Sunday, April 22, 2012

Admissions and Shame

Horny.

I've never been fond of that word; I've always found it crude. I also dislike to use the word pussy. Even writing it makes my stomach flip.

This is coming from a girl that has been oft-described has having a sailor's pottymouth.

Last week, I hit thesaurus to find a better synonym for horny.

This is what was listed:

concupiscent, desiring, hard up, hot to trot, hot*, lascivious, libidinous, lustful, oversexed, passionate, randy, salacious, turned on

Out of these, I chose lustful. I also like concupiscent and libidinous. I almost like lascivious but its used too often on the SS/HG fanfic pages I read to still retain appeal. Salacious can work in certain contexts as well. Somehow, a fancier word makes the idea better in my head. A feeling we all get from time to time, but I have difficulty admitting, especially with that word.

I was thinking about these things in conjunction with an assignment given to me by Sir this week. He emailed me a twenty minute BDSM video and I had to write a response and send it back to him.

I was nervous. Nervous!

I did watch the video (twice!) and I did submit to him an MLA style response. But my initial response above all was high anxiety to watch this video. I felt like I was getting caught. That this was something that I should not be doing. No one was home so there was no chance of having to explain anything. The feeling just came from within. I still have huge problems accepting my nature, and accepting things that I want. This is something I see often enough in our blog community, and I wonder why.

Why? Why should we be ashamed of these things? I'm fearful to even take a greater look to pinpoint exactly when I have this anxiety, and when I don't. I have trouble verbalizing sensations. I have trouble sometimes deciding if I like certain things or not. I have extreme trouble saying what I want, or explaining fantasies. I either think them too depraved, or too vanilla. I really need to narrow these feelings of shame down, and understand myself better. There are things that make me nervous, but I WANT Sir to do them. I want to be pushed. He wants certain things that I feel lukewarm towards in general... but I WANT him to push me into doing them. I want to be right at the cusp of too much. I feel like I need his guidance to be a better submissive and explore more fully what we have, and what we can offer each other.

But that also puts a lot on him. Sometimes I feel like its too much to ask of a person, but more and more, I think its something I may need. More... micro-management? It's a bit difficult with the hour's drive between us, but I think it can be done. But we both have to work toward it. Sometimes I feel like I put more into the D/s side of things than he does. But verbalizing that makes me anxious. I often say that its "not normal" to like what I do. And honestly... even if that WERE true... SO WHAT? I actively choose and take pride in going outside the norm in much of my other life, so why should this be different?

I guess I just don't want to have to explain things to others that don't understand, and be judged. I'm not ready for that. So I hide, but I hate that also. I wonder if there will ever be a good middle ground.

7 comments:

  1. Lea,
    I may not know alot about D/s or BDSM in general. What I do know is that you have to talk to your Master. Tell him what you want and don't want. That is what my Kitten does for me. She tells me what she wants/feels like she needs, and I take that information and, if I feel it necessary, make the adjustments.

    Something that made my night was how you don't like the word "horny". For me, it's just something natural to say. Or when your talking to your Master, say "I want you, Master" and I think he will get the picture.

    Hope this helped a little bit.
    Kitten's Master

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitten's Master,

      I absolutely do talk to my Sir. Sometimes I'm just not sure WHAT it is I should be saying. I'm not exactly sure what I want at all times. And if he even gets the remotest hint that there's something in that brain of mine, he'll pull it right out of me, somehow!

      I can think of one particular instance where I was feeling quite libidinous, and instead of just outright telling him, I let my actions do the talking!

      Just taking further introspection helps. Thank you

      Delete
  2. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote in this post. It's hard to deal with when you feel ashamed of the things you want/need, but then realize you shouldn't feel ashamed and it's almost like a back and forth, push/pull kind of argument in your own mind. I also totally get what you mean about hiding so you're not judged. Hopefully one day it'll just be easy to comprehend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think maybe next time we're face to face, maybe Sir and I can talk about what things we can actively do to make me see/accept/feel that my desires ARE normal!

      Delete
  3. I feel the same way. We have learned over the past 4 months that I really do need micromanagement to keep my anxiety and panic attacks down. It took him a while to realize that he didn't have to be ashamed to want that for me, as well :) So far so good. Talking about it has helped a lot. I'm grateful Master has allowed me to speak to him about all my feelings, good and bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I open up more in this relationship than in previous relationships. It's just the nature of the dynamic. Sir seems to feel shame over nothing, and he actively works to get me to see myself the way he does. Baby steps, I suppose.

      Delete
  4. Lea,

    If you ever fdind that middle ground, please let me know. I'll buy the house right next door to you. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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