Headspace Rituals

How do you mentally prepare yourself to meet your Dominant? Whether you live with that person, or not, do you have some sort of ritual to get yourself into the right headspace?

If you do live with your Dominant, I think having something to recenter yourself could be important. Though you would be 24/7 and there would be less of a line between your public and private selves, there must be times where it is necessary to remind yourself of your role.

If you do not live with your Dominant, I think this is even more key. When not with them, you’re often forced to play the dominant role in your own life. Things that you would defer to them, you deal with yourself. In the workplace or in the home, you’re often in the driver’s seat, and when it comes time to give that up and take the role that you want to take with them, it can be really difficult to switch gears.

I’d been having a bit of a problem with remembering to say “Sir”. I’ve been getting so much better lately. I have noticed that sometimes I forget to respond if its not a direct question, like thanking Sir for unexpected praise. Or sometimes I will comply to his command, but silently. I’ve been working on addressing him every time he commands me to do something, and thanking him when he praises me. Praise embarrasses me a little bit, so I suppose I get shy and quiet, which I’m working to change.

A bit ago, MagnusCattus made a suggestion of having a ritual for when I meet my Sir. That way I’m getting into the correct headspace before we meet, and I’m not working to switch gears once I do finally get to see him. Though I’ve not gotten formal instructions from my Sir, I have developed a mini ritual before I see him.

When possible, I like to take care of my personal appearance before I meet with my Sir. Sometimes, this is not always possible; if I meet him directly after work, I don’t have time to go home and prepare. I should come up with something else for those situations. When I’m home, I like to bathe before we meet. I like to prepare my body for him. Besides getting clean, I shave for him. Typically, I don’t go completely shaven; I usually let it grow a bit and then make a small patch. But his preference is for me to be completely clean shaven down there, and so I comply. Each time I prepare myself for him, I am focused on his desires, and his wants. I am focused on serving him, instead of myself. So in a small way, I am preparing myself mentally as well for meeting him.

This is just one small thing that I’ve noticed that has helped me. What are some things that you do?

Losing Self

Long time…

I feel like I've sort of dropped off the face of the planet. I’ve been working 2 jobs, 6 days a week, often for 12+ hour days. When I am home, I usually just drop into bed. I’m overworked, overtired, stressed, and sick. I don’t know how Sir has been dealing with this lately; he’s been so kind and patient. He’s been my rock.

Our chosen lifestyle has taken a little bit of a backseat lately because all of this. I’m always running, and our time together is very limited. Even so though, he’s been wonderful. It’s amazing to have someone that is there for you. That will order you to sleep, because its what you need, and you’d likely forgo it otherwise. Lately, his Dom role has been mainly in taking care of me. Making sure I sleep, get my work done, and take care of myself. And sometimes, I really need that. A Dom’s role is to take care of his submissive, and I am definitely the kind of person that doesn’t take care of herself all the time. When I am working and trying to get ahead, things slip. I’ll not sleep so I can get things done. As a result, I’ve been a bit of a bear to be around lately, I feel. But Sir can calm that down in a way that others can’t, and I think some of that is due to our dynamic. Some of it is just intrinsically him. I’m not sure when things will calm down in my working world, not for months at least, but I feel much better knowing he is looking out for us.

He keeps me grounded, and keeps me from losing myself. I'm throwing so much of myself into everything and everyone else lately, that sometimes I feel like I'm losing me. He is always there to remind me of who I am, and keep me on the right track.

Thank you, Sir. I love you, and I'm counting down the days until our vacation!

What Happened to Being Respectful?

Whatever happened to basic politeness and human decency?

Sure, I know many people who do normal courteous things, like saying "please" or "thank you". I know people who open doors for others. But what happens to people when they're dating?

Before I met Sir, I went out on a date with a few men. These men were utterly ridiculous. Rude, miserly, too overtly sexual, outright disrespectful (one man commented on his odds in the room we were in; there were a lot of ladies, and that was his LEAST disrespectful remark of the night).

Whatever happened to getting to know a person before trying a physical relationship? Sir didn't even kiss me until our third or fourth date, and even then it was on the cheek. It made me stop and take notice. He was different than other men. He was completely polite and respectful. He held my hand, he held doors. We went places where we could talk and get to know each other. He was interested in getting to know me as a person. He didn't try to jump into my pants right away.

I'm just thinking about this because I was out with a friend of mine today, and she was telling me about a guy she is seeing. He takes her out on dates. He holds the door for her. He walks her to her door at the end of the night. He finally kissed her on the 6th date. This was freaking her out. "He's being too nice, something must be wrong."

Actually, this guy is being a gentleman and treating a lady as she should be treated. He's trying to get to know her as a person.

How crazy is it that we now live in a society where basic courtesy is something that we stand up and take notice of? Where a man treating a lady with respect is now seen with a bit of suspicion?

Love and Expectations - Can They Be Meshed?

Can you reasonably attach a love value to a task or expectation? e.g. "If you loved me, you would [blank]..."

Or...

"I love you."

"But not enough to remember [blank]...?"

I think in most conventional vanilla relationships, the answer is definitely a blanket "No".

But in a D/s relationship, I think it gets harder.

Upon Googling this issue, I came across some articles discussing this. One of them has some questions to ask.

It seems to me that the problems I'm reading with "If you loved me, you would do X", stem from a perceived inequality in the relationship. There isn't an equal give and take. Someone feels like they're doing more work than another, are not getting what they want/need, etc.

But in a D/s relationship, the parameters are set up differently. One side gives more and the other takes more. Yes, it's not 100% one way or the other ALL the time, but there is an inherent inequality in power and structure.

Another article gives the idea that "If you loved me..." really means that needs aren't being met and a punishment is trying to be given for that to control the situation. Tricky, tricky.

There is a different set of parameters for providing for needs and punishments for bad behaviors that in a vanilla relationship just don't work in the "If you loved me" context.

However despite all that, I still don't believe that it works for a D/s relationship either. It's a tricky situation, because the relationship is set up much differently. But I feel that love is too strong a feeling to be manipulated like that. Especially in a D/s relationship. The feelings are so much more intense that falling from that brings much more hurt. I think it can also be difficult because some of setting up a D/s context is psychological so its a fine line to decide and walk on, one that can really have a bad result. I just don't think a non purposeful negative behavior can healthily be tied into love for another. Obviously if you do something on purpose, that's a different story.

When someone forgets to do something (like remembering to say Sir), it's not because they don't love you enough. Saying so can be very hurtful to the person, especially if they feel they truly do have strong feelings of love. Now the person feels hurt because they're wondering why it's not enough. What could be wrong with them? Why aren't you seeing that they DO love you? Not remembering has nothing to do with love. It just creates a mess for your relationship.

I think its best to avoid tying love for someone into their performance or actions (especially if its not something done purposefully) whether you're in a D/s relationship or not. It can really hurt them and the relationship if not addressed.

Obviously, this issue is something that was prompted by my real life experience. The other night, I didn't say, "Sir" after saying, "I love you, too."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"... but not enough to remember Sir?"

I immediately had an awful reaction.

"But that's not right! I do love you and its not fair!...etc"

The statement was immediately retracted by Sir and he said that it was wrong of him to say that. I began to cry because I do love him. In all honesty, I have such strong feelings for him sometimes that it amazes me. I really never thought that I would feel strongly like this for anyone, ever again. I thought that there was possbily something wrong with me; that I was "broken" because I was just so cynical of relationships, and those feelings wouldn't form. Now, maybe I was just meeting the wrong guys. Or maybe I wasn't getting what I needed as a submissive person to feel fulfilled in these relationships. Either way, this has been such a blessing in my life that to have it questioned just rattled me to the core.

He agreed that to question my love for him in that manner was wrong. It was also a bit of a miscommunication in that he was trying to say something else. I can see why its a tricky situation, but I'm glad we're on the same page now.

Subtle Public Submission

Thinking about the Ren Faire, it's a great place where one living the lifestyle can be a little freer, without anyone being the wiser. The dress typically seen there is such that many BDSM related clothing won't receive a second glance. Plus, I can ask "My Lord" a question, or see how "Sir" is, and no one will bat an eyelash.

Are there other places you can think of where subtle submission is publicly possible without others really being aware of it?