Thursday, January 20, 2011
I’ve been spending time finding some blogs that I could relate to, written by people like me. This was really hard for me initially; which is part of the reason I started writing here. I’d been lurking around for months before I actually set fingers to the keyboard. Since then, I’ve actually come across a few that I thought were well written and introspective. I like reading the thoughts of other people that are going through a similar experience, rather than a manual or other books; it’s more real to me. Recently, I saw a post from Intelligent Submission that I found fascinating.
What caught my eye initially was the photograph. I had such an internally violent, stomach flipping reaction that it surprised me. When confronted with the idea of fecal play, though I find it utterly disgusting, repulsive, and in no way would I ever want participate in such activities, I don’t feel like a sense of wrong is visibly fighting its way through my body.
Admittedly, I have a bit of a needle phobia, but I thought I had taken good measures to lessen it. When I was younger, there was one occasion where it took four nurses to forcibly hold me down just to get an injection. Over time, I was able to control my reactions. I would sit relatively calmly and allow bloodwork to be done, though I was freaking out internally. I’ve gotten better. Currently, I am even a regular blood donor. Since my blood type is O negative, they call me a lot in times of need. I even got my ears pierced. I’ve got two holes in each earlobe, plus a cartilage piercing in my right ear. I thought the cartilage piercing would help me overcome this phobia tremendously. I reasoned that if I could willingly allow myself to be pierced with needles, for something recreational and not medical, I would get over it. My next and ultimate step was to get a tattoo, which I’ve done. I’d thought about getting a tattoo for ages, but not only as a tool for overcoming my phobia. I had an idea that I sat on for a good three years before I went ahead and put it on my body. After getting the tattoo, I felt my confidence soar! I definitely felt that my fear was over, and I’ll probably get another one, soon even. After seeing that image, however, I realize that I’ve not come as far as I thought, and I’m not sure I would be willing to go further.
I’m not sure if it’s solely the idea of having the nipple pierced that gets to me. Though I don’t think I would do it, simply looking at nipple piercings does not evoke a knee-jerk reaction in me. It’s actually seeing the pointed ends. I’ve also seen other images where the needles are not sticking out, but I still have those same fearful feelings. Seeing a closed round piercing, or even the ball ended piercings doesn’t evoke the same reaction. It’s the needles themselves.
I have such respect and admiration for the strength and trust that it must have taken for Melissa to willingly have this experience. I can’t currently imagine being in a place where I could do the same, and I’m not sure it’s something I would ever want to confront.