Sunday, February 05, 2012

Bedtime and Punishments

Sir has set a bedtime rule for me, at eleven o’ clock.. This typically applies to evenings when I must get up early the next day. Today, I have work in the afternoon, but when asking Sir about bedtime last night, he decided that yesterday, the eleven o’ clock rule still applied. Inside, I was excited that he was extending more control over me even when it wasn’t necessary. It’s a simple thing to do and it does make both of us happy.

Yet I didn’t go to bed on time. I have been late before, once. Three minutes. I wasn’t being absentminded or willfully disobedient; it just took me longer to get ready for some reason. But yesterday I was 16 minutes late. And it was entirely my fault. I finished writing a blog post with time to spare. Instead of going to bed, I thought I would respond to something my aunt said on Facebook. It was something that got me fired up and honestly, I probably should have just sucked it up and went to bed. But I thought there was time.

This is what she posted:

I started the conversation by letting her know that the Komen Foundation replaced funding for Planned Parenthood. She responded with that being too bad. I knew it was just going to get worse. What gets under my skin is not her personal belief in being Pro-Life. It’s the fact that she has to PUSH her beliefs very forcefully on other people both in life and the internet.

Personally, I would never have an abortion. But I don’t believe that my convictions should dictate what another woman should do. I also am a patient of Planned Parenthood. Her facts are wrong even from her own listed sources. Abortions aren’t their primary source of income. I’m not saying that it’s not a fundamental service they provide, but all the other services they do generate more revenue than abortions do. In fact, the Planned Parenthood I go to doesn’t even offer abortion services, and oftentimes for low income people, it's the only place one can get affordable care for something as simple as a UTI. Anyway:

20 minutes later, I see the clock and I’m not surprised to see it’s past eleven; I knew I was losing myself in this conversation. It was a pointless conversation. I know I’m not going to change her mind and she’s not going to change mine. It’s driving a wedge into our relationship and it's counterproductive.

I tell myself to stop this and go to bed, like I should have at eleven o’ clock. I know that I am late. Now, I have a dilemma. I could just not say anything to Sir and hope he doesn’t ask me what time I went to bed. I could outright lie later and avoid getting into trouble. I’ve thought about this before. I’d never had any real cause to lie but I thought about what would happen when inevitably I’d be late for this simple task. I could have sent him my goodnight message at eleven and simply stayed up (also another lie). But I didn’t. Lying doesn’t help anyone, it would weaken our relationship, and in a small way I do want to atone and own up for my infraction. So I text him and tell him that I want to be honest and that I was just only now getting into bed. He messages me back saying that he understands and that we’ll talk about it tomorrow (today).

I am now a little nervous. I am wondering what exactly this conversation will consist of. I am wondering if I will be punished for this offense. And honestly, I realize now that I will be disappointed if I am not punished. It’s not that I WANT to be punished or that this was some deliberate planned attempt on my part to be disobedient. It’s just that I think Sir goes too lightly on me sometimes. I am wondering if he will say something like, “Since you’ve not really been late, and you were honest and upfront with me, I am willing to overlook this as long as you’re more diligent in the future”. He could say this; it’s his decision and his prerogative. But I know inside I’ll be let down if this turns out to be the case. I suppose I feel that in order for me to hold myself to a higher standard, he must also hold me to a higher standard and make me accountable if I am not up to par.

We’ll see what happens tonight.

1 comment:

  1. It's a confusing thing sometimes, not really wanting to be disciplined yet sometimes feeling disappointed if there isn't follow through on it. Good luck to you, however it works out.

    I've seen all sorts of things floating around Facebook about Planned Parenthood and the Komen Foundation. I don't follow political stuff so don't know what that's all about, but I do know many people who have been helped by the services offered there whether it's getting testing or birth control for those who aren't insured.

    They provide a lot of valuable services and education to people. Those who think that they are an "abortion clinic" aren't very well informed. Just my two cents.


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