Sunday, September 09, 2012

Exhibitionism in Blogging and Real Life

a : a perversion marked by a tendency to indecent exposure b : an act of such exposure
: the act or practice of behaving so as to attract attention to oneself

Thanks, Webster's.

Part of blogging tends to include revealing a bit about yourself and your life. Even if you try to keep yourself as anonymous as possible, there are details and stories. If you're not explicitly blogging about yourself, you're making a commentary on something you find interesting. You're exposing yourself and your thoughts to the world.

I have to wonder if there is a bit of an exhibitionist in me. I don't mean in the sexual sense - I don't have a desire to show my naughty bits to strangers in public. But I do want to share this part of me with the world, essentially. I'm not sure if its a desire for blanket acceptance of this lifestyle - of me; of a disdain for constantly having to hide who we are.I can't even fully be myself around my best friend and roommate; her judgement and disapproval is clear and hurtful.

The other day she was in my bed (it's hot and she doesn't have air). Sir asked me to send him a photo of my bed every night (I mentioned him being more strict on a rule he should enforce). So I took the photo. She asks, and upon my telling her, she gets odd and inquisitive, and a bit standoffish and I end up feeling weird. It's one thing to go around and shove our relationship in other's face. Its another for you to be around when certain things happen. And honestly, it's a mundane photo. I'm not marching around in my collar in the apartment, or anything of the sort. So while I don't want to put things in her face, I guess there is a bit of forced exhibitionism there, and it makes her uncomfortable. It's difficult to not make her uncomfortable though, when she's in MY bed.

On the other hand, I also wish I had more of a tight rein on myself and what I reveal; maybe sometimes I'm too much of an exhibitionist. A close friend of mine is aware of my true relationship with Sir. We went down for a visit, and while it was extremely nice not having to hide every little nuance of ourselves, I think Sir and I both need a better filter when it comes to what to reveal. Part of it for me was excitement for FINALLY being able to be who I am and not have to worry about judgement, or hiding things. So every once in a while I'd say a bit too much. For Sir... I think he just doesn't care as much about this sort of thing and just speaks his mind. They're not his friends, so he doesn't worry so much about what they're going to think. He does realize, however that *I* care and we're both going to be better about that in the future.

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