Sir says that he is thinking about modifying my current dress code a little.
As of right now, when I am not at work, or working out, I am to wear a dress or skirt. I do own some leggings to wear under the skirts in the wintertime and to exercise.
I have gotten a little lax in that there have been times I wore leggings with no skirt, when I was not exercising. But it has not been very often. I have also pretty much stopped exercising, and as it is not winter, I suppose I've been adhering to dress code more.
Sir is thinking of adding a requirement to my dress code, for indoors only.
Basically, a black leotard.
So that when I am in the house, it would be my uniform.
We looked at a few.
The one he liked best thus far was this:
As of right now, when I am not at work, or working out, I am to wear a dress or skirt. I do own some leggings to wear under the skirts in the wintertime and to exercise.
I have gotten a little lax in that there have been times I wore leggings with no skirt, when I was not exercising. But it has not been very often. I have also pretty much stopped exercising, and as it is not winter, I suppose I've been adhering to dress code more.
Sir is thinking of adding a requirement to my dress code, for indoors only.
Basically, a black leotard.
So that when I am in the house, it would be my uniform.
We looked at a few.
The one he liked best thus far was this:
We would of course need multiple items, enough to get me through a week or so between laundry.
And I don't know if it would change in the winter. Would I be expected to sleep in it? How would having my monthly cycle impact this?
I'm not yet sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it is another level of control. On the other... part of me wonders what the ultimate goal is. I wonder how compliant I would be. Especially when I am cold. If I will be bratty.
When we talked about it, he said it was a way to direct what I wear, and it would be easier.
Easier for whom, I asked? Certainly not for me. If you have worn one of these, they're not the easiest to get into or out of. They're not the most functional if you have to use the restroom. If you are menstruating, they're a downright pain in the ass. And what about underwear? Do I not wear them now?
But while those are valid things to consider, they're not really the point. Whether it is easier for me or not is irrelevant. If Sir decides it, this is what will be.
And I don't know if it would change in the winter. Would I be expected to sleep in it? How would having my monthly cycle impact this?
I'm not yet sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it is another level of control. On the other... part of me wonders what the ultimate goal is. I wonder how compliant I would be. Especially when I am cold. If I will be bratty.
When we talked about it, he said it was a way to direct what I wear, and it would be easier.
Easier for whom, I asked? Certainly not for me. If you have worn one of these, they're not the easiest to get into or out of. They're not the most functional if you have to use the restroom. If you are menstruating, they're a downright pain in the ass. And what about underwear? Do I not wear them now?
But while those are valid things to consider, they're not really the point. Whether it is easier for me or not is irrelevant. If Sir decides it, this is what will be.
While your last line is a submissive ideal, it is important to acknowledge the reality of doing something one hates and sees no point in "just because". On one hand it can be a power trip to indulge something like this, but I firmly believe that over time there is a real danger of building resentment.
ReplyDeleteI get how advocates of D/s dynamics try to maintain some textbook way these things should go, but I have been doing stuff like this for 40 years. Some shit just wears thin after a while. I fully believe that rules should be somewhat mutual if they have significant impact and only Top-whims on things with less impact.
Besides, how much 'control' does a Top need in order to feel "in charge"? Most people are somewhat egalitarian and submitting the way we subs do is already a pretty big concession. So if you have that power and authority in most things, why push something arbitrary with a high risk of eventual resentment? Or in other words why ruin a good thing over something silly?
Maybe a joint conversation on a dress code where all options are weighed and he has final say over the options you are both OK with would be a better way to do this? He still makes the call, but you can raise the issues you know are only going to lead to trouble down the road. Let's face it, most guys are just thinking of what they'll see when they walk in the door, not the practicality of hygiene, comfort while working, and things like bathroom issues or periods. A reality check up front might prevent disappointment later on.
Just my opinion. Good luck on this.
I love this comment so much, @kdpierre.
DeleteHi Lea, I do agree with Kdpierre that it needs to be something you are both comfortable and on board with and that perhaps more discussion is needed. I think it has the potential to go sideways otherwise. I agree too that whatever dress code is decided on needs to be practical.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Well I disrespectfully disagree with the 'meat' of both comments-depending on the type of dynamic and power exchange you have. If you have an exchange where you don't get to choose if you are comfortable or not, then ideally you don't get to build resentment.
ReplyDeleteIf you do have a say in your dynamic, or if you feel you do, then my suggestion would be do it and if this 'resentment' shows up, ask Sir to discuss it. I used to be required to wear skirts etc, years ago. I did do it for a couple of years, then I talked to B about why excactly this was something he required of me. But within my question I added, if it was for control and control alone, that was 'fine' ( yes so submissive of me) but that was merely a visual for him as it had basically become rote to me- and what was I to do with all these other clothes ( primarialy shirts) I had. His answer was a bit of that and that he believed it helped my submissive mindset. I had to sadly inform him ( due to the rote thing) that it didn't. If that was his goal then he'd probably have more luck telling me to wear one, or get changed or whatever. Basically that is what this rule morphed into, but NOT until I tried it his way first.
I have seen a lot of submissives knock the wind out of a building Dom's sails because before the Dom even got started they stated 'that wouldn't work for me'. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe that's not the point. OR maybe it would. Good for you for believing you are going to try.
willie
Hi, Willy. I definitely know you from around the DD "village" LOL. I kind of get what you're saying, but this part: "then ideally you don't get to build resentment." struck me oddly. Resentment is not a logical decision based on an agreement. It's a nasty, insidious little emotion that sneaks in incrementally and then builds over time. No one wants it, or plans for for it, or makes some decision to feel that way. That is why I warned against it. It's a destructive emotion for a D/s or DD relationships. (Actually it's pretty destructive in any relationship. ;-) )
DeleteI do think there could be some wisdom in "trying it first" but I also think agreeing upfront on what the rules should be might be less discouraging to a Top's confidence when it comes time to obeying and enforcing them, than what may happen later if nothing is said at the start.
In your own example, you had your own reasons for questioning B's dress code. It might not be the same as Lea's concerns, but it still shows the wisdom is getting things out in the open. In Lea's example though, there seems to be very practical reasons to question the code....that
her Sir may very likely not have considered and may well want to hear about now...BEFORE there is an issue.
I concede that the balance between encouraging confidence and being realistic is tricky as hell. I have been doing this stuff for decades and I still have issues with that. But I have been on the wrong side of 'resentment' and that is far more damaging to a relationship than a (hopefully) minor or temporary qualification on a Top's authority.
Still it's all Lea's call as she obviously knows her Sir and herself better than any of us do.
So, I am definitely not knocking you. Your advice is sincere with truth embedded within it. It's just a complicated dance.
Well KD I'm sorry you have been on the wrong side of resentment when it comes to your submission- and yes I remember you from D and L and have read your blog in the past. I on the other hand have not been resentful of my DOM because he told me to do what he expected. I would gather it has to do with the level of power exchange within the individual's dynamics. I agreed long ago to follow what he wanted, no exceptions. Does that mean I don't bring up serious concerns? NO. But I don't feel I have the right to build resentment for getting what I asked for initially, even if it isn't how I pictured it. That is the nature of our exchange. Lea will of course have her own, but I gather from her last paragraph, her mindset isn't vastly different from mine.
DeleteYou are correct in the fact that Lea knows her Sir better than anyone, and I trust she will decide what is best for her dynamic or herself, or her Sir or all of them.(In the post I read she was more curious about how she would react and go about her day then ' the reality of doing something one hates ')
I will end with 'going with the flow' UNTIL there is a hiccup seems to be a far cry from the road to resentment. At the very least there would probably be several steps for most people before resentment builds. But that's just my viewpoint, a married submissive who hasn't been around for DECADES, but has been around for almost one- not that I believe it matters.
( and it's willie)
Thank you all for your input. I am following this up with its own post, because I feel it is a novel in itself.
DeleteBut a couple things.
1 - I do believe my mindset on this is similar to willie's, and because of the nature of my relationship with Sir, how we're handling this makes sense. If your relationship construct is different, your mileage will vary.
2 - I have already discussed these points with my Sir. I don't have to worry about when I am going to say something before resentment *might* build. I already have. Sir hadn't made a decision yet; this post was about a discussion we were having about it.
Please help,
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I'd wear that!
ReplyDelete