A Choker

When I was out shopping recently (a necessity for a wedding), it seemed that every store had chokers for sale. On somewhat of a whim, I bought one. I wore it out for Sir's birthday dinner. It is velvet with a round sparkly charm threaded through it.

Since I wore a purple velvet top and a black velvet skirt to dinner, it matched quite nicely.

I also wore it out to a munch this weekend (the first we've attended in about a year).

I found this to be an act of service for a few reasons. One, I don't really like wearing chokers. Similar to how I don't like wearing turtlenecks - constricting on my throat. Secondly, it is something I can wear in public for Sir. We don't have a day collar, and I don't wear a collar around my neck in public. I do have my wristcollar, though.

Sir's response: "Eh, it's okay".

I thought he wasn't in love with it because he likes BIG neck collars. While that may be true, his main reason was different.

"I didn't put it there."

Whoa. He's given me much to think about. Perhaps I was being too presumptuous. My intentions I think were good, but he raised an excellent point. I suppose for now, it will go away unless he deems otherwise.

Thankful

Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in everything that is wrong that  you forget to take a moment to have true gratitude for the positive things in your life. There is always something to be thankful for.

What are you thankful for? I'd love to know.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

• Sir. Sir has been absolutely fantastic. He's my rock, my hero, and my love. He works damn hard to make me happy, sacrifices much and I hope he knows that I feel the same about him.

• Family. I am blessed to have a big, obnoxious, dysfunctional, loving family. They are in-your-face about everything, including their love and support. It certainly makes for interesting get-togethers.

• Friends. Though my friends are far away, we always make time for each other. We manage to meet up a few times every year despite being over 500 miles apart. I am starting to meet people in this area and while I would not call them friends yet, I can perhaps see it happening, eventually.

• Pets. The amount of love and joy given my my little furball and scaley-one is something I am thankful for. The kitty is a cuddler and loves to give affection. I enjoy curling up with him, or having him chase toys around the house. He is a good consoler. The lizard is super cute and has quite a personality of her own. She tolerates baths, but loves a good cuddle (especially next to a warm body).

• I am thankful for my health. Yes, I have problems. But I can get around on my own two feet, be independent and enjoy physical activities. Not everyone can.

• I am thankful for our home and life. It is little and there are many like it, but this one is ours. We have a roof over our head where Sir and I can cuddle on our loveseat, play video games, read books and just be ourselves. We have food in our fridge, and heat for this winter. We have working vehicles to get us around, so we can do things, and visit friends and family. Sir and I both have decent jobs that affords us the ability to do all these things.

• I am thankful for D/s and the community. D/s has brought so much to my life. It brought me and Sir together, and has enhanced our relationship. This blogging community has helped me "meet" some really cool people and have given me a lot to think about in terms of my own submission. Sir and I have started meeting others in our local scene, going to classes and munches, and that's been good for us.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Anxiety... I hope

I've been feeling very odd for the past few days. Anxious. Heart racing. Palpitations. Random pains in my limbs. Pain in my chest (but not my heart). Tingles and numbness. Lightheadedness and dizziness. Not all day, but episodes throughout the day.

I've had panic attacks before; they started when I was 17. I'd have them off and on throughout my adult life. After my dad passed, they got pretty terrible. But they've waned a bit since then.

These aren't what I'd call "full blown" panic attacks. They're sort of like the feelings you get right before you have a full on panic session. But this has been going on for four days now, off and on.

Today, I was volunteering and I got very shaky and lightheaded. I ate my lunch early and that seemed to have helped. I am hypoglycemic, so I am often watching my food intake to make sure my blood sugar doesn't get too low. However, I had eaten my breakfast just about 2.5 hours before that episode. To get so shaky like that after having eating relatively recently is very abnormal for me. It happened again when I got home, about 2.5  hours after I had my late lunch.

I am hoping that I am having some kind of weird anxiety. But part of me is worried that it is something else. What exactly, I am not sure. My sugar issues switching on me, and being diabetic? Thyroid issues? Heart issues (what concerns me the most)? Something else I haven't/don't want to really think about yet?

I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks. I am hoping I can hold out until then. Obviously if the symptoms get worse or extreme, I'd go to the ER or Urgent Care, but right now that seems like overkill. But I'm scared, and it all ties in to my panic issues.

And I know it is scaring Sir. Yesterday, he was going to go gaming, but he chose to stay home so I didn't have to be alone. I felt awful. I don't want him to miss out on things because I can't get my feelings under control. On the other hand, I absolutely feel more secure knowing he is there. He seriously is my knight in shining armor, and knowing that he was willing to do that just for me... well I just want to jump all over him and hug him.

Hopefully this will pass, at least until my doctor's appointment.

Birthdays and Loving Our Lurkers

Two celebrations this week.

Sir's Birthday, and Love Our Lurkers!

Sir and I had just a little celebration for his birthday after he got home from work. I sent him off with a good breakfast and a gift (new Kindle!) in the morning.

When he got back from work, we went out for sushi! There was also this really nifty flower made out of carrots.
When we got home, we had cake (Sir's favorite is ice-cream cake)

Happy Birthday, Sir!

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I also want to take a minute to say "Thank you" to everyone who stops by my blog. It definitely helps me to feel less lonely in this kink world. Today is Love Our Lurkers - a day to appreciate those who read, even if we're not always aware of who they are. Thank you!

Thank you, readers!

Are You Ready?

Sir and I communicate via Fetlife a lot. I'll send him articles or blog posts. Sometimes a kinky event link. He'll send me pictures and questions. It is actually a great way for us to keep in kinky touch when we're not always home at the same times. When one of us has a thought and the other is not around, sending it via Fetlife puts it on the table for later (especially because we both have a bit of forgetfulness in us).

Sir sent me a pretty heady question during one of these conversations recently:

 If I were to step up and do the things that go through my mind, would you be able to handle it? Because some of the things that go through my mind are really, really messed up. I don't mean snuff, but it's definitely stuff that would get talked about on the evening news using words like "kidnapping" and "human rights violations".

Part of me got really, really excited about this. About the seeming intensity of what he is alluding to. But another part of me is realistic.

I am NOT ready.

For one, I don't even know that those things in his mind truly are, so how could I know if I was actually ready for them?

For another, we've been very very slowly getting our D/s back on track. We're still trying to piece that back together for us. I feel like we have to learn to crawl again before we can walk. Let alone run!

So, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. I think perhaps with time, yes. But if Sir has a clear idea in his head, I suppose it is up to him to lead me where he wants me to be, especially if he wants to keep me more or less in the dark about his goals.

I think I'm ready for more. But not everything at once.

Hopefully he'll get us there!

Sir is my Hero

Sir is absolutely my hero.

When he is around, I can relax. I know that somehow, he will take care of me. Somehow, it will be alright.

Lately, I have been having a fear of our clothes dryer. More specifically, of it catching fire and burning the house down, killing us and the pets.

We had the landlord come look at it. She even brought a dryer tech who agreed that I did indeed smell burning (lint) but it was normal. The vents were clear, too.

Well, today I went to throw an extra shirt in there and I saw the heating element glowing bright orange. This is apparently normal. But I couldn't stop panicking and I couldn't bring myself to turn that thing back on.

Until Sir got home. Once he got home, I was able to relax. He was here, so somehow it would be okay.

He's my security blanket, I guess.

Not Feeling Attractive

I am a compulsive picker.

Whenever I have a cut or a scab, I just scratch and pick at it. I know that it is gross to a lot of people. It's like I just can't always help it though. So when I am alone in my car, or watching TV at home I find myself picking. Sometimes I even catch myself picking at work or while shopping in public places, though I try to refrain.

Recently my face has exploded with acne. I used to have terrible acne when I was younger, but it has mostly calmed down. Not that past few weeks, however. I've been picking at those spots too. Sir finally told me that I needed to stop picking at them because it is unattractive. As in, he doesn't like looking at my face like this.

Intellectually, I understand. Who wants to look at a face with spots and scabs on it? But, it still hurts, even though I know that wasn't his intent. So I cut all my fingernails as short as I could, and I've been putting neosporin on my facial scabs to try and heal them faster. And I'm trying not to pick. But it's been very difficult, and Sir has pulled my hands away from my face numerous times.

I also chipped my front tooth at work a few days ago. I finally have a dentist appointment in a couple of hours, thankfully, but between my face and my tooth I feel like a right mess.

Hopefully my tooth will be fixed tonight, and my face will hopefully be all healed up soon so I can feel attractive for Sir again.