Hey out there. I'm still alive, still kicking it one day at a time. The past month has been really rough with this new job. I've gone back and forth many times about resigning or staying. I've attempted to resign twice, but got talked into trying to stick it out. Today was a more or less good day, and it gives me small hope. Plus, the paycheck isn't too shabby now that I'm finally getting one!

In the meantime though, I am extremely overworked, exhausted, and stressed. I get to work around 7:30a, and usually stay until after 5, and then I do more work when I get home. I also work on Saturdays. It's killing me a little. Because of this, Sir decided that we should put our D/s on hold. I understand where he's coming from, because honestly, I can barely keep my head above water here without adding additional demands, but... I miss it. I'm sad that its not a part of us right now. It's an added layer in me thinking about the career that I want.

We also have plans to move, in the next year or so. I need to save up a lot in order to do this, and maybe if I can stick this out for a while, and take the suffering a little bit, the payoff will be the things I need to achieve those goals. I need a job where when I go home, I'm done. No extra things, just relax until the next day. Maybe next  year?

Hurricane and New Job Update

Here in NJ I'm just fine. We were very fortunate. The worst we got was that the cable, phone, and internet went out. The lights flickered, and we lost power for a total of one minute.

The areas around me however were hit hard. There are downed trees everywhere, no one can get gas, many areas are flooded. My one job has been closed this entire week. I'm actually hating the new job, and I really want to quit so much that I actually drafted a resignation letter. But I've been waffling on whether or not to send it. I applied for a job in Connecticut and I think that if I get an offer there, I'll quit this job. If not, I'll try and stick it out, but its really making me miserable and it's scaring Sir how miserable I am. It's affected our D/s, again in that I'm overworked, overstressed, overtired and I've not had much time to concentrate on us. I'm also being more cranky and bratty and less inclined to follow rules.

Last weekend before the storm he actually tied me to his bed and struck me 101 times with different implements, until I cried. He said I needed the catharsis, and I think he was right. After that though, I was a pile of mush so we just stayed in bed for the rest of the day, essentially. I did need it, but the trade off comes in time to complete tasks for the new job.

I'm seriously hoping I get the job in Connecticut so that I would feel justified in resigning from this job that I've worked at for a total of 3 weeks (only two of which we've been open).

I hope everyone fared well this past week!

How Much of My Feelings Should I Let Through?

Sir and I had a bit of a difficult night, tonight.

I've been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress lately. My outdoor job suddenly needs me A LOT, and I've been working nearly every day. I have this new upcoming job that has been really disorganized. They've changed my position twice, and I've not even started yet. The workload for the position they now want me for is going to be enormous, but I don't have ANY time off to prepare. I have a training for them tomorrow, and I'm hoping to address these concerns. I'm getting fed up and anxious. But I need this job so badly that I can't really tell them where to go.

My home life has been rather difficult. My roommate has been just that - my ROOMmate. But it's been taking a toll on us. No privacy. No autonomy. Plus the fact that we're both in our late twenties with steady relationships make things awkward to have been sharing a bedroom. We had to find a different solution, so everyone had to move around. Her boyfriend built her a loft in one of our closets. I switched to a smaller room. To do that, the house is upside down. My adorable cat urinated on ALL of my clothes, bedding, and baggage that I had placed on the couch during this move for a reason that I cannot fathom. And the couch too. And the bottom of my closet. So I've been trying to work on what he peed on and where so I can try to get it out. It's way too many items, definitely over 50% of my things. Some of these items are irreplaceable - hand made, by me. Some of them can be replaced, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I'm attempting to get the odor out. I've spent the past few days smelling everything and putting them into piles.

Sir called me tonight while I was in the middle of this. My nose is shot - it sounds like I have a cold, but I don't. Usually, I try to keep my mood as pleasant as possible for him, whether he knows it or not.I try not to let him see my anger, especially if its not directed at him. But tonight, he got a big dose of my angst. I wasn't yelling or anything, but in the middle of talking, he says abruptly - "can I just call you back later?" I said okay, but I was upset inside. Both at him and myself.

I'm upset with myself because my feelings and anger obviously upset Sir. He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with it. He tried, but in this situation there's really nothing he can do. So maybe, I should keep these things inside and not bring him down. I'm supposed to uplift him, not drag him with me.

On the other hand, this is who I am. I am a grouchy person. I've told him this intellectually, but I don't usually present that side of myself to him. But I think he needs to know. He needs to know me - all of me. And I don't respond well to being overstressed. Which I am; a lot. So, I guess I feel like he needs to learn to deal with it, or handle me. As my Dom.

But if its not my place to be like that, I need to learn to channel these feelings in other ways. Usually, when I'm upset, I'll try and confront the person involved. Except here, I really can't. I can't go yell at my cat and gain any sort of closure. I can't just do a quick wash of these things and have it be okay. I can't tell my job to get their shit together. I can't have the house magically fix itself.

So where is the line? Do I keep it in, or do I let it out? Or some other option I can't think of?

Sir called back and apologized for essentially "hanging up on me" (his words). He said that he didn't know what to do, and he couldn't help. So I suppose that means that I should try to keep it contained. On the other hand, I'm sort of upset with him because he can't handle me. This happens from time to time. We're growing, we're learning...except I suppose I feel that he's not. I don't feel he spends time trying to research, or think of new things. I feel that our D/s relationship is stagnant.

Sitting here processing this makes me think that maybe, I should have just stopped. Tried to meditate or relax so I could be in a better state to have a conversation. We don't have any rituals for that. And I'm even hesitant to mention it because I don't want to top from the bottom. I want him to come up with things on his own.

He gave me extra time tonight to write this. But I do have that training early in the morning and I need to head to bed. Time to send a goodnight text and hit the sheets. Maybe sleep will help me process this.

Apathy

 I was being pretty needy and maybe a bit bratty the other night. Sir was an hour away, and I had to work the entire weekend. I’ve not been following rules as I should; my house is in complete disarray, and my daily schedule is all screwed up. As such, I think Sir’s been a bit lenient with me. Maybe too lenient. I find myself slipping, especially in my mind.

Sometimes when I mess up, it’s because of forgetfulness, or because of circumstances out of my control. But lately, it’s been… not quite deliberate, not quite planned, but I’m certainly aware and I’m apathetic. I finally admitted as much to Sir, and writing it here does put a knot in my stomach. That’s wrong. Sir takes care of me and has rational and reasonable rules for my well-being. But I suppose by not enforcing those rules for what feels like quite some time, it made me feel like they didn’t matter. So I didn’t follow. And nothing happened. So I stopped caring.

Accountability is a tough thing. Yes, it’s Sir’s responsibility to make sure that I’m on track, and to correct me if I’m not, but it’s also my responsibility to acknowledge when I’m not following the rules. I need to work to get myself back to where I need to be, or I need to ask for help. And I suppose when the case is apathy, it’s help that I need. If I were forgetful, I could take measures to provide a reminder. But how does one correct their own apathy?

I’ve read a bit about apathy and some say apathy is caused by a feeling powerless. If one is powerless, why care? But in D/s – I choose to give up that power and control. So why am I feeling apathetic? I’m guessing that its mostly non-D/s outside forces poking their head in and pulling me in a few different directions. Making me anxious and taking my focus. I need a reboot, perhaps.

Starting Real Life

That's right - all this interviewing and suit-wearing has really paid off this time - I got the job! And even better, it's a "real" job. Full-time. Benefits. Permanent (as long as I don't mess up). This is wonderful news!

For the past few years I have been struggling with part time, seasonal, or contracted work just to make ends meet. And it's been hard. And I've felt like I was a child trying to play the role of an adult. I start in a couple weeks. I've told my outdoor job, and they've been really supportive. So I'll continue to work there on nights and weekends, as long as I have at least one day off. Someone else there just gave their notice and we're seriously shortstaffed. So I'll help as I can, but my primary focus is going to be the job that is really paying the bills and allowing me to see a dentist.

I'm going to be really busy, but I'll do my best to make time to write here. Plus, Sir might still insist that I write 3 times a week.

So excited!

Birthday!

I still owe Sir a post from last week.

My birthday was this month. I'm now a step closer to thirty, and pretty soon, I'll be a woman in her early thirties, as opposed to her late twenties. It's only a couple of years, but it seems like a world of difference.

My birthday this year was excellent. Low-key, but excellent. Sir came over after work. We went to my favorite diner, and then he took me to see Finding Nemo in 3-D. I can be such a little kid sometimes. He was also so extremely thoughtful in choosing a gift for me. He got me tickets to see my favorite band live on Halloween! I've never seen them live, so this is a super big deal for me!

Sir is so wonderful to me!

Saturday we went out with a few friends to this beer hall that I like. We hung out, and noshed. It's an outdoor place, but it started pouring almost as soon as we got there. Luckily they have an indoor spot also. I feel like I'm getting old - inside there was a band playing (who I liked), but it was loud as hell, and I wished we could go back outside where it was quiet enough to have an actual conversation. It kind of killed the night. But I did get some delicious cider!

Mmm, birthday cider!

We went to visit a friend shortly thereafter and got home pretty late. Sir and I slept in the next day.  Then Sir was feeling randy when we finally got up. My legs were completely shot from running this outdoor challenge program the day before, so I was beat. My thigh muscles were completely overworked, and I was having a hard time walking or squatting, or doing anything that involved movement of my legs.

We're in the middle of having sex and Sir notices that I'm holding my legs up with my hands. He stops, and asks why. I tell him it's because I cannot hold my legs up on their own - its too painful. So he stops what he's doing, grabs some rope, and ties my hands to my feet so my legs have support. Then he goes back to what we were doing.

How thoughtful, haha. A little pit-stop in our lovemaking. Rope with a sort-of vanilla purpose?

I guess things can never get really vanilla with us. But that's the way I like it!

Suits

I've been going on a LOT of interviews lately. It seems to be feast or famine in that department. I'm up for a job that would require a lot of personal growth on my part, but could be an AMAZING opportunity. With all the interviews I've been doing, I've been wearing suits quite often.

Sir's dress code for me does not include pants, mostly. He currently makes exceptions for my outside job (though I'm trying to work in more skirts and dresses there also), and situations like this, job interviews where I have suits. I suppose I should invest in skirt suits for the future, but suits are expensive. So for the time being, I'll wear what I have.

If I get the job I'm hoping for, I'll have no real excuse not to wear a skirt or a dress everyday, much to Sir's delight I'm sure!

This Weekend: Ren Faire Dresses, Being Crafty, and a Good Scene

This weekend was just... lovely. I worked Saturday and then Sir came and picked me up. We went to the Renaissance Faire on Sunday. Last year when we went, I got upset because basically - I felt I didn't look sexy enough for him, and it sort of put a damper on the whole thing. It ended up getting rectified a few weeks later at a Medieval Festival in New York City.

On the left is a picture of the dress Sir chose last year. It's an odd angle, but the only picture I have of that dress. On the right, is what I wore to a festival a few weeks later. I was so happy to be sexy for my Sir.
This year I suppose I settled upon a middle ground of the two. I wore a green halter dress and I made a fairy wreath for it. With the leftovers from making that wreath, Sir and I had a bit of fun.

The dress I wore for Ren Faire with Sir this year.
We tried on some of my corsets before selecting that dress, but I felt like a giant encased sausage in my black leather one, and it sort of sent my self esteem down the tubes. I have put on a bit of weight, and I suppose I was feeling it then.

I wanted something to jazz that dress up a little, so Sir brought me to the dollar store, and I made this wreath that cost about 8 dollars total. I probably could have done it for less if I thought about materials beforehand.

Oh, cats, they always get right in the way. I hadn't put that on the bed for more than a minute when it was his new nap spot.
I had some leftover crafting stuff when I was all done - some ribbon and some fake floral grass that we decided did not look good on my wreath. While Sir was painting on his own, I took those and made it into this:

I presented the new implement to Sir, who seemed amused. I know he likes it when I have a hand in my own torture. I had a job interview I was prepping for, so he set me at his computer while he got to plotting. When I was done he really amazed me with the scene he planned and implemented.

As a sidenote, I really dislike using the word scene when describing what we do, but I haven't yet found another appropriate term.

Sir put a blindfold on me and had me get face down half on and half off the bed. He swatted me a few times with the new toy, but then I heard him getting something else.

THWACK!

He struck my bottom so unexpectedly, and with such force that I cried out. He took the piece of rope that I was just struck with, and bound my hands behind my back. I missed rope. I missed the feeling of it sliding down your skin as he does different ties; the small bites it makes when it hits your body, the tug it gives as you squirm around, the marks it leaves around your wrists... all of it. After he had me bound, he returned my face down to the bed. He used the new toy, and flogged me on my ass, but he didn't stop there. He struck my calves, my thighs, my back, neck and feet. The feet especially hurt. The implement had a definite itchy sting to it. Just when I thought it was over, he had me turn over. He struck my belly, the fronts of my thighs, and my breasts. And my breasts. He had me stand on my feet while he continued to strike me.

The breasts were especially difficult for me to handle, and yet... it made me feel the most submissive. I was fearful, and nervous, but I put that aside and endured. For him. He had me get on my back on the bed and let me know that he was going to clamp my nipples. I got extremely nervous because it's not something we've done often. Being blindfolded definitely helped. I could focus on the sensation and how it wasn't really that bad instead of letting my eyes convince the rest of me that it was much worse than it is. This act definitely made me feel submissive. My fears, my pain, the anxiety, I gave it all to him.

Having the clamps come off is much more painful than putting them on, which he did a few times. I cried a little. Not big heaping sobs, just a few tears leaking. I liked the crying. I liked the emotional release it provided. I liked how vulnerable it made me feel. These tears were because of him, and for him. Sometimes I read about how others cry during/after a good spanking and how much better it makes them feel. I find that idea interesting, and I suppose I got a little taste of it here.

Sir took the clamps off, and had me come off the bed and onto my knees. He told me to lean forward. It was difficult the entire time to maneuver without sight. I kept going and eventually encountered little Sir, as I've affectionately come to call him. I was in an excellent headspace and tried my utmost to please. I remembered things Sir told me in the past, and had much focus.

Sir had me stop abruptly, and instructed me to get on the bed, on my knees. His bed is very wobbly so this was difficult. Upon bending down, I encountered pillows. How thoughtful. It also made me more certain of what was to come. I so enjoyed this position, and the entire interlude. Usually, Sir and I go at it in missionary, which I also like, but I suppose it seems like the ONLY position we're ever in. With all the time he spent working me up, I was ready to go, and there was little discomfort. With him holding me down, and taking his time, the entire thing was just so... delicious.

This was one of the best sessions we've had in a while. I liked that Sir took his time. I liked that he switched things up and kept me guessing. I liked the sensory deprivation. I enjoy all the things we do, but I loved the variety this weekend.

Going to the Ren Faire the next day was just icing on the cake.

Motivation

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, and it got me to thinking…

Sir and I took a 9-hour drive down to North Carolina a couple of weeks ago. I like long drives because it gives a chance for deep uninterrupted conversation. No interruptions and minimal distractions really help you to focus. On the way back, Sir and I started talking about motivation. He says that I’m his major motivation in life. Him saying that scared me a little. I felt like his goals and drive should come from within. We’ve been doing this thing we do for about a year and a half. Before me, what was his drive? He had three major goals, and he accomplished one before we met (establishing his career). I was his second major goal (getting into a serious relationship; finding love). The third and fourth are in progress, but probably a long way off.

I suppose I feel like he should want to accomplish things for himself, and not just for me, or because he thinks it’s something I want. On the other hand, upon seeing that, I do want to help him be the best person he can be, and attain his dreams. So that’s helped.

I think part of being scared by that statement has to do with the fact that Sir is NOT my motivation for the goals I want to achieve in my life. I had certain big life goals before I met him, and I still have goals. My motivation to achieve them comes from within. I do rely upon his strength and consult him for major life decisions, but I’m still going to go after what I want regardless. He’s been incorporated into the plan, but he’s not the focus of it.

As far as my submission goes - that’s a different story. Now that we’re together, I have additional goals and wants for my submission, and my motivation is definitely Sir. I want to be the best me I can be, for him. I want to be a better submissive, to make him happy, and to progress the relationship that we both want. To do that, I need a strong man to guide me; to guide us. Maybe that’s part of me being his motivation?

We’re supposed to get together tonight for dinner and painting fun! Maybe we’ll have time for Really Deep Thoughts with Sir and Lea.

September 11th

Most people know what today is. I've been going about my normal routine, but I think it would be really selfish of me not to say ANYTHING about today - to post other things online, and act like I've forgotten...

I remember where I was. I was visiting my former high school as an alumnus, and I was in my guidance counselor's office. We were discussing options for me to go to college, as my family is poor, and I tried, but couldn't afford it and had to drop out before I even started. In the middle of our meeting someone comes rushing in, whispers something in his ear and all the color drained from his face. He turned on the TV, and after a few minutes, he got called away and I went home. I got ready for work, but we closed the office because what was happening. I went back home, and continued trying to call my dad obsessively (who works in Manhattan). He's fine, but had to walk through the Lincoln Tunnel to get home in all the chaos. My uncle is a fireman and was one of the first on the scene. He retired after that - it was too much on him.

I think remembering is important. People can be very self centered, and it's vital to take time away and think of others. Do something for someone else, whether it's volunteering, or just a simple gesture at the market.

Technology Fails

Sir has gotten me more on the ball about me sending him a nightly photo. Except... my technology sucks. I sent him a photo at precisely midnight, and it arrives to him at 10pm the next day! 22 hours later is not acceptable, phone!

Luckily for me, Sir knows I sent it on time, and not 2 hours before the NEXT photo would be sent. My hands won't have to cramp up this time doing lines.

It's just a pain, however, because we're trying to make the most of being away from each other during the week. It's something I've wanted for a long time, so my crappy old G1 needs to start cooperating!

Exhibitionism in Blogging and Real Life

ex·hi·bi·tion·ism
Definition of EXHIBITIONISM
1
a : a perversion marked by a tendency to indecent exposure b : an act of such exposure
2
: the act or practice of behaving so as to attract attention to oneself

Thanks, Webster's.

Part of blogging tends to include revealing a bit about yourself and your life. Even if you try to keep yourself as anonymous as possible, there are details and stories. If you're not explicitly blogging about yourself, you're making a commentary on something you find interesting. You're exposing yourself and your thoughts to the world.

I have to wonder if there is a bit of an exhibitionist in me. I don't mean in the sexual sense - I don't have a desire to show my naughty bits to strangers in public. But I do want to share this part of me with the world, essentially. I'm not sure if its a desire for blanket acceptance of this lifestyle - of me; of a disdain for constantly having to hide who we are.I can't even fully be myself around my best friend and roommate; her judgement and disapproval is clear and hurtful.

The other day she was in my bed (it's hot and she doesn't have air). Sir asked me to send him a photo of my bed every night (I mentioned him being more strict on a rule he should enforce). So I took the photo. She asks, and upon my telling her, she gets odd and inquisitive, and a bit standoffish and I end up feeling weird. It's one thing to go around and shove our relationship in other's face. Its another for you to be around when certain things happen. And honestly, it's a mundane photo. I'm not marching around in my collar in the apartment, or anything of the sort. So while I don't want to put things in her face, I guess there is a bit of forced exhibitionism there, and it makes her uncomfortable. It's difficult to not make her uncomfortable though, when she's in MY bed.

On the other hand, I also wish I had more of a tight rein on myself and what I reveal; maybe sometimes I'm too much of an exhibitionist. A close friend of mine is aware of my true relationship with Sir. We went down for a visit, and while it was extremely nice not having to hide every little nuance of ourselves, I think Sir and I both need a better filter when it comes to what to reveal. Part of it for me was excitement for FINALLY being able to be who I am and not have to worry about judgement, or hiding things. So every once in a while I'd say a bit too much. For Sir... I think he just doesn't care as much about this sort of thing and just speaks his mind. They're not his friends, so he doesn't worry so much about what they're going to think. He does realize, however that *I* care and we're both going to be better about that in the future.

Dominant Animals

I am the proud owner of a little grey and white cat named after a fish. Or rather, he owns me, much to Sir’s delight.

I own you with my cuteness and demands for noms!
Recently, I acquired two lizards through necessity. They needed a good caretaker as they weren’t in remotely optimal conditions. They horrify Sir a bit but he always said that I would have a zoo given adequate resources. Perhaps it starts now.

 This is my little Princess. I don't have a picture of the Prince to put here yet.

A funny thing about my lizards – they do brilliant displays of dominance. They’re a pair of bearded dragons. I have a male and female, which I’ve since separated since getting them here (I don’t want another 30 little ones, and he was being really aggressive towards my little princess). Baby beardeds are adorable, but it’s a huge undertaking to raise them.

Baby beardies at the Pet shop. Please, break my heart more.
When a male is trying to impress the ladies, or show that he is the alpha lizard, his chin will puff up, turn black down to his shoulders and he will head bob to show his dominance.


I am in charge!
To show submission, ladies and smaller males will “arm wave”.


See, I'm nice and docile and we don't need no trouble here!
I’ve not seen any arm waving, but there has been plenty of bearding out and head bobbing!

Leave it to me to get a pet that tries to dominate everything – the cat, a passing fly, me, even his own reflection!

This is what I'm feeling right now.

That is all.

Earning the Bed

This weekend I was able to earn sleeping in a bed with Sir. Just the bed. Unless I was in the bed, I had to stay on the floor, or stand. Sir made it pretty clear to me that he did not relish the thought of spending another night alone in his bed while I was so very close. But he hasn't come up with anything specific as to how I could earn my way into his bed. That is very frustrating to me; to have goals and restrictions but no clear way to earn them. It's the same with his mark. It's hard to go about earning something with no guidelines. I suppose "be the best submissive to me that you can be" is the best guideline I have, but I need a LOT of work. It's daunting.

On the other hand, it does put responsibility on me to be more active in my submission and to think of ways to be more pleasing, submissive, and of better service. So it may work, if I can be conscientious and creative and constantly coming up with ideas. I fear I will run out or not be able to think on my feet. Earning the bed was a one-time thing. I will have to earn it again each time, until forever or such a time as Sir deems otherwise.

I knew I had to come up with something pretty good so that I could make both Sir and myself happy, and earn sleeping with him in his bed. So I thought for a few minutes and came up with something. I wanted it to be a very obvious act; not subtle. I wanted it to be something that I wouldn't necessarily like so that I could show Sir that I was serious. I think an act can have more meaning behind it if you know someone is struggling. Doing something that is easy doesn't make a grand gesture.

Before I move on, it's important to know that I was on my cycle. That's not meant to be TMI; it's integral to the gesture. I was not feeling glamorous or attractive. Even when I'm not on my cycle I have some body acceptance issues, as many women do.

Sir left the room for a few minutes. I wish that he'd done that naturally, but I basically asked him to. I then stripped myself of all my clothes, and took a kneeling position on the floor. I made sure to spread my legs wide, and place my hands palm up on my thighs. I felt extremely vulnerable, nervous, self conscious of my body, both outside and in.

Then I waited. And waited. And waited. It was honestly only a few minutes, but it felt like an hour to me. Finally Sir came in. I could almost feel my stomach quivering with nerves. He honestly seemed surprised, but I couldn't tell if he was pleased or not. He said he was...impressed, and that I'd obviously done some reading. I did my best to service my Sir to his wishes, and afterwards we had a talk about headspace and reasons.

He informed me that he was extremely pleased with my choice, and that seeing me in that position was quite hot! I picked that pose because I'd read about it, and it seemed like one that showed my submissiveness. Kneeling is also difficult for me; I need to practice. Having my legs open, even on a normal day makes me uncomfortable, even more so under the circumstances. I was initially at a loss in where to place my hands, but I liked the idea of having them face up. They're open and ready for anything he would wish of them, rather than closed, flat, or inaccessible. He did think to himself upon entering the room that I must have been really uncomfortable both physically and mentally, and he was right... but I wanted to offer that part of myself to him... it was part of the gesture.

And after it all, Sir let me have a nice bath with my book and I got to tuck into bed beside him and cuddle to sleep! What shall I do to earn my place beside him next time?

Earning, Marks, Punishments

Sir has been much more rigid with me lately... and I need it. I've been slipping, and I need his guidance and control more than ever. I can see him working hard to be the man I need him to be. I've been overwhelmed with work and my home life, and as a result, I've not posted when I should, and I missed a few bedtimes (that I owned up to). In the past, he'd not notice things like that, but he's been more observant, and checks up more.

I now have to send him a photo of my bed (that must be in sleeping shape) every night. I've been lax with that also (though my bed has been kept in shape) He also got me a giant phonebook, and told me to purchase a notebook. I have to copy from that phonebook when I'm being punished. I did 40 minutes today for a myriad of things, and let me tell you, it sucked. Being on the floor in my restrictive collar doing lines really did a number on me. We'll see how it goes for the future.

In the spirit of earning things, I am not permitted furniture in his home until I have earned it. Last night I slept on the floor. He was nice enough to get me an air mattress because of my awful back, but it was bad enough to be 3 feet from him, but alone. I have to earn sleeping in a bed, or using the couch (I sit on the floor). I'm not sure what I have to do to earn it, however. When we were in Pennsylvania, I was particularly and immediately attentive to his needs (drawing his bath, getting his food, giving him a massage, etc. coming in after a long day) and I earned the bed because of it.

Sir also decided that he wants to mark me...permanently. Not permanent now, but in the future. He had an idea that I could earn a piece of his mark, and eventually over the course of time it would be complete. Then he wanted it tattooed on me. I don't mind the idea of the mark, but I do not like the idea of it getting tattooed. At all. I know its not until the future, but it makes me really anxious. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know what it takes to earn it (though I earned one line of it thus far). I don't like the position of it, were it to be tattooed (my left breast). Tattoos are art, and what if I don't like the art? I'm one that is usually very anti-significant other tattoos. This wouldn't be an issue for quite some time, but I'm still nervous about it.

In the meantime, Sir also presented me with the lovely leather bracelet pictured above. It is to serve as my mini collar, that way I have a reminder of who I am, always. I love the idea behind it, but it does take getting used to. I have to remove it to shower, wash my hands, etc. Sometimes, I forget to put it back on after I do so, which is a big no-no. It can also get stuck to my skin when I'm working outside in 90 degree weather. I'm also always looking at it like it's a watch, or grasping at it to use as a scrunchie, and it's neither of those things. I think in a few weeks we'll see how used to it I am.

Back to the floor for me. Sir allowed me to sit in this wooden chair so I could reach the keyboard to post, but he made sure my ass was smarting before he let me sit down!

Sir is Stepping it Up

Camping 2 weeks ago with my friend was just what I needed, I think. I was away from everything - job, emails, phone, other people. Even Sir. Being away from him really helped me think about things. He has definitely been trying to step it up, and I can see his efforts.

Sir says that I am a really low-maintenance girlfriend, but a high-maintenance submissive. I asked him what that means, and in our vanilla life, it's really easy to make me happy. I don't want expensive things, I'm not interested in what he has; cars, objects, etc. I just want to spend time with him, whether that means being in the house watching a DVD, taking a walk, or going out to a concert or pub, etc. But as a submissive, he feels that I need a lot more attention, and I'm constantly craving more - I need to be controlled at all times. I suppose that's true. I flourish under his hand. But when I'm not taken to task for breaking rules, or neglecting things, or not given tasks in the first place, I get very bratty, unruly, and rebellious. It's true. Sir is good at handling me in person, but when we're not together every day, that's where it gets harder. So we're working on that part, and trying to work in seeing each other more for the rest.

My friend who I went camping with is aware of our true relationship. It was refreshing not to have to hide things from her, like why I go to bed at a certain time, why I'm wearing what I am and the like. She even kept a watchful eye over me, making sure I was following known rules for Sir. It did help, and it was nice not to have to dissemble.

I hope Sir endeavors to keep a tighter hand on me. I should be wary saying that.

Be careful what you wish for!

50 Shades of Grey: A Personal Review

So, I broke down on my camping trip and read the first installment of Fifty Shades of Grey. The following is from an actual email I sent to a friend in response:


Okay, I finished the first book when I was camping. I started the second because of spite, and hope that it gets better.

I hope Anastasia Steele dies in a fire. If she says "oh my" one more time, I'm gonna want to take a pen to my temple. On the other hand, every time I see it, I hear her say it in the voice of George Takei. <3


Also, her fucking INNER GODDESS? How many times does that need to be referenced? Between that and her subconscious (which I don't want to even touch; if its your subconscious, you shouldn't be so aware of it, bitch), I think this chick may have a legit multiple personality disorder. I'm sorry, do all of us have an Inner Goddess? If so, I honestly hope that mine has something better to do than bat sultry eyelashes around, pout, or wear a cheerleader outfit until something sexy happens. Isn't your Inner Goddess supposed to be about being a strong confident woman? The only time that seems to happen is when she "one-ups" Grey with her "smart mouth".

And how damnably hot can that mouth be anyway? ANYTIME she bites that lip, this dude springs a boner and can't control himself. What are you, a 15 year old boy? And, every single time? Get some control. I bet that lips gonna be real hot when she's got the flu; biting her chapped skin with a runny nose. Still find that hot? Hope you like kissing her while mucus coats your face.

I'm also sick of hearing about how Christian Grey's sexy beauty is the model of perfection; the creator of rainbows, unicorns, bacon and all things wonderful. Fuck. That. Doesn't this man have any other pleasing qualities? Also - self esteem. Get some. We all have our days, but goddamn.

And being a virgin? I mean, don't get me wrong. Cute virgin gets corrupted by hot Dom is totally my thing, but can it at least be believable? You have no experience but can now have 20 orgasms a day and you're just a little sore? FUCK THAT SHIT. Can we trade vaginas? I don't see [Sir] for just one week and I'm feeling it.

Christian Grey is like Edward Cullen for bored housewives that actually want to read about sex. And the BDSM stuff.... the sex scenes were okay. Some were like, KINDA hot, but overall meh. And the tampon pulling out thing? Uh, gross. Also, learn science. Pregnancy can happen when your gal is bleeding too. I heard she has a baby in the later books. Big surprise there if that's true.

He's a shitty Dom, and a control freak. I like being controlled, but if you're gonna have a contract, fucking stick to it. You can't have a D/s relationship without guidelines. You wont talk, she wont talk, the entire first book has no real talking about what’s going on in the "Red Room of Pain" *Ugh*, and you're supposed to have a relationship? You stalk her like you're a PI and its supposed to be romantic. Edward Cullen creeps up into Bella's room to watch her sleep. He buys her extravagant gifts to protect her, and shows up randomly to save her out of nowhere. Hey, 50 shades - Twilight called and they want their "plot" back.

He likes control but he can't control himself around her. I know it's supposed to be hot, because women like the idea of a man who finds them so irresistible that they can't help themselves, but in a D/s relationship, a man needs to be strong. He needs to follow through. He can't purposely mindfuck/actually fuck people into what he wants - that's abuse. And even WITH the sex, it IS abuse.

And what gets me most of all is the idea that someone has to be 'fucked up' to be into this kinda thing. Something has to have happened; something needs to be wrong with them. Even the author says so, and she says she hadn't really researched BDSM stuff. I know she had to research SOMETHING because the contract actually looks pretty legit to things I've seen. But everything else, ah shit dude. I don't even know what to do.

The last thing I'm gonna rage about here is what made Ana run. She asked to be punished, and she got it. What I was reading, well honestly, it didn't even sound that bad. She made it sound like beat the shit out of her. Like he cracked a whip in her face and she had lacerations, like he cut her, like he burned her. There's way more fucked up shit that could have gone on there. She gets some swats, and runs like a little bitch.

The only thing I liked about that whole scene is that it made me think even more about how vanilla people view us. People need to get over themselves. On the other hand, every vanilla person that I've heard bashing the series or putting it down, CANNOT STOP READING it. These ladies at the school I was working in drove me fucking insane with the shit they would say every day at lunch for their book club, but they couldn't put it down, could they?

I'm continuing reading, mostly for the hope of sexy fantasy fodder. With the right scenario and trust, some of that could be hot.

/rant

-Lea

Vacation!

I am so excited for vacation! I'll be gone for a week camping in upstate NY with a friend and her family. Sir says I can have the week off from writing. Now I don't have to worry about trying to write from the middle of the woods.

Last night Sir was here to visit, and ensure I cleaned and packed. I was dead tired, and only lasted until 8:30. I was definitely keeping him on his toes - being difficult, being rebellious, not listening, forgetting protocol. It's not like I planned it, but even I could see that I wasn't behaving. I have a week to relax and recharge and when I come back, I'm going to Sir's the next morning if possible. I wonder what he'll have in store by then!

Being a Little

Sir has decided that I should write three times a week. I know some people out there write daily or even several times a day, but for me, 3 times a week is a lot. I am concerned about not having enough material, about being boring, or not having enough time to properly write about the topics I think are good.

Sir said I was rebelling a bit last night, via phone. I was reading my blogroll, trying to get inspired and play catch up, as ever, and I came across a post about being little on Cherie's blog.

While I don't wholly like the idea of ageplay or babyplay, I do like indulging my little side. Its fun for me. But I think I become a bit bratty when I do so. I don't want to call The Dirty Old Man "daddy" or anything like that, but I do get some satisfaction and fulfillment from letting that side of me come out. I'm not exactly sure what Sir thinks of that situation, or how he feels. I know that he doesn't want to do a daddy/little girl thing, as I don't, which is good. I don't know how he feels about being in a nurturing or protective role at times to a 28 year old woman that behaves like she's 6 at times.

I think as time goes on, we'll find out quickly. She comes out more when "I don't wanna", and lately... I just don't wanna. At all. Ever.

I want to feel the breeze around my thighs!

I miss wearing my skirts and dresses. With going back to my "old dress" most of the time, I sort of feel like I'm having an identity crisis.

With Sir, I wear dresses and skirts. I dress to please him, and it reinforces that role. I am funny and smart and loud sometimes like always, but I can have that little girl side to me. I like his direction, and I like to feel like he is big and strong and taking care of me.

But I can be and I used to be somebody else. I'm part of a volunteer organization where I have a leadership role. There, I am loud, boisterous, slightly obnoxious at times, and always in control. I don't take shit from anybody. I attended a weekend meeting for this organization and it reminded me of that other side of myself, a side that I've rarely seen lately, as everything seems to have dropped to the wayside. I was also wearing shorts this weekend because it was at a camp and we were also doing community service to help the camp there. I probably could have worn a dress or skirt. It probably wouldn't have been remarked upon. But I do realize now that there is a fear present of what other people will think, and what they will say, and how I will be perceived if I'm wearing a dress or a skirt in the woods. I need to get over it somehow, or get more casual skirt attire that might give someone and immediate reaction.

In other news, Sir has taken my weekend away to give more thought to our relationship. He would like me to post here more often, three times a week. I'm guessing its in the hopes that I'd get my feelings out sooner, or make more time to think about the huge list of topics I have stored. Make more time for who I want to be, and figure out how to mesh her with who I am. Or transition between the two.

He's thought more about a daily ritual, but I'm not sure what its going to be yet.

I am happy that he's giving thought to this, and trying to progress. I'm also apprehensive because he's right - I'm so busy all the time, and having me do more.... I hope I can handle it. And if I'm not living up to it, and I could be, I hope he has the willpower to correct my behavior. Because i can already tell that I'm not all the way in the right mindframe, and I'm going to rebel.

Day One - Realigning

Why is it so hard to set things right? Sir and I worked it out that we would spend tonight together, come hell or high water. Initially, he was going to drive an hour to get me, an hour back to his house, and the same to take me home. In one night. I worked it out so that I could get myself to his house and stay over so there would be less driving and missed time.

So of course the universe seems to laugh. I didn't get home from work until nearly 6. I had to take a "pre-boyfriend" shower; which is longer and more intense than the 6 am 5 minute military showers I'll do in the mornings. I wanted to make sure I was nice and clean for Sir. And shaved how he likes. I also had to pack for work tomorrow and for the weekend at a volunteer camp, since I won't be going home to do so. That took...forever. We're renovating my apartment so boxes of stuff are EVERYWHERE and I couldn't get to my tent. And I couldn't leave without it. I finally get to it, get packed, fill up my tank and hit the road - it's now after 8 pm! I get to the highway and BAM! Huge construction and sitting. I really started to feel like it wouldn't even be worth the trip - I'm getting to his place after 9:30, and if we stick to my bedtime, that's an hour and a half of time together. I'd be driving more than actual time spent together. I called Sir because I was frustrated, late, and I wanted him to tell me what to do; to come or to turn around and go home. He initially said, "I don't know what to tell you," which got me frustrated, but soon he made the decision that I should continue on. And I'm happy with that. I guess I just needed to hear him say that; to give me the actual instruction.

He spent the rest of the drive talking to me (hands-free), and the time flew by. It was nice, like bonding before my arrival. We had a nice dinner, he collared me and instructed me to write this post. I'm not sure what else he actually has in store. He told me that he was going to have me on a regimented schedule tonight before our plans got shot to hell. And that I would be sleeping on the floor, cuffed to the bedposts. And that I'd have to earn my sleeping collar. I like my sleeping collar. It's comfortable and cute, and prevents me from snoring all night long like I do when I wear the big monster collar to bed. But it's already on me now; Sir told me to "move my ass" and I took that to mean the collaring position. He didn't; but maybe that's how I earned my sleeping collar? I like the idea of my having to "earn" things - sleeping collar, bed privileges (though I will probably rebel hard about having to sleep on the floor; it's going to be difficult). He mentioned that he was preparing a morning affirmations ritual for me, but that it wasn't done. He jokingly mentioned having me go to the roof of my apartment, but honestly... I like that idea. Finding time to do so might be difficult, as would climbing the 7 flights of stairs, but its really nice up there. And I bet during a sunset or sunrise it'd be very tranquil.

So I can see that Sir is taking my needs seriously, and is working to re-align us. I just wonder what else is in store!

What We Both Need

Writing that post last night was both a blessing and a curse. I knew it was a bit over the top; Sir never gets any sort of vitriol directed at him from me. He has seen me mad and upset at others while he is around, but those feelings were never directed toward him before.

But maybe he needs that. After writing what I did, which was absolutely an accurate representation of my feelings of frustration and anger that I’ve been having for quite a while, I went to bed (on time; at least I could do that). I did not text him goodnight; I just got into bed. He didn’t read my post until after I had fallen asleep and in the morning I had messages that he was disappointed in himself, and that we need to fix this ASAP, and that I was to be ready by 8pm to have a discussion. I could see why he was being so assertive; it was an immediate attempt to address the situation and provide a feeling of being controlled. But after not getting any of that for so long, I had a feeling of: “Oh, so NOW you want to tell me what to do? NOW you’re ready to be the Dom that I need, and that you said you’d be?”

On the other hand, I also had feelings of regret similar to the ones you get when you wake up hungover wishing you hadn’t done what you did, said what you said, called who you called… but you can’t take it back. And at the end of the day, this is a blog about a real D/s relationship. It’s not sunny side up all the time. And there’s no good without the bad.

It’s not one-sided. Sir has issues with me too; mainly being that I am busy ALL THE TIME. And he’s right to a degree. But looking honestly at my schedule, there’s not much I can do about the things I do pencil in there. And I feel as though he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. For the 5 things I agree to, there are another 20 that I have to decline. And some of it is work related events and the like that I really can’t just say no to.

It’s not like I purposely put things in my schedule to avoid seeing him. I also don’t think he understands WHY I’m busy – where do all these events and things to do come from? Without trying to sound like an overly conceited girl that I would hate; I have a lot of friends. Some acquaintances, but moreso a largeish close core of friends, especially from a collegiate fraternity. And I like staying in touch. So when they invite me to things, I WANT to go. It’s hard to keep in touch and keep a friendship alive as an adult, so making it to things is important to me; I feel like I let friend relationships slip through the cracks way too much.

I feel like Sir doesn’t have any “real” friends, besides me. And I feel like an insipid teenager for writing things about “twue friends”. But take his best friend – we’ve been together for a year and a half now, and I’ve never even met the guy. In the time we’ve been together, he’s seen this guy ONCE. He does have some gaming buddies, but I thought they were just people he gamed with; not had meaningful friendships with. He enlightened me a bit on that, but while I do think they’re closer than I thought, I’m still not sure it’s the same; he rarely does things with these fellows besides gaming.

He’s also a bit of a homebody. While trying to plan what we should do in North Carolina, my friend asked me what Sir would like. I had such a short list it was painful. He would like to check out the tabletop gaming scene, and he likes to go to movies. He’ll even go alone if I’m not around. That’s it. That’s all I could tell her that he does on his own. He informed me today that he wants to go to the aquarium. I thought that was purely for my benefit, but I’m pleased to know it’s a genuine interest. That being said, Sir is extremely open minded and will go to and try just about anything. But it seems hard for him to come up with things on his own. He said we have the opposite issues – I am busy all the time, and he as an overabundance of free time that we need to rectify.

We looked at my June schedule. I worked 19 days in a row that month. Besides that, I saw Sir a couple of times on the weekends, and the one weekend I actually had completely off, I took my parents out for birthdays/father’s day, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

July – the first weekend, he had a convention, and I hung out with my roommate for her birthday. The next weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party, and I took that same friend out for her birthday the day before. I could have not taken her out, being that we were going to her party. Though, I have said no to her several times because I never have time. It’s a hard balance. This weekend I have a meeting for a volunteer position I took on (The position itself is mostly online and communication, and there was no one else to fill it. Volunteering is optional, but doing the job is not. Sir and I talked about this before I took the position on; there were other positions that would have required more time commitment that I turned down). The weekend after I’m going on a week long camping trip that has been in the works for over a year now. Sir laughed last year when he saw that in my calendar; now he sees why I plan in advance.

When we return from the trip in August, I turned down a party a friend of mine is throwing, and depending on how late we get back, I’m going right to Sir's and staying over until Sunday. August is actually not that bad for Sir. Next weekend after the trip, Sir and I are going to spend a weekend together in Pennsylvania and I’ll get to meet his best friend for the first time. The weekend after that I have a family reunion in Virginia, and I somehow have to figure out how I can squeeze in the bridal dress shopping of my close friend when I’m her maid of honor. The weekend after that, I put entirely for Sir, and declined another friend’s party. And the final weekend of the summer, I’m also spending with Sir driving down to North Carolina to stay with friends/road trip/check out a potential living destination. All in all, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or bad. We also see each other at least once during the week. Once September comes, I am going to TRY my best to make sure Sir and I get at least two weekends a month to OURSELVES. It’s not enough to see each other, or attend a social function. We need extended alone time, that’s the problem here. We need time to connect, and to be able to fully be ourselves; our dynamic is not for everyone, it might make others uncomfortable, and much of it SHOULD be private, just for our intimacy’s sake. I’m hoping that having more weekend time will help, but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.

We talked about him and consistency. He says he’s going to have to be firmer with me. However, after him not being firm, I’m sure he’s going to have a time of it; I’m positive that my reaction is not going to be to just take it. I’m going to naturally rebel and he is going to have to be prepared to deal with it.

We also talked about him doing more leading. Because we live an hour apart, I’ve expressed interest to him multiple times in setting up things that we can do when we’re not together to keep our relationship going. I’ve been really diplomatic about it. But none of it’s really happened. And D/s has more and more fallen to the wayside. I just feel awful inside. On the one hand, I do think this could help us. On the other hand, he is the Dom and I am the sub and I’m not the one that is supposed to be telling him what to do. I don’t want to top from the bottom. But what we have is not working and SOMETHING needs to be done. And with all his abundant free time it frustrates me to no end that he’s not choosing to take that time to develop this, or do research or… anything. I do think about it and research when I can (which isn’t even as often as I would like). It makes me wonder sometimes if this is really for him. Is this really who he is and what he wants?

Me, I know that I want to be submissive. Sir is my first Dominant ever. And I’m not making any plans for that to be different. But if for whatever reason we were to break up tomorrow, I would NOT seek another vanilla relationship. This is what I want. This is the dynamic that I need to be happy. I try my best to seek it. But even with researching and thinking about things, I don’t feel I can be submissive if there’s nothing to submit TO.

Submission is not a natural thing for me either – In my “real” life, I’m usually very outgoing, assertive, boisterous and the like. But in relationships, being in control doesn’t work for me. I chew my men up and spit them out. I think I just can’t be with someone who can’t keep me in line. I run all over those men, and I lose respect for them ultimately. Its why I need Dominance. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been so happy, fulfilled, and in love in, when we were working at it. I thought I’d never have those intense feelings ever again.

But all this makes me wonder if Sir really is a Dominant. If this is what he needs to be happy. Yes, Sir likes aspects of kink, and I certainly think he needs those to be happy, but the Domination part? I wonder. It’s an awful lot of work, and though he has the time, he’s not putting in the work. Is it not fulfilling for him, or is it laziness? Either way, we’ve got problems. He has a hard time keeping his own life together. How can he control me if he can’t even keep his own shit together? He’s got a chronic history of not finishing things, which does bother me. Will this be one of those things in his life? I can’t let that be, but I don’t know what to do to help.

All this also makes me wonder, what is the submissive responsibility in a situation like this? Obviously it can’t ALL be on the dominant. So what is the sub role here? I can try to be supportive. I can try to offer suggestions. But if you’ve offered suggestions that haven’t been taken, and you try to be supportive of things, then what do you do? Honestly. For us, it’s taken me having a bit of a blow up on the internet of all places to be the impetus behind a much needed conversation, some of which we’ve spoken about before. It’s just hard, because I’ve talked about this before, just not with anger. Sir says that he doesn’t get “subtle”. But I’ve not been subtle, I’ve flat out given suggestions. Should I have to get an airhorn for that to work?

I’m not sure but I’m way past my bedtime (with Sir’s not only permission but demand that I write and not go to sleep until I’m done). Tomorrow we’ll meet up and I’ve been given instructions on appropriate dresses to bring. We’ll see what he comes up with to try and set a spark for re-aligning our relationship. I think my spark was my firebomb of a mouth. And now I’ll close it; it’s been flapping too much this evening.

I've had an extremely trying day at work with snotty complaining kids, multiple injuries and non-stop trips to the bathroom. Its now 9:45, I just got in after being locked out because some genius in my house put an extremely heavy bag on the inside of the doorknob so the key wouldn't turn the lock. So I had to climb into my bedroom window to get in here. I broke my curtain doing it. I was going to drink a glass of wine and relax, but guess what - the wine bottle opener has mysteriously disappeared too.

I'm supposed to write something meaningful here as a punishment for not writing on Sunday, but in the mood I'm in, I really can't be arsed. I don't feel like it, I don't even want to be doing this right now, and I kinda don't give a shit if I get punished. I want to say something snarky like "Well, I'd probably not even be punished anyway since I get away with EVERYTHING," but that would definitely get me punished. And I might get punished for writing that even with the setup, but I honestly don't give a fuck right now.

Not Feeling It

Lately I’ve been lacking in my submissive duties. I just don’t feel very submissive. Sir and I aren’t getting ANY alone time – we’re always with other people or at a social event. I’ve let things slide, and I know my mindset is way off. I’ve been craving a firmer hand.

I need him to keep me in line. I know that I’m not where I should be, but I also have no desire to straighten myself out – making sure I get to bed on time (even if I have a really good reason not to), making sure I update this journal on time, addressing sir properly. Even just the way I interact with him. I’ve been cranky and bossy. I’ve been half-assed in our conversations.

I missed posting last night. We both knew I would. I was at his house too late, and I had to drive home and I wouldn’t have even been home on time for bed, let alone to post. He almost took my excuses and let me get away with it. Almost. But I could have posted earlier in the week. Sir lets me slide way too much. I suppose I should curb my excuse giving, but they’re in my head anyway and he wants to know what I’m thinking. So I am hoping that he’ll develop a stronger will when it comes to me so he can have a firmer hand. He needs to hold me to a higher standard if I am to hold myself to his standards.

Consequently, I am to write a post here this night and for the following three nights. Friday I have to travel to Connecticut for a weekend meeting, so he’s not holding me to that, as that’s out of my control.

I’m hoping that we can keep up or rekindle our D/s side of things, as I am craving it. I was slightly out of line yesterday at a party, and very subtly he put his hand in my hair and tugged. No one knew, no one saw anything, but it thrilled me. It gave me the right headspace, and it was the jolt that I needed to get back on track. I need more of that. Hopefully these assignments will help.

Message Collar

I saw this a while ago and thought it was pretty interesting.

It's an interesting concept. A choker/collar type of item with a geek twist. I bet a creative dom could put an interesting message there!

Too Vanilla

Sir and I haven't seen each other in nearly 3 weeks. I've been backlogged with work (even though I'm only working one job now), and my weekends have been filled. They've been filled with good things, but filled. I've had volunteer meetings, work training, babysat my niece and nephew, took my mom to see Jesus Christ Superstar, and took my dad to the Old Timer's Game. Every night during the week, I've been working on schedules and plans for my job, because we're on a deadline and its not done. We're a small nonprofit so I'm not looking to get paid for the extra hours, I just don't want to get to the deadline and have nothing.

I've been tired and cranky, and probably a bit bratty. I know I've been more demanding, telling Sir things instead of asking. D/s has slipped to the wayside a bit. I believe the dynamic can still be kept up long distance, but I think Sir finds that difficult to achieve. I wish he would take more initiative in that department. I also feel bad, because he feels like he's backseat to everything else going on lately. I've now put him in the calendar for at least once per week, come hell or high-water. The center will have to wait for a few hours if things aren't done - I'm currently the only one taking work home also, so screw it.

I hope we can reconnect and re-establish the order of things soon, I feel them slipping too. I'd also want more time to think more thoroughly and put more effort into a blog, rather than just some updates. Everything is too half-hazard.

Sir Was Right

Boy was he so right...

Sir made me interview and do the demo for that job I didn't want. I thought it was a comedy of errors and a waste of time at first. I was late due to being lost, I accidentally dropped a raw egg on the floor, and I ran out of materials in the middle of the demo... but they loved it and they offered me the job! They even went so far to say that if I didn't accept, they would have to start the process all over, because I'm the only one they want.

I haven't accepted it yet; waiting to hear from one more job before I do (a longer term position).

I guess he had some sort of domly intuition about making me do the right thing for my career.

When the Right Decision Isn't the One You Want

Sometimes it is really hard to have him make the right choices for me. I am job searching again. It feels like I am always going on an interview. I applied for a job that I didn't really want, worried that I would have no income. They called me in, and because I don't actually want this job, I did fabulous on the interview and they called me back for a demo. I really do not want to do this. It's a subject I'm unfamiliar with. It's a three month position. There are no benefits. But... if I end up having NO job, this is certainly better.

I was 99 percent sure that I was going to call them with a tactful lie and get out of this entire situation, but Sir was clear that it is in my best interest to do this. So here I am, as I finish prepping with his permission to be up late. I will rent a car tomorrow morning (mine is in the shop). I will go to work. I will leave work, do this demo, and come back. It will be a pain. I don't want to.

But he is so right, in that it's what I should do. *grumble grumble*

And so I shall.

A Different Kind of Squirting

Several weeks ago we were talking about my dress code. It was decided that I may wear dresses, or skirts. But not skirts with shorts underneath them – skorts.

All or nothing.

At the end of the night, we summarized what we talked about.

He said:

“And remember, all or nothing. Skirts or dresses. No squirts. It’s all or nothing.”

I couldn’t even pretend to keep a straight face.

I love this man, especially when he has these brilliant Y chromosome moments.

Needing Aftercare

I’ve spent a lot of time on the Internet reading various forums and articles about BDSM activities and such. I’ve come across many on Aftercare. Sir is never remiss in providing aftercare and establishing a safe and warm fuzzy connection after we engage in scenes that are emotionally or physically draining.

For the first time however, I felt like I needed it.

This weekend, Sir left our play bag at his house (thinking my roommate would be home). She wasn’t, so he got creative. Finding a leather belt that I never wear, it has now become his favorite whip (it is a VERY skinny belt). I’d never been truly whipped before. I’d been struck with various implements, and with his hand, and with ropes, but not something that stings like this. While I enjoyed it, and we’re learning my ability to take this type of strain, eventually I did feel…pushed. I WANT to be pushed, explore more things, find out more about myself, and be able to serve Sir in more ways, but this time it was almost nearly too much for me. After the whipping, he continued doing other things which I also enjoy but…

I just wanted to cuddle. I felt like it was a NEED. If I didn’t cuddle, I would cry. I would become unstable, and I could feel this need growing in my chest to the point where it was becoming a physical ache. I was getting anxious.

Once he got me into his arms, I just felt… calmer. He stroked my hair and peppered little kisses on my forehead. I hooked myself into him as much as I could. I recall saying in the past that if I could, I would just crawl right into his chest – that’s how close I felt like I needed to be to him.

This whole experience got me thinking about other forms of aftercare. Yes, cuddling and being cute and close like that is probably my preferred method, but there’s got to be loads of other things, right?

So I got to thinking, researching, and recalling our previous experiences.

Sometimes it’s immediate physical concerns – you’re swelling, bruising, etc. You’re dehydrated/hungry – especially for us hypoglycemics and others with blood sugar issues. You’re cold (I’m always cold -cuddle under the blankets!) Replenishing energy and basic first aid type of stuff (which I’m certified in, should inquire as to his formal training, haha). Or checking areas where you were constricted with rope.

Sometimes it’s talking – how did you feel about that experience? We do this often, especially if something doesn’t go according to plan. Sometimes it takes a day or two – you need time to process and think about what happened. Sometimes it’s thanking Sir – I don’t see evidence of him being quite as vulnerable as I’ve found myself to be, but it’s good to let him know that his attentions are appreciated. If something hasn’t gone to plan, especially if I react badly, he gets VERY upset with himself, and he needs just as much reassurance as I do! Sometimes its not even in his control – I remember a time when I was chained naked in the basement and people came home early; I FREAKED out on him!

Sometimes its re-establishing a close emotional connection. Cuddling and spending time together helps. Other things I was thinking of besides just cuddling that could work:

·Showering/bathing together (a favorite of mine; I love washing Sir)
·Massages
·Watching a fun movie together (I can see it getting too intense with a serious film)
·Fixing each other’s hair. It’s a great way to feel cared for, and besides Sir, who doesn’t like getting their hair touched?
·Preparing a meal together
·Emails and or text messages after leaving
·Writing – journaling here definitely helps for me!

What other things can you think of? There has to be more!

Yes, a 50 Shades Post

… but I haven’t read the book. This isn’t going to be about the content of the book, but more about what other people are saying about it.

At my job, some of the ladies there have a little book club. Last month, they read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (they finished it up just as I was hired). This month, it’s 50 Shades of Grey.

Nearly every day in the lunchroom, they’re talking about this book. It’s not so much that they’re discussing it – its more what they’re saying:

“What a psychopath!”
"It's so abnormal!"
“But everything in this book is so weird – you HAVE to be some kinda weirdo to be into this.”
“There’s a reason he’s like this right? We’re gonna find out what made him such a freak?”

And so on, and so on.

It’s really starting to grate on my nerves. I know that it is probably best for me to say nothing, and as such I’ve sat there biting my tongue.

Then they keep asking me to join their book club. When trying to politely refuse, solely because of their reaction to this book, I mentioned something vague about the fact that I’d probably identify more with the book and it’s odd that everyone around is proclaiming it as weird and being judgmental.

A response: “Ugh! But it IS weird!!”

Oh, it’s weird… They must be psychopathic freaks to enjoy this? Well, you can keep judging…

…but you can’t stop reading it either, right? What does that say?

I've thought about taking lunch in my room until they're done with this, but I don't fancy being cooped up in the same space ALL day long; I need a change of scenery now and again. And there is a positive to their talk.

In a way, I should probably thank these ladies. Having them unknowingly tear to pieces activities that are close to my heart and lifestyle has made me rise up to defend it inside. It has made me more accepting of myself and of other people. I have had problems accepting my desires, but having them bash these sorts of activities made me realize how normal they can be, and how good. I'm happier now than in any previous relationship, and I have TTWD to thank. As long as it makes you happy, and is done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, then who should really care?

I’m a step closer to self-acceptance, and in a roundabout way, its due to them! So I’ll thank them, but silently. Open discussion of such things would probably hurt my career and make my worklife difficult.

Rollercoaster BDSM

This weekend had its ups and downs, but overall it was oh so good. I haven’t had much time to spend with Sir as of late; a few hours here, an evening there… but nothing long lasting.

We got that this weekend, and Sir was so very kind to me. I worked 12 hours on Saturday until 9 o' clock, jetted home to eat, take a shower, and pack a few things, and then I made the hour’s drive up to my Dirty Old Man.

Usually when we’ve spent so much time apart, Sir and his not so little sir are anxious to see me and raring to go. I am usually exhausted, like I was on Saturday night. They’re usually ever so persistent and we typically end up reconnecting as soon as humanly possible. Sir wanted to be thoughtful, however, and he let me sleep uninterrupted the whole night, because he said that I needed the sleep more than he needed me at the moment. I am grateful for those restful hours of sleep, and the warm cuddly comfort of his arms that I missed. I just hope that he wasn’t too deprived; I like to meet his needs, and it can be fun when he wakes me up in that special way of his.

In the morning, Sir was quick to make up for lost time. For our anniversary, I gave him some lovely red hemp rope from VenusRopes, and he used it to bind my hair. I always feel so spoiled when he does this, but he assures me he enjoys it just as much as I do. And my hair is growing! I got a 25 foot rope a few months ago, but I probably need to purchase 35 or 40 feet for the length my hair is currently (we’re aiming at the moment to get to at least my hips; right now my hair is just past my nipples).

A picture of my lovely bound hair:

Afterwards, Sir informed me that we would be trying something that we’ve talked about for awhile – gags. We have a problem with gags because I have an abnormally small mouth, and haven’t been able to find a suitable ball gag for me. He used a piece of cut up fabric (a new sock, of all things) and used some athletic tape around my head to secure it. He tried using the athletic tape on its own, but it did not restrict my speech enough. I found this to be extremely uncomfortable, and not in just a strain sort of way. My eyes felt like I had a lot of pressure behind them, my chin was forced down into my neck, my jaw was hurting, and my lips were being forcibly bitten by my teeth. I think most of this was worsened by the fact that my hair was bound; 25 feet of rope is heavy. Sir could see that I was NOT liking this, and after several questions he told me that I could choose to get it removed, but I had to choose right now. On or off.

This made me really upset. I wasn’t in immediate danger. I could breathe. But I did feel uneasy, as though something potentially COULD happen with this strained position. I think now that my response should have been “yellow”, but in the moment I couldn’t think of that. I could only think of the looming choices. Power through this even though I feel uneasy, or make the choice to end it, and thus FAIL at this task.

Failure.

I’ve written about it before, but I have a huge problem with failure. I started to tear up, and eventually my eyes started to leak. I could not bring myself to make the decision to end it, and thus be a failure at this task. Sir misinterpreted my tears (as I could not speak) and thought that we were hitting an unknown limit of mine with the gag. I don’t think this was the case, and I do think we should try again with different circumstances. He decided to cut me free, and I just felt like a wretched pile of human. I just wanted to curl up in a ball of misery in the corner of the bed. Sir did permit me a bit of that; he allowed me to cry it out while he held me and reassured me of everything. Eventually I calmed down.

Then Sir made a really good choice in choosing to continue our session, but choosing a different tack. He chose something else that is new for us; thus giving me an opportunity to succeed at something else. This did take the sting away from my perceived failure (He does not see it as such, and insists that he has much to learn as well).

After a few light warm up swats, he had me lay on my stomach, and he proceeded to spank me. This isn’t something we’ve really done before; it’s pretty new territory for us. I’m VERY new at it, and he has some experience in his previous relationship which was a very long time ago... but for us, I think we’ve tried it once or twice before. I found that I was really enjoying it. The feel of his hand; the sting, him soothing the burn after while stroking my bottom. Then he brought out something I forgot he purchased. I could hear him fumbling around in our play bag, but wasn’t sure for what. And then –

WHAM!

It wasn’t actually THAT hard, but it was much harder than his hand. He had purchased this ENORMOUS paddle while we were together ages ago, and I forgot all about it. I think its original intent was for paddleball or ping pong, but this thing is BIG. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and he said he loved the pretty red color on my ass. He even took a picture, a rarity for him (which I can’t show; he has a rule for me about public nude photos).

When he was done with my backside, he flipped me over and started on my front, lightly swatting my breasts. He enjoys the way it makes me squirm, and the response my nipples have to it; it DOES make them quite sensitive and brings them to attention.

Eventually we reconnected as we’ve been so missing, and it was completely delicious. I missed him, and I needed him; it had been too long. What a crazy good weekend. BDSM does bring out a rollercoaster of emotions.

Oh, before I forget – a picture of this huge paddle:

I think even though it seems large and imposing, all of it doesn't connect upon striking... and that's a lot of air resistance as well!

Also, a picture of it in front of Sir’s head (and he does have quite a sizeable cranium!):

Have a great week!