Soup Tray Service

We're back! Finally, after the long holiday weekend.

It was a good holiday, but it was much time away from home with a lot of running around.

Somehow, upon returning here I just feel ... better.

I feel more ready for things to come. I feel I'm more in the right headspace. Maybe something about being away from all of this for a bit.

Upon checking on our poor little kitty who spent 4 days alone (though well-provisioned), I put my chain on, without having to be told.

Sir caught a cold from his sister and wanted soup. I gathered up all our soup selections and put them on a tray (or a cookie sheet since we don't have a proper serving tray) and let him choose from the 6  or 7 soups we had while he worked on the computer in the office. He made his selection, and I returned to the kitchen to prepare it for him.

I put his soup, napkin, spoon, beverage, and a shot of cold medicine on the cookie sheet and served him in the office. The act seemed calming and peaceful to me. It made me happy to serve him this way. I'm hoping this feeling will continue.

It's good to be home!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to any and all who celebrate! Though it's been a really difficult year, Sir and I have been blessed in so many ways.

I had my tooth extracted a few days ago. Though that is never a fun thing; the process was quick. It wasn't quite painless, but my fabulous dentist had that sucker out before Sir could even settle in for what he and I thought was going to be a long wait. The kicker for me is that they didn't prescribe me any pain medicine. They told me just to take "whatever over the counter stuff you usually take".

I've never had an extraction where my dentist didn't try to ease that pain a little, so it was a bit of a shocker for me. I've been taking ibuprofen, and the PM version when applicable and I've been doing okay. A few times the pain has been a bit much for me though. I'm definitely not a pain wimp (or a pain slut for that matter), but extreme mouth pain is not something I handle well.

Sir has been absolutely amazing. He has been taking great care of me. Because of my big dental anxiety I was prescribed Valium before the procedure, so he got me up, ready, drove me over there, and waited like a champ while I had this thing pulled. Afterwards he brought my loopy self to get medicine, went to the market to get all soft foods, and then put me to bed when we got home and put everything away. My appointment was around 10 o clock, by 11:30 we were home, and I slept until after 8 pm. When I got up he made me some soup and just kept me company for a few hours until I went back to sleep.

He has had a break from his school program so we've spent the whole week together. Finishing up holiday shopping, cleaning, and actually being around each other for more than a few hours per day. It's been a good thing.

Last night he decided we should see Star Wars again. He made an "executive decision" while I was in the shower and bought tickets online. I went with it, even though I had apprehensions since it was Christmas Eve and we had much to do, and we don't exactly have a lot of disposable income right now (plus the tickets were bought, and well, he said so, so what else could I do?). We had a good time. He brought a spoon and got me an Icee so I could have a movie snack. After the movie we went to pick up some cat essentials since our kitty is going to be alone for a couple of days... but we live in Central PA and it was Christmas Eve. We had to go to 3 stores all at the opposite corners of town to find a place that was open. I was initially really pissed off, thinking... what should you do when your Dom clearly makes the wrong decision?

Well, you should get over yourself and go with it. Because it all worked out in the end, and second guessing and throwing anger around solved nothing. We found everything we needed. We still had time to come home and have a nice dinner together. And me sulking and lashing out helped not one bit. What I should have done was what I initially did. Voice my opinion in a calm manner, let him make his choice, and then just go with it. I did the first part, it's the second part I should have scrapped (the anger and seething when we were having a hard time). Hopefully I will learn for next time.

We had our first Christmas together; just me and him. Lovely candlelit dinner with the Yule Log on. We sat after dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. Talked about the past year. Got up for Christmas morning, had breakfast, did gifts, sat and enjoyed more Yule Log. Sir was extremely thoughtful in his gift-giving. We each came up with a budget for each other. We each went over by a little bit.

Sir and I got a lot of thoughtful things for each other, but my clear favorite from him is this Minecraft baby sheep plush, now oh so cleverly named Sheepie. I asked Sir if we could bring him with us on our road trip (he said yes).

We've since made our way to New Jersey to visit with his family and it's been lovely. His mom spoiled us; truly. And just seeing her is a great thing. I know Sir misses his mother more than he probably lets on, and she definitely misses him with us being so far. A friend of her's actually put us up in a hotel for a couple of nights so we could visit together without being a burden on her already over-encumbered house. Another great blessing.

Before I try to get to sleep (I think this Advil PM is finally doing its job), I wanted to share my new hair, because I love it, I'm really excited, I just realized that pic with Sheepie is the first I'd posted of it (and it's just the top of my head), and Sir told me that I'm allowed to be pleased by my own appearance; I can be proud of my hair!

Now that I'm on winter hiatus from work, I don't have to conform to normal hair color for the next couple of months. Having brightly colored hair is a joy of mine, one I haven't had in at least 7 years.

I started with something simple, just a little taste:

Just a little stripe of purple in the front of my head. Once I had that taste though, I really wanted more. So, as of last week my head is now red on top (fading to pink) and purple at the tips. I am totally in love with it. I hadn't dyed my hair in years! And for my first time attempting something like this, I'm pleased and proud.

Sir likes it too, and has indicated that he'd really love more purple. He's usually pretty indifferent when it comes to my hair (other than brush it and don't cut it), so I'm even more excited!

Merry Christmas! I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday!

A Good Weekend

Sir and I had a good weekend. Busy, but good.

Friday night we went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Sir is a HUGE fan. I got him tickets months ago and gave them to him as a present for his birthday. I reserved seats in the fancy theatre with reclining seats. It was nice to not have to wait on line for hours, though there is something to be said for that experience, too.

Without giving away any spoilers, Sir and I both really loved it. While I do feel a pang of sadness that the expanded universe is basically thrown out, perhaps they can be enjoyed as more of an alternate timeline, alternate universe type of deal.

It was laugh-out-loud funny. It did a good job of providing just enough fan service and nostalgia without being ridiculous. I enjoyed the two new main characters. And I'm excited for how they're clearly setting things up to come, story wise. A lot of unanswered questions at the end. 2017 will be exciting.

2016 is going to be all about Harry Potter, but we can focus on Star Wars now.

Saturday we drove out to my mom's. She decided to have her family Christmas party a week early so we're not all trying to figure out how to fit things in. It was a good time. We had dinner and spoiled my niece and nephew who stole the day with just being adorable. It's always a great thing to watch kids you love enjoy Christmas.

Sir attempted to fix her computer, but it would require a soldering iron and more skill than he believes he has. We're not even sure how she accomplished such damage, or that fixing it would be possible with a better professional or worth it. We're thinking that computers might just be beyond her abilities. I love her, but the woman is a nightmare with electronics. She does have a wireless router, so we're thinking of getting her a tablet so she can go on "The Facebook". That's really all she does with her computer anyway.

Sunday we took my brother Christmas shopping so he could pick things up for his wife and kiddos without their knowledge. Since he lives in the Bronx, he doesn't have a car, so us being there was convenient and lucky for him.

When we finally got back home, Sir comes out of the bathroom with this apparatus dangling from his fingers:

"Bitch... explain."

"...What?"

"Bitch, explain what this is for and why you have it."

"Um... it's the cover for my curling iron?"

"...oh."

Sir thought it was some type of penis bondage device that I planned on surprise-using on him. Um, no, but I guess I can see where he's coming from. I didn't think about it before but it does have that type of appearance. But I would never just spring something like that on him; even with our (my) struggles lately, I wouldn't overstep my role like that. And if I were going to do that, I don't think I'd leave it casually laying around in the bathroom.

But it was pretty funny.

Tomorrow Sir is taking me for oral surgery. I'm having a tooth extracted and will be extremely loopy. I'm just sitting here waiting for the Valium to kick in so I am calm enough to sleep. Dental things are one of my big fears.

An Epiphany

Unplanned struggling again last night. He bound my arms and attached them to my chain.

Then he goes to put his fingers on/in me.

I hate that. I have a really hard time with receiving fingering/oral. Some kind of embarrassment about my vagina I guess. So I struggled. Not well with my hands kept around my neck.

He won, of course. But before he did he was a bit exasperated.

Him: "What am I going to do with you? I just don't know what to do with you."

Me: "... I think that's the problem."

I shouldn't fight so much. I know this. I don't plan on it. I don't sit there and say to myself, at 11:47 pm I am going to make his life difficult. It's just been hard for me to accept and let go. How can I sit here and say I want more, but then resist? I don't even understand myself I guess. But I suppose I need him to put me in my place. Fight for what he wants. Show me he means business, I guess?

I do serve him in other ways, and I suppose I need to remind myself that it's not all failures. Even though I feel grey in a colorful world, we're doing okay. I've been home since my job is on winter hiatus. I've been slowly cleaning the house and getting it back in order for us since I'd done nothing in the 4 months since my dad passed. I decorated for the holidays. I finished organizing the office and my little nook. I've helped him study for his exams, drilling him with flashcards. Brought him tea and baked him cookies when he's studying. Got up in the dark with him every morning to make him breakfast and prepare his lunch for the day (and then go back to sleep). Picked out and purchased Christmas gifts for his family. Sent Christmas cards to his extended family from him.

Maybe the issue isn't what we are or aren't doing, but more how I feel. Or don't feel. I know the healing process takes time, but it's hard when you're so entrenched in it to be able to see the other side.

Punishment and Being Vanilla

Twice this week I've been punished for not remembering to put my chain back on when re-entering our home. I've had cornertime as a punishment. I'm trying to work on feeling contrite and wanting to do better. It's a struggle, honestly. I feel more annoyed that I'm being punished than anything. Though, as long as it modifies my behavior, I guess the punishment is doing its job.

When I was punished, Sir handcuffed me to my collar chain and had me stand in the corner. After several minutes of this I just up and decided to sit and then lay on the floor. He didn't say that I could or couldn't. He could see me. He didn't stop me. My back and feet hurt from the massive amount of walking we had done earlier (we went to a holiday program for the public at my job and then Christmas Shopping).

He let me lay there like the pathetic puddle that I was and then had me get up. He said he just didn't want to fight me on every little thing. I guess because I was still essentially where he put me, and I couldn't get the cuffs off, his point was made.

He said he wasn't going to ask me if I was going to forget again, since we both know the answer. I do feel like I need to remember. I think part of it is 4 months of vanilla. I'm literally having to re-learn everything. Another thing is that I'm off. I'm home and I'm not usually going anywhere so I'm not getting "practice" putting it back on when entering the house. Maybe I need to make sure I leave the house everyday, even for just a little bit. It's still nice weather despite being mid-December in central Pennsylvania, so I'd have to take my chain off; can't really hide it under a winter coat. This week it was 70 degrees!

A lot of this sounds even to my own ears like excuses, and perhaps they are. Maybe I just need to get over myself. Get over feeling sorry for myself. Get over this slump of depression (though that's easier said than done). Sir and I spoke and we thought about when I first started wearing the collar in the house all the time last year. I forgot a lot back then. But over time that shifted to remembering nearly all the time. Hopefully this experience will also go this way.

Earlier this week, Sir tried to initiate sex, and I fought him. Not hard, just physical resisting. He asked me if he should stop trying, and I thought about it and finally said, "No. I think I just wanted to feel the struggle." I wanted to feel him overpower me.

We talked about it and I think its just that we've been having an awful lot of vanilla sex lately. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I want... more. I think I am ready for more. Right before he started in on me, I had asked him where our toybag was. I feel like I've been "hinting" about it. Not quite hinting, because I know that many men do not get subtlety. But making statements like that I feel like are obvious. I don't want to just come out there and tell him specifically what to use.

Some people have said that he is probably waiting to see if I'm ready for more, and that I need to show him that I am. When we talked, that's not really the thing. He just really hasn't been thinking about it lately. I guess being vanilla for months has an effect on him too.

I guess I need to work on not being punished, and following the rules, while encouraging us to get our kinky sex life back on. And he has to work on being more present, mentally. He's been having a very stressful time in his program lately, and I get that. I guess I don't want to add to his stress by being needy or pushy. I'm trying not to be as high-maintenance (attention-wise) as I usually am.

As a small victory, last night we came in from a Holiday Party for my work and and I DID remember to put my chain back on without his prompting or being punished. So, perhaps there is a light here; I can do this, it will just take time.