Collar Fumble Recovery

A few days before I left for my trip, Sir had decided that he was bringing this back:

This is the first collar we ever had. It was purchased just down the street from Sir's old house back in New Jersey. In an independent locally owned pet store. My first collar was originally intended for a dog.

It was early on in our relationship, and I do remember us having a laugh looking over the collars, but then Sir picked one. It was like a fun shared secret as it was rung up, just between us. I remember being paranoid that everyone somehow "knew".

I wore it again at Sir's demand all these years between its first use, and it felt totally weird to me.

It felt like I was going backward. That collar will always have a special place in my heart, as the first one... but I also think of it as the collar we got when we were newbs and had no real idea of what we were doing. It didn't last very long, and I'm thinking now that this may be the first picture we've ever put up of it (I'll have to check).

So to put that collar back on, it felt like regression to me. Like failure, somehow. I brought it up to Sir, who had wondered if I was going to feel like that. But he didn't say anything initially because he didn't want to put that in my head if it wasn't there.

He had noticed that I was having trouble with the Big Collar. I typically wear it on two notches. Sir was trying to go for three during the day, and back to two at night. I never asked him to change it, but he noticed that I was constantly fiddling with it. It felt very constricting to me. I don't like things on my neck like that. I don't even wear turtleneck shirts!

He thought that because this one wasn't as thick, wearing it tighter against the skin might be easier.

I suppose it was, but I didn't really enjoy the few days that I was wearing it.

Then I went to North Carolina for ten days, and I was collarless. I miss the wristcollar, especially in a situation like that.

But when I finally got back last night, Sir had my Big Collar waiting for me.

He thought about it, and when I lost the wristcollar, he gave me the Big Collar with explicit instructions.

"How many collars do you have?"

"One, Sir".

And this was that one. Of course until he decides otherwise.

Its been back only for a day so far, but I feel better with it on.

Even if I am fidgeting with my neck. 

I'll get used to it eventually, right?

Keeping Hands Occupied

Recently, Sir was told by a medical professional that he needs to keep his hands "occupied". Because of the nature of Sir's work, his hands are usually well occupied there.

But not so much at home, sometimes.

So the other day we fixed that. We sat on the couch, watching TV as we do on some nights, and this is how Sir occupied his hands:

No complaints here. I enjoyed feeling the slight pressure of the ropes. And the marks were pretty! I hope this becomes part of our new routine.

Missing Sir, and My New Sippy Cup

I have been away from Sir for 6 days now. I miss him, but I'm glad to be here. I'm in North Carolina, visiting friends. I am so happy that each time, we pick up right where we left off. I miss them terribly, and every year, I go through the whole "We should move to NC" routine. While Sir has said that it's not off the table, we're so not ready for a move like that.

In a souvenir shop at one of the attractions we went to, I purchased a sippy cup. I thought it was cute and adorable, and told myself that I could totally take the sippy lid off and use it as a smaller regular cup.

But honestly, I don't want to. I kinda want to use this thing as an actual sippy cup. Maybe this feeling will pass. Maybe not. But this cup is cute and its making me irrationally happy.

It is also making me wonder if this is more of my "little" side. Lately she only seems to come out if I am grumpy.

Regardless, I love my new sippy cup!

Dress Code Changes

On our Anniversary, Sir brought out a typed document.

In it he had listed some changes to my dress code, and to my collar rules.

Currently, my dress code states that I am to wear a dress or a skirt at all times (if I am dressed for the day, and not in my work uniform, which its own thing). In colder weather, I may wear leggings underneath my dress or skirt. In hot weather, I wear nothing except panties underneath. For working out, I have some workout skirts, and a couple of skorts.  For sleep/in the house, I can have lounge or pajama pants. There was a brief time where I was not allowed a top, but for the winter I am. We'll see if the no top rule comes back when the warmth does.

Sir has taken away leggings. It isn't immediate, but more "as we get the right items".

Sir would like me to wear thigh high socks/stockings/tights under my skirts when it is cold. If it is a bit warmer, then knee-highs.When it's hot, none. The knee-highs are fine. And Sir knows, I LOVE socks.

But the thigh highs! My main issue with thigh-highs is that they NEVER seem to stay the hell up. I guess because I have thick thighs. Slouchy socks, or rolling down socks are a huge pet peeve of mine. It drives me crazy in my own skin. And if the thigh highs are rolling down, well then they're not really going to be thigh high, right? So as we were talking, a garter belt got added to the list. If they wont stay up, then we need to make them stay up, right?

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I'm excited. Anything new seems to excite me a little. And it is another way to show my submission to him. On the other hand... I have some really pretty leggings. I'll be sad to lose them.

I went online and got a really inexpensive pair of thigh highs to try out. And a garter belt. I've never worn one, so I don't know how that's going to go. Or if it will fit. But it is a step in the right direction.

I also need some longer skirts for winter, if leggings are out. Sir said I can keep a couple of pairs of leggings to wear under my uniform, because of winter. But the rest have to go. As I get more appropriate stockings, I guess I can give my leggings away or donate them, bit by bit.

I'm just not sure how they're going to feel. Or if it will be warm enough. Or how the whole garter belt thing is going to go.

I guess I'll find out!

Lucky Number Seven!

Seven scintillating years with Sir! We had a pretty good day today, and a decent weekend too.

Friday night Sir had me bring him some gaming stuff he forgot at home to him at his local gaming store. I ended up bringing some food too, and we had a little date night. We played Photosynthesis - such a visually beautiful and fun game. It is deceptively complex. Definitely recommended!

Love this game!

Sir had work on Saturday. But today, he was off. Last night he chained me to the bed, something he hasn't done in a very long time. He also tied my hands together and had me sleep like that. This morning he undid the chains, and I "got" to make him breakfast.

Part of my sarcastic, sassy ass shot back "Get to? Like it's some honor or something?"

I definitely wasn't fully awake. Sir simply said, "yes", and went to take a shower. We both knew I was going to get up and do it. I made him some Ham and Eggs.

I got better once I had food and tea in me. We had a nice little breakfast and talked about our relationship. Sir is changing a few of my rules, all of which officially pertain to my dress code. We don't have the necessary items as of yet to make these changes immediately though. Sir had a quick appointment to get to, so I bathed while he was out.

When he got back, I was all cozy on the couch in my bathrobe with my towel still on my head. After a bit of a cuddle, we went into the bedroom. In the winter especially, I usually put lotion all over my body after bathing. Well, Sir decided he was going to apply it. He got me on the bed, and tied my hands. Then he had me lay face down.

Putting that lotion on was definitely an experience. Because it is so cold, I felt like it was almost like reverse wax play! I have a pump lotion bottle, so Sir would decide where he would let the lotion drip, straight from the bottle. Each time the lotion hit my body was a little intense. It could have been worse. I told Sir, "You could have put that bottle in the fridge first!"

Sir was nice after that though, and made sure to warm that lotion up, rubbing it into my skin, all over my body. Across my back, into the flesh of my ass, down my thighs and calves. He had me turn over,  chained me to the spreader bar, and repeated that process on my chest, down my abdomen, and again on my thighs and shin.

The thing about freshly applied lotion: it makes the skin sting when spanked, almost like being wet! Sir definitely drove that point home making my legs and ass sting! With the spreader bar, he could get into the sides of my thighs, that does have a bit of an impact! We had a nice little fuck after that; it had been a pretty long time for Sir (with me being away and all). I like looking up into his eyes while he is teasing me; I revel in feeling his power over me. My legs and hips were jello-y after; its been awhile that we've used the spreader bar. Even with the discomfort I always tell Sir: I think we need a longer one!

Sir had made us dinner reservations for a lovely Nepalese restaurant that we went to for Valentine's day last year. I was so thrilled he did that! Before we went, he wrapped my hair a little:

I like the way it looks like this; just a hint.
If he had done the whole thing; we'd have been there for hours and missed our meal!

I was happy he did my hair like this. Just a little thing between me and him, and maybe a tiny hint for the public, if they know what to be looking for?

We had a fantastic dinner at the restaurant, we definitely enjoyed the meal. Perhaps too much. We came home to cuddle and be sloths and digest on the couch, listening to The Cranberries (sad news, that).

It was a good celebration of our love. We're in a good place, and I'm so excited for what the future will bring us!

Happy seven years, Sir!

Today, Submission Looks Like

Today, my submission looks like making a 25 minute drive to meet Sir at the game store he frequents on Friday nights. He forgot his cards, and I will bring them to him.

He didn't make it a demand, per se. This is how he phrased it, via text:

"Hey, I need you to do kind of a big thing for me... on the tray in the living room is a small box marked "X-Wing Cards". Can you please get that box and bring it to me tonight? I should be there about 8 tonight, maybe a bit later than that."

It was phrased as a request. But I don't think there was any expectation that I would say no. We both know I have nothing legitimate going on tonight. The expectation is that I am to do this.

But what if I did say no? Maybe he'd accept it, if I had a decent reason. But if not (as tonight).... I wonder if he would demand that I do this?

It is sort of a big thing for me to do this, and I definitely feel submissive doing it. I would not typically do this thing, especially if he were not already with me. And not at the end of the day. I had a four hour work meeting about an hour away, then I went for a run, then I went to the supermarket. I'm actually tired. My bones and muscles ache from my run (I haven't ran since October). All I want to do is take a hot bath, and curl up in my fuzzy socks and robe. I just got back in the house about 15 minutes ago, and in a little bit, I'll be going out again (Whine -I hate that. I try to combine all errands because once I'm in, I'm IN!)

Except tonight  This has to be different. It's a little mission for him, solely for him. At least it was. Now, since I will be there, it seems to be turning into an impromptu date night. I am going to bring some food with me for us, and we'll play a game together before he plays with his buddies.

So it's a good thing really, all around. For Sir, who needs his cards. For me, who is getting a chance to exercise my submission.  And for us both, for getting in a little date night to kick off our anniversary weekend!

Be Ready

Last week, as Sir was walking out the door he said to me:

"When I get home tonight, I want you to be ready."

"Ready, Sir?"

"Yes, just ready. Love you."

Then he went to work.

All day I was wondering what I needed to be ready for. Did that mean I needed to be dressed to go out? Did it mean I needed to be mentally ready cause he was bringing the fire when he got home?

I decided to be dressed to go out if need be, but comfortable.

And I never did get a chance to find out just WHAT I was to be ready for! Real life interfered and we had some emergency financial stuff to attend to as SOON as he got home. He basically walked in, dropped off his stuff, then we ran out to attend to it. I tried to wheedle it out of him, but he said he's going to keep his plans to himself.

I suppose to use later.

I better be ready!

Do You Choose Anonymity?

One of my favorite blogs and people is treasure. A few weeks ago when talking about posting photos she mentioned that she thought about the fact that Sir chooses for us to remain anonymous. At least, as anonymous as possible in a public forum. I'm sure if someone gave that much of a shit, they could figure it out. It's all about plausible denyability, here I suppose. I think if we got that close to someone in this realm, he might think about sharing more and being less anonymous, at least privately. I mean, we have gone to munches and events, after all. We've even come across other kinksters in the area in very public non-kink related places. All were very discreet.

So her comment made me think about those choices. Do you or your Dom-type person choose anonymity? Why? or why not? Is there a certain degree of anonymity? Such as - you can show your face but not your body?

I'm interested in hearing about people's choices. Does the anonymity choice have something to do with a sensitive career, or being in a more conservative community? Or perhaps its just a privacy thing in general. Or maybe it's about being uncomfortable in front of cameras.

For us, it's a little complicated. While we do live in a more conservative area, I don't really think that has anything to do with his choice for us to be anonymous on the net. If they found us, well they're searching out kink, so they're kind of outing themselves too. At first, I had concerns about my family finding things out. But a couple of my family members do have somewhat of an idea about our relationship, and that's been okay (Though most of them are clueless). It's different to read certain things in graphic detail, or see your family member's naked body though.

I think the main reason for anonymity is professional. I have a very public job, in an area where most people probably wouldn't "get it", and there could be really negative repercussions. I don't think my boss would care so much, but I could see there being some uptight pain in the butt person on a vendetta because what we do offends them on some moral level, and it's just not right or something. Sir has a less public job than I do, but it's probably similar, just a bit less of an issue for him.

If I ever became a purely stay at home submissive, or had a part time job that wasn't as crucial, I wonder if Sir's thoughts on that would change. If we had children, would that affect his decision?

The other rule for me is that I'm not allowed to show major nudity. No breasts (nipples, really), ass, or vajayjay.  Even if Sir decided that suddenly, we could show our faces, I'm pretty sure the nudity rule would remain in effect. Sir's rule is that my nudity is for him only. We have private photos of our nudity of course, but those don't go public (Lord willing, ha!). He has mentioned in the past wanting to display me led on a leash in the nude at certain events, so I'm not sure if his thinking is changing on that. Or if in-person is different than digital. I would suspect yes, since people see our faces at munches and events, but not online.

Do you have thoughts or rules on anonymity?

Thinking with my Hands Tied

Gotta tell ya, I'm proud of this photo.
I took it with my phone, using my face!

This is the current state of things at the moment. Sir said that the rope would help me to "not do things". Because I have done enough responsible things today - housework, errands, and such. It is hard for me to just relax and unwind. I tend to feel like I must be getting things done. Sir has said, "A lazy girl, you are not". So now my hands are quite literally tied.

Though it is a bit of a pain, I'm happy inside.

We had a conversation on New Years Day about the state of our D/s. I think it was prompted a bit by our discussion of the movie Secretary. We moved on to some articles that I had sent Sir. That's what we do - if I see a blog post or an article that I find relevant or think he might want to read, I send it to him via Fetlife. Makes it easier. One of the blog posts was about the writer talking about a lack of D/s in her relationship. That she subsists on scraps now and then. It resonated with me.

Sir asked me if I ever feel like that. And I had to tell him that I do. With the caveat that I don't feel that way in our vanilla side of the relationship, at all. He's very supportive, and I'm happy with us. He feels the same way as far as that goes.

 But for the D/s side... I do feel like that, often. Sir is... well, not absent... but certainly not really present. He's not focused.

I told him that when it comes to D/s, I feel like an afterthought. And while that was a truth he needed to hear, I've been thinking. It's not only him.

I read another blog (I wanted to link it but I forgot which one), where the person was talking about their accountability as the submissive in the relationship. That even if it's not what you thought it would be, your role is to submit. Yes, bring up to your Dom your concerns, but above all, obey. Defer to your Dom, and the dominance will come, sort of.

And I need to hold myself more accountable. There are basic things that I am not doing that I should be. Sir has been lenient, especially last week with my injury. But if we're being honest, there were certain things that were not happening even a bit before I got hurt.

There are things that are unofficial rules around here that I haven't been doing.
And there are things that I know would be pleasing to Sir, even if they aren't rules that I could be doing.

It's not like I have a lack of time. I've been home. I have been planning family and friend visits, but essentially, I've been home.

So I will work on that. I am happy to say that I think my head is in a good place. The collar was able to come back on New Years Day. The right way to start 2018. I was even able to sleep in it, though we weren't sure if that was going to be possible.

And I noticed that just with it being on, I felt small changes in myself. Today when I was getting dressed, I put on a skirt. If I am just in the house, I normally don't do that, though if I leave the house, I have on a dress or skirt. In the house, I don't bother to get "fully dressed". And when I come home I take that skirt off right away, just lounging around in my leggings and shirt. Though I am now remembering a time or two when I left in haste, no skirt. That's bad, but I don't want to lie.

It wasn't something I really thought about too much when doing it, but now that I'm thinking about it, I think being recollared had something to do with it. A small subtle change in mindset.

This is where I want to be. Making progress. And I think Sir will make more progress, too.

Though I haven't really mentioned it too much, I think Sir and I have come so far in rekindling D/s since our whole lives were thrown out of whack when my father passed away. Thinking about two years ago, and thinking about now... We are so much better. I don't think we are where we were before his death, because things were pretty awesome then, but I can see us getting back there now.

Before, it seemed like a far-off goal, something not really tangible or attainable. I can see us getting back there now.

One step at a time. One act of submission at a time. One command at a time.

Maybe one tie at a time!