Earning the Bed

This weekend I was able to earn sleeping in a bed with Sir. Just the bed. Unless I was in the bed, I had to stay on the floor, or stand. Sir made it pretty clear to me that he did not relish the thought of spending another night alone in his bed while I was so very close. But he hasn't come up with anything specific as to how I could earn my way into his bed. That is very frustrating to me; to have goals and restrictions but no clear way to earn them. It's the same with his mark. It's hard to go about earning something with no guidelines. I suppose "be the best submissive to me that you can be" is the best guideline I have, but I need a LOT of work. It's daunting.

On the other hand, it does put responsibility on me to be more active in my submission and to think of ways to be more pleasing, submissive, and of better service. So it may work, if I can be conscientious and creative and constantly coming up with ideas. I fear I will run out or not be able to think on my feet. Earning the bed was a one-time thing. I will have to earn it again each time, until forever or such a time as Sir deems otherwise.

I knew I had to come up with something pretty good so that I could make both Sir and myself happy, and earn sleeping with him in his bed. So I thought for a few minutes and came up with something. I wanted it to be a very obvious act; not subtle. I wanted it to be something that I wouldn't necessarily like so that I could show Sir that I was serious. I think an act can have more meaning behind it if you know someone is struggling. Doing something that is easy doesn't make a grand gesture.

Before I move on, it's important to know that I was on my cycle. That's not meant to be TMI; it's integral to the gesture. I was not feeling glamorous or attractive. Even when I'm not on my cycle I have some body acceptance issues, as many women do.

Sir left the room for a few minutes. I wish that he'd done that naturally, but I basically asked him to. I then stripped myself of all my clothes, and took a kneeling position on the floor. I made sure to spread my legs wide, and place my hands palm up on my thighs. I felt extremely vulnerable, nervous, self conscious of my body, both outside and in.

Then I waited. And waited. And waited. It was honestly only a few minutes, but it felt like an hour to me. Finally Sir came in. I could almost feel my stomach quivering with nerves. He honestly seemed surprised, but I couldn't tell if he was pleased or not. He said he was...impressed, and that I'd obviously done some reading. I did my best to service my Sir to his wishes, and afterwards we had a talk about headspace and reasons.

He informed me that he was extremely pleased with my choice, and that seeing me in that position was quite hot! I picked that pose because I'd read about it, and it seemed like one that showed my submissiveness. Kneeling is also difficult for me; I need to practice. Having my legs open, even on a normal day makes me uncomfortable, even more so under the circumstances. I was initially at a loss in where to place my hands, but I liked the idea of having them face up. They're open and ready for anything he would wish of them, rather than closed, flat, or inaccessible. He did think to himself upon entering the room that I must have been really uncomfortable both physically and mentally, and he was right... but I wanted to offer that part of myself to him... it was part of the gesture.

And after it all, Sir let me have a nice bath with my book and I got to tuck into bed beside him and cuddle to sleep! What shall I do to earn my place beside him next time?

Earning, Marks, Punishments

Sir has been much more rigid with me lately... and I need it. I've been slipping, and I need his guidance and control more than ever. I can see him working hard to be the man I need him to be. I've been overwhelmed with work and my home life, and as a result, I've not posted when I should, and I missed a few bedtimes (that I owned up to). In the past, he'd not notice things like that, but he's been more observant, and checks up more.

I now have to send him a photo of my bed (that must be in sleeping shape) every night. I've been lax with that also (though my bed has been kept in shape) He also got me a giant phonebook, and told me to purchase a notebook. I have to copy from that phonebook when I'm being punished. I did 40 minutes today for a myriad of things, and let me tell you, it sucked. Being on the floor in my restrictive collar doing lines really did a number on me. We'll see how it goes for the future.

In the spirit of earning things, I am not permitted furniture in his home until I have earned it. Last night I slept on the floor. He was nice enough to get me an air mattress because of my awful back, but it was bad enough to be 3 feet from him, but alone. I have to earn sleeping in a bed, or using the couch (I sit on the floor). I'm not sure what I have to do to earn it, however. When we were in Pennsylvania, I was particularly and immediately attentive to his needs (drawing his bath, getting his food, giving him a massage, etc. coming in after a long day) and I earned the bed because of it.

Sir also decided that he wants to mark me...permanently. Not permanent now, but in the future. He had an idea that I could earn a piece of his mark, and eventually over the course of time it would be complete. Then he wanted it tattooed on me. I don't mind the idea of the mark, but I do not like the idea of it getting tattooed. At all. I know its not until the future, but it makes me really anxious. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know what it takes to earn it (though I earned one line of it thus far). I don't like the position of it, were it to be tattooed (my left breast). Tattoos are art, and what if I don't like the art? I'm one that is usually very anti-significant other tattoos. This wouldn't be an issue for quite some time, but I'm still nervous about it.

In the meantime, Sir also presented me with the lovely leather bracelet pictured above. It is to serve as my mini collar, that way I have a reminder of who I am, always. I love the idea behind it, but it does take getting used to. I have to remove it to shower, wash my hands, etc. Sometimes, I forget to put it back on after I do so, which is a big no-no. It can also get stuck to my skin when I'm working outside in 90 degree weather. I'm also always looking at it like it's a watch, or grasping at it to use as a scrunchie, and it's neither of those things. I think in a few weeks we'll see how used to it I am.

Back to the floor for me. Sir allowed me to sit in this wooden chair so I could reach the keyboard to post, but he made sure my ass was smarting before he let me sit down!

Sir is Stepping it Up

Camping 2 weeks ago with my friend was just what I needed, I think. I was away from everything - job, emails, phone, other people. Even Sir. Being away from him really helped me think about things. He has definitely been trying to step it up, and I can see his efforts.

Sir says that I am a really low-maintenance girlfriend, but a high-maintenance submissive. I asked him what that means, and in our vanilla life, it's really easy to make me happy. I don't want expensive things, I'm not interested in what he has; cars, objects, etc. I just want to spend time with him, whether that means being in the house watching a DVD, taking a walk, or going out to a concert or pub, etc. But as a submissive, he feels that I need a lot more attention, and I'm constantly craving more - I need to be controlled at all times. I suppose that's true. I flourish under his hand. But when I'm not taken to task for breaking rules, or neglecting things, or not given tasks in the first place, I get very bratty, unruly, and rebellious. It's true. Sir is good at handling me in person, but when we're not together every day, that's where it gets harder. So we're working on that part, and trying to work in seeing each other more for the rest.

My friend who I went camping with is aware of our true relationship. It was refreshing not to have to hide things from her, like why I go to bed at a certain time, why I'm wearing what I am and the like. She even kept a watchful eye over me, making sure I was following known rules for Sir. It did help, and it was nice not to have to dissemble.

I hope Sir endeavors to keep a tighter hand on me. I should be wary saying that.

Be careful what you wish for!

50 Shades of Grey: A Personal Review

So, I broke down on my camping trip and read the first installment of Fifty Shades of Grey. The following is from an actual email I sent to a friend in response:


Okay, I finished the first book when I was camping. I started the second because of spite, and hope that it gets better.

I hope Anastasia Steele dies in a fire. If she says "oh my" one more time, I'm gonna want to take a pen to my temple. On the other hand, every time I see it, I hear her say it in the voice of George Takei. <3


Also, her fucking INNER GODDESS? How many times does that need to be referenced? Between that and her subconscious (which I don't want to even touch; if its your subconscious, you shouldn't be so aware of it, bitch), I think this chick may have a legit multiple personality disorder. I'm sorry, do all of us have an Inner Goddess? If so, I honestly hope that mine has something better to do than bat sultry eyelashes around, pout, or wear a cheerleader outfit until something sexy happens. Isn't your Inner Goddess supposed to be about being a strong confident woman? The only time that seems to happen is when she "one-ups" Grey with her "smart mouth".

And how damnably hot can that mouth be anyway? ANYTIME she bites that lip, this dude springs a boner and can't control himself. What are you, a 15 year old boy? And, every single time? Get some control. I bet that lips gonna be real hot when she's got the flu; biting her chapped skin with a runny nose. Still find that hot? Hope you like kissing her while mucus coats your face.

I'm also sick of hearing about how Christian Grey's sexy beauty is the model of perfection; the creator of rainbows, unicorns, bacon and all things wonderful. Fuck. That. Doesn't this man have any other pleasing qualities? Also - self esteem. Get some. We all have our days, but goddamn.

And being a virgin? I mean, don't get me wrong. Cute virgin gets corrupted by hot Dom is totally my thing, but can it at least be believable? You have no experience but can now have 20 orgasms a day and you're just a little sore? FUCK THAT SHIT. Can we trade vaginas? I don't see [Sir] for just one week and I'm feeling it.

Christian Grey is like Edward Cullen for bored housewives that actually want to read about sex. And the BDSM stuff.... the sex scenes were okay. Some were like, KINDA hot, but overall meh. And the tampon pulling out thing? Uh, gross. Also, learn science. Pregnancy can happen when your gal is bleeding too. I heard she has a baby in the later books. Big surprise there if that's true.

He's a shitty Dom, and a control freak. I like being controlled, but if you're gonna have a contract, fucking stick to it. You can't have a D/s relationship without guidelines. You wont talk, she wont talk, the entire first book has no real talking about what’s going on in the "Red Room of Pain" *Ugh*, and you're supposed to have a relationship? You stalk her like you're a PI and its supposed to be romantic. Edward Cullen creeps up into Bella's room to watch her sleep. He buys her extravagant gifts to protect her, and shows up randomly to save her out of nowhere. Hey, 50 shades - Twilight called and they want their "plot" back.

He likes control but he can't control himself around her. I know it's supposed to be hot, because women like the idea of a man who finds them so irresistible that they can't help themselves, but in a D/s relationship, a man needs to be strong. He needs to follow through. He can't purposely mindfuck/actually fuck people into what he wants - that's abuse. And even WITH the sex, it IS abuse.

And what gets me most of all is the idea that someone has to be 'fucked up' to be into this kinda thing. Something has to have happened; something needs to be wrong with them. Even the author says so, and she says she hadn't really researched BDSM stuff. I know she had to research SOMETHING because the contract actually looks pretty legit to things I've seen. But everything else, ah shit dude. I don't even know what to do.

The last thing I'm gonna rage about here is what made Ana run. She asked to be punished, and she got it. What I was reading, well honestly, it didn't even sound that bad. She made it sound like beat the shit out of her. Like he cracked a whip in her face and she had lacerations, like he cut her, like he burned her. There's way more fucked up shit that could have gone on there. She gets some swats, and runs like a little bitch.

The only thing I liked about that whole scene is that it made me think even more about how vanilla people view us. People need to get over themselves. On the other hand, every vanilla person that I've heard bashing the series or putting it down, CANNOT STOP READING it. These ladies at the school I was working in drove me fucking insane with the shit they would say every day at lunch for their book club, but they couldn't put it down, could they?

I'm continuing reading, mostly for the hope of sexy fantasy fodder. With the right scenario and trust, some of that could be hot.

/rant

-Lea