Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Collared in the Car

Sir's mother is turning 70! We drove out there to celebrate with her. Sir's sister made reservations at a pretty swanky Italian restaurant. Sir's mother didn't want a big party, so we had a nice dinner out instead (we did tell her that for 75, we're doing a party, so she's got 5 years to get used to the idea).

Sir had me wear my collar in the car on the way there and back. A one-way trip is about 3 hours.

I was freaking out a little bit. What if we're seen? I asked Sir if I could put my scarf around my collar to walk to the car from our house. He let me, and once we got gas and were on the road, the scarf had to come off. I was a little nervous, but at least in the car there is some kind of false anonymity behind the metal frame. Sure, people might see us, but it will only be for a moment at 70 mph. Soon I forgot about it.

That is, until we got near the house. I started bringing up more and more when I'd be able to remove it. Where it would go once it was removed.  I was so anxious, worrying about what I would do if Sir told me I had to keep it on (not that I thought he would, especially in front of his mother). Or if he had me remove it in front of the house and they were outside, or if we were driving through town and they saw us. What would we say? How would that be received? The collar I was wearing couldn't be played off as anything else, really. As we got off the highway and got closer and closer to the house, I could feel myself nearly vibrating with the anxious energy. I was physically sitting on my hands to keep them from touching my collar. I was clenching my jaw to not ask Sir, "Now? How about now? ....Now? Here?"

Eventually as we turned onto the main road of their town 5 minutes to go, Sir allowed me to remove the collar. I asked him why he chose that distance. He simply said, "This is what I decided".

He instructed me to put the collar in his glovebox, but he had too many gaming things in there. I put it instead in the pocket of the car door, curling the one end in the cupholder. I still felt like it was screaming, "Look at me! Look at me!", so I covered it gently with napkins.

It was a good thing I did though, since Sir's mother ended up going in his car when we rode to the restaurant! Normally, I insist that she take the front seat on the rare occasions when this happens, but she hopped in back quickly and I was so paranoid that she would find the collar up there.

Nothing happened, and it was a lovely evening out and spending time with his family.

Once we were back on the road home, Sir had me re-collar for the drive. By the time we got to our house near 1 am, I honestly don't recall if I covered up or not from the car to the house. I must have, but it was dark and I was exhausted. I cared much less.

An interesting observation: it was amazing to me how many people did NOT notice, at all. When we were stopped at lights I thought there may have been stares, and I was bracing myself for the scrutiny. But I didn't notice any. There may have been some I didn't notice, but if there were I'm glad I didn't!

I don't like to feel put on the spot or like I'm under the microscope, but I'm glad Sir had me do this.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Have a Little Faith

I need to stop being such a Negative Nancy. Things are good. Why do I dwell on the downsides?

We've been having a bunch of issues with stuff that are undoubtedly first world problems. Oh, the cable people didn't ring the doorbell when they came so we have to wait an entire day for TV, and our plans are on hold. Oh, the store didn't have the things I wanted to buy. Things that should be minor. We have food. We have a roof over our heads. We have heat and electricity. We now have good incomes and bills are paid. We even have enough for some niceties (though the cable thing - it was actually cheaper to get a package with TV over just internet).

I was having a bad night a couple of days ago and it was spiraling. Sir wasn't going to be home for hours. I was trying to get housework done, feeling overwhelmed. I was worrying about work issues. i was thinking about the house and never catching up. I was dwelling on what he had said about his job. I was thinking about our D/s... or lack thereof. I got really heated and upset, feeling like I should just throw in the towel and accept that we are now vanilla and we will always be vanilla and because other things in the relationship are great (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater), I better figure out how to deal... I even wrote a pretty scathing rant on here that I didn't post. I'm glad I had the sense not to. I was in the heat of my feelings in that moment, and honestly things are not all doom and gloom.

So I decided to cut the shit. If you want it to be better, make it better! Make YOU better. A while ago I wrote wondering whose responsibility it was to rekindle a D/s relationship. Obviously it is both persons. As the submissive, however, I do have the... expectation, I suppose, that the Dominant will lead. But that doesn't mean I should just wait around, like I have been prone to do in the past. I can be proactive and anticipate the situation and prepare accordingly. So, I decided to get off my ass and tidy up the bedroom (it was pretty bad). I turned on the radio for some background noise and at that exact moment NPR was having a talk about expressing gratitude. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. I needed to hear that, and it it is something I am going to try and work on. Sir and I have so many great things going for us; I really shouldn't let the negative weigh us down and go nuclear over trivial things.

After cleaning, I checked our location app to see what time Sir should be home, so I could have dinner ready and hot for his arrival. I styled my hair in a way he finds appealing. And I put on a nice satin dress. Something about dressing for his pleasure gets me in the right frame of mind. Funnily enough, I was trying to put this dress on, and I hear him pull into the driveway. So it was a mad dash to get myself into it and not looking unkempt. In that effort, I didn't have time for underthings; I just threw the dress right on. I was kicking my slipper socks off as Sir was walking in.

Sir noticed right away and appreciated my efforts with my appearance, with dinner, with the house. And it turned it all right around. We ate together and it wasn't until the meal was over that he noticed I had no underthings on! This is something he has mentioned he likes in the past, the idea of me wearing something nice but there is no bra, no panties, nothing underneath. I think it jumpstarted his brain again. Things are good. We don't have to stress. We can start reintroducing some of the missing pieces of our D/s lives back. We had been talking for weeks about how certain things have been lacking, but I try my best not to harp on it (though it can be difficult for me). He is the Dominant, it is up to him to decide and me to follow. I can help, though.

And I think the effort and gratitude is what we needed. I need to have Faith that it will work out, if I make the effort.

Help comes to those who help themselves. Things will get better but I have to make an effort. And I think it IS helping us.

I think Sir has been feeling more confident. Maybe I showed him that I want to be his, that I want to make the effort, and that has helped his mental state?

In the past few days, Sir has brought out my big collar again. He made me sleep with it on the past couple of nights, too. He even made me wear it in the car on the trip to/from his mother's house! He has restarted spanking my ass at night before bed. He's been more demanding in service during the day. He has corrected my speech and behavior to his wishes... just, simple things that make me feel more like us. Pulling me aside and kissing me at random times during the day holding me in place until he is finished.

I'm glad we're getting back on track. I just need to keep reminding myself of what would please him and make him happy.

I just needed to have a little faith in Sir.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Kinky Tune Tuesday: Sucker for Pain

I just heard this song on the radio, thought it was appropriate here. I saw Suicide Squad, but I guess it didn't sink in at the time, I was probably distracted by other things.

I like how it is different by featuring many artists of different genres. As far as D/s goes though, I think just the hook really applies here.

Though something about the chorus and the music just sounds so.... sexy. Definitely could be scene music!

Friday, October 07, 2016

Would You Break Up With Me If...

The other night as Sir and I were laying in bed he asked me:

"Would you break up with me if I quit my job?"

He said that he had no intent on actually quitting his job, but he was curious on my answer.

I know he is not thrilled about his job right now. He feels that he has taken a step back, career wise. He is not really using the training he went to school for. He is actually doing less of a level of work than before he went to school. There is a lot of down time, and he is bored. On top of that, he is having trouble handling the long commute. And it has been tricky for us to spend time together, as he is getting home, and I basically need to go to bed an hour later. I understand that him not being satisfied with his career will be a long term problem. We've talked about him staying there until he finds something else.

So, my reply to him was ultimately, "It depends... why did you quit?"

If he was quitting because of a hostile work environment, okay. If someone was being abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually, okay. I can understand that.

But quitting because you don't like it?

I don't think I could handle that. I've supported us by myself for two years. For over half of that time, I had a job that not only did I not like, I downright hated. I cried after work regularly. And I couldn't quit. Sir had even said he wanted me to (though he realized that it was unrealistic). But I couldn't, because who would actually take care of us? I had to just ride it out until I got lucky enough to find something I love. And it was luck. I could easily still be doing that other job that was slowly sucking out my soul.

So, if he did quit because he just didn't like the job, I don't think I would end our relationship immediately. But I could definitely see it causing an eventual break-up. I would see it as him not being willing to put in equal effort for the household. To take me for granted and continue to just allow me to do everything, which is getting REALLY old before he even got this job. (If he is gonna be the home person, there are different expectations).

Part of me worries that him not liking his job would do really bad things for his mental state though... and then I wonder, would it be okay then? Well, of course if it means he'd deteriorate to a level where he'd harm himself - don't stay. But selfishly, I wonder if I could be with a partner where that is a real issue all the time. We've had a scare like that last year and it was fucking terrifying. Part of me feels like a horrible person for admitting that, but it is the truth. Mental illness runs in my family, and I don't know if that is a life I would really want for myself. Sir has been more or less good for over 6  years now, though, so it is probably a non-issue.

I think my main concern is I need and wish for Sir to be a strong person. Not every instant of every day of course, but in general. And if he can't handle staying at this job, like he couldn't get through school, or get things done while having unlimited free time as the home person... this is definitely going to be an issue with me.

Right now, I have good days and bad days in the way I feel about our relationship and our future. I think this is normal. Sir found a job. It is a well paying job with benefits. Him working there means he can have health insurance (which he needs, more than I do). It means we have a decent income. We can pay down our debts. We can live a little more comfortably. We can save for a future - a wedding, a house, a marriage. It affords us lots of stability in more ways than one. Him asking me a question like that makes me worry about him and his mental state, however.

It is a big transition and change for Sir, and he doesn't handle change well. He is having a hard time dealing with the commute. While I do commiserate, as I definitely get having a long shitty commute, part of me just wants to laugh. Suck it up, buttercup. My commute is STILL longer than yours. On the other hand, I think it took me a full year to get the hang of it. I'm only sort of able to handle life now. But I'm doing it, somehow.

Hang in there, baby? It gets better?

So, I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I'm not sure how to sort them all out. I even fear putting this out there for Sir to read, since I think it might play on his insecurities more than helping him. But he wants to know how I feel, even if I have lots of feelings and some of those feelings make me feel like a bad person.

Update: We had a long talk, and it helped. A lot. He had no idea that what was to him, a simple random question had such significance for me. It prompted a talk on those issues, and a lot of other things in our relationship that I was feeling dissatisfied with - maybe all of those things snowballed and are causing me to be a bit sensitive lately.
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