It was actually pretty difficult for me to stay awake that long. Even when I go to bed late, its usually 30 minutes or less past the appointed time. Habitually going to bed at that time has put expectations on my body, and it expected to sleep. I started the evening by trying to be productive. I was going to tidy my room and fold and put away my clothing. But as the only seating and large flat surface in my room is the bed, I abandoned that activity because the temptation of my bed, sitting down and perhaps accidentally falling asleep was too great. Instead, I sat myself at the computer and started catching up on all the blogs on my list that I’ve been neglecting for months (I am nearly caught up with all of you – I’ve been reading on and off for days now). I figured that if I’m not going to be productive around the house, I could at least engage in an activity that furthers my submissive goals. Plus, I miss you all and what you have to say; I often feel very isolated in my submission and this blog world makes me feel part of an accepted community, which I’ve realized is something that I need (not just want).
A few times, even in that uncomfortable chair I felt myself nearly falling asleep. I’d get up and walk a little bit around the house. I’d have a glass of soda (which Sir said was okay, but no coffee). I’d open a window to let the cold air in. Then my mom (who was visiting) wondered what I was still doing up, and decided to keep me company. I just told her I was messing about on the computer. Well, she sat there with me and talked my ear off for hours. Two o’clock came and went, and I tried quite politely to see myself off to no avail. Forty minutes later, I managed to break away gracefully and headed into bed.
I really had no truthful explanation that I was comfortable with giving to my parent as to why I was awake. Her being at my home is a rarity, but this just emphasized how alone I do feel sometimes. I can’t publicly be who I really am, or who I want to be. I am not ready to deal with questions and judgement. Add this to the fact that I actually have a pretty strained relationship with my mom (though I don’t think she understands this) I just don’t feel comfortable trusting her. Or nearly anyone else for that matter.
Well, after I did manage to break away from my mom, avoid explanations and get some sleep, the next day was pretty awful. I did sleep for about 8 hours, but I was still tired all day long. I had a constant ache in my puffy eyes and I was just dragging ass all day. I also had work that evening. By some miracle, they let me out an hour early, and I didn’t need to ask Sir for his permission to be up late. Thank goodness, because I was exhausted.
This experience made me wonder how it would be different if breaking this rule were punished on a weekday, when I get up around 6:30 am. Sir did mention that he was getting very annoyed that I wasn’t taking the bedtime seriously enough, and changing it was trying to make me appreciate having it, and why it was there. He’s right. I should remember how dysfunctional and exhausted I was, and be happy that Sir is taking my well-being into account (which I am; it makes me feel submissive and cherished). He said that if I am late without his prior knowledge again, he WILL be punishing me, and it WILL be on a weekday, and it WILL be for longer than 2 am. While I do think the immediacy and consistency is just what I need, that would SUCK.
I had better be a good girl.