Still Submissive, Even in This Shitshow

 It's been a shitshow around here lately.

We'd been planning our wedding celebration. Fully vaxxed with every safety measure we could put in place (other than just not doing it). My family has been awful - only one aunt and her kids, and my one uncle were going to attend. I have a large family (and most of the folks not attending were not because of the pandemic; I totally get that!)

Three days before the new year, I fell down the stairs at work and injured myself badly. I've been on crutches since, and probably have another few weeks to go. Was going to be on crutches for our celebration.

Jump through hurdle after hurdle to get this celebration going, make peace with being on crutches for our big day and get to the day before our wedding celebration.

And Sir gets Covid. Symptoms overnight, and tests positive that afternoon. We had to cancel everything, and because it was so close to the date, we end up having to pay for the entire thing, too. I get symptoms a few days later and also test positive. It's just so frustrating because we'd been so careful about everything. I'd been self quarantining from everyone while at work (eating alone in my office, etc).

So we're in full quarantine for another week, but finally starting to turn the corner, symptoms-wise. It's just not been a good scene around here. 

I finally hit my breaking point. The point where I could no longer cope with life and everything it seems to throw at us, repeatedly over and over. You try to be positive, and practice gratitude (because sometimes there ARE good things, or you do realize that things could be so much worse!) but the negative has been drowning that out for me.

I had a bit of a breakdown. After increased therapy appointments, I have a shiny new mental health prescription and hopefully I will see a difference in a month.

Our pipes also froze this morning. Just.... come on, man.  We're working on that today, and we're okay. It all just seems like I've pissed off the universe, somehow.

-----

One good moment though, that I want to remember.

Last night, Sir told me he had one task for me today - to empty the dishrack of the dishes he washed. (I got a special hands-free crutch, so I am a little more functional now than when I was on the traditional style crutches).

So, today I go to do it, and I cannot get the tupperware put away (they go in a high cabinet that I need a stepstool to access. I can't use the stepstool with the crutch, though). He told me nevermind, I'll take care of it.

I was determined to do as he asked though. He hasn't given me a task in ages. He's been actually waiting on me hand and foot while I'm healing from my injury. 

For the first time in a while, I felt that need to serve. Sir set me a task, and dangit, I was going to do it. So he agreed to have me just put the tupperwares aside and just get everything else that I could reach. So I did. And I felt fulfilled for the moment.

I was happy because I guess with everything, I feared that part of me, the submissive part, was gone too. 

But she's still in there, somewhere.

How to Make Your Little Happy #572

Sir and I have been trying to take a walk together after work each night. Get into a routine.

During our most recent walk, the local candy store was open! They've been closed for a while due to the pandemic.

This store is great. They always have amazing window displays, too. It was exciting to be able to walk in there and pick things out.

Sir let me have some candy too. 

The lime green ones are my favorite!

I was so happy to enjoy the candy on our walk. I felt little, and carefree. Skipping along in my mind.

Thank you, Sir!

Not that kind of Switch, Mom!

 For my birthday, Sir gifted me a Switch. And of course, my favorite video game to go with it. We're finally getting to a place where discretionary income is a thing again!

I was floored and so very excited! I'm a huge Zelda fan. I've been playing nearly my entire life with my dad. This will actually be the first major console Zelda release I'll play entirely without him. 

My mom called to wish me a Happy Birthday and asked if I had gotten a present from Sir. So I told her excitedly that he got me a Switch.

She was silent for a long time.

Then she said quietly, "... like, to beat you with?"

Oh. My. God.

I just started laughing. I couldn't even breathe. 

In between gasps of air, I replied:

"Yeah, and he made me pick it out and cut it off the tree, too."

 I eventually explained to her that no, of course it's not that kind of switch; that it's a Nintendo (she remembers me and my dad playing the old ones).

I'm just thinking of the other use of the word. Her brain would probably implode.

This exchange did make me wonder. Is this just a fluke? Her old-school sense of that word and the only thing she could think of?

Or does she somehow, know?

I suppose it could be both.

Hopefully not, though!

Birthday Spankings

My birthday was last week. Our original plans with friends got cancelled.

But being home and alone does have its advantages.

I woke up being spanked. After several sets, Sir asked me if I knew how many were in each set. I did not.

"Are you not counting?" Sir asked.

"No... I'm barely awake," I replied.

"Well, you should."

So I did. Sir was spanking me in repeated sets of 38.

"Happy Birthday, Bitch".

Little at Times

 Sir and I have realized over the years, that I definitely have a little side.

I don't know her exact age, but somewhere between 5-8 I think.

There are times where it's more pronounced than others.

But there is a time of day where it is pretty consistent. And that is bedtime.

Every night when we're getting ready for bed, I definitely feel little. Perhaps its that nighttime desire to be tucked in and cuddled. Perhaps a desire to feel safe before bed. Safe like a child, when life was simpler, and there was less to worry about.

Maybe it's nightly exhaustion removing some internal barriers.

I'm sure now, in listing an "age" there's some things there to unpack in therapy (my parents split when I was 7, so that being my age range... I'm sure that's linked somehow).

But I think I'm okay with it. Sometimes being little is confusing for me. But sometimes it really is nice to just... let everything go, and know I am safe with Sir. That he is going to take care of me, and everything is going to be okay until tomorrow.

New Nightly Ritual

Lately, Sir has been staying up much later that I do.

It seems I just can't go to sleep without him, though.

I'd feel tired, get up and put myself in bed...

And just wait there. Whether intentionally or not, my body and brain is waiting for him. And my sleep had been really suffering for it.

Now we have a new nightly ritual, and it's a great solution of Sir's.

He now puts me to bed every night.

I'll get into bed, and he'll join me. I'll cuddle up with my head on his lap. We'll chat softly, and he'll pet my hair until I fall asleep. 

Then, he'll gingerly slide out of bed and he can stay up as long as he wants.

It's a win-win.

Sir's Brand of Kindness

Sir has me pinned to the bed. Held down at his mercy as I wiggle and struggle to no avail.

He gets both of my hands pinned with one of his, and reaches back with his other hand in a move that is both hilarious to witness in its contortion, but sexy in its dominance.

I realize that look in his eye.

"Sir, please. No.... not the sock off your foot!"

He was kind.

He got up and gagged me with a clean sock.

This Photo is Love

 

This photo is love.

Looking at it, I am immediately swimming in affection for this man.

The beach is not Sir's thing.

But it is absolutely *my* thing. 

Any beach, even a lake beach, has some sort of restorative power to me. After a visit, even just a couple of hours, I am happier, and relaxed.

So Sir came with me to the beach last weekend. I definitely needed it. And though it's not really his thing, there he is.

And that is love.

Depression and Not Feeling Kinky

Last night while I was sleeping, Sir sent me a message via Fetlife. That is typically how we communicate about kinky things in our relationship. So if I see a Fetlife message from him, I know right away the general gist of the content, as opposed to him sending a regular email or the like.

It made me so pleased! We've had a rough go of it lately.My caregiving duties for my mother have steadily ramped up and up and up - and as the depression and despair creeped in, I made less and less time for myself, and for us. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been writing here as often, I think. I've been going to therapy for over a year now, and it's helped tremendously. I'm now also on a medication that while is not prescribed for depression, is definitely helping in that regard. Conversely, my mother has needed even more attention in the past year. She's been hospitalized twice, and is currently in skilled nursing. We're not sure if she will be able to go home, and since she is not handling her situation herself (though she *is* capable) its being dumped into my lap. Which is how she usually operates. With all that going on, I just haven't made time for me. I haven't felt "like me" in awhile.

The other reason for the lack of writing is that to be frank, there wasn't that much kink going on *to* write about. Sir has also been having a rough go of it. He was unemployed for the last 14 months. For Sir, his sense of self-worth and confidence is definitely tied to his career. So being unemployed (through no fault of his own), really tanked his self-esteem. And that tanked his ability to be dominant, or even *feel* dominant. 

Last month, he accepted a job offer for a true unicorn job in his field. And in the weeks since, I've seen his demeanor improve so much! He is definitely less depressed, more confident and I felt like he was starting to feel more dominant as well. Him reaching out last night proves that, I think.

I am so ready for that. I miss that side of him, and I miss us.

The Wait

 I sit in our office, in my customary computer chair. Sir sits in his. We are side by side.

He tells me to close my eyes. I feel him place a very comfortable blindfold over my face.

A gift, he says.

He is going to conduct a test.

And then... I wait.


At first, I fidget in my seat, slightly. Subtle movements of my limbs, stretching my fingers. Wiggling my hips.

I swing my legs, as if I am a child.

Eventually, I spin my chair around. I feel Sir's presence approach me. Steady hands firmly stopping my chair, and pressing it back to the wall, so I can no longer spin. He says nothing, but the message is clear.

He has not told me I cannot speak, but with his silence, I feel the weight of the blindfold over my lips in addition to my eyes.

Eventually, I relax.

In this moment, there is nothing I need to do. Nowhere else I need to be. Nothing to be responsible for.


All I have to do, is wait.

Subtle BDSM in Our Wedding

 So, at our wedding a few weeks ago, Sir and I wanted to incorporate somehow, in a subtle manner, some of the, ahem, *other* elements of our relationship. I of course wore my wristcollar, as I do everyday. But we wanted something more.

So, we decided to do a handfasting. Sir made the cords himself from bondage rope, and he attached charms to represent us both.

They really are just... beautiful.

The funny thing is, when the minister asked us for our cords before the ceremony, she remarked to the rest of the group, "Oh, don't worry, it's not for anything kinky..."

Reverend, if you only knew. (She probably does.)

Married!

 2020 was a heck of a year, and a lot of it was awful even without Covid gumming up the works.  I think it's best to just move on. Goodness.

But Sir and I kicked off 2021 in a HUGE way. We got married on our 10th Anniversary! Finally!

Sir is not only the Dominant, he is the Husband! I am not only the submissive, but I am the wife!

It is surreal. The entire ordeal was really stressful, and the week leading up to it ranks pretty high up there with the worst experiences of my life. All the things we had to go through just to get to this moment... Plus, my family is just awful sometimes... I just can't. His was not helping, either. This was not just normal wedding stress... sometimes it feels like these people go out of their way to make shit more difficult than it has to be. I asked my maids of honor, who are both married and they confirmed that what I was dealing with was above normal. I wish it weren't, but it can be nice to be validated sometimes.

I started going to therapy for the first time this past year to help myself navigate this mess and stand up for myself, but as one of my friends said, this was like being dumped into the final boss battle of boundaries and skipping all the other levels and power-ups along the way. I couldn't handle it properly and ended up doing everything for everyone else when I needed to be getting things done for and focusing on us. I am salty, but I am trying to let it go and focus on the good things.

Once I was walking down that aisle, everything did melt away. It was just me and Sir. With about a week's distance from the event, I can finally start to release the awful parts and embrace the good parts. And process that it is real. It DID happen. I can start to be excited!

We got hitched in a simple but lovely ceremony with just 10 people in attendance - our immediate families plus the maids of honor and best men. The minister was just perfect in representing us.  We are hoping to plan a "Part II" next year and have an actual reception with all our loved ones and the customary traditions. We pretty much got married, then had a quick dinner to thank those that stood up for us this year, and bounced.

 We are wed!

We honestly passed out on our wedding night - all the stress and sleeplessness catching up with us. But after our families left the next day we were able to have a good wedding weekend. We were able to celebrate each other properly with a 'wedding night', and reinforce the D/s side of things in our relationship. It was reassuring to me - just because we are married, that part of us is not gone! After 10 years, we are still surprising each other, still experiencing new things. Sir did things to me on my wedding night I'd never experienced before. He also made sure I knew who I belong to. It makes me love him all the more. 

And I still want to be Sir's submissive, more than ever.

Submissive wife now! <3

I'm Not Asking

Sir:

"Just because I'm saying it in the form of a question does not mean I am asking."

Beat to Sleep

Stuff has been pretty rough lately. I don't know if I have the words or energy to get into everything.

Yesterday, Sir decided that I was to get a beating. That I needed one. I agreed with him.

Except, I fell asleep right in the middle of it. Face down on our bed while in a spreader bar, getting hit and flogged and whipped.

One part of me finds that utterly ridiculous. Who does that? Does it indicate boredom, or a lack of interest in the goings on? I don't think so though.

Another part of me finds a bit of total surrender in it. The utter relaxation of impact play, and the complete trust in Sir.

We both hit on that trust when we spoke about it today.

A few weeks ago, I did something bad (nothing hugely catastrophic, but bad nonetheless). Sir said he was disappointed in me, and lost trust in me. It has really stuck with me and tore at my heart.

But last night showed me that perhaps not all trust is lost.

Merry Christmas 2019

Merry Christmas 2019 from our home to yours!

Winter Uniform

Sir has been struggling with deciding what my winter uniform will be. He likes me having a uniform. But he also acknowledges that my original uniform would not be practical for the winter - I'd freeze.

This look is pretty cute, but even with the fuzzy socks, I'd be a popsicle.


So, it took Sir a bit to figure out what he wanted, but he decided that my winter "uniform" will be my cuffs at my wrists and ankles.

I can wear my fuzzy socks and comfy pants and big green robe, as long as I have the cuffs on. My head thinks its a win and I agree.

Though it is still taking some getting used to getting them on and off. It is not part of my routine. I admit, in the morning when I am tired and grumpy and it is taking longer to get them off so I can get ready for work on time ... I am grumbling.

But I am doing it!

Update - Stress

Life can just get so... stressful sometimes.

I am really truly excited to get married. I love Sir, and I want to spend my life with him.

But wedding planning is a lot of work! I see why they have professional planners that get paid lots of money to do this.

We've done a lot in the planning department thus far, especially considering our wedding is not for over a year! We have the ceremony and reception locations, caterers, menu picked out (the tasting is next month!), officiant and DJ. Our invitations and Save-the-Dates are done (ready to be sent when we're ready to send them). Our wedding website is 90% done.

Between planning, the craziness at work (they sent me to Denver for training which was amazing, but exhausting), the holidays, my brother being gravely injured, and dealing with my mom... it is hard for me to make time to blog.

I like blogging, I like the time to process and connect and write. But when I let it get away from me, it snowballs and snowballs until I feel like I have to play catch up, and it's too much to catch up on, so I get overwhelmed and avoid it.

So I'm going to just get on here and write from time to time and try not to let the rest get to me (the catching up).

Denver was truly amazing. I'd never been out west before. The landscape was a real shock to me. The beauty. The mountains! I spent most of my time holed up in the hotel with classes and trainings and events, but we did have one day of field trips and they really crammed a lot into that one day (we went to a nature center, a zoo, a museum, and a mountain park!)

My brother is having surgery in two weeks. He was really hurt at work to the point that we're lucky he is alive, and not paralyzed. But he is and has been in a tremendous amount of pain, and will probably never work again. I'm going out there to be with him and the family. Fingers crossed it all goes all right!

I'm going away again on Wednesday for work. Another meeting. Another night away from Sir. At least work pays for these things. I feel so fancy sometimes with my business trips, ha!

In the meantime, now that it is cold, Sir has been thinking up ideas for a winter uniform. Can't have me going around in a white tank top and nothing else in this freezing weather!

... Well, I guess he COULD, but I am glad that he is electing to do something else.

Hope you're all staying warm (or cool as the case may be!) and having lovely holidays!

Spank Against the Machine

My uncle is a historian and he posted this on his social media this week:

I had wondered if this was actually real. If it was, I thought maybe they invented it as a way to discipline children...

Well, it is real! But it actually was invented for fraternity initiation rituals.

How interesting.

https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/demoulin-museum

Uniform Decisions

Sir made some decisions about the uniform. The A-shirt stands. I've been wearing it for about a week and a half now.

It is taking some getting used to, but in general I like it. I do feel a little bit too exposed, but in a way, that can be a good thing...

Back from the Banks

Sir and I have just returned from a fantastic vacation to the Outer Banks.

I haven't been able to relax like this in a long while. We rented this baller-ass house with friends. It slept 14, had a hot tub, a pool, a viewing tower, oceanfront views, and was a 1 minute walk to the beach.

We were delayed 1 day due to Hurricane Dorian, but it turned out well. Took me 4 whole days to get relaxed, but it was just... beyond words.

We did a lot of nothing, sprinkled with some activities. Reading, sunning, hot-tubbin, pina colada sippin. Beach bumming. I did go to the aquarium and an old-time colony village with Sir. Went kayaking with my college girl friends. Checked out Jockey's Ridge State Park - the Sand Dunes were amazing.

I could easily stay there another couple weeks (or forever!) if it weren't for adult responsibilities. I still feel pretty jello-like, even after a day back at work. Hopefully this feeling will stay a while.

Or we'll have to plan another vacation!

A few photo highlights (we took over 1600 photos!)

The sunrise. Just sucks all the awfulness right out of you, and leaves it in the sand.

Went kayaking in the marshes. Saw a snowy egret!

This bathtub was amazing. And had jets!
I bought some bath bombs specifically for it. I want one at home!

Sir and I on the dock at the Roanoke Island Festival Park. 💚