Melting

This weekend, Sir and I actually got to spend the entire weekend together without having to pull strings and orchestrate a getaway! I wasn't working, and we had no family obligations or social events to attend.... for what feels like the first time ever, though that's probably inaccurate.

It was so wonderful to just... veg in my house. Sir and I got to cuddle, and I continued unpacking my apartment. Lots of cuddling. Friday night Sir just couldn't wait to try out one of our new toys that he picked up at GKE.

Pretty much as soon as he arrived, I was to strip and get face down on the bed. I finally knew what he was going to do, funnily enough. Without having prior knowledge of his plan, I had unknowingly set a perfect scene for his plans by having found the box that had all the candles in it. And lighting them all before his arrival. He had me help light our brand new candle too, before getting facedown on the bed. The anticipation of knowing what was coming definitely set the butterflies in me. He could tell.

"Are you okay? You seem nervous."

" I am nervous!"

"The girl who would intentionally dip her fingers in Walmart crap candle wax just to peel it off is nervous?"

The candle we bought was designed to melt at a lower temperature, so I knew it wasn't going to be awful. . And this was different. Before, I could control when my fingers would hit the wax. When I would peel it off. Now that control was gone, and I didn't know how it would feel, or what it would be like, or when. So... it hurt.

And it was wonderful. I enjoyed the sensations. The initial fiery moment, the splat of the wax hitting the skin. And the rapid cooling, leaving your skin tight around the now solid surface.

Once Sir was done raining drops of fire on my back... it was time.

To remove it.

I don't know why it never occurred to me that of course, if you put it on, it has to come off. I suppose I never thought to the next part. Which is silly, as I'm a person who has a fixation on peeling things. Glue, old paint, wax, sunburn, scabs... It's pretty ridiculous.

So, Sir peeled it off. Bit by bit. The peeling was just as good as the hot wax. It was also a form of torment for me, as I couldn't peel it myself. Sir made sure to take good care of me after. Nice cuddles and checking my back. He could also see that I was excited to have my entire back covered. just the thought of all that peeling must have done something interesting to my face, because he chuckled at me.

One day!

He had a longer, very fabulous scene planned for me later in the weekend where the wax returned...

GKE Sunday

Geeky Kink Event - Part Deux!

After getting back to our hotel room on Sat night/Sun evening, and Sir torturing me with the gag, we had a good sleep. We got up on little sleep, having stayed up till the wee hours. Since I was so good, Sir decided he would bind my hair for me. We did it in pigtails!

We found the loveliest rope from Agreeable Agony on Saturday just for this purpose! We had some pretty skinny hemp rope, but this had even less circumference, held tighter, and had the best results. We bought 120 feet of red  MFP rope, in 2 sections. We had about 30 feet total left over, I would guess. 

It took almost 2 hours to bind my hair like this, but I really enjoyed it. It is a very striking visual. Its application is very intimate between Sir and I - and it highlights one of his loves - my long growing hair. He also enjoyed the many compliments we received on his work! Someone even remarked that they kind of look like horns, which, now that I can see the back myself - isn't too far off. It wasn't the original intent, but it does have such a resemblance. We went back to Agreeable Agony and bought another 120 feet in grey! 1/8 inch apparently does the trick!

The people at the booth were really nice, especially considering the pain in the ass quantity of rope we wanted. They also very nicely taught sir a new and improved method for coiling his rope, which is definitely better than what we'd been doing. Exchanges like that is part of the reason why doing things in person can be very beneficial.

While Sir was binding my hair, I decided to show him that I can do what he does too!  So I took the extra rope that didn't go into my hair and made these arm braces:

I used the same tie that he was doing on my hair to make them. The red goes well with my pretty dress. <3

We went to some pretty nifty workshops, and Sir let me go back into the ball pit, which is so my favorite thing. I think there is a bit of a little in me. I don't think we're quite into full on ageplay, but I do have a little side in me. And a brat side too. I think they're parts of the same coin. I'd guess my little side is maybe 6 or 7ish - old enough to be potty trained, but young enough to brat and whine and regress. And seek protection and lurve from a big strong guy. <3

Hooray Ballpit:

Sir and I in the ballpit.

Such a sexy Sir.

We bought a lot of fun things this weekend, spoke with neat people, learned new skills and information, and really opened communication on our needs.  And I think this time we've really taken physical steps to get there. Since it'll be a year till the next GKE, I'm going to start getting excited about Wicked Faire..... NOW!

Movement and GKE

I have internet again!

I recently moved, and its been quite a process. Finding a place, painting and renovations, the actual move, and now: unpacking and setting things up. I love decorating and such, so this has been fun, though tiring. Sir and I still live in separate homes, but this move overall is great for me. Bigger better space. Wonderful neighborhood. Closer to work! Less gas and no tolls!

Sir and I are still an hour apart, which isn't great, but at least we're not farther apart. We are planning on getting a place together in  a different state, in about a year or so. Realistically - probably two years. Though I'd rather it be this summer.

I've now had three work-free weekends, and I have to say; it's wonderful. The first weekend was the move. Then Sir and I went to the Geeky Kink Event (which was awesome). Then we had this past weekend together (also awesome). Perhaps we can actually spend time together if I'm not working 6 - 7 days a week!

I had such a great time at the Geeky Kink Event! Initially, I was ridiculously nervous. I nearly had a panic attack while packing. I didn't even pre-pack because somehow in my brain, not packing meant not going yet, and then I don't have to freak out if we're not going  yet. Sir was displeased, as one of our rules states that I will be ready if we're to leave for an event before he arrives. He has been much better about making me accountable, and less lenient - though he does give me a reprieve now and again if there's a really good reason.

I'm still uncomfortable with my sexuality and how I define myself. Every day, I get better and more accepting of myself, my desires, and the type of relationship that I want, but it's been a struggle. Couple that with going to a publicly Kinky event, and my heart starts to race in a bad way. I don't know if it was officially labeling myself to "the world" as something to which I'm still becoming comfortable, or the possibility of being outed, but I think my fears can rest. Firstly, no one at such an event is going to harshly judge me and my proclivities. Secondly, while I did meet someone at this event from my vanilla life, I doubt that its going to lead to bad stuff in my vanilla life. For one, they were also there, and their main link to my life is as a sibling to someone I know that would have no personal gain from screwing with me, and has been a good friend in the past.

Once we got there, I calmed down. Mostly. There was a bonfire that I crept close to for warmth. Sir stayed by me, and we socialized a bit. Saw vendors.

Saturday I got my nerd on and wore a Kaylee Frye dress that I altered a few months ago. There were so many neat workshops! And... the ball pit! Easily the most fun thing for me. The workshops were very informative, and I learned a lot. Sir and I went to a Fast Rope workshop in the evening, and by the end of it frustrations came out that forced us to talk more about our relationship. Not that we don't talk - but some of the topics weren't previously expressed in such a clear way. Though the venue and mechanism for this talk weren't ideal - in the middle of a con due to frustrations in a workshop - I don't regret it. Sir was having trouble with some of the rope mechanics. The point of the workshop was communicating intent, but since he was so focused on rope mechanics, that part was lost for us. Things escalated quickly and a recurring issue of us not spending enough time together (coming out because if we spent more time together, he'd have more practice and be better able to do stuff like this), came to a head. He was just frustrated because it brought to light how we haven't been spending enough time together. It allowed us to talk and for me to express my hurt. I gave up my weekend job and volunteer position so that we could have more time together. It was very difficult for me to do so, and I still miss the work. But he's worth it. And, having that time to reconnect takes... well time. With more available weekends, things will get better. It hasn't been long, but I think they are getting better. We also talked about my need for continuity and D/s things during the week. He finally checked his messages (that I sent back in June), to help him with ideas in this vein. I don't want to top from the bottom, but I do want to help him. No need to reinvent all the wheels if there are resources out there. It's only been a week, but I think we're finally headed in the right direction. He's reviewing and possibly revising my old rules, and I have noticed him being much more on his game, even in the past few weeks.

Sir was able to find a ball gag that actually fit into my mouth as well! It's a training gag, so there are 3 different sizes. The smallest one was small enough to get into my mouth. Perhaps with time, I could get to the middle sized gag. I don't think the large one is ever going to fit, though. Sir is so pleased with the gag. He's wanted to gag me forever, and since I have an anatomically small mouth, that's been difficult to do with most products that were on the market. He's tried some DIY stuff, but for reasons other than the gag itself, it didn't go well. Getting back to the hotel room and trying it out was an experience. I am very talkative, so it was difficult for me to not talk. It was also funny, as I still tried to talk - it was just incomprehensible. Sir says that I am more willing to let go and vocalize in a non worded manner when gagged, which he likes. What was most frustrating of all though - I couldn't kiss him! I love kissing. He made sure to kiss me all over my face and body, and especially on my lips, as it was driving me crazy. I think he's got a fun new way to torture me. There are downsides to the gag though - the straps really bite into the corners of my mouth, and I fear saliva going everywhere. Drool isn't really sexy. I have enough leverage to more or less prevent myself from drooling, but if we get to the bigger gag, that leverage will be gone.

I'll write more about Sunday of GKE later (don't want to turn this into a full-on novel), but I'll end with this:

We did get something out of the Fast Rope Workshop after all! (the presenter was excellent, the issues were our own). I was able to do this to myself behind my back! Sir is usually the one doing all the ties, but I was able to show him my capability this weekend.

Also, if you know you're going to rope bottom, know that wearing a dress will lead to inevitable bunching and fabric awkwardness.

Starting Clean

Sir is giving it a shot to get us back on track; D/s wise. I have my doubts, but I will always give us a shot.

I've been thinking about my role in keeping us on track as well. It can't be all on him. But, I do have to trust that he will not become apathetic in putting me in my place when I get out of line. And I will get out of line - whether from becoming busy, not making time, forgetting myself, being cranky... what have you. It happens to everybody.

It can be an easy thing to say to oneself that you will just listen all the time, and not forget yourself, and be on task. But it's not that easy. Yet... things that are worth doing are usually difficult; it makes it worth the doing.

Things have gotten busy. I went from working every weekend, to transitioning to a one weekend per month deal. Until that takes effect in a few weeks, I'm still working weekends, and I have to train the new person to hire me. My full time job has just... exploded in terms of tasks, responsibility and tensions. I gave up my volunteer position, too.  I'm also moving. I get the keys tomorrow, and have until Oct 31st to be out of my current place. But hopefully with all these changes I'll have more time to myself, and more importantly, more time for Sir and I to be together.

Sir tried to surprise me with passes to the Geeky Kink Event. However, due to the privacy protections they have (which is a good thing), he couldn't get me tickets without my consent. Still, it was a very nice gesture. I'm actually nervous about attending, but excited too.

Lately, our D/s side of things have been random instances when we're together. Nothing with a regular schedule. But I still relish the irregular - I'd rather have those random times to cherish than be vanilla altogether. Maybe we'll get our shit together this time. I've found that yes, I CAN be vanilla... but I don't want to be. I'm not as happy. And I find a dissonance in our relationship when we're totally vanilla. I love Sir, and I do love our vanilla sides, but I don't think we can be only that. I have a hard time in a relationship where someone can't/doesn't put me in my place. I'm happier and I have more respect for my partner when they're in control; making decisions in our best interest, having me serve him, making me do the things that are best for me, even if I don't like it. Some small part of me still does, inside.

In that vein, I have given Sir all that I've owed him up to this point, punishment wise. It was valuable to help me feel like we are wiping the slate clean. I had to help him engineer my punishment:

That's 120-grit sandpaper that we duct taped to the inside of my shirt. And then, of course I had to turn my shirt right-side-out. For over 2 hours, while we just did mundane things. And he made sure to tickle me now and again so I'd be wiggling more.

The sandpaper wasn't so bad. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't something I enjoyed. But the duct tape - that was awful. It stuck everywhere, and pulled. Ugh. We went through 2 other trials before engineering this solution to accomplish his desire. I finally had to ask him what exactly he wanted, physically, so I could assist him. At first the sandpaper was duct taped directly to my body - but that wouldn't allow for much movement. Pulling that tape off was awful - much worse than the sand paper. Then he put it inside my bra - but the same issue with lack of movement wasn't allowing for his desired effect. He got what he wanted by having the sandpaper inside my t-shirt, but the tape still stuck everywhere.

At least I feel like I've given him what he was owed. We can start fresh. He also likes it when I have a hand in my own punishments. It is my nature to speak up, even if it's to my detriment.

Today he bound me and forced me to take a nap. He's right - I don't relax enough. And there are far worse things he could have me bound for than napping in his bed, cuddled up with his scent all around me.

Usually Pantsless

Coworker: Oh my goodness, Lea... I don't think I've ever seen you wearing pants before!

I guess I am doing something right!

---

Sir and I are at a bit of a standstill. He only likes face-to-face D/s. We live an hour apart. I think some long distance things are possible. Without any structure, things have fallen apart.

I honestly don't believe things will change in the near future. Maybe... maybe if we move in together... but until then.

Nope.

But at least I keep my skirts on!