Saturday, April 08, 2017

This Is Why I'm Not Out About My Kink

This winter, I spent my time visiting friends and family. I had recently reconnected with a childhood friend; someone I've known since I was in diapers. In college we had a falling out and we drifted apart, but we reconnected when she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding this past summer.

We had a pretty nice visit. She is a homeopathic doctor, and I work outdoors in nature, so we were connecting this way. Over the course of the visit, she asked me some pretty specific questions; questions that I suppose were related to her unofficial diagnosis of me in her head. I realize that for some people turning that part of themselves off is difficult. I have known her my entire life, and I know that her heart is in the right place. So I decided to disclose the truth about the nature of my relationship with Sir to her, especially if she was using the information to have some kind of medical idea about me in her head.

Though she didn't get angry, and we didn't have a fight or anything like that, she made it pretty clear that my kink was not okay. She believes that she can cure me of it. She believes that because of my traumatic childhood, I have sought out kink as a coping mechanism; that if I had a "normal" childhood, I would not need kink.

I explained my views on that pretty thoroughly to her, and let her know that her beliefs, especially as a medical professional, would likely offend many kink clients she may have. She has apparently "cured" a client of kink in the past, and they had mixed feelings in the aftermath about it.

My childhood was not ideal, but I don't feel that overall, I have been traumatized by it. I've worked through it and I'm pretty okay. It certainly could have been worse. I don't feel that I use kink to cope.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I don't need to be cured.

This isn't the first time I've come up against backlash; but I suppose it hurts more coming from a person I've known nearly my entire life, and a person that has dedicated her life to homeopathy. To holistic healing, and to helping people. I figured if anyone would understand, it would be her.


  1. Hi Lea, reading through this I was so happy you had reconnected with your friend, but I'm so sorry you got the reaction you did when you were honest and open with her. You are right, you do not need 'curing.


  2. Yes it is upsetting to have one who you were close to, who you thought would understand, to have this negative reaction. I am sure she means well and cares about you and is perhaps worried because of her own lack of understanding and preconceptions. It might be that if she truly does have an open mind that if you are able to talk about it more then she may come to understand better the nature of your relationship with Sir and how this helps and supports you. We can never know what aspects of our childhood and upbringing make us the people we are. Who knows, it is more than likely that some of your early experiences will have influenced you, your perceptions, desires and decisions on what are your needs and what fulfils you. That doesn't mean you need to be "cured" but that you have found what works for you. Perhaps in time she may come to understand that and to be able support you in the decisions you have made. I do hope so.

    Good luck

    P xx

  3. Hi Lea, Sorry your friend had this reaction to your confession. Maybe she needs to read more information and educate herself about this life style to realise its not something which needs curing. Its a wonderful way to live and the closeness it brings to us all.

    Good luck!

    Hugs Lindy xx

  4. The same happened to me with someone I'd been best friends with for 15 years. She told me that I needed to have my head checked and that I was crazy. She is not my friend anymore. I stopped talking to her from then on. Sad but eh... it's life.


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