7/10/15

I'm not quite sure what I should say here, but saying something has been on my mind for a while.

I know I've sort of disappeared here. I am still here. I am still ticking. But I'm not really okay.

I went back and re-read my last post. Where I went to my uncle's wake. That day changed my life.

The night of my uncle's wake, my father passed away.

He wasn't sick. He wasn't old (still in his 50's!), and it was a complete side-blinding shock.

We couldn't even find him for an entire day. After my uncle's wake, he wanted to drive home and after a phone call on the road for directions, we never heard from him again.

24 hours later, after calling hospitals, jails, state troopers, we get a call back. He was gone. He didn't suffer. He simply pulled over into a gas station and passed away... peacefully.

I know that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I guess it just doesn't make me feel worse. I was so afraid. Afraid he had gotten murdered, or had a car accident. At least he just closed his eyes and went. It pains me that he was alone. I worry that he was scared.

We don't even know what actually happened. We finally have the autopsy results (after them getting LOST for a month) and it says "natural causes". They couldn't find anything concrete, though it did say he had cardiovascular issues. My family thinks he probably had a clot. He was complaining that his calf was swollen and painful.

I miss him terribly, and it is all I can do sometimes to get through each day. My relationship with Sir has pretty much deteriorated. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, and we're okay together... but things are just.... different. Not even by choice... I just cant seem to get it together. There is no D/s to speak of.

At first, Sir used his Dominance to keep me from completely shutting down. Telling me to eat, shower, get up, go to work. Stopping me from spending every minute doing things for other people.  But now, I just can't seem to handle it. Not just that, but anything. Our house is a trainwreck. I can't manage cleaning, laundry, shopping for food, making lunches, etc. I don't serve Sir, at all. All the little things we've set up have gone out the window. He fends for himself and spends much of his time now helping me.

I'm not quite sure how to put our lives back. I don't think I can move on. But I can move forward. Sir and I had a conversation a month or so ago. Both he and I thought I was in a place where we could try to move forward. So I tried. And failed.  Miserably.

I think that even without the rest of our lives, coping with this one thing is enough. But it's not just that. Its a 1.5 hour commute each way to work, and adjusting to that new schedule. It's having 2-3 hours a day to deal with my entire life. It's my family being completely dysfunctional and dependent on me at a time where people should be helping me, not the other way around. I can't even begin to get into their bullshit. It's having cars break down and paying over $2500 in the span of 3 weeks. It's having a break-in and getting our things stolen. It's my dad's cat that we took in who claws, vomits, shits, and pees all over the apartment despite taking him to the vet, trying recommended diets, a new bigger litter box, scratchers, toys etc. I am sick of cleaning up cat bodily functions every day.

I just feel like it never ends. I cannot catch a break. I know realistically that I should count my blessings, but some days it is really hard. I have a winter lay-off coming up in a few weeks and Sir and I have decided that if unemployment comes through, I should just take it and the break and try to piece myself back together. I originally was going to work at a different job, but maybe this will be a sort of blessing. How else could I get this kind of time?

I am just... broken. It's been three and a half months. It seems like nothing, and an enormous amount of time all at once. I don't know what I should do to get Sir's and my life back on track. I do know that this right here isn't working.

If I can hold out and get through the next couple of weeks, maybe I'll have the time to figure it out.

At least I do know one thing: through this all, Sir has been amazing. If I didn't want to marry him before (I did), I certainly do now. And he deserves someone who is more with it than I am right now.

So I need to work hard to become that person once more. I hope I can make some progress this winter.

My dad wouldn't want me wallowing in misery; he would be so angry at me right now, letting my life fall to pieces. So for him, and for Sir, I have some work to do, and hopefully the time to do it in a few weeks.

Daily Beatings and The Whiteboard

This week is going okay. It's my last week "off" before I start my new job on Monday. I have/had to go in to my current job a couple of days this  week for a few hours, but I've pretty much been home.

Being home has given me time to really reflect on my submission and to keep Sir more in mind. This past weekend, Sir decided to start spanking me or hitting me with his belt in the morning, and before we go to sleep. I've never been big into maintenance beatings, but it is definitely having an effect on my attitude and behavior. I feel like it is also bringing us closer; it's a very intimate thing, you know? I'm not sure if its the act itself or perhaps the novelty of it. Time will tell.

Sir and I have also been rearranging our back office. Sir moved his computer area away from the front window. I love this because I can now get to the window, where I couldn't before. Sir has a huge television computer monitor on his desk that I couldn't get around. Now we can access the window and get some air flowing in here. Once he moved his desk though, he found that my sweet little lizard's tank lights were shining directly onto his screen. So, I had to find somewhere else to put her. Before you know it, we're rearranging the entire back room. The new layout is different in use of space, but provides a little reading nook bordered on three sides by bookshelves. I'm hoping to get some pillows and blankets and curl up there reading soon. Apparently I like to be in contained spaces. ;)

Please excuse the state of the bookshelves; I'm still rearranging everything.

 But if I wait for everything to be perfect, I'd never take a single photo!

While we were rearranging, I also put up a corkboard/whiteboard for Sir. He's mentioned recently that he wanted to get me a whiteboard so he can put instructions, etc. on it. I found two when we were cleaning. He chose the one with the corkboard so he could pin things to it for me. I put it up near my computer, and then had to go about "making it pretty". I added some fabric and ribbon we had lying around to frame the cork board, and put a quote on the whiteboard so it is not so empty until Sir decides to add his touches. Sir said that I may regret that one day - putting so much effort into a board that I may become annoyed with in the future!

 Sir says that a new rule coming will be to check this board 

every day, whether there is something new or not.

I'm off to work in a few minutes. My uncle passed away this week, and I was able to get off tomorrow for the services, but I still have to go in tonight. We weren't particularly close, but it's still sad - he was only 50 and has 3 daughters at home. So I'll have a couple of days with my family. I know it will be great to see them despite the circumstances. I just hope everything stays classy and no one decides to get super redneck like last time.

July 4th Weekend Pt 3

Sunday was a good day. A nice way to finish up the 3 day weekend. Saturday night, Sir and I stayed up late for no reason, really. He made sure to call me to bed and belt me before we slept.

In the morning, friends of mine were in the area and wanted to meet up for breakfast. They mentioned it the night before, but when they sent me a text message that they were on their way, Sir and I were still in bed! That got us hopping up really quick. He skipped the morning beating that I suppose in just a few day's time I've come to anticipate, and we got ready to walk down to the restaurant where we were meeting them for breakfast.

I was initially going to wear another little heel for the short (15 minute) there and back walk, but Sir stopped me and instructed me to wear my sneakers. I was confused, because I thought the short walk would be a good length to practice a bit. Plus the shoes I had on were less of a heel than the ones the day before. I of course put the sneakers on, but Sir also said that he needs to re-explain his wishes in regards to my learning to wear heels. He is going to research some photos so I can understand his meaning.

Part of me is a little relieved. Wearing heels is difficult. But I think that, like many things, with time I could do it. On the other hand, wearing them does make me feel more feminine and attractive, somehow. So I am interested to learn what his actual goals for me are in regards to this. 

I think either way, if he is okay with it, I am going to try and branch out in terms of my footwear and take some of treasure's suggestions. I have at least 15 pairs of flip flops, a couple pairs of sneakers, some sporty hiking boots/sandals. But as far as real shoes go... I don't have many. I wear the same stuff all the time. It actually causes some issue for me when I need to dress up for work, since I sometimes don't have the proper footwear in the right colors. It's weird to be wearing a dress with sneakers (at least at work) or a blue skirt and shirt with some random brown flats.

Sir preferred the sneaker.

We had a really nice breakfast with my friends. We went to a local creperie, and the food was so, so good. It's funny. These friends of mine are actually the only ones, family included, who have ever visited us out here. This is in fact their second visit. I find it interesting because though I would call them pretty good friends, they're not my closest friends. So I find it interesting that they've been out here twice, but my own parents haven't even swung by here at all. 

After breakfast, we grabbed their dog and all walked back to our place. After they left, I'm wondering if they might have an inkling about the true nature of my relationship with Sir. I'm not actually worried about this, it's just an idle thought. We were talking about the architecture of the local houses as we walked, and my friend mentioned the one access to the backyard looking like the tunnel to a dungeon. She joked that it must be the entrance you take if you're bad. I joked and said..."or if you're really good". She gave me a look and exclaimed "Oh... what are you into?". I brushed it off and we kept walking.

Once we got to our apartment though, I noticed that my rules were just sitting out on the dining table. We actually weren't expecting them to come back to our place, so I made no effort to tidy up or do a kink-sweep. I moved my rules quickly under some other papers, but I do wonder if they were seen.

After they left, Sir let me service his feet! I was very excited. This is something that I have wanted to do for him for some time.

I made a nice mixture of peppermint, Epsom salts, bubbles for him to soak. Then I got on my knees and got to work, scrubbing, exfoliating, trimming, filing, etc. Finally I dried his feet and massaged them with lotion, kissing his little toes as a finishing touch.. Sir has said in the past that he wants to really start taking care of his feet, so this was something I really wanted to start doing for him. He wasn't sure how to feel about it at first, but said that we could try it at least once, and then he could veto some or all of it in the future. At the end, he did say it wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be . I'm not sure what he expected!

Looking up at Sir.

In the afternoon, I cleaned the apartment, did Sir's laundry, and gardened a bit. I also went to evening mass. I've been trying to find a church to go to regularly now that we're out here. Last week I tried a new place, and it was really uncomfortable. The priest just went OFF during the homily about the Supreme Court ruling and I was just thinking... I don't want to go to a place that preaches intolerance at such an in your face level. This week I went to a church I went to months before. I was ambivalent then, but I had a really good experience this week! I think I'll be back next week. There is something that makes me feel peaceful when I attend mass. Perhaps "doing right by God", enjoying the service, and quiet contemplation on the walk there and back. I hope to keep doing it.

When I got home, I made dinner and Sir and I ate in our yard again. This time with better weather! Sir rearranged half of the office, I folded his laundry, and now we're about to head to bed. But not without a belting. Sir pulled me aside to belt my ass, letting me know how proud he was of me this weekend, and how he could really see that I was working hard to please him.

I never really understood the point of "maintenance spanking/beatings" but based on the past few days... perhaps there is merit in it. It has certainly kept my attitude where it needs to be. I hope it keeps working for us!

July 4th Weekend Pt 2

Saturday was another good day. When I awoke, Sir pulled me into the other room and over his knee, delivering some good morning smacks to my ass. I attempted to count, but I was wrong. I made us a low key breakfast of cereal, and we watched some anime.

Sir had said he'd been feeling "off" all morning, so he wanted to take a nap. And he wanted cuddles. So I got into bed with him.  Sleep didn't come for me though, so after about a half hour, I got distracted, and then I got Sir distracted. I'm the sort of person that prefers to sleep in, and then not nap all day (though I do love me a nap now and again). Sir seems to prefer to rise early, even on his days off, and then take a nap in the middle of the day.

I think Sir appreciated my efforts. The day before, I told him that I had been thinking about sucking him, which is novel for me. It's not that I absolutely hate giving BJ's, it's just rare that I'm thinking about them in a sort of fantasy daydream type way, which I was. Slowly, I woke Sir up from his nap, through stroking him with my hands, then taking him in my mouth, and finally sheathing him within me. He woke up fully for that.

"Condom?" He sleepily uttered.

"Nope, I was just going to go get one."

"Good".

I rode Sir as best as I could. Sir has a real problem finishing with a condom (almost done with this medicine, then back on the pill - thank God!). I finished, then he flipped me over and fucked me some more. When he had his fill, I gave him my hands, and he got off by hurting me with clothespins while I stroked him. I think it is the sounds I make that do it for him. His climax coincided with him abruptly taking the pins off and my shrieks I think spurred him on.

I think we are both very much looking forward to being done with this medicine, and with condoms, Just a little bit more. I pick up my last bottle of medicine next week!

After a nice shower, we got dressed to take a walk. I was wearing some flip flops, but as it was a short walk, I grabbed a pair of heels. The only way I am going to get better walking in them is to do it. And I have to admit, wearing them is just more attractive. Though I was definitely happy to get them off at the end of the walk.

There definitely is a difference.

Sir and I saw a rainbow sculpture in a local park. Considering recent events, we thought photos here would be fitting. I think our poses pretty much sum up our personalities. Sir is steadfast and I am all over the place. I guess that's why he has to keep me in line.

A photo in the shoes. 

Man, you can see how long my hair is getting here!

After our walk, Sir took an actual nap, and I prepared some dinner. We actually ate in our yard for the first time!

We don't have a proper grill, but the George Foreman does the trick!

 A view from the kitchen window - I was setting the table. 

I am also very excited about the ONE flower that is in bloom on the right!

 Sir takes his seat, ready to eat!

Yay! Our first meal at our apartment al fresco!

Happy Independence Day to all the Americans reading! ^_^

July 4th Weekend Pt 1

It's been a good weekend. Sir had off on Friday, which was great - more time with him. Friday  morning, I was going to get up, but Sir told me to lay back down and sleep. Eventually, I did get up. I grabbed my blanket and my bear, and came to sit at his feet in the other room, all swaddled up. He thought it was cute. He only had me sit a bit before he had be get up so he could "set the mood".

He had me go back to our bedroom, place my hands on the door, and he proceeded to belt me. I wasn't fully awake yet. When he asked, "How many"? I thought to myself, "Fuck?"

Not "FUCCCCK"! But a sort of bubbly ...fuck? Like: oh, perhaps I should have been counting those... maybe? My brain was still foggy and my eyes weren't fully open for much of it. Sir was lenient, probably because he realized I wasn't trying to be defiant.

And I wasn't sure what he meant by "set the mood". I thought he meant for a scene that he was going to do right then.  Turns out, he meant for the day. And it worked.

All day - all weekend really, I've been in a more submissive headspace. I've thought of Sir first, and of serving him. I've asked his permission for things more - eating certain things, wearing certain things, showering, etc.. I've thought of things to please him.

After my belting, Sir told me to get up, get dressed, and to make him breakfast. He graciously allowed me to shower before dressing. When I came out of the bathroom because I forgot a towel, he asked me to get him a glass of orange juice after my shower. I asked him if he'd prefer it now, (which he did) and delayed my shower to get him his juice. I think this is where my head should be.

After my shower, I asked him what he'd prefer for breakfast, then made it for him. After breakfast, he wanted to take a nap. While he was napping, he instructed me to: "Pick a room (not the bedroom), and clean it - you have one hour". I chose the living room. But I sort of got distracted and also cleaned the bathroom and started on the kitchen as well. I had a few finishing touches on the living room when Sir came out of the bedroom from his nap. He made a huge show of inspecting the living room (which made me nervous, but I loved). Walking around, making remarks, lifting his finger for dust. I wasn't actually done with the room so I sprang to re-dust the shelves and wipe down a few key areas, and he told me to get him when I was done. He tsked at me when he found dust, and I went about cleaning everything else I could think of. When I couldn't think of anything else to clean, I went and got him. He came back, and said I did a good job. He then took his fingers and starting searching for dust above the doorways! What an evil Dirty Old Man! I started to get pouty and sulky, sure that it would be my demise and absolutely thinking "That's not fair!" in my head. Lucky for me, he found... nothing. No dust up there. What a lucky bitch I am.

We went out for a date night to see Tomorrowland.  He gave me the task of "getting us there on time". I really do love the discount movie theatre by us. It makes actually going out doable for us. When we got home, we were pretty tired, so we went right to bed.

Almost.

Before bed, Sir had me place my hands on the bedroom door while he beat me with some rope. I did remember to count this time, but I was wrong with the count. I think that if I am standing, and Sir is striking me on my back, my brain does not translsate that to "start counting". But if I am horizontal, or he is only striking my ass, my brain immediately starts counting. This is something I need to fix. And God, some of those blows HURT! Some of them were funny, as people were setting off fireworks, and it seemed his blows were in time to them. He made a thick stack of rope to hit me with. I couldn't figure out what he was hitting me with at first. It did make me thankful to cuddle up next to Sir and sleep though.

More tomorrow. Happy 4th! Here's a shot of Sir that I took while walking around our neighborhood. Man, I wish you guys could see his face (but he has strict rules on anonymity). It's pretty comical.

Happy Independence Day from my man in black.