Soup Tray Service

We're back! Finally, after the long holiday weekend.

It was a good holiday, but it was much time away from home with a lot of running around.

Somehow, upon returning here I just feel ... better.

I feel more ready for things to come. I feel I'm more in the right headspace. Maybe something about being away from all of this for a bit.

Upon checking on our poor little kitty who spent 4 days alone (though well-provisioned), I put my chain on, without having to be told.

Sir caught a cold from his sister and wanted soup. I gathered up all our soup selections and put them on a tray (or a cookie sheet since we don't have a proper serving tray) and let him choose from the 6  or 7 soups we had while he worked on the computer in the office. He made his selection, and I returned to the kitchen to prepare it for him.

I put his soup, napkin, spoon, beverage, and a shot of cold medicine on the cookie sheet and served him in the office. The act seemed calming and peaceful to me. It made me happy to serve him this way. I'm hoping this feeling will continue.

It's good to be home!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to any and all who celebrate! Though it's been a really difficult year, Sir and I have been blessed in so many ways.

I had my tooth extracted a few days ago. Though that is never a fun thing; the process was quick. It wasn't quite painless, but my fabulous dentist had that sucker out before Sir could even settle in for what he and I thought was going to be a long wait. The kicker for me is that they didn't prescribe me any pain medicine. They told me just to take "whatever over the counter stuff you usually take".

I've never had an extraction where my dentist didn't try to ease that pain a little, so it was a bit of a shocker for me. I've been taking ibuprofen, and the PM version when applicable and I've been doing okay. A few times the pain has been a bit much for me though. I'm definitely not a pain wimp (or a pain slut for that matter), but extreme mouth pain is not something I handle well.

Sir has been absolutely amazing. He has been taking great care of me. Because of my big dental anxiety I was prescribed Valium before the procedure, so he got me up, ready, drove me over there, and waited like a champ while I had this thing pulled. Afterwards he brought my loopy self to get medicine, went to the market to get all soft foods, and then put me to bed when we got home and put everything away. My appointment was around 10 o clock, by 11:30 we were home, and I slept until after 8 pm. When I got up he made me some soup and just kept me company for a few hours until I went back to sleep.

He has had a break from his school program so we've spent the whole week together. Finishing up holiday shopping, cleaning, and actually being around each other for more than a few hours per day. It's been a good thing.

Last night he decided we should see Star Wars again. He made an "executive decision" while I was in the shower and bought tickets online. I went with it, even though I had apprehensions since it was Christmas Eve and we had much to do, and we don't exactly have a lot of disposable income right now (plus the tickets were bought, and well, he said so, so what else could I do?). We had a good time. He brought a spoon and got me an Icee so I could have a movie snack. After the movie we went to pick up some cat essentials since our kitty is going to be alone for a couple of days... but we live in Central PA and it was Christmas Eve. We had to go to 3 stores all at the opposite corners of town to find a place that was open. I was initially really pissed off, thinking... what should you do when your Dom clearly makes the wrong decision?

Well, you should get over yourself and go with it. Because it all worked out in the end, and second guessing and throwing anger around solved nothing. We found everything we needed. We still had time to come home and have a nice dinner together. And me sulking and lashing out helped not one bit. What I should have done was what I initially did. Voice my opinion in a calm manner, let him make his choice, and then just go with it. I did the first part, it's the second part I should have scrapped (the anger and seething when we were having a hard time). Hopefully I will learn for next time.

We had our first Christmas together; just me and him. Lovely candlelit dinner with the Yule Log on. We sat after dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. Talked about the past year. Got up for Christmas morning, had breakfast, did gifts, sat and enjoyed more Yule Log. Sir was extremely thoughtful in his gift-giving. We each came up with a budget for each other. We each went over by a little bit.

Sir and I got a lot of thoughtful things for each other, but my clear favorite from him is this Minecraft baby sheep plush, now oh so cleverly named Sheepie. I asked Sir if we could bring him with us on our road trip (he said yes).

We've since made our way to New Jersey to visit with his family and it's been lovely. His mom spoiled us; truly. And just seeing her is a great thing. I know Sir misses his mother more than he probably lets on, and she definitely misses him with us being so far. A friend of her's actually put us up in a hotel for a couple of nights so we could visit together without being a burden on her already over-encumbered house. Another great blessing.

Before I try to get to sleep (I think this Advil PM is finally doing its job), I wanted to share my new hair, because I love it, I'm really excited, I just realized that pic with Sheepie is the first I'd posted of it (and it's just the top of my head), and Sir told me that I'm allowed to be pleased by my own appearance; I can be proud of my hair!

Now that I'm on winter hiatus from work, I don't have to conform to normal hair color for the next couple of months. Having brightly colored hair is a joy of mine, one I haven't had in at least 7 years.

I started with something simple, just a little taste:

Just a little stripe of purple in the front of my head. Once I had that taste though, I really wanted more. So, as of last week my head is now red on top (fading to pink) and purple at the tips. I am totally in love with it. I hadn't dyed my hair in years! And for my first time attempting something like this, I'm pleased and proud.

Sir likes it too, and has indicated that he'd really love more purple. He's usually pretty indifferent when it comes to my hair (other than brush it and don't cut it), so I'm even more excited!

Merry Christmas! I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday!

A Good Weekend

Sir and I had a good weekend. Busy, but good.

Friday night we went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Sir is a HUGE fan. I got him tickets months ago and gave them to him as a present for his birthday. I reserved seats in the fancy theatre with reclining seats. It was nice to not have to wait on line for hours, though there is something to be said for that experience, too.

Without giving away any spoilers, Sir and I both really loved it. While I do feel a pang of sadness that the expanded universe is basically thrown out, perhaps they can be enjoyed as more of an alternate timeline, alternate universe type of deal.

It was laugh-out-loud funny. It did a good job of providing just enough fan service and nostalgia without being ridiculous. I enjoyed the two new main characters. And I'm excited for how they're clearly setting things up to come, story wise. A lot of unanswered questions at the end. 2017 will be exciting.

2016 is going to be all about Harry Potter, but we can focus on Star Wars now.

Saturday we drove out to my mom's. She decided to have her family Christmas party a week early so we're not all trying to figure out how to fit things in. It was a good time. We had dinner and spoiled my niece and nephew who stole the day with just being adorable. It's always a great thing to watch kids you love enjoy Christmas.

Sir attempted to fix her computer, but it would require a soldering iron and more skill than he believes he has. We're not even sure how she accomplished such damage, or that fixing it would be possible with a better professional or worth it. We're thinking that computers might just be beyond her abilities. I love her, but the woman is a nightmare with electronics. She does have a wireless router, so we're thinking of getting her a tablet so she can go on "The Facebook". That's really all she does with her computer anyway.

Sunday we took my brother Christmas shopping so he could pick things up for his wife and kiddos without their knowledge. Since he lives in the Bronx, he doesn't have a car, so us being there was convenient and lucky for him.

When we finally got back home, Sir comes out of the bathroom with this apparatus dangling from his fingers:

"Bitch... explain."

"...What?"

"Bitch, explain what this is for and why you have it."

"Um... it's the cover for my curling iron?"

"...oh."

Sir thought it was some type of penis bondage device that I planned on surprise-using on him. Um, no, but I guess I can see where he's coming from. I didn't think about it before but it does have that type of appearance. But I would never just spring something like that on him; even with our (my) struggles lately, I wouldn't overstep my role like that. And if I were going to do that, I don't think I'd leave it casually laying around in the bathroom.

But it was pretty funny.

Tomorrow Sir is taking me for oral surgery. I'm having a tooth extracted and will be extremely loopy. I'm just sitting here waiting for the Valium to kick in so I am calm enough to sleep. Dental things are one of my big fears.

An Epiphany

Unplanned struggling again last night. He bound my arms and attached them to my chain.

Then he goes to put his fingers on/in me.

I hate that. I have a really hard time with receiving fingering/oral. Some kind of embarrassment about my vagina I guess. So I struggled. Not well with my hands kept around my neck.

He won, of course. But before he did he was a bit exasperated.

Him: "What am I going to do with you? I just don't know what to do with you."

Me: "... I think that's the problem."

I shouldn't fight so much. I know this. I don't plan on it. I don't sit there and say to myself, at 11:47 pm I am going to make his life difficult. It's just been hard for me to accept and let go. How can I sit here and say I want more, but then resist? I don't even understand myself I guess. But I suppose I need him to put me in my place. Fight for what he wants. Show me he means business, I guess?

I do serve him in other ways, and I suppose I need to remind myself that it's not all failures. Even though I feel grey in a colorful world, we're doing okay. I've been home since my job is on winter hiatus. I've been slowly cleaning the house and getting it back in order for us since I'd done nothing in the 4 months since my dad passed. I decorated for the holidays. I finished organizing the office and my little nook. I've helped him study for his exams, drilling him with flashcards. Brought him tea and baked him cookies when he's studying. Got up in the dark with him every morning to make him breakfast and prepare his lunch for the day (and then go back to sleep). Picked out and purchased Christmas gifts for his family. Sent Christmas cards to his extended family from him.

Maybe the issue isn't what we are or aren't doing, but more how I feel. Or don't feel. I know the healing process takes time, but it's hard when you're so entrenched in it to be able to see the other side.

Punishment and Being Vanilla

Twice this week I've been punished for not remembering to put my chain back on when re-entering our home. I've had cornertime as a punishment. I'm trying to work on feeling contrite and wanting to do better. It's a struggle, honestly. I feel more annoyed that I'm being punished than anything. Though, as long as it modifies my behavior, I guess the punishment is doing its job.

When I was punished, Sir handcuffed me to my collar chain and had me stand in the corner. After several minutes of this I just up and decided to sit and then lay on the floor. He didn't say that I could or couldn't. He could see me. He didn't stop me. My back and feet hurt from the massive amount of walking we had done earlier (we went to a holiday program for the public at my job and then Christmas Shopping).

He let me lay there like the pathetic puddle that I was and then had me get up. He said he just didn't want to fight me on every little thing. I guess because I was still essentially where he put me, and I couldn't get the cuffs off, his point was made.

He said he wasn't going to ask me if I was going to forget again, since we both know the answer. I do feel like I need to remember. I think part of it is 4 months of vanilla. I'm literally having to re-learn everything. Another thing is that I'm off. I'm home and I'm not usually going anywhere so I'm not getting "practice" putting it back on when entering the house. Maybe I need to make sure I leave the house everyday, even for just a little bit. It's still nice weather despite being mid-December in central Pennsylvania, so I'd have to take my chain off; can't really hide it under a winter coat. This week it was 70 degrees!

A lot of this sounds even to my own ears like excuses, and perhaps they are. Maybe I just need to get over myself. Get over feeling sorry for myself. Get over this slump of depression (though that's easier said than done). Sir and I spoke and we thought about when I first started wearing the collar in the house all the time last year. I forgot a lot back then. But over time that shifted to remembering nearly all the time. Hopefully this experience will also go this way.

Earlier this week, Sir tried to initiate sex, and I fought him. Not hard, just physical resisting. He asked me if he should stop trying, and I thought about it and finally said, "No. I think I just wanted to feel the struggle." I wanted to feel him overpower me.

We talked about it and I think its just that we've been having an awful lot of vanilla sex lately. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I want... more. I think I am ready for more. Right before he started in on me, I had asked him where our toybag was. I feel like I've been "hinting" about it. Not quite hinting, because I know that many men do not get subtlety. But making statements like that I feel like are obvious. I don't want to just come out there and tell him specifically what to use.

Some people have said that he is probably waiting to see if I'm ready for more, and that I need to show him that I am. When we talked, that's not really the thing. He just really hasn't been thinking about it lately. I guess being vanilla for months has an effect on him too.

I guess I need to work on not being punished, and following the rules, while encouraging us to get our kinky sex life back on. And he has to work on being more present, mentally. He's been having a very stressful time in his program lately, and I get that. I guess I don't want to add to his stress by being needy or pushy. I'm trying not to be as high-maintenance (attention-wise) as I usually am.

As a small victory, last night we came in from a Holiday Party for my work and and I DID remember to put my chain back on without his prompting or being punished. So, perhaps there is a light here; I can do this, it will just take time.

Titles and Honorifics

Sir and I were having a discussion about the future and the possibility of a Master/slave dynamic (wayyy in the future). While whatever will or won't happen there is still on the table, it brought us back to an interesting conversation.

Titles.

Early on, it was decided that I would call Sir, Sir. I'd been just using his first name for months, like any other couple. Then I started calling him "The Dirty Old Man" (which is what I mean when I write The Dom, on here; it's not quite "the dominant"). Transitioning to Sir was not easy for me. While I didn't disagree with the term, getting used to using it and remembering to use it was difficult. Even today, the day I am writing this post over 4 years later, Sir had to prompt me to add "Sir" at the end of a sentence I spoke responding to a question he asked (though I am MUCH better now and I think Sir would agree).

When it comes purely to use of terms in M/s - I've always had problems with both the use of Master and the use of slave/being owned (for me, personally - I find no such issues with others who use the terms for their dynamic). Having the word slave used to describe me always used to evoke a knee-jerk gut reaction of "NO" and "WRONG". Now though... not so much. While I really don't think it accurately describes me and my level of service and I would not be comfortable being referred to as such, my aversion to it is definitely much less.

When it comes to using the word Master, I don't think it is something I would want to use to describe Sir. Even if our dynamic shifted, and we went to a full-on TPE dynamic, I would probably want to use the word Sir. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that, besides the fact that what I call him, is really up to him.

It turns out, he agrees. He prefers to be called Sir. I mean, I knew that of course, as it is what he decided I should call him. Though that came about more by a "Yes, what?" prompting over months while having my hair pulled and being punished rather than a strict "You will call me Sir from now on" conversation (though we did have that conversation, too).

Sir has had one other kink relationship other than me, years ago. I was just about to ask him, "Well, what did J call you?" when he volunteered the information. It's strange that in nearly 4 years this bit has actually never come up before.

But during the course of their relationship, she called him Master.

For some reason I was a bit floored by this. I just didn't expect it some how. Because Sir is... Sir. He did chalk some of that up to them being newbs back in the day and her calling him that in a misguided "this is what you're supposed to do" framework (Twue BDSM and all that, I suppose). He did say that overall, he didn't like it. It didn't feel right to him. Not sure why. Maybe because he hadn't earned it? Maybe because of lack of experience? Maybe because Master for some people (like me) evokes silly association of Dr. Frankenstein's servant. When I say it, this is what I seem to hear in my head: Yes, Master.

I think that his decision to have me call him Sir with our relationship shows his growth and intelligence as a person. He chose what is right for him, and didn't bow to what he thought were the normal conventions.

I do think that this is the right decision. The use of a title or honorific does add to our lives. It puts reverence in addressing him, and adds to the power exchange. It wouldn't be the same if I only referred to him by his given name. Though even if I disagreed, I guess I would have to go with it. He could decide tomorrow that he would prefer to be called Master. Or My Lord. Or Grand General Dragonsfist. Whatever. And I would have to get over myself and do it.

He has an honorific for me, too. Of course he uses my given name. But his general title for me is "Bitch".

"Bitch, come here."

"Bitch, get me a drink."

"I'm proud of you, bitch."

I think in another context it would be seen differently - how could "bitch" be seen as an honorific? But when I hear "bitch", it makes me feel all sorts of wonderful inside. And it reinforces my submissive role. Sir is never cruel with it. Never, "You're a fucking bitch." He never uses it to put me down in an abusive way. It's a title, not an adjective (Though I do understand that its effectiveness in making me feel submissive comes from its use as an adjective).

He could decide to change that, too. Call me something else.  But I suppose it would be okay. I would learn. Because above all, I am his.

Some Struggles and Fears

I've been having trouble with schedule and sleeping.

Sir and I are both the type of people that naturally revert to being night-owls if we don't have day-jobs.

On the plus side, I finally received unemployment! I can actually take this break during the winter lay-off from my job without worrying about finances or looking for other work. We can work on getting us back to us. Work on healing my broken heart. Work on my headspace.

A couple of days ago, Sir and I came back in the house from picking up our Christmas cards. I started cooking and forgot to put my chain back on.

He caught me, and put it back around my neck, close to my throat.

We had dinner, watched some Doctor Who.

After, he made sure to let me know that he didn't forget.

Stripping me bare, he had me stand and get reacquainted with the corner, straddling a small waste-bin we have in the bedroom.

I tried to fight him at first. I'm not sure where the impulse came from.  I fought him from removing my clothes. He "gave up" - but not really. It was more humiliating to stand there, nude except for my socks and my tights around my ankles.

I should feel contrite. He had me stand there for... I'm not sure how long. At least a half hour, maybe 45 minutes. But I didn't feel contrite. At all. I definitely felt like I don't want to forget again, because I don't want to stand there wasting time, but I wasn't feeling bad for not remembering.

My head is not in the right place. I should feel disappointed in myself, and have an urge for doing better. I do have a small urge, but I think it's coming from the wrong place, from not wanting to be punished.. I suppose it will take time for me to get my own head back. I have different thought patterns and new fears.

Last night while I lay awake in bed I blurted out to Sir a fear that I've just been keeping in my head.

I'm afraid of him dying.

I never used to be, not really. I'd worry if I didn't hear from him or if he was out late, but it wasn't a real tangible fear.

Unlike fearing for Sir, I never really worried about my dad dying. I suppose I'm worrying about Sir because of my dad dying though. My dad seemed young; these things happen to other people. I've had deaths in my life but not like this. My uncle died when I was 11; he was about my age when he passed. But I was too young to fully process it I think. After that, I had other relatives pass; all were older though.

The first person to pass away that had a real, lasting grieving effect on me was my Nana, my dad's mother. But she was older, and was terminally ill. It wasn't a surprise or shock. And though I miss her, the pain was less. I could think about her not suffering anymore; at peace. I could think of her long life.

But this pain with my dad is different. I think about how young he was and how him and us were robbed of his future. All the things we'll miss out on. And I guess that's making me worry about losing a future with Sir.

Last night he went to a local game store to play. He gave me a call in the afternoon and said he wouldn't be home until later. This is not an uncommon occurrence. As the time got later however, I kept wondering "what if". What if he didn't come home? What if something happens?

Luckily my fears were not realized, and Sir came home to cuddle, but that didn't stop me from leaking all over his back as we spooned (I was the "big" little spoon).

I guess with time it will all get better. My headspace will improve and hopefully those fears will dissipate.

Don't Trim Your Tree, Trim Your Submissive

I think I'm finally up to decorating our place for the holidays. It's been difficult before; Christmas music and the thought of the holiday makes me melancholy.

Sir helped me take out our decorations and tree and we got to decorating.

But not the tree - yet.

Hope you're all starting to have a good holiday season, no matter what you celebrate!

This was inspired by the 

Sinful Sunday Prompt: 

Festive.

Renewal

Sir finally decided to make the renewal of our relationship "official" - at least for us.

This is what I am currently wearing around my neck as a symbol of my service to him:

New collar. As an aside, I'm totally loving my purple hair.

I have worn a chain around my neck before, as a punishment in a way. Because I needed an attitude adjustment. I thought about it much and did my best to accomplish it in the spirit that Sir had intended. I hope that I can accomplish this again.

I was taking a bath the other night when Sir came into the bathroom.

"When you are finished with your bath, I want you to come find me."

Gulp.

I was immediately nervous. When I was done with my bath I came to him before anything else - no dressing or drying off.

When I came into the office, I saw that on his computer screen was my previous post about who should re-initiate a D/s relationship.

My anxiety magnified tenfold.

He asked me, "Are you nervous?"

"Yes, of course I am!"

"Why?"

"...Because you're going to do ... something!"

"What am I going to do?"

"I... I don't know!"

I think that is the biggest part of anxiety - the not knowing.

"You have my post up there like it's on purpose for me to see; of course I'm nervous!"

"It is on purpose."

Part of me overthinks and over-analyzes and wonders if all this was prompted soley because of my post. Sir likes getting into my head, but I don't want to try and manipulate situations through him reading my blog. I should just get over myself though. If he didn't want to take action; he wouldn't. The blog is just another tool for him to take a peek  in my brain.

At this point he grabbed my wrists and pulled me over his lap, proceeding to spank my ass. I started counting in my head while I was wiggling around and he made it to over 130 before he stopped and had me stand before him.

He took out the chain and secured it around my neck, pressing a kiss there once he was finished.

Then he yanked me over his lap and beat my ass some more.

When he was done, he told me to get a paper and a pen. To start some dictation.

The seven year old in me wanted to giggle. But I got the paper and pen.

He had me write the following per his instructions, and read it back to him a few times:


1. I will sleep naked unless on my period or given permission to do otherwise.

2. I will wear the collar that has been provided to me by my Sir.

3. I will maintain the house to the best of my ability. Specific circumstances and events which may interfere with that task will be approved by Sir.

4. I will greet my Sir when he comes home in a submissive and respectful manner.

For number three, I helped him rework it a few times so it made grammatical sense. I asked him too many questions about how each of the rules would play out, so he added this:

5. I will obey the rules that are given to me in the spirit in which they are given and I will not nitpick about technicalities.


It's been a few days. Sleeping naked is an adjustment, but it's not as hard as I thought. I think it will be more difficult when it gets colder. Yesterday it was in the 50's, which is unseasonably warm for December in Pennsylvania. I keep a set of pajamas by the bed so I don't freeze when I wake up. I ask Sir for permission to put them on while in the house.

I need to work on greeting Sir when he comes home. That was a rule introduced.... before. I think this is the one that will take most of my attention.

Having the chain is a joy for me. It helps me get in the right mindset. It's different than before. I do feel like I have the chain because I'm not ready for a proper collar yet, like before. But I feel less punitive about it this time. Things went awry, and we have to build ourselves back up. We can pick up and move on, but I don't think we can just pick up right were we left off before - too much has happened, too much has fallen. Though I am in control of my actions, I think given the circumstances of why things went south, I don't feel like I am being punished. It's not so much that I lost my submissive nature; it's just that everything else was sucked out of me, submission included. I've been running at bare subsistence level and it's time to build that up. The chain as a collar is a first step in that direction; that's what it means to me. It's more controlled by the environment; temperature and the like. It's got holes. But over time perhaps I will fill those holes in my heart and my submission and work my way back.

Sir said if I do well, perhaps a new collar is in order. I hope I can become worthy of that.

Who Should Re-initiate a D/s lifestyle?

It's been two weeks now that I've been home.

Perhaps that should really be one. Last week I spent nearly the entire time traveling- 8 days from Saturday to the next Sunday. I was home during this time twice, with my mother but that barely counts.

Still, with all this time spent and not much progress I wonder if we are going to get our groove back.

It's been two weeks, and not much has changed around here. There has been talk and innuendo, but overall, everything is the same in regards to D/s: none.

Some of it may be because we were really busy last week. Maybe it's because I'm needing an "adjusting to the new schedule" time period.

Or maybe it's because neither of us is making a move.

Which makes me wonder: whose responsibility is it to take the reigns so to speak and make a move to get our D/s back on track?

With language like that, it seems like it should be the Dominant who pushes the agenda. Sir's been giving me small tasks each day. Do the dishes. Clean this table. Fold all the blankets. Mostly cleaning related. And he did have me write my thoughts about the future of our relationship. These things are not really big though. I suppose I don't really feel submissive doing them. I think that's the biggest roadblock: my own mind and headspace.

Yet, Sir isn't the only one in this relationship. If I am thinking that I am ready for more dominance, and to submit more, should I not prove it? They say that the first step in being happy is to put a smile on your face. Practice it.

So if I want to be more submissive, shouldn't I try to behave more submissively? Show him that I am thinking about it; practice it.

My brain has moved a little bit in these two weeks. Just a bit. I've made sure I'm showered and dressed every day before he gets home, purely because I know he would appreciate that (Normally I hang around in my PJ's if staying home). If he sets me a task, I do get a small tingle that I had better complete it, to make him proud.

It will take both of us to nurture those feelings, but I suppose I can't expect him to wake up tomorrow and be so heavy handed with me after all these months. He's tried that; and I resisted hard. Maybe he's trying to ease me back into it.

I can't control Sir or what he does. I only have control over myself, at least until he takes that back. So, maybe I have to do what I can on this side of the equation.

Maybe this is all some sort of weird psychology - I resist, he pulls back, and now I want what I don't have anymore, making me want it again. Making me ready.

Between him and me, we've got to turn this around though. It would be too easy to let my misery swallow me up being home each day with limited distractions and be even worse than before.

I want our spark back. I want us back.

I guess I have to show him.

Maybe this time, I'll be ready.

[Now I have Cabaret in my head].