Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Being Direct

Sir says that I am very direct.

He is not wrong. I am usually upfront about most things. I strive to be honest, sometimes brutally so. It can be difficult for me to be diplomatic when necessary (usually at work). It can be difficult for me to back off of certain things.

While he enjoys this quality, as he never has to worry about me playing those games where I give him the silent treatment, or he has to figure out why I am upset - I will just tell him, sometimes he doesn't like it.

He says it's not a very submissive quality.

I guess that is true too. I have an outgoing personality. I am willfull. Submission doesn't come naturally for me; I have to work at it. But I am not happy when I am the dominant one in the relationship, which is an easy role for me to fall into.

So I suppose I have to figure out how to balance the good qualities of being a very direct person with also retaining a submissive manner for him.

How am I to do that? I suppose it has to do with phrasing (Are we not doing phrasing anymore?!)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Sinful Sunday: Hands

Sir and I in the back of our friends' car while in North Carolina:

Sinful Sunday

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Collar Update and Drunken Fishie Rewards!

Today, Sir let me have three fishies! He even dropped one into my wine glass.

Hello, drunken fishie.

I'd been really busy at work lately but I guess I did a lot when I got home. I went for a jog (yay health and weight loss), cooked a teriyaki chicken casserole (in this 92 degree heat), did the dishes, did some gardening, took a shower, and called my mom and grandmom. I think he was more happy about the food appearing and the dishes disappearing, though.

Since my last post a few days ago, things with the collar are going well. Just after I clicked the "Publish" button, he actually had me come into the living room to collar me. I guess the talk made an impact on him. I think the "I haven't been properly collared for two years" statement was a bit of an epiphany for him as well. So, he re-collared me.

My new rule is that I must wait for him to collar me himself every evening after work - meaning I cannot collar myself when I get home, It will be done by him when he gets home (usually about a 2 - 3.5 hour time difference).

The second day when he got home I closed the door and kneeled by the collar cabinet, waiting. The next day he made me kneel and put it on me (which was a struggle since my legs were sore from jogging - I just started again). Yesterday he collared me just before bed (since I went to bed super early last night). And tonight, he made me go get the collar right after dinner (he made me wait because, "I'm eating, bitch!").

I think this is working for now. Just working on this. And I think really working on having his lunch ready  before I go to bed being another priority. With these two things, we can start to get back on track.

I am cautiously optimistic!

Sunday, July 09, 2017

Collar - I Need More?

I know at one point someone said to me here, just to put the damn collar on and resume your lives.

I don't know why I put more significance into it than that, but I do.

I think its because I feel like the collar is an extension of how we're doing in the D/s aspect of our lives. When things started slipping, that's when the collar went. And we've not really gotten it back; not fully. I also feel that it is not my place to decide that it should come back on, that takes the control and puts it in my lap. Do I submit only when I feel like it? No. (Well, lately, yes - sometimes if we are being honest).

And so the collar hasn't come back on; not fully. There have been times here or there, but it has not been consistent. Though I do have the wristcollar. I have not been "properly" collared for about two years now.

Two years.

That seems insane to "say out loud".

I only really thought of it because tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, and that is really where things went downhill.

Sir and I did have a nice long chat about this while we were driving down to North Carolina this past weekend (this is one of the reasons I love road trips with Sir; talk; somehow we have different conversations in the car).

He was so flabbergasted about the two-year collar revelation. It was like an epiphany for him. I told him that I have really been trying lately, trying to be more submissive. He said that he has noticed. But it has been really difficult. I truly feel that I am really ready this time; that I have moved past my grief enough to function as a real person again. I think I have been doing well for some time now. But I feel like I am submitting into a vacuum. There are really no expectations. There are no consquences. I need to be held to some standards. When there are no consequences or expectations, I interpret that as the task not being truly important.

There is one exception here - the wristcollar. Sir has been amazingly consistent there. He checks up on that, to make sure I am wearing it. If I am not, he puts it back on and I have been punished a few times for forgetting it.

But other than that, there isn't anything really. I don't have to make his lunches. I don't have to wear my collar. I probably don't have to adhere to my dress code either, though I do.

So I guess I need more from him. What does he actually want from me? Because right now, I'm not really sure. He does tell me to do things from time to time, and we still engage in some kinky fuckery here and there, but to me, I think I feel like we're just playing house sometimes when the mood strikes rather than really living it.

And while that is totally fine if that is your thing, I'm not fine with it. I want more.

Hopefully there will be more.
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