Wednesday, October 01, 2014

How Much Control Am I In? How Can I Do More in My Submission?

I was reading Submissive Sanctuary and a post there got me to thinking.

How much control am I really in?

Sir and I are striving towards a power exchange, were he has the control. I think that as of right now, we probably won't get to the level of full-on Master/slave. I don't hate on those that do, more power to you [or your dom(me)], I just think it's not us. Mostly because I have some sort of knee-jerk reaction to being a slave. Though I have no problem being collared or owned, etc. It's a weird dichotomy in my head. It may change over time though, it's less of a knee-jerk reaction than it was before.

But, I wonder how much control I really have? I make an awful lot of decisions around here. Bills, utility providers, shopping, eating, etc. I can ask Sir to do something, like take out the garbage and he usually does (though I am asking and not telling, I wonder if I would be affronted if he said no).

I think about how I used to believe fully that I couldn't be submissive unless he was actively dominating me. I think that in the past, I was under the impression that if he wasn't dominating me, I was "subbing to air". And I think that if you don't have a dominant in your life, that may hold. It's hard to sub to random people, and then there's the tricky issue of consent. But if you do have a dominant, it's different. I don't fully hold to the idea that he has to be actively telling me what to do 24/7 for me to be submissive anymore. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that feeling his control over me helps, but if he isn't actively dominating me, does that make me any less his submissive?

I think not.

I think a lot of this has to do with intent.

When we moved in together, I was afraid of getting stuck doing all the work in the house. That it wouldn't be "equal"... but now... why would I want it to be equal? We've never strived for equality here. That doesn't mean I'm beneath him, just that the control is his. So when I'm paying bills, or choosing what meals we eat every day, I really need to change the perspective that I'm coming from.

I'm not taking charge of the house because I'm the boss and I'm in control. I should come from the perspective that being on top of the bills, and the cleaning, and the food and cooking and meals is a help to Sir. It makes his life easier and it is being of service to him. And if he decides that it's his "man job" to take the trash out every week, then I should just be appreciative.

Sometimes I do feel like I have Sir wrapped around my little finger. And perhaps, that may be true. I just hope that I don't use that too often to my advantage and manipulate situations. I should evaluate that.

But if he's wrapped around my finger, then I'm certainly wrapped around him too. A better description would be that he's got his hands wrapped around my hair. Dragging me wherever he wants me to be.

So, if he decides that he's not actively giving me instructions, I can still take it upon myself to serve him, and be of use.

And that's where I'm starting to get stuck. I think it would help me to make a list of ways that I can be submissive to him without him having to say "Bitch..." all the time.

Some of that is adhering to the rules, whether he's here or not, and trying my best to follow them, without worrying about what he would do if I didn't. NOT trying to test him. Right now, we don't actually have many rules, but perhaps that will change. I look forward to it if it does, just because I crave any sense of control that he could have over me.

Some of that is anticipating his wishes. A small example, is the other night for dinner, I wasn't sure if he would want to eat our meal with a spoon or a fork. So I provided both so he could be happy either way. It was better than just making the decision FOR him and hoping I was right.

So now, I'm trying to think of ways I can show my submission to him, purely on my own.

I do some things for him already. I make dinner every night when he gets home (even if it's just ramen noodles because we're broke). I make his lunch every day, too. I wear my collar anytime we're not in public. There've been a few times I could get away with it, so I wore it outside too. I also have a leather bracelet that is sort of my mini-collar that I wear unless I'm doing something that will damage it (like taking a shower, giving the lizard a bath, doing dishes, etc). It serves as my collar in public, I guess.

So I want to do more. So far, I'm thinking that maybe every day when he gets home (provided I am here before he is), I can bring him a drink at his computer desk. He tends to unwind there every evening, and I notice he's thirsty every time. So maybe my doing that would be a good thing.

The other night he came home and I really tried. I had a beverage for him, which I think confused him, actually but the intent was there. As he sat down in his chair I gave him a back massage, and I think he appreciated that service. Perhaps more massages are in order.

Another thing I could do that wouldn't be a daily occurrence is to take care of his feet. Sir has expressed wanting to care more for his feet, and I think I should make that my job to serve him that way. I already service him by grooming his private parts, and I think this should be my job too. I think of the bible and Jesus humbly washing the feet of his disciples to express his servanthood, and though I am certainly no Jesus, the intent of the act could be the same. Sir isn't overly religious, though I think he believes in a higher power. He doesn't need to read the bible though, to appreciate my washing and caring for his feet as his submissive.

Being fully dressed every day and looking my best when he comes home couldn't hurt. Once I start working, this will be less of an issue, but being home all day seems to sap the need to get dressed right out of me. I'm still in my PJ's as I write this. Sir is not like that. He is either naked and sleeping or fully dressed. He didn't even own a pair of pajamas when I met him. I actually had to buy him some for when we'd be around family and friends!

I could kneel for him every day when he comes home. He listed that as a task for me to do a couple of weeks ago, so perhaps it is something he would enjoy. I think it would keep me in the right submissive headspace to have that time to kneel and reflect before he walks in.

Maybe I could lay out his work clothes every night for him. I'm hesitant, because that gives me a bit of control on his appearance, but if it's coming from a place of helping him, it might not be so bad. Plus, they're all his clothes, so it's not like I can pick something that he'd hate. Today, he had me lay out clothes for him for an event we're going to later, so perhaps he won't mind.

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I'm looking for things I could do on a regular basis.

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