Saturday, February 04, 2012

Words and Censorship

Reading is one of the top ways that I can relax and de-stress (so is bathing – not just the act of cleaning oneself, but luxuriating in the bath). When we can, Sir sets me up so I can relax in the bath, which I like. I also enjoy reading in the bath; I feel like such a hedonist in there.

I just finished Crossed, which is part of the Matched Trilogy by Ally Condie. In this series, Society is overtly ruled by a Big Brother government that controls and watches everything in really interesting ways. Culture has been reduced to 100 items each. 100 poems; 100 paintings, etc. People, even those who agree with Society in general, have to censor themselves on a daily basis to ensure self-preservation. The themes of this book wormed their way into my brain, and I started relating them to my relationship with Sir.

– Words –

The main character in this book, Cassia, holds to words as being very precious. She spends most of this book thinking and dreaming about choosing her words carefully for when she’ll reunite with her love. I think about the words that Sir and I choose to use for our relationship. Words that I am comfortable with, and words that I am not comfortable with. Words that I choose to say, and words that I sometimes forget to say. For example, the use of the word “Sir” in our relationship is very complex. It’s something that he requests, and I agree with and choose to do. I am comfortable with this word. I enjoy using it; every time I choose to say it; its like I’m re-choosing our type of relationship and our special commitment to each other. It puts me into the right frame of mind, and reinforces my role in my head. Yet, sometimes I forget to say this word. I have seen much improvement with myself with this word, true, but I still forget from time to time. His reminders get me back on track.

Lately, I’ve tried using it more and more, even when he’s not in my presence. I use it here, for example. I also use it when I text him, or email him. I feel that choosing to use those words help me strengthen where I should be, and our respective roles. It makes me feel helpful, and more submissive.

Another word I am comfortable with is the use of “mine” and “yours”. He often tells me, “You are mine”, and I agree: “I am yours”. However, I’m not yet comfortable with the word “owned”. It’s odd in that the concepts are essentially the same, but the words somehow make it different in my head. I am not property. I am not chattel. But being his… well somehow that is something else entirely. It makes me feel precious in a way that being owned doesn’t.

– Censorship –

Another theme of this book is censorship. People censor themselves from the government, from other citizens, from family. It makes me think of how often I censor myself. In all honesty, the only person that gets to see every single side of me, is Sir. Even with my closest friends, there is always something I am keeping back. Something I think they might not understand about myself; harsh truths that might hurt their feelings; just something. Even with Sir, I do restrain myself – he does see all sides of me, but its not without reservation. Sometimes I think it’s more for a desire not to get myself into trouble; but it’s still there. I do hold back a bit when angry, or I try to give a more diplomatic opinion to him that I would with others; I can be a bit of a fireball. I am trying to work on breaking those walls down a little bit – it probably does neither of us a real service if he never gets to see what I’m truly capable of in expression and deed. But I do feel good that out of all people, I trust him the most, and I show him the most of myself. The things that embarrass me, my insecurities; those things that turn my heart to ice at the thought of anyone “finding out” - these are the things that I share with him.

It’s odd that what I do keep is essentially the level my vicious temper can take if unchecked.

But it’s good that he’s the one keeping me in check.

I also think about how I censor this side of myself from the world, essentially. It bothers me that I have to hide something that I feel has made me so happy. It's made me a better person. But most people just don't understand. I hide this side of myself in order to keep my job; I've no doubt that it would affect my career for me to be public about this. I censor what I would normally say in front of others. A joke I would make is reduced to a knowing glance between Sir and me. I censor myself when asked simple questions like, "So what did you guys do last night?". It's true that in any relationship, I wouldn't be completely forthcoming when talking about private matters in my relationship, but I suppose I more keenly feel the strain of keeping things private now, than I did before.

We even censor ourselves from the kink community. Sir and I have decided to go to our first munch. There is a woman going who I have met a few times in "real life", so I feel more comfortable attending than I have before, though I still feel some nervousness. At the same time we saw this munch, we saw another one given at a location that Sir frequents very often. He was so surprised that the proprietor was one of "us". And despite this sounding like an extremely cool event, he has decided against us going - he does not wish to "out" us in front of so many people that he knows, even though by being there, it probably means that they too, have similar interests. Written like that, it does sound a bit silly. And yet, I completely understand. What we do is our business, and it's our business who we choose to share things with. There are certain people that I would not wish to mesh into my lifestyle, even if they "get it". So although I am a tiny tiny bit sad at not attending this munch, I completely understand his decision not to attend.

I hope the munch we decided to go to is as good as everyone makes them out to be.

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