Still Submissive, Even in This Shitshow

 It's been a shitshow around here lately.

We'd been planning our wedding celebration. Fully vaxxed with every safety measure we could put in place (other than just not doing it). My family has been awful - only one aunt and her kids, and my one uncle were going to attend. I have a large family (and most of the folks not attending were not because of the pandemic; I totally get that!)

Three days before the new year, I fell down the stairs at work and injured myself badly. I've been on crutches since, and probably have another few weeks to go. Was going to be on crutches for our celebration.

Jump through hurdle after hurdle to get this celebration going, make peace with being on crutches for our big day and get to the day before our wedding celebration.

And Sir gets Covid. Symptoms overnight, and tests positive that afternoon. We had to cancel everything, and because it was so close to the date, we end up having to pay for the entire thing, too. I get symptoms a few days later and also test positive. It's just so frustrating because we'd been so careful about everything. I'd been self quarantining from everyone while at work (eating alone in my office, etc).

So we're in full quarantine for another week, but finally starting to turn the corner, symptoms-wise. It's just not been a good scene around here. 

I finally hit my breaking point. The point where I could no longer cope with life and everything it seems to throw at us, repeatedly over and over. You try to be positive, and practice gratitude (because sometimes there ARE good things, or you do realize that things could be so much worse!) but the negative has been drowning that out for me.

I had a bit of a breakdown. After increased therapy appointments, I have a shiny new mental health prescription and hopefully I will see a difference in a month.

Our pipes also froze this morning. Just.... come on, man.  We're working on that today, and we're okay. It all just seems like I've pissed off the universe, somehow.

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One good moment though, that I want to remember.

Last night, Sir told me he had one task for me today - to empty the dishrack of the dishes he washed. (I got a special hands-free crutch, so I am a little more functional now than when I was on the traditional style crutches).

So, today I go to do it, and I cannot get the tupperware put away (they go in a high cabinet that I need a stepstool to access. I can't use the stepstool with the crutch, though). He told me nevermind, I'll take care of it.

I was determined to do as he asked though. He hasn't given me a task in ages. He's been actually waiting on me hand and foot while I'm healing from my injury. 

For the first time in a while, I felt that need to serve. Sir set me a task, and dangit, I was going to do it. So he agreed to have me just put the tupperwares aside and just get everything else that I could reach. So I did. And I felt fulfilled for the moment.

I was happy because I guess with everything, I feared that part of me, the submissive part, was gone too. 

But she's still in there, somewhere.

How to Make Your Little Happy #572

Sir and I have been trying to take a walk together after work each night. Get into a routine.

During our most recent walk, the local candy store was open! They've been closed for a while due to the pandemic.

This store is great. They always have amazing window displays, too. It was exciting to be able to walk in there and pick things out.

Sir let me have some candy too. 

The lime green ones are my favorite!

I was so happy to enjoy the candy on our walk. I felt little, and carefree. Skipping along in my mind.

Thank you, Sir!

Not that kind of Switch, Mom!

 For my birthday, Sir gifted me a Switch. And of course, my favorite video game to go with it. We're finally getting to a place where discretionary income is a thing again!

I was floored and so very excited! I'm a huge Zelda fan. I've been playing nearly my entire life with my dad. This will actually be the first major console Zelda release I'll play entirely without him. 

My mom called to wish me a Happy Birthday and asked if I had gotten a present from Sir. So I told her excitedly that he got me a Switch.

She was silent for a long time.

Then she said quietly, "... like, to beat you with?"

Oh. My. God.

I just started laughing. I couldn't even breathe. 

In between gasps of air, I replied:

"Yeah, and he made me pick it out and cut it off the tree, too."

 I eventually explained to her that no, of course it's not that kind of switch; that it's a Nintendo (she remembers me and my dad playing the old ones).

I'm just thinking of the other use of the word. Her brain would probably implode.

This exchange did make me wonder. Is this just a fluke? Her old-school sense of that word and the only thing she could think of?

Or does she somehow, know?

I suppose it could be both.

Hopefully not, though!

Birthday Spankings

My birthday was last week. Our original plans with friends got cancelled.

But being home and alone does have its advantages.

I woke up being spanked. After several sets, Sir asked me if I knew how many were in each set. I did not.

"Are you not counting?" Sir asked.

"No... I'm barely awake," I replied.

"Well, you should."

So I did. Sir was spanking me in repeated sets of 38.

"Happy Birthday, Bitch".

Little at Times

 Sir and I have realized over the years, that I definitely have a little side.

I don't know her exact age, but somewhere between 5-8 I think.

There are times where it's more pronounced than others.

But there is a time of day where it is pretty consistent. And that is bedtime.

Every night when we're getting ready for bed, I definitely feel little. Perhaps its that nighttime desire to be tucked in and cuddled. Perhaps a desire to feel safe before bed. Safe like a child, when life was simpler, and there was less to worry about.

Maybe it's nightly exhaustion removing some internal barriers.

I'm sure now, in listing an "age" there's some things there to unpack in therapy (my parents split when I was 7, so that being my age range... I'm sure that's linked somehow).

But I think I'm okay with it. Sometimes being little is confusing for me. But sometimes it really is nice to just... let everything go, and know I am safe with Sir. That he is going to take care of me, and everything is going to be okay until tomorrow.