Not Being Abused!

Last weekend, I was visiting with family for a few days while Sir was still at home in Pennsylvania.

My family was asking how we were doing out there, and how Sir was. Somehow, the topic came up of who wears the pants in our relationship.

Everyone had a consensus.

"You know Lea is calling all the shots, keeping that guy in check! She's got him whipped."

Oh, if they only knew! I made that exact comment quietly to my cousin. Somehow, in her warped brain she thought I was telling her that I was a victim of domestic abuse (because that is how I would reveal that, if I were?). The next night, I came out to her about our relationship so she wouldn't think that Sir is punching me in the face or some such nonsense. I didn't tell her much, just that we have a D/s relationship and Sir is the one who is wearing the pants. And that I am happy and not being abused.

It made sense to her, the D/s part to a certain degree. Before Sir, I would chew guys up and spit them out, when I was in a relationship. Sir is my longest lasting relationship, probably because of our dynamic.

As an aside, tonight is the first time I am sleeping in our apartment alone. I have traveled away and slept without Sir, but I was with family. Being here alone definitely feels different!

Why in Trouble?

I had a pretty productive day. Worked (huzzah for money), took a quick walk at a park and snapped some photos, made lunch, did the dishes (piled up for 2 days now), defrosted chicken for dinner, washed, folded, and put away 2 loads of Sir's laundry, did my own laundry, reorganized the bathroom cabinet, fixed the bedroom blinds, unpacked a little bit more, put some things up for sale on Craigslist...

I was feeling pretty good with myself.

I hear Sir come in just as I'm finishing up my Craigslist ad. He turns down the radio (as he does every day).

I exclaim, "If you're going to turn it down that low, you can just turn it off!"

He comes in the room and quietly says, "Bitch, on your knees."

It's like a switch goes off in my brain. I am apprehensive, and feeling entirely in my place. But I am a little bit panicked. I am in trouble. I know this. But what for?

Apparently it was not for my comment about the radio.

It was also not for giving Sir a whole apple for lunch (I usually slice them so its easier for him).

He asks me to tell him what I packed him for lunch.

It is actually hard for me to remember, even though I got up early this morning to do it, since I didn't make time last night (we went out to a munch).

A pot pie..... pudding..... peach iced tea..... a protein bar.... What else? What else? Something is missing.

An apple! I didn't slice it though-- But he tells me that's not it either. What am I missing?

It finally dawns on me.

A fork. And a spoon. How can Sir eat his pudding without a spoon? How can he eat his pie without a fork?

I try to get myself out of trouble.

"Sir, making your lunch was never an official rule or duty. It's just something I started doing, and now do everyday."

"Your work has forks and spoons there, you told me! You said that if I forgot, it was okay because there were utensils there!"

Sir takes this into consideration as I remain kneeling. He decides that for tonights meal, I am to eat with only a fork. No knife or spoon. I may have a plate, but its more for keeping the apartment tidy than being gracious to me.

I tell him that if he wants me to not have a plate, he could make me eat off something else. Like a cutting board. Now I think that perhaps he could have made me eat from a bowl, sitting on the floor. Whether or not that included the fork would be up to him. Or just what he decides I may have, sitting below him. Our kitchen table is actually very tall, and we use barstools, so it would be and added level of power there.

But I digress. I ate dinner with just a fork. The vegetables weren't so bad. The meat was another story. I  made chicken parmigiana. I also made angel hair pasta, which was okay. But the chicken I ate tearing off bites from the big hunk I was able to get my fork into.

I am totally grateful that I was allowed a fork at all. I could have had to eat with my hands, or just using my mouth. Or not at all.

You can be sure that Sir has a fork, spoon, and knife packed for his lunch for tomorrow!

Using My Neck

I've been wearing the big monster collar for the past two days, because I've been a bad submissive. I forgot to put my collar on when coming in from work. Sir "caught" me (though I would have told him anyway), and he immediately put on the big collar. Then, after I took a shower, I forgot to put it on AGAIN! This was after already forgetting earlier in the week, too.

Ughhhh. I was/am so mad at myself.

I'm attributing it to the cold temperatures of the house addling my brains (seriously, the house was warm today, and I remembered). The times I forgot, it was freeeezing. But, it's not really an excuse. There is no excuse. If I open the door and Queen Elsa herself is making my home into an icy wonderland, I should still remember to put my collar on.

Before wearing this collar around the house today, I never realized how much I use my chin/neck. Now that I can't really utilize or move it, I suppose I miss it.

Folding sheets and towels, holding my phone while washing dishes. Laying down to read. I can't get comfortable. It's a wonder that I was able to sleep.

I think about how precioustreasure mentioned how she used to have a sleeping collar but her Master did away with that eventually. And she felt that she just has to learn how to be comfortable sleeping and doing anything in the collars he chooses. She is right of course.

I am trying to adopt that attitude, but I am finding it difficult. I suppose it gets better with time. You can get used to anything!

Opinions and Facts

Sir and I were having a disagreement on which is better: Milky Way or Snickers.

He had just allowed me to eat a Milky Way from the rewards cabinet, and let me know that Snickers were better.

"I think Milky Ways are better, Sir."

"...You're wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong."

(while chewing) " Mmmmm. Oh yes, Sir, you're right, these are horrrrible."

"Are you sassing me?"

"No! I can't sass you for an opinion. It's just an opinion!"

"Bitch, my opinion is your fact."

<3

Though we were just messing around, I love that line.

My opinion is your fact.

How true that is!

Minty Spoon

The other night, Sir had me massage some muscle rub cream on his back. He's been having a hard time with his shoulder lately. I knew it was bad because he had woken me up at 5:30 am to rub this stuff in that makes everything smell like toothpaste, but provides a tingly cold feeling to combat the pain. Sir seems to hate the smell of it, so if he's actively asking me to put it on, it must have been bad. Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend. After I gave him the massage I took a shower and got into bed to read beside him. I turned over to hug him so that I was the "big spoon". Though, he'll always be my big spoon.

Sir said that he should make me spoon him shirtless. I didn't understand why until I remembered he still had the cream all over his back. I don't know if I want to find out how that stuff would feel on my breasts and nipples! I really hate being cold, but it sounds interesting.

I can't decide if it would be a punishment or great fun!

Budget Whartenberg Wheel

Now that Halloween is coming up, it got me to thinking.

One of the biggest search terms that brings people to this blog is "Wartenberg wheel".

Well, we still have and use that first Wartenberg wheel... it's a particular favorite when used on my back. Though nearly any kind of stimulation on my back is a favorite.

But now, we have another.

Say hello to our friends! Our first wheel is on the bottom, and the new one on top!

Where did we get this other one? Why, a pumpkin carving kit! A Disney pumpkin carving kit!

When I got the kit I was immediately struck by how similar one of the tools was to our Wartenberg wheel. So out of the kit and into the toybag it came. It does have some differences.

The wheel from the pumpkin kit is much larger, and the pointy bits are more spaced apart. I can't really describe if one is sharper or not per se... it really depends on how much pressure you're applying. Dragging it sideways is another good scratchy sensation.

So if you're getting ready for Halloween, take a look in your kit and see if you've got one of these gems in there!

Happily Serene

This morning as I drove to work, I had an almost overwhelming sense of joy and peace, thinking about Sir and how he dealt with me yesterday.

I did need to be reminded of my place. He chose to remind me by forcing me down over his knees as he struck me until I gave in. I tried to hold out, for quite a while, being the stubborn girl that I am (not always a good trait, especially against your Dom). I tried to get away. I tried to squirm out of his reach. I tried to take it and prove to myself that I could handle it. And through it all, he restrained me with his body, overpowered me completely, and didn't let me get away. He didn't let my tears deter him, and continued on until I gave him what he wanted.

Eventually I did, as I could do nothing else.

"Are you ready to stop whining now?"

"...Yes, Sir."

Though this spanking punishment was not fun (I normally find spanking and striking appealing, but the context and intensity of the blows changed it all), I am happy to know that Sir can and will put me in my place.

Overall, I still think that we are better as a D/s couple, meshing well together, even if my brain doesn't know how to react to certain situations.

And I'm sure tomorrow as I drive to work, I will smile thinking of him.

Vanilla Brain vs. Submissive Brain

Lately I've been having a struggle as Sir and I mesh our lives together. I find myself getting annoyed by a lot of small things that add up over time and make me really frustrated. Speaking with others, it seems that these things I'm getting annoyed with are pretty typical when couples move in together. Vanilla couples, that is.

The things that are grating on my nerves have mostly to do with basic survival and upkeep of the house. Cleaning the bathroom, budgeting, purchasing and cooking food. Planning meals. Doing laundry. Setting up a life in a new state (transferring all credentials, car titles, etc). These are things that Sir does not think about, unless I bring them to his attention. I get annoyed that I have to explain these things to a grown man (who is 5 years older than me), who has lived on his own before we moved in together. It seems that these are all things that women commonly go through with their men, but things are different for us.

My brain is at war with itself. As a submissive, it should be my service to make things easier on Sir. To do these things, and let him have more free time to do as he wishes. On the other hand, I think it would be different if Sir were aware of these things, and tasked me to do them, instead of me worrying about everything while he remains clueless.

I am trying to remain in a proper submissive headspace, but sometimes I find it difficult. I went to Maine this weekend to help a friend and I had 4 days away from Sir where I made a lot of decisions, had a lot of freedom, and had a chance to commiserate with other females about "man problems". It was good to see that it was not just us, but today I was a little bit bratty.

Sir had to put me in my place. I lost count (as did he) but I think he struck me over 200 times. He made a good point though. "You may have to show me how to do a lot of things this first year of us living together, but I will still spank  your ass when you get out of line".

I think I needed the reminder to get back into my rightful role. Submission does not come naturally to me; I am naturally a dominant and outgoing person. But I am happiest in a submissive relationship. So it's work, as any relationship is.

I think for now, we've struck a compromise. I will show Sir the things that I think are necessary in terms of running the household and daily life. He doesn't have to do them, of course, but I think it will better him as a person to have the knowledge at least. And I will do my best to be respectful about it and come from a place of wanting to help him, rather than getting frustrated of his ignorance.

Progress

Slowly.... slowly things are coming together.

Today I got finally got hired for a job around here! It's not my long term goal or dream job, but it's flexible and pays well enough that we can breathe and not feel guilty every time we do something (like eat out, or buy jam at the farmer's market... though we've really limited non-essential spending and events).

Our place is slowly coming together also. We've unpacked more boxes, hung up pictures... there's still a lot to do, but at least now it has a basic feeling of a home, rather than just a flophouse with a maze of boxes.

Sir and I are also starting to make this 24/7 thing work for us. Little everyday things that seep into your being. Like tonight, asking for a snack (though I could work on my phrasing) rather than just getting up and eating one.

It was funny. I asked Sir: what if he said "no".

He said, "Then you wouldn't be eating".

"But I'd be hungry".

He just gave me a look. Like, duh. We talked about it and I suppose it just didn't occur to me that he could leave me hungry. I mean, I am NOT starving and we had dinner. But I feel my tummy rumbling. But should he decide that I am not eating any more for the night, then I suppose that is it! He was actually nice and picked a snack for me and let me have a beverage too, as long as it wasn't soda or juice.

We're also connecting better sexually. Not that this has ever really been an issue, but this weekend we actually were able to climax simultaneously. I don't think that's ever happened for me before. It's not something we ever shoot for, because just getting me to finish is a feat in itself.

Though earlier in the week, he got me so good that if the rope wasn't holding me up, I'd probably have fallen. He had bound my arms up by pulling the rope over the door and closing it. Damn if I didn't pull half that rope through the door in passion though! Maybe next time we should secure it to the doorknob on the other side.

It's not ALL sunshine though. I did get punished on Saturday. I was becoming a bit too comfortable, teasing Sir, and not being as respectful as I should be. None of it was meant maliciously, but I can see where it wasn't appropriate. We were in Walmart and I was acting like a little kid, looking at everything, touching things, being mouthy, and Sir just wanted to get ONE bookcase and get out of there. We did end up seeing this metal spoon rest (and we needed one, so we got it). Sir said we needed two. I was confused and kept insisting that one was enough. "What are we going to do with two?" He gave me this evil look and finally I understood. I had to sprint through the store to grab another one because Sir was already in line.

For the last half of the trip, he had to hold my hand to the cart to keep me from wandering. And still I was looking at things, and touching with my other hand. I didn't realize it at the time, but it must have been frustrating for him.

When we got back, he stripped me bare,  and handcuffed me behind my back. He chained my left foot to our bed, and then just left me there. Alone. For an hour. When I asked him a question, he came in and gagged me. I don't like the gag because it makes me drool and I find it really embarrassing. The room was cold, I was uncomfortable, drooling, and embarrassed. And worst of all, Sir was ignoring me. I could hear him in the living room unpacking boxes. He would come in periodically, to get something, and I really felt his absence.

Eventually he decided my punishment was over, and we made up.

I am making an effort to be more mindful of my phrasing, and respect.

Here's to progress!

Sweet Sir

Yesterday I had a really long training day for a potential job. I was so beat when I got home.

When I walked in, Sir had made us dinner! It is typically my job to make us dinner, but Sir chose to make food for us. Sir is not very culinarily inclined, so this was a huge sweet gesture on his part.

I wolfed down that macaroni and cheese.

I was about 3/4 through the bowl when Sir asked, "Are you going to finish that?"

"Yes..."

"Darn."

Sir typically eats more than me (and I usually fill his plates much more than mine) but I had been on my feet running around all day, and I was ravenous. He let me clean my bowl. : )

Sir also decided that I could have a cookie too!

We have a cabinet above the stove that is a pain in the butt for me to get into. On the top shelf of that cabinet is what Sir calls "rewards" - my junk food. When I am good, he allows me to have something from it.

I can have some snacks anytime - like popcorn, or some apple straws. He even put the Doritos in the anytime category (I suppose as long as I don't abuse it). Right now on the top shelf is Caramel Apple Pie Cookies, Milky Ways, Snickers, and Twix.

The other day I ate a snickers without asking and he was going to let me have a cookie, but then the cookie got taken away. I said that it would be more evil to let me have the cookie.... but NO milk!

Last night, I felt Sir's hand feeling around my back. I thought he was going to tell me to move over (we need a bigger bed, our full size is not quite enough room for us). Instead of having me move though, he was checking to make sure I had enough blankets and pulled them  down around me.

Such a sweetheart!

How Much Control Am I In? How Can I Do More in My Submission?

I was reading Submissive Sanctuary and a post there got me to thinking.

How much control am I really in?

Sir and I are striving towards a power exchange, were he has the control. I think that as of right now, we probably won't get to the level of full-on Master/slave. I don't hate on those that do, more power to you [or your dom(me)], I just think it's not us. Mostly because I have some sort of knee-jerk reaction to being a slave. Though I have no problem being collared or owned, etc. It's a weird dichotomy in my head. It may change over time though, it's less of a knee-jerk reaction than it was before.

But, I wonder how much control I really have? I make an awful lot of decisions around here. Bills, utility providers, shopping, eating, etc. I can ask Sir to do something, like take out the garbage and he usually does (though I am asking and not telling, I wonder if I would be affronted if he said no).

I think about how I used to believe fully that I couldn't be submissive unless he was actively dominating me. I think that in the past, I was under the impression that if he wasn't dominating me, I was "subbing to air". And I think that if you don't have a dominant in your life, that may hold. It's hard to sub to random people, and then there's the tricky issue of consent. But if you do have a dominant, it's different. I don't fully hold to the idea that he has to be actively telling me what to do 24/7 for me to be submissive anymore. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that feeling his control over me helps, but if he isn't actively dominating me, does that make me any less his submissive?

I think not.

I think a lot of this has to do with intent.

When we moved in together, I was afraid of getting stuck doing all the work in the house. That it wouldn't be "equal"... but now... why would I want it to be equal? We've never strived for equality here. That doesn't mean I'm beneath him, just that the control is his. So when I'm paying bills, or choosing what meals we eat every day, I really need to change the perspective that I'm coming from.

I'm not taking charge of the house because I'm the boss and I'm in control. I should come from the perspective that being on top of the bills, and the cleaning, and the food and cooking and meals is a help to Sir. It makes his life easier and it is being of service to him. And if he decides that it's his "man job" to take the trash out every week, then I should just be appreciative.

Sometimes I do feel like I have Sir wrapped around my little finger. And perhaps, that may be true. I just hope that I don't use that too often to my advantage and manipulate situations. I should evaluate that.

But if he's wrapped around my finger, then I'm certainly wrapped around him too. A better description would be that he's got his hands wrapped around my hair. Dragging me wherever he wants me to be.

So, if he decides that he's not actively giving me instructions, I can still take it upon myself to serve him, and be of use.

And that's where I'm starting to get stuck. I think it would help me to make a list of ways that I can be submissive to him without him having to say "Bitch..." all the time.

Some of that is adhering to the rules, whether he's here or not, and trying my best to follow them, without worrying about what he would do if I didn't. NOT trying to test him. Right now, we don't actually have many rules, but perhaps that will change. I look forward to it if it does, just because I crave any sense of control that he could have over me.

Some of that is anticipating his wishes. A small example, is the other night for dinner, I wasn't sure if he would want to eat our meal with a spoon or a fork. So I provided both so he could be happy either way. It was better than just making the decision FOR him and hoping I was right.

So now, I'm trying to think of ways I can show my submission to him, purely on my own.

I do some things for him already. I make dinner every night when he gets home (even if it's just ramen noodles because we're broke). I make his lunch every day, too. I wear my collar anytime we're not in public. There've been a few times I could get away with it, so I wore it outside too. I also have a leather bracelet that is sort of my mini-collar that I wear unless I'm doing something that will damage it (like taking a shower, giving the lizard a bath, doing dishes, etc). It serves as my collar in public, I guess.

So I want to do more. So far, I'm thinking that maybe every day when he gets home (provided I am here before he is), I can bring him a drink at his computer desk. He tends to unwind there every evening, and I notice he's thirsty every time. So maybe my doing that would be a good thing.

The other night he came home and I really tried. I had a beverage for him, which I think confused him, actually but the intent was there. As he sat down in his chair I gave him a back massage, and I think he appreciated that service. Perhaps more massages are in order.

Another thing I could do that wouldn't be a daily occurrence is to take care of his feet. Sir has expressed wanting to care more for his feet, and I think I should make that my job to serve him that way. I already service him by grooming his private parts, and I think this should be my job too. I think of the bible and Jesus humbly washing the feet of his disciples to express his servanthood, and though I am certainly no Jesus, the intent of the act could be the same. Sir isn't overly religious, though I think he believes in a higher power. He doesn't need to read the bible though, to appreciate my washing and caring for his feet as his submissive.

Being fully dressed every day and looking my best when he comes home couldn't hurt. Once I start working, this will be less of an issue, but being home all day seems to sap the need to get dressed right out of me. I'm still in my PJ's as I write this. Sir is not like that. He is either naked and sleeping or fully dressed. He didn't even own a pair of pajamas when I met him. I actually had to buy him some for when we'd be around family and friends!

I could kneel for him every day when he comes home. He listed that as a task for me to do a couple of weeks ago, so perhaps it is something he would enjoy. I think it would keep me in the right submissive headspace to have that time to kneel and reflect before he walks in.

Maybe I could lay out his work clothes every night for him. I'm hesitant, because that gives me a bit of control on his appearance, but if it's coming from a place of helping him, it might not be so bad. Plus, they're all his clothes, so it's not like I can pick something that he'd hate. Today, he had me lay out clothes for him for an event we're going to later, so perhaps he won't mind.

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I'm looking for things I could do on a regular basis.