I've been struggling a lot lately. For months, if I'm being honest. Just in general, and it feels to me like it's with everything. With the stress at my job, with dealing with my family, with keeping up with chores and housework, with my sports team ( a LOT is going on there, and I have some very tough decisions to make)... and with D/s. Not so much with Sir per se, but just with being submissive, and retaining that mindset.
I had a day off, and Sir didn't. For once, I didn't have other obligations on this day. I slept in, and when I woke up, he had left this note on the counter, with all my new cuffs laid out underneath it.
I had a day off, and Sir didn't. For once, I didn't have other obligations on this day. I slept in, and when I woke up, he had left this note on the counter, with all my new cuffs laid out underneath it.
I was really grumpy upon seeing this message. I have been struggling a lot lately and normally, a message like this would have made my heart melt. A chance to serve. A reminder that Sir has been thinking about me. But for some reason, I was agitated. I suppose I feel like I haven't really been receiving domination lately. Just a cursory effort. It is not enough to give orders, or just tell someone what to do. There is a hard-to-describe mental quotient involved. Presence, desire, perhaps. And it is not there from Sir at this time.
So this just felt lazy to me. Here, put these on. Here, do a task that you were going to do anyway. Because naturally, you will be wearing those cuffs. It is not natural. It is new, and the assumption and superior tone of the note just rankled. Because of course I'm going to do as I'm told.
But he's the dom, right? That's how it is supposed to be. Superior; above me.
I struggled for awhile wondering what I was going to do. There was a large part of me that insisted I should crumple this note up and go about my day. I didn't though. I just left it on the counter as I went to have breakfast. But the longer I waited, the more it ate at me. I didn't go into action right away. But eventually.... I did put the cuffs on.
"I'll put these on", I thought, "But I am NOT cleaning that kitchen!"
Hours went by. it was nearly the end of the day and....
So this just felt lazy to me. Here, put these on. Here, do a task that you were going to do anyway. Because naturally, you will be wearing those cuffs. It is not natural. It is new, and the assumption and superior tone of the note just rankled. Because of course I'm going to do as I'm told.
But he's the dom, right? That's how it is supposed to be. Superior; above me.
I struggled for awhile wondering what I was going to do. There was a large part of me that insisted I should crumple this note up and go about my day. I didn't though. I just left it on the counter as I went to have breakfast. But the longer I waited, the more it ate at me. I didn't go into action right away. But eventually.... I did put the cuffs on.
"I'll put these on", I thought, "But I am NOT cleaning that kitchen!"
Hours went by. it was nearly the end of the day and....
I cleaned that kitchen, too.
There were 2 things I didn't complete... but I cleaned and organized the kitchen. Going against my initial reaction... I obeyed. It took a little time, but I did it.
If any of you have been watching the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix, it reminded me a little of something Aunt Hilda was saying in episode 13, when talking to Sabrina about when the Dark Lord presented her with a box, that had a button to push.
It wasn't about the act itself, or what the act would do... it was knowing that she would obey.
There were 2 things I didn't complete... but I cleaned and organized the kitchen. Going against my initial reaction... I obeyed. It took a little time, but I did it.
If any of you have been watching the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix, it reminded me a little of something Aunt Hilda was saying in episode 13, when talking to Sabrina about when the Dark Lord presented her with a box, that had a button to push.
It wasn't about the act itself, or what the act would do... it was knowing that she would obey.
I actually have half a post written on obeying, submission and the difference for *me*.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I can relate to the tone of your post. I've been there. The first step is to obey....eventually (lol) next time it becomes easier or quicker. Slowly the pieces fall back into place and the mindset goes along with those pieces
willie
I'm hoping it will, willie. Maybe like riding a bicycle or "getting back on the horse". Just have to make it a habit.
DeleteHear you <3
ReplyDeleteIts tough to be split focused like that and feel yanked, instead of...caught with honey :-P
I *love* the way you put that. Yanked as opposed to caught with honey.
DeleteI'm sorry you have been struggled Lea. I think many of us can relate to this from time to time. Good on you for following through, allbeit eventually lol
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
It took some time, but I got there. Perhaps thats the point. That even when I want to disobey, I did the right thing.... eventually, haha.
DeleteAnd I did tell Sir when he got home about my hesitation!
Oh gosh yes I've been there! Moments like that I say it's hard being a submissive you know! Well done for getting through it. Just a note you are never inferior as a submissive unless you want to be 👍🏻
ReplyDeleteWhen I say superior, I don't necessarily mean that it makes me inferior. Sir is superior to me... above me, but that doesn't make me less than. It's hard to explain but I think I am using the definition of superior as being higher in rank.
DeleteIt's a good distinction to make though!