When You're Not A Natural Submissive... How to Get It Back?

Two weeks until I go back to work.

I'm both excited and dreading it. Excited because I am really not cut out for being a full time stay-at-home person. These past 4 months have more than proved that to both me and Sir. I don't think dealing with grief and being depressed has helped, but being active I think will help. Dreading it because of the immense quick change, and the hours of hard work away from home after being... well honestly lazy for the past few months. I'm hoping I can cut it and transition with a minimum of grief.

I am hoping that once I'm back at work I will start to feel more like my old self again. Sir and I have been talking and I've just been... off. I'm not feeling submissive. He's not being Dominant. We both acknowledged our issues around this. His being extreme stress with his upcoming certification exam and completing his education (he MUST pass this test or else, basically - its high stakes time). Mine with just... being sad.

I feel like the sadness has physically filled up my insides, like how you squeeze jelly into a donut, leaving barely any room for anything else. I'm not interested in romance, or normal day to day activities. It's a chore to get up and get dressed for the day.

Submission is not natural for me. It's something I've been thinking about for a few weeks now. There are people who are naturally submissive, and that's just not me. Submission for me is work, and I've had no drive lately to complete that work; to tend to the garden and watch it grow.  I am happiest in this dynamic though. I don't think Sir and I would have lasted this long if we weren't D/s. As far as not being a natural submissive, there still is some root of submission in my nature. I did realize where my submissive nature does align. I am fulfilled by making other people happy. I have a desire to do so, and making others happy, makes me happy. It is in this fact that my service pours out, and perhaps in nurturing that, we can nuture my submission back out again. I did a small task when Sir got home from work today - getting him an ice cold beverage for him to relax with, without his prompting. I could see it had been a long stressful day for him. He didn't ask me, and I was happy and fulfilled to do this small task for him, purely because I thought it would make him happy.

Maybe just thinking about more tasks like that - small things to make Sir happy can refocus my brain a bit. I felt like I was making progress... small progress, but progress nonetheless, and now I just feel like everything has halted. In the middle of writing this, I brought Sir a small snack of milk and cookies, which he appreciated. I was happy to make him happy again.

How else can you get your submission back? Sir says that he knows mine is still there, it's just covered up by everything else. I guess I can work on squeezing out the "everything else" - the sadness... but I honestly think the only thing to help with that is time.

Other things to do is to keep reading, keep writing. On here in blogland, and on Fetlife. If I allow my mind to go stagnant, then the waters won't flow. Out of sight, out of mind. I've been a bit lax with it lately, and I need to continue making it a priority. I can send Sir articles and writings I come across as well, to foster discussion. But if I'm not reading, I'm not going to see anything to send.

I'm definitely open to suggestions. What do you do when you're just not feeling submissive - in your own body, in your own head? How do you coax that part of you back out?

In the meantime:

Tomorrow I'm going to make sure that I do something, at least one thing, maybe more, solely for Sir. Maybe just trying to serve him more, anticipate his needs and wishes will be the right next steps.

Wearing My Collar in Public... Again

Last night I went out to a vanilla meetup to chat with some fellow geek ladies. I decided to walk there to burn off the calories of eating everything at the movies earlier with Sir. It's not a far walk, about 15 minutes. I reach the place, take off my coat, start to take off my scarf.... and feel my collar. I stop, and very ungraciously mention that I have to go to the bathroom. I could have sworn someone was starting to ask what my necklace was, since it was neat, but I think my abrupt statement cut them off.

I went to the bathroom... debating. Do I take it off? Do I just hide it behind my shirt... you could still see the clasp behind my neck though... in the end, I took it off, and folded it into my scarf. I came out of the bathroom, feeling a bit awkward. No one said anything. But I knew.

What would have been the harm in saying screw it, I'm leaving it on? If anyone asks I can either say it's a necklace or tell them the truth. But I suppose I wasn't yet ready. These ladies don't know me really well. They don't know where I live. They know my profession, but I doubt anything bad would happen by me being honest about that... and yet that fear is there. That somehow it will affect my career and therefore me and Sir's livelihood. My family is too far away for someone to see. But I suppose I just don't trust people. And Sir and I are not in a place, I feel, that any repercussions could just roll off our backs. I forget sometimes when I am with like minded cool people that this area we now live in is extremely conservative, even backwards (to my mind) in beliefs and thinking. I just don't want anything bad to happen to us. Maybe that wouldn't be an issue but I feel like it's a huge risk that I can't take.

Funny though, this has been the second time this week I've left the house with my collar on. It's just so light that I don't even think about it being there. Or maybe I've just been so used to not taking anything off, since I stay in the house most of the time. I need to be careful because I'm going back to work in a couple weeks and I CANNOT afford to expose myself in my career.

I just hate that I feel it's necessary to hide who we are. I do wonder if a day will come where we'll be in a place where we can be freer.... or if we decide that the risks of being found out, and any repercussions that may come of it are worth it. Fight the idiots that don't mind their own business, and the like.

Maybe one day.

Valentine's and Back to a Collar

All is quiet on our eastern front.

We're getting over what Sir is affectionately calling "the plague". Unfortunately, I spread the love and he got sick too. I'm starting to feel better as he is feeling worse.

This weekend we had a nice low-key Valentine's. On Friday night we went to a new Hibachi and  Sushi Buffet. The food was great and the ambiance was very enjoyable. More selection than the other buffet we typically go to and a dollar cheaper! We stuffed our faces. On Saturday I had work, teaching a class on chocolate and candles for the holiday. It was a lot of effort but a great success! Sir and I also got to eat all the leftovers. Sunday my cousin had a party for her son's first birthday. I drove out there and spent time in the bouncy house and the ball pit with all the kiddos as a grown adult. I was loving it though. I stopped to get Sir a nerdy valentine's box (Avengers lollipop box) and some ginger ale to help his cold. We went to see Deadpool on Monday and I made Chicken Marsala - a nice ending to the weekend.

I've been a little grumpy lately. Not really depressed, but cranky. I guess I'm trading one issue for the other. I'm wondering if my birth control has anything to do with it. I'll stay on it, because I can overcome the grumpiness in exchange for not using condoms. I don't seem to be having other effects, so I'll ride it out.

In other news, Sir decided last night that I may now wear an actual collar as opposed to the chain. He said that I earned it. I am glad he feels this way, but part of me disagrees inside. I feel like I am not making enough of an effort, and am generally being a lazy defiant bum. But maybe in the face of everything that's going on, I've made strides. Maybe I don't feel quite the same as I did this time last year, but even I have to admit I'm better than I was a few months ago. Progress?

I just realized that I went to the dentist today with my collar on. It's so light compared to the chain that I feel as though I'm wearing nothing at all.  No one said anything and they may not have even seen it with my sweater and coat on. Oh well!

About Sir - Meme

This meme is all about Sir. Please feel free to try it with your partner. I saw it on Hermione's blog a while ago.

1. Name a favorite movie of his. Do you like it, too? If he doesn't have a favorite movie, substitute a TV series. 
Sir's absolutely favorite movie and fandom is Star Wars. I enjoy it much, but he is definitely the bigger fan.


2. Tell us something you cook or bake that gets him so happy. Do you add something special that makes your recipe unique?  
Pasta! Sir LOVES pasta, any kind of pasta. His favorite is a recipe of his sister's. A lasagna with pepperoni and sausage. It's my goal to learn to make that for him, but I doubt I'll ever make it as good as she does (and that's okay; I'm glad they have something to bond over).

3. What does he wear to bed? 
Either nothing or underwear.

4. Does he have or has he ever grown a beard or mustache? Did you (or do you) like it or not? 
Yes! When we first started dating he was clean shaven. About 6 months into our relationship he grew an experimental beard/mustache for his sister's wedding. Well I LOVED it. He kept it, and he loves the way he looks with it too. We're going to a convention in couple of months and planning to cosplay. We had to plan everything around the beard because He. Is. NOT. Shaving. It! 

5. If they were going to make a movie of him, what actor would you pick to play him? 
It took me a bit to think of this. I want to say Zach Galifanakis just because of the sweet beard. Or maybe Seth Rogan.

6. Who is neater around the house, you or him? Then give us a sloppy example. 
I do most of the cleaning, and I'm neater in general, but he has specific areas that he is fanatical about, whereas I'm not fanatical about much. The bed must be clean at all times, nothing but pillows and blankets (and my teddy bear). He makes the bed everyday, just before sleeping. I never do it right and he has to re-do it anytime I do it. I'm constantly leaving stuff on the bed; books, towels, hairbrushes. He is good about putting things away and not having clutter, but when it comes to cleaning as in scrubbing/dusting/disinfecting things, that's not on his radar at all. His desk is always a mess though. Papers and receipts and books, pencils, index cards... just lots of random paper ALL over the top of it.

7. If you could buy him tickets to any concert (even if it's from the past), what musician or group would be singing or playing? 
Weird Al. I'd say They Might Be Giants, but he's seen them already and never Weird Al.

8. Does he wear a wedding ring? Do you care? 
No. And I'm glad he doesn't because we're not married so he'd be married to someone else, then.

9. How old was he and how old were you on the day you met? What else do you remember about that day?
5 years ago on the 15th of January we met. I was 27 and he was 32. We'd been chatting online for over a month and finally decided to meet in person. I remember being SO nervous, and uncharacteristically shy. I remember him being different than anyone I'd ever dated. He was thoughtful and reserved. He wanted to get to know me as a person, not shove his tongue down my throat. I remember thinking now that I was a bit reckless on our first date. I did have a safe-call, but I let him get into my car to go to a secondary location! I had a good vibe from him, and thankfully it worked out but crazy things happen. If someone else had told me they did this I'd have lectured them!

10. If he is the one to choose an ethnic restaurant for dinner out, would it be Chinese, Indian, Mexican, French, Italian, Greek, or ...?  
Japanese, probably. Sushi!

11. Does your man know how to dance? Is it something you both enjoy? 
No, no he doesn't and he'd probably be caught dead before anyone really sees him dance in public other than a slow dance. He does his "white boy dance" for me when we're alone quite frequently though, giant dorky face cheesing it.  I like dancing, though.

12. If you were going to choose a dress in a color just to please him, what color would it be?
Black or green. Green is his favorite color, but he does love leather, black leather.

13. Do you (or did you) like his mother? Why or why not?
His mother is lovely. I've told her before that I feel like I've hit the mother-in-law jackpot. She's kind, sweet and giving. Too nice for her own good sometimes. We hope to be in a place soon where we can do more for her; she deserves it.

14. Name a famous person he really admires.
I'm not really sure actually. Maybe Nikola Tesla? Or Neil DeGrasse Tyson? Or Johnny Depp maybe. We were talking about him (Johnny Depp) the other day. I need help with this one.

15. How does he take his coffee or tea?
No coffee. He drinks his tea black with lots of sugar.

Under the Weather

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Beat You 'Til You Climax

On Sunday morning last week before I had left for New York, Sir decided to get sexy things started with me.

I was asleep. Usually, I am. On the weekends he typically wakes up before me and he has taken to fondling me when I sleep. I don't mind this at all, since it is him. He says that I'm much more receptive, probably because my brain is off.

The universe seemed to have other plans. The cat wanted to be on my face. Gets removed. The cat wanted to lay on my side. Gets removed. The cat wanted to continually meow, and just not stop. Sir fed him, but still he comes back with more cries for attention. Cat gets removed from the room; door closed, and Sir goes back to his task.

Then the baby upstairs wakes. Loudly and unhappily. I am fully awake by this point, thinking "just give it up already, it's over". Sir acknowledges that the mood is killed, but doesn't give up.

"Get up. On your stomach. I am going to beat your ass until you climax, got it? Use whatever you have to, do whatever you have to. But I am not going to let up until you finish."

I do as he instructs. Sir is using his belt to beat my ass and legs. I find that I am able to handle a greater intensity of impact and pain than I would usually, probably something to do with the other stimulation. After much effort I finish. It was difficult with all the distractions, and awkward angle. I turned over on my front (after asking Sir) and he beat my front. Only then was I able to finish. Probably because I usually lay on my back when I'm by myself.

After I finished, I fully expected Sir to have sex with me. He often uses a sleep fondling approach as a warm up to sex. But he told me to get up and clean myself up. Take a nice hot shower.

I was sort of confused. What about him and his needs? Sir reminded me that I had once said that having a scene for the sake of a scene and not with sex as the end goal is nice. Which is true. But I guess I didn't mean that I should finish and he shouldn't. I think I more meant that I enjoy BDSM activities in and of themselves. Sex, or climax doesn't have to always be the endgoal, and all activities don't necessarily have to cease after orgasm if sex is involved.

I accepted his decision though, and took a shower as instructed. I suppose I just felt bad for him, and wanted to please him in that way.

In a way it is another form of control though. Him choosing that I would get off that morning and in what manner. Him denying me the opportunity to please him until he decides he wants it. There's merit in that denial, too.

For me, everything comes back to that power exchange. Having a lack of that control.

Back From a Family Visit

I've been away for a few days, just getting back last night. My brother and mother needed help with my dad's affairs. I thought they were handling the finances stuff, since I handled the closing of his apartment and dealt with all his worldy possessions (all my dad's stuff is in our basement at the moment). But my mom really needs help - she gets confused by all of this and thinking about my dad *really* depresses her. I thought my brother was helping, but it's nearly 7 months later and not much has gotten done.

I drive three and a half hours out there, staying  for 5 days, unplanned. My brother, though he lives 20 minutes away from my mom and sees her several times a month has not once looked at any of her paperwork. Has not once sat down with her side by side and helped her with all of this stuff. But he calls me a few times a month blowing his top about how he doesn't understand why everything is taking so long. He thinks it's a matter of signing a few papers. 1-2-3 Boom. He actually said that: "We'll go over there, it will be 1-2-3 Boom, and it will all be over and done in an hour." Um, no. It took me 3 hours just to go through all the paperwork that was mailed to me. Creditors, union benefits stuff etc. Let alone the applications, pensions, life insurance, social security, and tax paperwork etc.

I got more done in the few days I was there helping her than he has in 7 months. I love them, but it's frustrating. Sir and I agreed that I am not going back there to help with this again. I will see them of course, as I love them. But they have to get their shit together. If my brother calls me again because stuff is not getting done, I am washing my hands of it. Read the paperwork. Obtain supporting documents. Help her with the applications, getting around, sending things certified mail. Stop being a retard who thinks everything just magically gets done. My mother is a recovering addict with diagnosed mental illness. Years of substance abuse plus psychiatric drugs has addled her brains. Couple that with the grief of losing her husband, and she really just can't handle all this on her own. I asked her about one simple document and she was so drained from that small exchange that she needed to go lay down. And she has been doing all of this by herself, without help. Unfortunately, she is the executor by default as the remaining spouse (there was no will), so legally this falls on her shoulders. But that doesn't mean we can't help her. I just can't drop everything to drive to New York City at my brother's whim because he's too irresponsible to help. End of family rant.

I finally got back last night. I quickly did  my workout and crawled into bed. I didn't get up this morning with Sir. I asked permission to sleep in. I'd not been getting sleep while I was out there and I just wanted to revel in the comfort of my own bed without having to get up at dawn. This morning when I got up, I was a little bit annoyed. The house seems completely trashed. I know I didn't leave it in the best state - I left in sort of a whirlwind. But Sir I don't think cleaned or maintained a single thing while I was gone. Every dinner plate we own was dirty. There were dishes piling out of the sink, on every available surface of the kitchen: the countertops, the stove, the cart. Cardboard boxes in the living room. Plates on the tables. Sir said he went to the store, but the fridge is empty. It just feels like he made no real effort. I was and am a little annoyed. Is it too much of me to think he should try to take care of that stuff while I'm gone? Do I need to be more explicit and remind him with a list, taking control (which I hate)? On the other hand, I'm a stay at home sub at the moment, so should it me all on me? I was only gone 5 days. I'm not sure exactly what right is in our current situation.

I think I'm working on trying to put my service hat back on my head. I put my chain around my neck. I started the dishes. I made calls to ensure we'd have money this month. Started taxes. And while I'm doing these things, I'm trying to come at them from the mindset of "these things will help Sir". Sir will appreciate seeing dishes done. Sir will appreciate money for bills and food.

Sitting here while typing, I just  noticed that for the first time, Sir has used the whiteboard. He'd set me 4 tasks for the day:

I think seeing this has helped me "get over myself" today. All the things I wrote, the annoyance of the house being the way it was, the disrespect I felt at it being acceptable for me to come home to this... well, it doesn't go away, but reading that he has left me instructions and was thinking about what I should do today... it helps. I have completed most of these tasks, on chance. It's odd, reading the 4 items, my brain automatically translates into just 2 tasks. Loving on the cat is something I do anyway, allll day. And as far as "relax".... well I'm home all day today so feel like it's default. I suppose that I could do something with the express purpose of relaxing, but with so much to do, it feels like walking backwards.

I've had enough time to be lazy. It's time to get back on track. Again.