Sunday, April 22, 2012
Admissions and Shame
I've never been fond of that word; I've always found it crude. I also dislike to use the word pussy. Even writing it makes my stomach flip.
This is coming from a girl that has been oft-described has having a sailor's pottymouth.
Last week, I hit thesaurus to find a better synonym for horny.
This is what was listed:
concupiscent, desiring, hard up, hot to trot, hot*, lascivious, libidinous, lustful, oversexed, passionate, randy, salacious, turned on
Out of these, I chose lustful. I also like concupiscent and libidinous. I almost like lascivious but its used too often on the SS/HG fanfic pages I read to still retain appeal. Salacious can work in certain contexts as well. Somehow, a fancier word makes the idea better in my head. A feeling we all get from time to time, but I have difficulty admitting, especially with that word.
I was thinking about these things in conjunction with an assignment given to me by Sir this week. He emailed me a twenty minute BDSM video and I had to write a response and send it back to him.
I was nervous. Nervous!
I did watch the video (twice!) and I did submit to him an MLA style response. But my initial response above all was high anxiety to watch this video. I felt like I was getting caught. That this was something that I should not be doing. No one was home so there was no chance of having to explain anything. The feeling just came from within. I still have huge problems accepting my nature, and accepting things that I want. This is something I see often enough in our blog community, and I wonder why.
Why? Why should we be ashamed of these things? I'm fearful to even take a greater look to pinpoint exactly when I have this anxiety, and when I don't. I have trouble verbalizing sensations. I have trouble sometimes deciding if I like certain things or not. I have extreme trouble saying what I want, or explaining fantasies. I either think them too depraved, or too vanilla. I really need to narrow these feelings of shame down, and understand myself better. There are things that make me nervous, but I WANT Sir to do them. I want to be pushed. He wants certain things that I feel lukewarm towards in general... but I WANT him to push me into doing them. I want to be right at the cusp of too much. I feel like I need his guidance to be a better submissive and explore more fully what we have, and what we can offer each other.
But that also puts a lot on him. Sometimes I feel like its too much to ask of a person, but more and more, I think its something I may need. More... micro-management? It's a bit difficult with the hour's drive between us, but I think it can be done. But we both have to work toward it. Sometimes I feel like I put more into the D/s side of things than he does. But verbalizing that makes me anxious. I often say that its "not normal" to like what I do. And honestly... even if that WERE true... SO WHAT? I actively choose and take pride in going outside the norm in much of my other life, so why should this be different?
I guess I just don't want to have to explain things to others that don't understand, and be judged. I'm not ready for that. So I hide, but I hate that also. I wonder if there will ever be a good middle ground.