and what he thinks of my writing. We'll see what Sir says.

Being Off, Sir's Birthday, and A Task

I made it! I had my last day of work on Friday. It was a busy, but good day. I really do LOVE my job. The commute sucks, but once I am there I really do enjoy it, and I'm glad that I am finally in a place where I can say that. This layoff is only temporary, and my position is secure so I can return. I am applying for unemployment today; I'm hoping we get good news there.

This weekend was Sir's birthday. When I had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday weekend, he finally said that he wanted to get a haircut. Haha, not what I meant, but whatever floats his boat. We both went and got haircuts together (mine was more of a trim). Since he is a meat and potatoes kind of fella, I made some steak, with mashed potatoes and broccoli. And shrimp cocktail for appetizers. And of course, ice cream cake, his favorite. On Saturday night, we went out to celebrate. Went to a local sushi restaurant. Then went to see The Martian. Sir does love his movies. When I think about it, last year we pretty much did the same exact thing. Went to the same restaurant, and went to the same movie theatre! It doesn't really matter though, as long as he is happy.

Sir was taking a picture of my outfit (I made sure to wear something to show off cleavage for him) and I started walking toward him like Frankenstein's monster. Sir also let me take one photo of him at dinner, hahah.

This morning I woke up, enjoying my first day off of this break. I have had a few days to relax with Sir, so I don't feel too much of a need to decompress. I think I can be really productive today, and get things done, like the mountain of cleaning our place desperately needs.

When I came out into the living room, Sir had left a note for me. He hasn't done that in months, and usually when he does, he hand-writes them. Today, he had printed it.

I thought it was interesting that he signed it with his actual name (which I edited before posting), as opposed to Sir, which is what he has done in the past. I guess that reflects the changes that have happened in the past few months. He has mentioned that he wanted us to sit down and talk about our goals, so I have been thinking about that somewhat, though I didn't realize he wanted us to put pen to paper separately.

I'll make these words the priority on being productive today!

Just A Few More Days/Collarless

Just a few more days and then I feel like I can hopefully truly start working on myself and make progress for Sir.

I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.

I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.

I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.

Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.

He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.

I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.

I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.

7/10/15

I'm not quite sure what I should say here, but saying something has been on my mind for a while.

I know I've sort of disappeared here. I am still here. I am still ticking. But I'm not really okay.

I went back and re-read my last post. Where I went to my uncle's wake. That day changed my life.

The night of my uncle's wake, my father passed away.

He wasn't sick. He wasn't old (still in his 50's!), and it was a complete side-blinding shock.

We couldn't even find him for an entire day. After my uncle's wake, he wanted to drive home and after a phone call on the road for directions, we never heard from him again.

24 hours later, after calling hospitals, jails, state troopers, we get a call back. He was gone. He didn't suffer. He simply pulled over into a gas station and passed away... peacefully.

I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I guess it just doesn't make me feel worse. I was so afraid. Afraid he had gotten murdered, or had a car accident. At least he just closed his eyes and went. It pains me that he was alone. I worry that he was scared.

We don't even know what actually happened. We finally have the autopsy results (after them getting LOST for a month) and it says "natural causes". They couldn't find anything concrete, though it did say he had cardiovascular issues. My family thinks he probably had a clot. He was complaining that his calf was swollen and painful.

I miss him terribly, and it is all I can do sometimes to get through each day. My relationship with Sir has pretty much deteriorated. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, and we're okay together... but things are just.... different. Not even by choice... I just cant seem to get it together. There is no D/s to speak of.

At first, Sir used his Dominance to keep me from completely shutting down. Telling me to eat, shower, get up, go to work. Stopping me from spending every minute doing things for other people.  But now, I just can't seem to handle it. Not just that, but anything. Our house is a trainwreck. I can't manage cleaning, laundry, shopping for food, making lunches, etc. I don't serve Sir, at all. All the little things we've set up have gone out the window. He fends for himself and spends much of his time now helping me.

I'm not quite sure how to put our lives back. I don't think I can move on. But I can move forward. Sir and I had a conversation a month or so ago. Both he and I thought I was in a place where we could try to move forward. So I tried. And failed.  Miserably.

I think that even without the rest of our lives, coping with this one thing is enough. But it's not just that. Its a 1.5 hour commute each way to work, and adjusting to that new schedule. It's having 2-3 hours a day to deal with my entire life. It's my family being completely dysfunctional and dependent on me at a time where people should be helping me, not the other way around. I can't even begin to get into their bullshit. It's having cars break down and paying over $2500 in the span of 3 weeks. It's having a break-in and getting our things stolen. It's my dad's cat that we took in who claws, vomits, shits, and pees all over the apartment despite taking him to the vet, trying recommended diets, a new bigger litter box, scratchers, toys etc. I am sick of cleaning up cat bodily functions every day.

I just feel like it never ends. I cannot catch a break. I know realistically that I should count my blessings, but some days it is really hard. I have a winter lay-off coming up in a few weeks and Sir and I have decided that if unemployment comes through, I should just take it and the break and try to piece myself back together. I originally was going to work at a different job, but maybe this will be a sort of blessing. How else could I get this kind of time?

I am just... broken. It's been three and a half months. It seems like nothing, and an enormous amount of time all at once. I don't know what I should do to get Sir's and my life back on track. I do know that this right here isn't working.

If I can hold out and get through the next couple of weeks, maybe I'll have the time to figure it out.

At least I do know one thing: through this all, Sir has been amazing. If I didn't want to marry him before (I did), I certainly do now. And he deserves someone who is more with it than I am right now.

So I need to work hard to become that person once more. I hope I can make some progress this winter.

My dad wouldn't want me wallowing in misery; he would be so angry at me right now, letting my life fall to pieces. So for him, and for Sir, I have some work to do, and hopefully the time to do it in a few weeks.

Daily Beatings and The Whiteboard

This week is going okay. It's my last week "off" before I start my new job on Monday. I have/had to go in to my current job a couple of days this  week for a few hours, but I've pretty much been home.

Being home has given me time to really reflect on my submission and to keep Sir more in mind. This past weekend, Sir decided to start spanking me or hitting me with his belt in the morning, and before we go to sleep. I've never been big into maintenance beatings, but it is definitely having an effect on my attitude and behavior. I feel like it is also bringing us closer; it's a very intimate thing, you know? I'm not sure if its the act itself or perhaps the novelty of it. Time will tell.

Sir and I have also been rearranging our back office. Sir moved his computer area away from the front window. I love this because I can now get to the window, where I couldn't before. Sir has a huge television computer monitor on his desk that I couldn't get around. Now we can access the window and get some air flowing in here. Once he moved his desk though, he found that my sweet little lizard's tank lights were shining directly onto his screen. So, I had to find somewhere else to put her. Before you know it, we're rearranging the entire back room. The new layout is different in use of space, but provides a little reading nook bordered on three sides by bookshelves. I'm hoping to get some pillows and blankets and curl up there reading soon. Apparently I like to be in contained spaces. ;)

Please excuse the state of the bookshelves; I'm still rearranging everything.

 But if I wait for everything to be perfect, I'd never take a single photo!

While we were rearranging, I also put up a corkboard/whiteboard for Sir. He's mentioned recently that he wanted to get me a whiteboard so he can put instructions, etc. on it. I found two when we were cleaning. He chose the one with the corkboard so he could pin things to it for me. I put it up near my computer, and then had to go about "making it pretty". I added some fabric and ribbon we had lying around to frame the cork board, and put a quote on the whiteboard so it is not so empty until Sir decides to add his touches. Sir said that I may regret that one day - putting so much effort into a board that I may become annoyed with in the future!

 Sir says that a new rule coming will be to check this board 

every day, whether there is something new or not.

I'm off to work in a few minutes. My uncle passed away this week, and I was able to get off tomorrow for the services, but I still have to go in tonight. We weren't particularly close, but it's still sad - he was only 50 and has 3 daughters at home. So I'll have a couple of days with my family. I know it will be great to see them despite the circumstances. I just hope everything stays classy and no one decides to get super redneck like last time.

July 4th Weekend Pt 3

Sunday was a good day. A nice way to finish up the 3 day weekend. Saturday night, Sir and I stayed up late for no reason, really. He made sure to call me to bed and belt me before we slept.

In the morning, friends of mine were in the area and wanted to meet up for breakfast. They mentioned it the night before, but when they sent me a text message that they were on their way, Sir and I were still in bed! That got us hopping up really quick. He skipped the morning beating that I suppose in just a few day's time I've come to anticipate, and we got ready to walk down to the restaurant where we were meeting them for breakfast.

I was initially going to wear another little heel for the short (15 minute) there and back walk, but Sir stopped me and instructed me to wear my sneakers. I was confused, because I thought the short walk would be a good length to practice a bit. Plus the shoes I had on were less of a heel than the ones the day before. I of course put the sneakers on, but Sir also said that he needs to re-explain his wishes in regards to my learning to wear heels. He is going to research some photos so I can understand his meaning.

Part of me is a little relieved. Wearing heels is difficult. But I think that, like many things, with time I could do it. On the other hand, wearing them does make me feel more feminine and attractive, somehow. So I am interested to learn what his actual goals for me are in regards to this. 

I think either way, if he is okay with it, I am going to try and branch out in terms of my footwear and take some of treasure's suggestions. I have at least 15 pairs of flip flops, a couple pairs of sneakers, some sporty hiking boots/sandals. But as far as real shoes go... I don't have many. I wear the same stuff all the time. It actually causes some issue for me when I need to dress up for work, since I sometimes don't have the proper footwear in the right colors. It's weird to be wearing a dress with sneakers (at least at work) or a blue skirt and shirt with some random brown flats.

Sir preferred the sneaker.

We had a really nice breakfast with my friends. We went to a local creperie, and the food was so, so good. It's funny. These friends of mine are actually the only ones, family included, who have ever visited us out here. This is in fact their second visit. I find it interesting because though I would call them pretty good friends, they're not my closest friends. So I find it interesting that they've been out here twice, but my own parents haven't even swung by here at all. 

After breakfast, we grabbed their dog and all walked back to our place. After they left, I'm wondering if they might have an inkling about the true nature of my relationship with Sir. I'm not actually worried about this, it's just an idle thought. We were talking about the architecture of the local houses as we walked, and my friend mentioned the one access to the backyard looking like the tunnel to a dungeon. She joked that it must be the entrance you take if you're bad. I joked and said..."or if you're really good". She gave me a look and exclaimed "Oh... what are you into?". I brushed it off and we kept walking.

Once we got to our apartment though, I noticed that my rules were just sitting out on the dining table. We actually weren't expecting them to come back to our place, so I made no effort to tidy up or do a kink-sweep. I moved my rules quickly under some other papers, but I do wonder if they were seen.

After they left, Sir let me service his feet! I was very excited. This is something that I have wanted to do for him for some time.

I made a nice mixture of peppermint, Epsom salts, bubbles for him to soak. Then I got on my knees and got to work, scrubbing, exfoliating, trimming, filing, etc. Finally I dried his feet and massaged them with lotion, kissing his little toes as a finishing touch.. Sir has said in the past that he wants to really start taking care of his feet, so this was something I really wanted to start doing for him. He wasn't sure how to feel about it at first, but said that we could try it at least once, and then he could veto some or all of it in the future. At the end, he did say it wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be . I'm not sure what he expected!

Looking up at Sir.

In the afternoon, I cleaned the apartment, did Sir's laundry, and gardened a bit. I also went to evening mass. I've been trying to find a church to go to regularly now that we're out here. Last week I tried a new place, and it was really uncomfortable. The priest just went OFF during the homily about the Supreme Court ruling and I was just thinking... I don't want to go to a place that preaches intolerance at such an in your face level. This week I went to a church I went to months before. I was ambivalent then, but I had a really good experience this week! I think I'll be back next week. There is something that makes me feel peaceful when I attend mass. Perhaps "doing right by God", enjoying the service, and quiet contemplation on the walk there and back. I hope to keep doing it.

When I got home, I made dinner and Sir and I ate in our yard again. This time with better weather! Sir rearranged half of the office, I folded his laundry, and now we're about to head to bed. But not without a belting. Sir pulled me aside to belt my ass, letting me know how proud he was of me this weekend, and how he could really see that I was working hard to please him.

I never really understood the point of "maintenance spanking/beatings" but based on the past few days... perhaps there is merit in it. It has certainly kept my attitude where it needs to be. I hope it keeps working for us!

July 4th Weekend Pt 2

Saturday was another good day. When I awoke, Sir pulled me into the other room and over his knee, delivering some good morning smacks to my ass. I attempted to count, but I was wrong. I made us a low key breakfast of cereal, and we watched some anime.

Sir had said he'd been feeling "off" all morning, so he wanted to take a nap. And he wanted cuddles. So I got into bed with him.  Sleep didn't come for me though, so after about a half hour, I got distracted, and then I got Sir distracted. I'm the sort of person that prefers to sleep in, and then not nap all day (though I do love me a nap now and again). Sir seems to prefer to rise early, even on his days off, and then take a nap in the middle of the day.

I think Sir appreciated my efforts. The day before, I told him that I had been thinking about sucking him, which is novel for me. It's not that I absolutely hate giving BJ's, it's just rare that I'm thinking about them in a sort of fantasy daydream type way, which I was. Slowly, I woke Sir up from his nap, through stroking him with my hands, then taking him in my mouth, and finally sheathing him within me. He woke up fully for that.

"Condom?" He sleepily uttered.

"Nope, I was just going to go get one."

"Good".

I rode Sir as best as I could. Sir has a real problem finishing with a condom (almost done with this medicine, then back on the pill - thank God!). I finished, then he flipped me over and fucked me some more. When he had his fill, I gave him my hands, and he got off by hurting me with clothespins while I stroked him. I think it is the sounds I make that do it for him. His climax coincided with him abruptly taking the pins off and my shrieks I think spurred him on.

I think we are both very much looking forward to being done with this medicine, and with condoms, Just a little bit more. I pick up my last bottle of medicine next week!

After a nice shower, we got dressed to take a walk. I was wearing some flip flops, but as it was a short walk, I grabbed a pair of heels. The only way I am going to get better walking in them is to do it. And I have to admit, wearing them is just more attractive. Though I was definitely happy to get them off at the end of the walk.

There definitely is a difference.

Sir and I saw a rainbow sculpture in a local park. Considering recent events, we thought photos here would be fitting. I think our poses pretty much sum up our personalities. Sir is steadfast and I am all over the place. I guess that's why he has to keep me in line.

A photo in the shoes. 

Man, you can see how long my hair is getting here!

After our walk, Sir took an actual nap, and I prepared some dinner. We actually ate in our yard for the first time!

We don't have a proper grill, but the George Foreman does the trick!

 A view from the kitchen window - I was setting the table. 

I am also very excited about the ONE flower that is in bloom on the right!

 Sir takes his seat, ready to eat!

Yay! Our first meal at our apartment al fresco!

Happy Independence Day to all the Americans reading! ^_^

July 4th Weekend Pt 1

It's been a good weekend. Sir had off on Friday, which was great - more time with him. Friday  morning, I was going to get up, but Sir told me to lay back down and sleep. Eventually, I did get up. I grabbed my blanket and my bear, and came to sit at his feet in the other room, all swaddled up. He thought it was cute. He only had me sit a bit before he had be get up so he could "set the mood".

He had me go back to our bedroom, place my hands on the door, and he proceeded to belt me. I wasn't fully awake yet. When he asked, "How many"? I thought to myself, "Fuck?"

Not "FUCCCCK"! But a sort of bubbly ...fuck? Like: oh, perhaps I should have been counting those... maybe? My brain was still foggy and my eyes weren't fully open for much of it. Sir was lenient, probably because he realized I wasn't trying to be defiant.

And I wasn't sure what he meant by "set the mood". I thought he meant for a scene that he was going to do right then.  Turns out, he meant for the day. And it worked.

All day - all weekend really, I've been in a more submissive headspace. I've thought of Sir first, and of serving him. I've asked his permission for things more - eating certain things, wearing certain things, showering, etc.. I've thought of things to please him.

After my belting, Sir told me to get up, get dressed, and to make him breakfast. He graciously allowed me to shower before dressing. When I came out of the bathroom because I forgot a towel, he asked me to get him a glass of orange juice after my shower. I asked him if he'd prefer it now, (which he did) and delayed my shower to get him his juice. I think this is where my head should be.

After my shower, I asked him what he'd prefer for breakfast, then made it for him. After breakfast, he wanted to take a nap. While he was napping, he instructed me to: "Pick a room (not the bedroom), and clean it - you have one hour". I chose the living room. But I sort of got distracted and also cleaned the bathroom and started on the kitchen as well. I had a few finishing touches on the living room when Sir came out of the bedroom from his nap. He made a huge show of inspecting the living room (which made me nervous, but I loved). Walking around, making remarks, lifting his finger for dust. I wasn't actually done with the room so I sprang to re-dust the shelves and wipe down a few key areas, and he told me to get him when I was done. He tsked at me when he found dust, and I went about cleaning everything else I could think of. When I couldn't think of anything else to clean, I went and got him. He came back, and said I did a good job. He then took his fingers and starting searching for dust above the doorways! What an evil Dirty Old Man! I started to get pouty and sulky, sure that it would be my demise and absolutely thinking "That's not fair!" in my head. Lucky for me, he found... nothing. No dust up there. What a lucky bitch I am.

We went out for a date night to see Tomorrowland.  He gave me the task of "getting us there on time". I really do love the discount movie theatre by us. It makes actually going out doable for us. When we got home, we were pretty tired, so we went right to bed.

Almost.

Before bed, Sir had me place my hands on the bedroom door while he beat me with some rope. I did remember to count this time, but I was wrong with the count. I think that if I am standing, and Sir is striking me on my back, my brain does not translsate that to "start counting". But if I am horizontal, or he is only striking my ass, my brain immediately starts counting. This is something I need to fix. And God, some of those blows HURT! Some of them were funny, as people were setting off fireworks, and it seemed his blows were in time to them. He made a thick stack of rope to hit me with. I couldn't figure out what he was hitting me with at first. It did make me thankful to cuddle up next to Sir and sleep though.

More tomorrow. Happy 4th! Here's a shot of Sir that I took while walking around our neighborhood. Man, I wish you guys could see his face (but he has strict rules on anonymity). It's pretty comical.

Happy Independence Day from my man in black.