Sometimes when I mess up, it’s because of forgetfulness, or because of circumstances out of my control. But lately, it’s been… not quite deliberate, not quite planned, but I’m certainly aware and I’m apathetic. I finally admitted as much to Sir, and writing it here does put a knot in my stomach. That’s wrong. Sir takes care of me and has rational and reasonable rules for my well-being. But I suppose by not enforcing those rules for what feels like quite some time, it made me feel like they didn’t matter. So I didn’t follow. And nothing happened. So I stopped caring.
Accountability is a tough thing. Yes, it’s Sir’s responsibility to make sure that I’m on track, and to correct me if I’m not, but it’s also my responsibility to acknowledge when I’m not following the rules. I need to work to get myself back to where I need to be, or I need to ask for help. And I suppose when the case is apathy, it’s help that I need. If I were forgetful, I could take measures to provide a reminder. But how does one correct their own apathy?
I’ve read a bit about apathy and some say apathy is caused by a feeling powerless. If one is powerless, why care? But in D/s – I choose to give up that power and control. So why am I feeling apathetic? I’m guessing that its mostly non-D/s outside forces poking their head in and pulling me in a few different directions. Making me anxious and taking my focus. I need a reboot, perhaps.