Sunday, June 03, 2018

Life is Low

Sometimes it can be hard for me to appreciate the good. Right now I just feel like life is hard and we're constantly getting shit on. Just when things seem to be on the up, it's time for them to come back down.

In no particular order:

1. My knee still sucks. Hopefully it will be healed in 3 weeks.
2. Sports... is just not happening right now for me. And if I do heal it will be months to catch up.
3. Sir and I are moving. While this is good, its really stressful.
4. My freaking car straight up died on Wednesday. Abruptly and without warning. The engine is likely blown. I had it towed to Sir's mechanic on Thursday night. He still hasn't looked at it. I'm hoping he gets to it Monday.
5. I am now getting up even more ass-early than I do everyday so I can drop Sir off at work first, then go to work myself. I pick him up after my shift ends, and he has to wait a half hour everyday after his shift for me to do so. We are exhausted.
6. If my engine IS blown, we have no money prepared to get a new car right now, and our work schedules will not line up so we can handle life with one car forever.  We have some money saved, but it was supposed to go to the move.
7. My grandmother is dying and has days, maybe weeks to live. I was supposed to go see her today, probably for the last time. Nope, that's not happening.
8. I love my mother, but she is just... a lot to deal with. On a good day. On bad ones where she's crabby because of her back, she's still grieving my father, and now add her mother dying to the list... and she's started drinking everyday again... It's a lot for me to try and deal with her.

It's not ALL bad though, and I really need to remember that.

1. My knee IS making progress. I can now bend it a little. I couldn't do that before.
2. Sports... will still be there. Everyone is super awesome, it is just me and my own head that feels inadequate.
3. The move will make our commutes shorter and our lives easier!
4. The car.. well I don't really have an upside for that. At least I made it nearly all the way home before it died?
5. At least Sir has a job that is kind of on the way to my job. At least our work schedules are currently lining up so we CAN get by with one car, even if it is inconvenient. If Sir was still working at his old job, one car would not be feasible and I don't know what we would do. I guess I would be renting, with money we don't really have.
6. My mother offered to lend me money to put a down payment on a new car, if need be. She said that for once in her life, she is in a position where she can help, unlike any other time in her life before. So there's that.
7. Maybe I will still get to see my grandmother before she goes. If not, at least she won't be suffering anymore. She is terminally ill and in a lot of pain. She also doesn't really want anyone to see her like that, but its hard to know she is going to leave the earth and NOT want to see her.
8. At least I still have my mother, issues and all. Not many people have a parent left.

And I still have a roof over my head, food in the house, a job to support us that I generally like, and family and friends to love and be loved by. And Sir. Sir is my... everything.

So, shit is hard right now, but hopefully it will turn out okay. I need to not throw myself a pity party and just keep swimming. In the meantime, I am dealing by using my favorite coping mechanism: eating whatever the fuck I want lately.

Hopefully when this all settles I'll be back for Fit for Fridays, and blogland in general.

8 comments:

  1. I have been where you are. Of course the list was different, but I have been there. It is so difficult to manage to choose to see the positive when you feel like the world is conspiring against you.

    As lame as this sounds, I had started the Gratitude Meditation each morning. I would be thankful for 'fresh' things, ie putting sugar in my coffee and the ability to stir it. Crazy sounding I know. But it worked. I was able to build on those little things- starting off positive as opposed to being positive to counteract the negative.

    Anyway, I hope the universe decides to show you why some of these trying things happened in your life soon. I am truly sorry to hear about your Grandmother- though envious you had her so long <3

    willie

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  2. Hi Lea, oh gosh, life is really pilling in on you at the moment! I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much right now and so very sorry to hear about your Grandmother.

    I love your second list. It's great that you can see some positives to every situation. Crossing fingers that your car is fixable. I really hope things even out for you soon.

    Sending positive vibes and lots of (((hugs)))

    Roz

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  3. OH i think we can all relate to feeling "low" at certain points in life. Hopefully we'll always be able to see the good in our lives, like you have. In sharing this, you've also shared a wonderful *kick in my butt* reminder to stop being negative and look at the glass half full too. I hope things get better for you soon!

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  4. Hi Lea,

    This is the first time I've commented on your blog, but I just had to in light of this post. It is really inspiring that with so much . . . stuff coming down on you right now, you were able to come up with seven-ish positives. That shows an enormous pool of strength and character. Thank you for that example.

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  5. Hi Lea ... you sure do have a pile of worries on your plate but good for you that you're able to turn it around and look at the positives. That mental approach will go along way to helping you get back on track. ... nj... xx

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  6. That is a lot being thrown at you all at once..HUGS...good for you for making a positive list. Keep breathing..and hang in there..hugs abby

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  7. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not surprising that you're feeling a bit low. That's a lot to deal with. It just is. Having had knee issues myself, I can really relate to that part of it - oh plus I've had a car blow the head gasket - two cars actually, so yeah. It's pretty cool that you were still able to come up with some positive things. Although I'm not a huge "you gotta think positive" kind of person (I think you need to feel whatever you feel without holding on to it or pushing it away...) but it IS helpful to find things to be be grateful for or to appreciate. So yay for you! Good luck with the car stuff, and everything else! <3

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  8. Sending you love and hugs Lea, it's good to be a glass half full kind of girl but it's also ok to not be ok. I hope life turns around soon!

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