Vacation!

I am so excited for vacation! I'll be gone for a week camping in upstate NY with a friend and her family. Sir says I can have the week off from writing. Now I don't have to worry about trying to write from the middle of the woods.

Last night Sir was here to visit, and ensure I cleaned and packed. I was dead tired, and only lasted until 8:30. I was definitely keeping him on his toes - being difficult, being rebellious, not listening, forgetting protocol. It's not like I planned it, but even I could see that I wasn't behaving. I have a week to relax and recharge and when I come back, I'm going to Sir's the next morning if possible. I wonder what he'll have in store by then!

Being a Little

Sir has decided that I should write three times a week. I know some people out there write daily or even several times a day, but for me, 3 times a week is a lot. I am concerned about not having enough material, about being boring, or not having enough time to properly write about the topics I think are good.

Sir said I was rebelling a bit last night, via phone. I was reading my blogroll, trying to get inspired and play catch up, as ever, and I came across a post about being little on Cherie's blog.

While I don't wholly like the idea of ageplay or babyplay, I do like indulging my little side. Its fun for me. But I think I become a bit bratty when I do so. I don't want to call The Dirty Old Man "daddy" or anything like that, but I do get some satisfaction and fulfillment from letting that side of me come out. I'm not exactly sure what Sir thinks of that situation, or how he feels. I know that he doesn't want to do a daddy/little girl thing, as I don't, which is good. I don't know how he feels about being in a nurturing or protective role at times to a 28 year old woman that behaves like she's 6 at times.

I think as time goes on, we'll find out quickly. She comes out more when "I don't wanna", and lately... I just don't wanna. At all. Ever.

I want to feel the breeze around my thighs!

I miss wearing my skirts and dresses. With going back to my "old dress" most of the time, I sort of feel like I'm having an identity crisis.

With Sir, I wear dresses and skirts. I dress to please him, and it reinforces that role. I am funny and smart and loud sometimes like always, but I can have that little girl side to me. I like his direction, and I like to feel like he is big and strong and taking care of me.

But I can be and I used to be somebody else. I'm part of a volunteer organization where I have a leadership role. There, I am loud, boisterous, slightly obnoxious at times, and always in control. I don't take shit from anybody. I attended a weekend meeting for this organization and it reminded me of that other side of myself, a side that I've rarely seen lately, as everything seems to have dropped to the wayside. I was also wearing shorts this weekend because it was at a camp and we were also doing community service to help the camp there. I probably could have worn a dress or skirt. It probably wouldn't have been remarked upon. But I do realize now that there is a fear present of what other people will think, and what they will say, and how I will be perceived if I'm wearing a dress or a skirt in the woods. I need to get over it somehow, or get more casual skirt attire that might give someone and immediate reaction.

In other news, Sir has taken my weekend away to give more thought to our relationship. He would like me to post here more often, three times a week. I'm guessing its in the hopes that I'd get my feelings out sooner, or make more time to think about the huge list of topics I have stored. Make more time for who I want to be, and figure out how to mesh her with who I am. Or transition between the two.

He's thought more about a daily ritual, but I'm not sure what its going to be yet.

I am happy that he's giving thought to this, and trying to progress. I'm also apprehensive because he's right - I'm so busy all the time, and having me do more.... I hope I can handle it. And if I'm not living up to it, and I could be, I hope he has the willpower to correct my behavior. Because i can already tell that I'm not all the way in the right mindframe, and I'm going to rebel.

Day One - Realigning

Why is it so hard to set things right? Sir and I worked it out that we would spend tonight together, come hell or high water. Initially, he was going to drive an hour to get me, an hour back to his house, and the same to take me home. In one night. I worked it out so that I could get myself to his house and stay over so there would be less driving and missed time.

So of course the universe seems to laugh. I didn't get home from work until nearly 6. I had to take a "pre-boyfriend" shower; which is longer and more intense than the 6 am 5 minute military showers I'll do in the mornings. I wanted to make sure I was nice and clean for Sir. And shaved how he likes. I also had to pack for work tomorrow and for the weekend at a volunteer camp, since I won't be going home to do so. That took...forever. We're renovating my apartment so boxes of stuff are EVERYWHERE and I couldn't get to my tent. And I couldn't leave without it. I finally get to it, get packed, fill up my tank and hit the road - it's now after 8 pm! I get to the highway and BAM! Huge construction and sitting. I really started to feel like it wouldn't even be worth the trip - I'm getting to his place after 9:30, and if we stick to my bedtime, that's an hour and a half of time together. I'd be driving more than actual time spent together. I called Sir because I was frustrated, late, and I wanted him to tell me what to do; to come or to turn around and go home. He initially said, "I don't know what to tell you," which got me frustrated, but soon he made the decision that I should continue on. And I'm happy with that. I guess I just needed to hear him say that; to give me the actual instruction.

He spent the rest of the drive talking to me (hands-free), and the time flew by. It was nice, like bonding before my arrival. We had a nice dinner, he collared me and instructed me to write this post. I'm not sure what else he actually has in store. He told me that he was going to have me on a regimented schedule tonight before our plans got shot to hell. And that I would be sleeping on the floor, cuffed to the bedposts. And that I'd have to earn my sleeping collar. I like my sleeping collar. It's comfortable and cute, and prevents me from snoring all night long like I do when I wear the big monster collar to bed. But it's already on me now; Sir told me to "move my ass" and I took that to mean the collaring position. He didn't; but maybe that's how I earned my sleeping collar? I like the idea of my having to "earn" things - sleeping collar, bed privileges (though I will probably rebel hard about having to sleep on the floor; it's going to be difficult). He mentioned that he was preparing a morning affirmations ritual for me, but that it wasn't done. He jokingly mentioned having me go to the roof of my apartment, but honestly... I like that idea. Finding time to do so might be difficult, as would climbing the 7 flights of stairs, but its really nice up there. And I bet during a sunset or sunrise it'd be very tranquil.

So I can see that Sir is taking my needs seriously, and is working to re-align us. I just wonder what else is in store!

What We Both Need

Writing that post last night was both a blessing and a curse. I knew it was a bit over the top; Sir never gets any sort of vitriol directed at him from me. He has seen me mad and upset at others while he is around, but those feelings were never directed toward him before.

But maybe he needs that. After writing what I did, which was absolutely an accurate representation of my feelings of frustration and anger that I’ve been having for quite a while, I went to bed (on time; at least I could do that). I did not text him goodnight; I just got into bed. He didn’t read my post until after I had fallen asleep and in the morning I had messages that he was disappointed in himself, and that we need to fix this ASAP, and that I was to be ready by 8pm to have a discussion. I could see why he was being so assertive; it was an immediate attempt to address the situation and provide a feeling of being controlled. But after not getting any of that for so long, I had a feeling of: “Oh, so NOW you want to tell me what to do? NOW you’re ready to be the Dom that I need, and that you said you’d be?”

On the other hand, I also had feelings of regret similar to the ones you get when you wake up hungover wishing you hadn’t done what you did, said what you said, called who you called… but you can’t take it back. And at the end of the day, this is a blog about a real D/s relationship. It’s not sunny side up all the time. And there’s no good without the bad.

It’s not one-sided. Sir has issues with me too; mainly being that I am busy ALL THE TIME. And he’s right to a degree. But looking honestly at my schedule, there’s not much I can do about the things I do pencil in there. And I feel as though he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. For the 5 things I agree to, there are another 20 that I have to decline. And some of it is work related events and the like that I really can’t just say no to.

It’s not like I purposely put things in my schedule to avoid seeing him. I also don’t think he understands WHY I’m busy – where do all these events and things to do come from? Without trying to sound like an overly conceited girl that I would hate; I have a lot of friends. Some acquaintances, but moreso a largeish close core of friends, especially from a collegiate fraternity. And I like staying in touch. So when they invite me to things, I WANT to go. It’s hard to keep in touch and keep a friendship alive as an adult, so making it to things is important to me; I feel like I let friend relationships slip through the cracks way too much.

I feel like Sir doesn’t have any “real” friends, besides me. And I feel like an insipid teenager for writing things about “twue friends”. But take his best friend – we’ve been together for a year and a half now, and I’ve never even met the guy. In the time we’ve been together, he’s seen this guy ONCE. He does have some gaming buddies, but I thought they were just people he gamed with; not had meaningful friendships with. He enlightened me a bit on that, but while I do think they’re closer than I thought, I’m still not sure it’s the same; he rarely does things with these fellows besides gaming.

He’s also a bit of a homebody. While trying to plan what we should do in North Carolina, my friend asked me what Sir would like. I had such a short list it was painful. He would like to check out the tabletop gaming scene, and he likes to go to movies. He’ll even go alone if I’m not around. That’s it. That’s all I could tell her that he does on his own. He informed me today that he wants to go to the aquarium. I thought that was purely for my benefit, but I’m pleased to know it’s a genuine interest. That being said, Sir is extremely open minded and will go to and try just about anything. But it seems hard for him to come up with things on his own. He said we have the opposite issues – I am busy all the time, and he as an overabundance of free time that we need to rectify.

We looked at my June schedule. I worked 19 days in a row that month. Besides that, I saw Sir a couple of times on the weekends, and the one weekend I actually had completely off, I took my parents out for birthdays/father’s day, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

July – the first weekend, he had a convention, and I hung out with my roommate for her birthday. The next weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party, and I took that same friend out for her birthday the day before. I could have not taken her out, being that we were going to her party. Though, I have said no to her several times because I never have time. It’s a hard balance. This weekend I have a meeting for a volunteer position I took on (The position itself is mostly online and communication, and there was no one else to fill it. Volunteering is optional, but doing the job is not. Sir and I talked about this before I took the position on; there were other positions that would have required more time commitment that I turned down). The weekend after I’m going on a week long camping trip that has been in the works for over a year now. Sir laughed last year when he saw that in my calendar; now he sees why I plan in advance.

When we return from the trip in August, I turned down a party a friend of mine is throwing, and depending on how late we get back, I’m going right to Sir's and staying over until Sunday. August is actually not that bad for Sir. Next weekend after the trip, Sir and I are going to spend a weekend together in Pennsylvania and I’ll get to meet his best friend for the first time. The weekend after that I have a family reunion in Virginia, and I somehow have to figure out how I can squeeze in the bridal dress shopping of my close friend when I’m her maid of honor. The weekend after that, I put entirely for Sir, and declined another friend’s party. And the final weekend of the summer, I’m also spending with Sir driving down to North Carolina to stay with friends/road trip/check out a potential living destination. All in all, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or bad. We also see each other at least once during the week. Once September comes, I am going to TRY my best to make sure Sir and I get at least two weekends a month to OURSELVES. It’s not enough to see each other, or attend a social function. We need extended alone time, that’s the problem here. We need time to connect, and to be able to fully be ourselves; our dynamic is not for everyone, it might make others uncomfortable, and much of it SHOULD be private, just for our intimacy’s sake. I’m hoping that having more weekend time will help, but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.

We talked about him and consistency. He says he’s going to have to be firmer with me. However, after him not being firm, I’m sure he’s going to have a time of it; I’m positive that my reaction is not going to be to just take it. I’m going to naturally rebel and he is going to have to be prepared to deal with it.

We also talked about him doing more leading. Because we live an hour apart, I’ve expressed interest to him multiple times in setting up things that we can do when we’re not together to keep our relationship going. I’ve been really diplomatic about it. But none of it’s really happened. And D/s has more and more fallen to the wayside. I just feel awful inside. On the one hand, I do think this could help us. On the other hand, he is the Dom and I am the sub and I’m not the one that is supposed to be telling him what to do. I don’t want to top from the bottom. But what we have is not working and SOMETHING needs to be done. And with all his abundant free time it frustrates me to no end that he’s not choosing to take that time to develop this, or do research or… anything. I do think about it and research when I can (which isn’t even as often as I would like). It makes me wonder sometimes if this is really for him. Is this really who he is and what he wants?

Me, I know that I want to be submissive. Sir is my first Dominant ever. And I’m not making any plans for that to be different. But if for whatever reason we were to break up tomorrow, I would NOT seek another vanilla relationship. This is what I want. This is the dynamic that I need to be happy. I try my best to seek it. But even with researching and thinking about things, I don’t feel I can be submissive if there’s nothing to submit TO.

Submission is not a natural thing for me either – In my “real” life, I’m usually very outgoing, assertive, boisterous and the like. But in relationships, being in control doesn’t work for me. I chew my men up and spit them out. I think I just can’t be with someone who can’t keep me in line. I run all over those men, and I lose respect for them ultimately. Its why I need Dominance. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been so happy, fulfilled, and in love in, when we were working at it. I thought I’d never have those intense feelings ever again.

But all this makes me wonder if Sir really is a Dominant. If this is what he needs to be happy. Yes, Sir likes aspects of kink, and I certainly think he needs those to be happy, but the Domination part? I wonder. It’s an awful lot of work, and though he has the time, he’s not putting in the work. Is it not fulfilling for him, or is it laziness? Either way, we’ve got problems. He has a hard time keeping his own life together. How can he control me if he can’t even keep his own shit together? He’s got a chronic history of not finishing things, which does bother me. Will this be one of those things in his life? I can’t let that be, but I don’t know what to do to help.

All this also makes me wonder, what is the submissive responsibility in a situation like this? Obviously it can’t ALL be on the dominant. So what is the sub role here? I can try to be supportive. I can try to offer suggestions. But if you’ve offered suggestions that haven’t been taken, and you try to be supportive of things, then what do you do? Honestly. For us, it’s taken me having a bit of a blow up on the internet of all places to be the impetus behind a much needed conversation, some of which we’ve spoken about before. It’s just hard, because I’ve talked about this before, just not with anger. Sir says that he doesn’t get “subtle”. But I’ve not been subtle, I’ve flat out given suggestions. Should I have to get an airhorn for that to work?

I’m not sure but I’m way past my bedtime (with Sir’s not only permission but demand that I write and not go to sleep until I’m done). Tomorrow we’ll meet up and I’ve been given instructions on appropriate dresses to bring. We’ll see what he comes up with to try and set a spark for re-aligning our relationship. I think my spark was my firebomb of a mouth. And now I’ll close it; it’s been flapping too much this evening.

I've had an extremely trying day at work with snotty complaining kids, multiple injuries and non-stop trips to the bathroom. Its now 9:45, I just got in after being locked out because some genius in my house put an extremely heavy bag on the inside of the doorknob so the key wouldn't turn the lock. So I had to climb into my bedroom window to get in here. I broke my curtain doing it. I was going to drink a glass of wine and relax, but guess what - the wine bottle opener has mysteriously disappeared too.

I'm supposed to write something meaningful here as a punishment for not writing on Sunday, but in the mood I'm in, I really can't be arsed. I don't feel like it, I don't even want to be doing this right now, and I kinda don't give a shit if I get punished. I want to say something snarky like "Well, I'd probably not even be punished anyway since I get away with EVERYTHING," but that would definitely get me punished. And I might get punished for writing that even with the setup, but I honestly don't give a fuck right now.

Not Feeling It

Lately I’ve been lacking in my submissive duties. I just don’t feel very submissive. Sir and I aren’t getting ANY alone time – we’re always with other people or at a social event. I’ve let things slide, and I know my mindset is way off. I’ve been craving a firmer hand.

I need him to keep me in line. I know that I’m not where I should be, but I also have no desire to straighten myself out – making sure I get to bed on time (even if I have a really good reason not to), making sure I update this journal on time, addressing sir properly. Even just the way I interact with him. I’ve been cranky and bossy. I’ve been half-assed in our conversations.

I missed posting last night. We both knew I would. I was at his house too late, and I had to drive home and I wouldn’t have even been home on time for bed, let alone to post. He almost took my excuses and let me get away with it. Almost. But I could have posted earlier in the week. Sir lets me slide way too much. I suppose I should curb my excuse giving, but they’re in my head anyway and he wants to know what I’m thinking. So I am hoping that he’ll develop a stronger will when it comes to me so he can have a firmer hand. He needs to hold me to a higher standard if I am to hold myself to his standards.

Consequently, I am to write a post here this night and for the following three nights. Friday I have to travel to Connecticut for a weekend meeting, so he’s not holding me to that, as that’s out of my control.

I’m hoping that we can keep up or rekindle our D/s side of things, as I am craving it. I was slightly out of line yesterday at a party, and very subtly he put his hand in my hair and tugged. No one knew, no one saw anything, but it thrilled me. It gave me the right headspace, and it was the jolt that I needed to get back on track. I need more of that. Hopefully these assignments will help.

Message Collar

I saw this a while ago and thought it was pretty interesting.

It's an interesting concept. A choker/collar type of item with a geek twist. I bet a creative dom could put an interesting message there!

Too Vanilla

Sir and I haven't seen each other in nearly 3 weeks. I've been backlogged with work (even though I'm only working one job now), and my weekends have been filled. They've been filled with good things, but filled. I've had volunteer meetings, work training, babysat my niece and nephew, took my mom to see Jesus Christ Superstar, and took my dad to the Old Timer's Game. Every night during the week, I've been working on schedules and plans for my job, because we're on a deadline and its not done. We're a small nonprofit so I'm not looking to get paid for the extra hours, I just don't want to get to the deadline and have nothing.

I've been tired and cranky, and probably a bit bratty. I know I've been more demanding, telling Sir things instead of asking. D/s has slipped to the wayside a bit. I believe the dynamic can still be kept up long distance, but I think Sir finds that difficult to achieve. I wish he would take more initiative in that department. I also feel bad, because he feels like he's backseat to everything else going on lately. I've now put him in the calendar for at least once per week, come hell or high-water. The center will have to wait for a few hours if things aren't done - I'm currently the only one taking work home also, so screw it.

I hope we can reconnect and re-establish the order of things soon, I feel them slipping too. I'd also want more time to think more thoroughly and put more effort into a blog, rather than just some updates. Everything is too half-hazard.