50 Shades of Grey: A Personal Review

So, I broke down on my camping trip and read the first installment of Fifty Shades of Grey. The following is from an actual email I sent to a friend in response:


Okay, I finished the first book when I was camping. I started the second because of spite, and hope that it gets better.

I hope Anastasia Steele dies in a fire. If she says "oh my" one more time, I'm gonna want to take a pen to my temple. On the other hand, every time I see it, I hear her say it in the voice of George Takei. <3


Also, her fucking INNER GODDESS? How many times does that need to be referenced? Between that and her subconscious (which I don't want to even touch; if its your subconscious, you shouldn't be so aware of it, bitch), I think this chick may have a legit multiple personality disorder. I'm sorry, do all of us have an Inner Goddess? If so, I honestly hope that mine has something better to do than bat sultry eyelashes around, pout, or wear a cheerleader outfit until something sexy happens. Isn't your Inner Goddess supposed to be about being a strong confident woman? The only time that seems to happen is when she "one-ups" Grey with her "smart mouth".

And how damnably hot can that mouth be anyway? ANYTIME she bites that lip, this dude springs a boner and can't control himself. What are you, a 15 year old boy? And, every single time? Get some control. I bet that lips gonna be real hot when she's got the flu; biting her chapped skin with a runny nose. Still find that hot? Hope you like kissing her while mucus coats your face.

I'm also sick of hearing about how Christian Grey's sexy beauty is the model of perfection; the creator of rainbows, unicorns, bacon and all things wonderful. Fuck. That. Doesn't this man have any other pleasing qualities? Also - self esteem. Get some. We all have our days, but goddamn.

And being a virgin? I mean, don't get me wrong. Cute virgin gets corrupted by hot Dom is totally my thing, but can it at least be believable? You have no experience but can now have 20 orgasms a day and you're just a little sore? FUCK THAT SHIT. Can we trade vaginas? I don't see [Sir] for just one week and I'm feeling it.

Christian Grey is like Edward Cullen for bored housewives that actually want to read about sex. And the BDSM stuff.... the sex scenes were okay. Some were like, KINDA hot, but overall meh. And the tampon pulling out thing? Uh, gross. Also, learn science. Pregnancy can happen when your gal is bleeding too. I heard she has a baby in the later books. Big surprise there if that's true.

He's a shitty Dom, and a control freak. I like being controlled, but if you're gonna have a contract, fucking stick to it. You can't have a D/s relationship without guidelines. You wont talk, she wont talk, the entire first book has no real talking about what’s going on in the "Red Room of Pain" *Ugh*, and you're supposed to have a relationship? You stalk her like you're a PI and its supposed to be romantic. Edward Cullen creeps up into Bella's room to watch her sleep. He buys her extravagant gifts to protect her, and shows up randomly to save her out of nowhere. Hey, 50 shades - Twilight called and they want their "plot" back.

He likes control but he can't control himself around her. I know it's supposed to be hot, because women like the idea of a man who finds them so irresistible that they can't help themselves, but in a D/s relationship, a man needs to be strong. He needs to follow through. He can't purposely mindfuck/actually fuck people into what he wants - that's abuse. And even WITH the sex, it IS abuse.

And what gets me most of all is the idea that someone has to be 'fucked up' to be into this kinda thing. Something has to have happened; something needs to be wrong with them. Even the author says so, and she says she hadn't really researched BDSM stuff. I know she had to research SOMETHING because the contract actually looks pretty legit to things I've seen. But everything else, ah shit dude. I don't even know what to do.

The last thing I'm gonna rage about here is what made Ana run. She asked to be punished, and she got it. What I was reading, well honestly, it didn't even sound that bad. She made it sound like beat the shit out of her. Like he cracked a whip in her face and she had lacerations, like he cut her, like he burned her. There's way more fucked up shit that could have gone on there. She gets some swats, and runs like a little bitch.

The only thing I liked about that whole scene is that it made me think even more about how vanilla people view us. People need to get over themselves. On the other hand, every vanilla person that I've heard bashing the series or putting it down, CANNOT STOP READING it. These ladies at the school I was working in drove me fucking insane with the shit they would say every day at lunch for their book club, but they couldn't put it down, could they?

I'm continuing reading, mostly for the hope of sexy fantasy fodder. With the right scenario and trust, some of that could be hot.

/rant

-Lea