I Love Rope

Goodness I’ve been busy. I took some time off to go on vacation (which was wonderful!), finished up my old job (today), and my new job starts on Monday. In the middle of all that insanity though, with the Dom I’ve had a realization.

I. Love. Rope.

Honestly, rope is just amazing. The way it’s restrictive and binding, the way it slides around your skin, the aesthetic; it’s just incredible. I love being tied up! There’s so many things you can do with it, and it creates a really personal and intimate feeling in different ways.

The Dom put me in my first hogtie recently, and it was just fantastic. He didn’t let me know what he was planning to do; he just gave me instructions. I really liked that. It was very enjoyable to listen to the quiet, yet assertive sound of his voice telling me what to do and complying. I was face down as he went to work on me. It was driving me crazy having him so close, pressing into me at times, while the rope would lightly slap my skin (which I love) as he completed his ties. Finally he connected my legs to my arms and the pieces clicked into place. I’m surprised it took me so long to realize what his intentions were, but I really enjoyed the anticipation. I loved being so restrained, the squirming - I really indented the rope into my skin with all my struggling, leaving rope indents on my limbs, which I found pleasing. I had some mobility in this tie; I was able to get onto my feet. A practical note however - remember that you CAN’T stand up when on your feet/knees. I know that sounds obvious; but I would just forget, and I actually tried standing up, unthinkingly, and went falling, crashing onto the floor/furniture. That certainly killed the mood, even though it was sort of funny. He was able to save the situation though, and got me back where I belonged.

A different but lovely experience is hair bondage. He loves my long hair, and I’m continuing to grow it out. Binding it is a different from a hogtie, or the other ties we’ve tried but it’s also a very close experience that I cherish. I will calmly sit at his feet as he intricately wraps my hair. I loved having my hair touched, so it’s very pleasant. It’s also a very intimate and personal thing to have someone touch your hair, and it’s something that I feel brings a new closeness to us; I feel very connected to him. It’s also very aesthetically appealing. The weight of the rope is heavy on my head, but I like it; wearing it for him. I get enjoyment knowing that he finds it pleasing, and the weight is like a bit of a reminder of him, wherever we go. When we go into public, this is one of the things we can do. It's exhilarating being "out there", yet it could just be a funny hairstyle to some.

Smaller Rope Hair Bondage.

Thicker rope hair bondage. You can also see the Big Bad Monster Collar. It's huge!

Fears of Being Too Open

Today, I see a message in one of my Fetlife groups about an upcoming event. The poster seemed very familiar to me, so I checked out her profile. Turns out, I have met her a few times in real life, at a few vanilla parties and such.

I was excited to have recognized someone (there are only 2 people on my account that I actually know) and was extremely close to sending a friend request when I had a moment of not-quite panic.

How well do I know this person? Is there the potential for this to somehow come back and bite me in the ass?

I try to keep my kinky life pretty separate from my vanilla life. People are just not understanding about this sort of thing. I chose to share this side of myself with my best friend, and even she really doesn’t get it, and it’s actually been pretty difficult between us at times as a result. So, I’m cautious. I’m also mindful of the people out there who have had enormous difficulties in their professional and personal lives because they’d been “outed”. I’m not as concerned about personal contacts being aware as I am for my professional life. Yes, it would bother me if certain people knew of my proclivities. It’s very personal, and it’s just not their business. Yes, it would suck. I would be lying if said that I don’t have some kind of shame/embarrassment issues attached to my wants and desires (and it was pretty difficult for me to admit that just now), so for the world to know, that would be awful. It’s also not something I would want to have to explain to, say, my mother or father for example. That’s just awkward and embarrassing. But, my family and friends would either accept it or get over it. Those that didn’t could step to the side, because they’re obviously not people I’d want to associate with.  So, it would bother me more if it affected my career, because it has a greater potential for damage at this time. For my employer, or potential employers to be privy to this information… the thought actually makes my belly tighten with anxiety.

I stopped just before sending this person a friend request because I thought there was the potential for them to somehow out me and negatively impact my life, because they know my real identity. Now, this is definitely hugely unfair to this person. In all likelihood, this person has no interest in doing any such thing, and I’m being pretty egotistical to think that they have nothing else better to do with their life than to destroy mine. It’s also sad to say that I was thinking that someone else who follows this lifestyle, who should understand the stigmas and difficulties attached at times would go out of their way to hurt someone in this lifestyle as well.

And yet… I still can’t bring myself to click on that little button.

Should I?

Possible Nipple Piercing Solution

Mention something and the devil will appear… If only all the little issues in my life worked in such a way.

Last night, after I wrote my long overdue post about an aversion to piercing nipple rings (among other things), I log into FetLife, and lo and behold, this is what I see waiting for me in the right column:

Non Piercing Nipple Rings.

I feel like the fates placed that ad there just for me. I clicked on it, naturally, and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. There were LOTS of products offered, and there were more than what I would have thought about initially. Things that will hang down, things that you could potentially attach a chain to, chains themselves even. I will share this with The Dom (I‘ve mentioned it already, but I forgot the website name at the time). I hope he is pleased by this solution. I suppose it’s a compromise of sorts. I would be so thrilled to be able to be pleasing to him, and to accomplish his specific goals with the nipple rings. And he wouldn’t have to push me into a place where he doesn’t think I should go.

A fitting solution, right?

Possessives and Breast Play

How do you feel about referring to your body parts in the possessive of your partner? Or vice versa? I used to think it was pretty odd. It’s not that I disapproved of the idea per se, it was more that it can get pretty confusing and awkward in practice, especially if referring to unisex anatomy. Referring to “your ass” is a lot more confusing than “your breasts” for heterosexual couples. Yet a couple of weeks ago I made a comment to the tune of “here is your finger back” (He was holding my fingers and stopped to let me scratch an itch, or something like that). It wasn’t something I thought about, it was just something I said. It has stuck in my brain as soon as it came out of my mouth. I suppose I am starting to think of myself as belonging more to him.

Today, we were having a conversation about nipple piercing, which I really don’t think I could handle. I think the aesthetic could be nice, but I really don’t think I could manage the needle aspect. However, I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, I would try and work on it. It’s not an unreasonable request. It’s not a tattoo, or extremely permanent marking. I could always take the rings out. Though its not something he wishes to put me through (and I can’t say I’m not a bit relieved), I did express the feeling that, essentially, they’re his breasts, and if he wants piercings in them, I should at least try to work on that. In my head, I guess am thinking more along the lines of him claiming me, so that should be a good thing.

I still find my needle aversion a bit odd. I can plan and sit through a tattoo, but nipple piercings make my stomach flip. I don’t know if its just the idea of the needles, or the fear of the pain, or some combination of the unknown. I have come to find that I don’t hate nipple pain. It’s actually something I’ve come to enjoy. When asked (and I seem to always set myself up to reveal extra information), I expressed the desire to have my nipples pinched hard. It’s something I find myself wanting after he’s started to play. So it cannot be just the pain that is causing the fear.

I always get a little bit nervous when I’m about to reveal something about myself, like expressing the nipple pinching desire. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I end up giving him all this extra information. Or I say something that will cause him to seek this extra information, which I will of course end up giving. I end up getting nervous because I suppose that I am afraid that I will be… boring. I guess I feel like my wishes or desires will not be up to par. I also get nervous because I feel like I’m giving him little weapons that he will later use against me (though I usually end up enjoying it). I know I shouldn’t really think in those terms, as he is definitely NOT the enemy, but I always think about how this information will later be used.

A bit ago, I took a big step in this regard. I gift-wrapped a pair of clothes pegs for him to use on me, as I know he really enjoys breast play. I was  nervous. It was one thing to talk and give him information that could later be used against me, but another to physically hand him a weapon of my own volition, with forethought. But as usual, he was wonderful about it, and I didn’t even hate the use of them on me… as long as he was the one doing the applying. I tested it out on myself first, with less than stellar results (got to test the weapon before gifting it, right?). I just don’t have the same finesse. There’s just a way about him that really sweeps me off my feet. He puts a lot of forethought into everything he does, so usually my fears are at ease before we try anything new. He talks to me about it first, and he never just springs anything on me. By the time it comes for practice,  its all settled into my head, and I’m usually waiting it to happen. Wanting.

I’ve not been disappointed.  I hope I don’t disappoint him.

It's Not So Scary, Actually...

We’ve been talking about the use of a collar, and what that would entail. We agreed that anything locking and permanent for daily wear would be something to reserve for a very long term commitment, i.e. marriage. But something removable, used just for us, I would be more or less okay with incorporating into our relationship now. For the future, we’ve talked about a rule being that when I come into our home, my collar would be in a drawer near the door, and I am to put it on immediately upon entering, given that we have privacy/accepting guests. I also like this idea. I like the appeal of wearing it for him. I also like that it could serve as a great way to get my head back into the right frame of mind. Where I work, I am generally the Queen Bee in my room. I make a lot of decisions for people, and I am pretty dominant, because I have to be. I think the ritual of putting the collar on every day will remind me of what my frame of mind should be. Only he should be the one to remove it. This was something I actually felt pretty strongly about.

We recently spent nearly 2 days together, one of which was just hanging around in Manhattan. One of our stops was to Purple Passion, which I definitely recommend - the people were very nice and friendly, but they weren‘t overly clingy, and didn‘t make you feel uncomfortable in the shop. They allowed you your space to look around and make your selections, and they were also very helpful if you did have questions. I was a bit nervous going into the shop at first, but that soon dissipated. I was also pleased by the overall selection; it wasn't just toys, or just clothes, or just bondage gear. There were a variety of sections for clothing, there was a book section, rope, bondage implements, and more. All in all, I was pleased.

When we first mentioned the use of a collar, I initially pictured something in my head that was probably a half inch thick, definitely no larger than ¾ inches. Over time, I definitely got the feeling that for The Dom, that really just wasn’t going to cut it. And indeed, when we were in the store, the one that appealed to him most (and the one that we did bring home with us) was this big giant monster of a collar (at least, that’s what it looked like to me)! Just eyeballing it, it seems to be at least two inches thick, which for me, seems HUGE (I also don’t have a very long neck). It’s also black leather, and has three o-rings on it! Just looking at it, I was seriously intimidated. We also went home with some ankle cuffs, and we would have gone home with wrist cuffs as well, but there weren’t any at the time that The Dom really liked. We might have to go back to obtain them (or I might be sent to retrieve them, as I live significantly closer to the shop, and he gets a kick out of my having to obtain and carry the “implements of my torture”).

Later, he made an opportunity for me to really try it out, and I was so pleasantly surprised! The collar itself is much more comfortable than I would have imagined. There is padding on the inside, and it's made so the leather is soft on the inside. He finally told me to have a look at myself in the mirror, and I was shocked. I really liked the way that I looked in it! It made me feel like he was claiming a little bit more of me, and vainly, it was just aesthetically pleasing. The ankle cuffs were also extremely comfortable, as they were similarly constructed. He informed me that the reason we didn’t go home with wrist cuffs, is because he didn’t like the construction of what was available, and we‘ll wait for the ones that are constructed like the others to be shipped. He wants them to be functional, and pleasing to his eye, but he also wants them to be comfortable for me. I was really touched inside! I know that it shouldn’t shock me that my comfort and safety should be important to him, but little touches like this really do get to me. They make me feel important, and treasured, and just… cherished. Valued. He does have a knack for making me feel special, and this just magnifies that.

So, despite being initially intimidated and scared of the big bad collar, I think I’m going to quite like it! I’m actually looking forward to the next time that I’ll get to wear it for him.