Sir Was Right

Boy was he so right...

Sir made me interview and do the demo for that job I didn't want. I thought it was a comedy of errors and a waste of time at first. I was late due to being lost, I accidentally dropped a raw egg on the floor, and I ran out of materials in the middle of the demo... but they loved it and they offered me the job! They even went so far to say that if I didn't accept, they would have to start the process all over, because I'm the only one they want.

I haven't accepted it yet; waiting to hear from one more job before I do (a longer term position).

I guess he had some sort of domly intuition about making me do the right thing for my career.

When the Right Decision Isn't the One You Want

Sometimes it is really hard to have him make the right choices for me. I am job searching again. It feels like I am always going on an interview. I applied for a job that I didn't really want, worried that I would have no income. They called me in, and because I don't actually want this job, I did fabulous on the interview and they called me back for a demo. I really do not want to do this. It's a subject I'm unfamiliar with. It's a three month position. There are no benefits. But... if I end up having NO job, this is certainly better.

I was 99 percent sure that I was going to call them with a tactful lie and get out of this entire situation, but Sir was clear that it is in my best interest to do this. So here I am, as I finish prepping with his permission to be up late. I will rent a car tomorrow morning (mine is in the shop). I will go to work. I will leave work, do this demo, and come back. It will be a pain. I don't want to.

But he is so right, in that it's what I should do. *grumble grumble*

And so I shall.

A Different Kind of Squirting

Several weeks ago we were talking about my dress code. It was decided that I may wear dresses, or skirts. But not skirts with shorts underneath them – skorts.

All or nothing.

At the end of the night, we summarized what we talked about.

He said:

“And remember, all or nothing. Skirts or dresses. No squirts. It’s all or nothing.”

I couldn’t even pretend to keep a straight face.

I love this man, especially when he has these brilliant Y chromosome moments.

Needing Aftercare

I’ve spent a lot of time on the Internet reading various forums and articles about BDSM activities and such. I’ve come across many on Aftercare. Sir is never remiss in providing aftercare and establishing a safe and warm fuzzy connection after we engage in scenes that are emotionally or physically draining.

For the first time however, I felt like I needed it.

This weekend, Sir left our play bag at his house (thinking my roommate would be home). She wasn’t, so he got creative. Finding a leather belt that I never wear, it has now become his favorite whip (it is a VERY skinny belt). I’d never been truly whipped before. I’d been struck with various implements, and with his hand, and with ropes, but not something that stings like this. While I enjoyed it, and we’re learning my ability to take this type of strain, eventually I did feel…pushed. I WANT to be pushed, explore more things, find out more about myself, and be able to serve Sir in more ways, but this time it was almost nearly too much for me. After the whipping, he continued doing other things which I also enjoy but…

I just wanted to cuddle. I felt like it was a NEED. If I didn’t cuddle, I would cry. I would become unstable, and I could feel this need growing in my chest to the point where it was becoming a physical ache. I was getting anxious.

Once he got me into his arms, I just felt… calmer. He stroked my hair and peppered little kisses on my forehead. I hooked myself into him as much as I could. I recall saying in the past that if I could, I would just crawl right into his chest – that’s how close I felt like I needed to be to him.

This whole experience got me thinking about other forms of aftercare. Yes, cuddling and being cute and close like that is probably my preferred method, but there’s got to be loads of other things, right?

So I got to thinking, researching, and recalling our previous experiences.

Sometimes it’s immediate physical concerns – you’re swelling, bruising, etc. You’re dehydrated/hungry – especially for us hypoglycemics and others with blood sugar issues. You’re cold (I’m always cold -cuddle under the blankets!) Replenishing energy and basic first aid type of stuff (which I’m certified in, should inquire as to his formal training, haha). Or checking areas where you were constricted with rope.

Sometimes it’s talking – how did you feel about that experience? We do this often, especially if something doesn’t go according to plan. Sometimes it takes a day or two – you need time to process and think about what happened. Sometimes it’s thanking Sir – I don’t see evidence of him being quite as vulnerable as I’ve found myself to be, but it’s good to let him know that his attentions are appreciated. If something hasn’t gone to plan, especially if I react badly, he gets VERY upset with himself, and he needs just as much reassurance as I do! Sometimes its not even in his control – I remember a time when I was chained naked in the basement and people came home early; I FREAKED out on him!

Sometimes its re-establishing a close emotional connection. Cuddling and spending time together helps. Other things I was thinking of besides just cuddling that could work:

·Showering/bathing together (a favorite of mine; I love washing Sir)
·Massages
·Watching a fun movie together (I can see it getting too intense with a serious film)
·Fixing each other’s hair. It’s a great way to feel cared for, and besides Sir, who doesn’t like getting their hair touched?
·Preparing a meal together
·Emails and or text messages after leaving
·Writing – journaling here definitely helps for me!

What other things can you think of? There has to be more!

Yes, a 50 Shades Post

… but I haven’t read the book. This isn’t going to be about the content of the book, but more about what other people are saying about it.

At my job, some of the ladies there have a little book club. Last month, they read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (they finished it up just as I was hired). This month, it’s 50 Shades of Grey.

Nearly every day in the lunchroom, they’re talking about this book. It’s not so much that they’re discussing it – its more what they’re saying:

“What a psychopath!”
"It's so abnormal!"
“But everything in this book is so weird – you HAVE to be some kinda weirdo to be into this.”
“There’s a reason he’s like this right? We’re gonna find out what made him such a freak?”

And so on, and so on.

It’s really starting to grate on my nerves. I know that it is probably best for me to say nothing, and as such I’ve sat there biting my tongue.

Then they keep asking me to join their book club. When trying to politely refuse, solely because of their reaction to this book, I mentioned something vague about the fact that I’d probably identify more with the book and it’s odd that everyone around is proclaiming it as weird and being judgmental.

A response: “Ugh! But it IS weird!!”

Oh, it’s weird… They must be psychopathic freaks to enjoy this? Well, you can keep judging…

…but you can’t stop reading it either, right? What does that say?

I've thought about taking lunch in my room until they're done with this, but I don't fancy being cooped up in the same space ALL day long; I need a change of scenery now and again. And there is a positive to their talk.

In a way, I should probably thank these ladies. Having them unknowingly tear to pieces activities that are close to my heart and lifestyle has made me rise up to defend it inside. It has made me more accepting of myself and of other people. I have had problems accepting my desires, but having them bash these sorts of activities made me realize how normal they can be, and how good. I'm happier now than in any previous relationship, and I have TTWD to thank. As long as it makes you happy, and is done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, then who should really care?

I’m a step closer to self-acceptance, and in a roundabout way, its due to them! So I’ll thank them, but silently. Open discussion of such things would probably hurt my career and make my worklife difficult.