Yet I didn’t go to bed on time. I have been late before, once. Three minutes. I wasn’t being absentminded or willfully disobedient; it just took me longer to get ready for some reason. But yesterday I was 16 minutes late. And it was entirely my fault. I finished writing a blog post with time to spare. Instead of going to bed, I thought I would respond to something my aunt said on Facebook. It was something that got me fired up and honestly, I probably should have just sucked it up and went to bed. But I thought there was time.
This is what she posted:
I started the conversation by letting her know that the Komen Foundation replaced funding for Planned Parenthood. She responded with that being too bad. I knew it was just going to get worse. What gets under my skin is not her personal belief in being Pro-Life. It’s the fact that she has to PUSH her beliefs very forcefully on other people both in life and the internet.
Personally, I would never have an abortion. But I don’t believe that my convictions should dictate what another woman should do. I also am a patient of Planned Parenthood. Her facts are wrong even from her own listed sources. Abortions aren’t their primary source of income. I’m not saying that it’s not a fundamental service they provide, but all the other services they do generate more revenue than abortions do. In fact, the Planned Parenthood I go to doesn’t even offer abortion services, and oftentimes for low income people, it's the only place one can get affordable care for something as simple as a UTI. Anyway:
20 minutes later, I see the clock and I’m not surprised to see it’s past eleven; I knew I was losing myself in this conversation. It was a pointless conversation. I know I’m not going to change her mind and she’s not going to change mine. It’s driving a wedge into our relationship and it's counterproductive.
I tell myself to stop this and go to bed, like I should have at eleven o’ clock. I know that I am late. Now, I have a dilemma. I could just not say anything to Sir and hope he doesn’t ask me what time I went to bed. I could outright lie later and avoid getting into trouble. I’ve thought about this before. I’d never had any real cause to lie but I thought about what would happen when inevitably I’d be late for this simple task. I could have sent him my goodnight message at eleven and simply stayed up (also another lie). But I didn’t. Lying doesn’t help anyone, it would weaken our relationship, and in a small way I do want to atone and own up for my infraction. So I text him and tell him that I want to be honest and that I was just only now getting into bed. He messages me back saying that he understands and that we’ll talk about it tomorrow (today).
I am now a little nervous. I am wondering what exactly this conversation will consist of. I am wondering if I will be punished for this offense. And honestly, I realize now that I will be disappointed if I am not punished. It’s not that I WANT to be punished or that this was some deliberate planned attempt on my part to be disobedient. It’s just that I think Sir goes too lightly on me sometimes. I am wondering if he will say something like, “Since you’ve not really been late, and you were honest and upfront with me, I am willing to overlook this as long as you’re more diligent in the future”. He could say this; it’s his decision and his prerogative. But I know inside I’ll be let down if this turns out to be the case. I suppose I feel that in order for me to hold myself to a higher standard, he must also hold me to a higher standard and make me accountable if I am not up to par.
We’ll see what happens tonight.