Asking Permission vs. Telling

I think I am getting better at following the rules that Sir has set for me, and asking permission for extensions and the like. Especially concerning bedtime. I've been in bed by 11 pm, or I've asked for permission to be up later. This week, I needed to get something for work, so I asked for permission. A few times in the past, I've been up doing work, prepping for an interview, or spending time with family. I can think of one instance where Sir insisted that I keep to my bedtime, and I had nothing crucial to do.

If I have a good reason, Sir will give me permission to stay up later. I am thankful for this. He is being understanding, and making sure I can get things accomplished, within reason. I feel that I am reinforcing my desired role by stopping to ask for permission over just doing things. A month or so ago, I stayed up about 20 minutes extra without asking permission, to do prep for an interview. I figured I was following the spirit of the rule. I had been allowed to prep for interviews in the past, so why not now? I didn't get into trouble, but I now think I should have asked permission anyway.

Lately, for the past few instances of asking permission to be up later, I almost feel like I'm telling my Sir instead. I don't expect to be told "no", so even though I'm asking for permission, I feel as though I am informing him. I asked him the other day if I could stay up late to pick up supplies for work. But I didn't really think he would deny me. I had already planned the rest of my evening around it. I think now... what would I do if he didn't allow me to do so?

At my environmental job, we often assess situations by asking "what could be done to prevent this, or handle it better"? I've started applying that to my daily life. What would I do if Sir didn't grant permission? For certain situations, I could have gotten up earlier the next day to compensate. I could also ask permission earlier in the day instead of a few hours before bedtime. That way, I have more time to consider alternatives if his answer is negative, and it gives him more freedom to actually consider denying me if it his wish without feeling like he's putting me in a bad situation.

Or I could learn to manage my time better overall.

Sir's Response

Sir read my post last night and sent me an immediate email (that I just saw). He does assign me to post in this journal once a week, so he must check to see if I'm following his rules. Topics have been at my discretion. Thus far, he's told me that he does enjoy reading it, and it helps him. He's never had such a reaction before, however.

His email was lengthy, and addressed much of my concerns. For some of it, I'm not quite sure how to respond. I'm not always sure what I want, just that I WANT - and that's a problem in itself. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to want. That it wouldn't be right (normal), that it wouldn't be up his alley, that it would be TOO vanilla. I worry too much.

Right now though, I think his response was right on target. I feel put in my place (in a wonderful way), and I feel as though he is taking things as seriously as I do. Its a double edged sword, having to keep me in line. I feel like there is more room for me to be the one "messing up" - but we're all human. No one is 100% all the time. But I respond well to attention and to being put in place.

And now, it's phone time with Sir, so I can tell HIM these things, more in depth. <3

Admissions and Shame

Horny.

I've never been fond of that word; I've always found it crude. I also dislike to use the word pussy. Even writing it makes my stomach flip.

This is coming from a girl that has been oft-described has having a sailor's pottymouth.

Last week, I hit thesaurus to find a better synonym for horny.

This is what was listed:

concupiscent, desiring, hard up, hot to trot, hot*, lascivious, libidinous, lustful, oversexed, passionate, randy, salacious, turned on

Out of these, I chose lustful. I also like concupiscent and libidinous. I almost like lascivious but its used too often on the SS/HG fanfic pages I read to still retain appeal. Salacious can work in certain contexts as well. Somehow, a fancier word makes the idea better in my head. A feeling we all get from time to time, but I have difficulty admitting, especially with that word.

I was thinking about these things in conjunction with an assignment given to me by Sir this week. He emailed me a twenty minute BDSM video and I had to write a response and send it back to him.

I was nervous. Nervous!

I did watch the video (twice!) and I did submit to him an MLA style response. But my initial response above all was high anxiety to watch this video. I felt like I was getting caught. That this was something that I should not be doing. No one was home so there was no chance of having to explain anything. The feeling just came from within. I still have huge problems accepting my nature, and accepting things that I want. This is something I see often enough in our blog community, and I wonder why.

Why? Why should we be ashamed of these things? I'm fearful to even take a greater look to pinpoint exactly when I have this anxiety, and when I don't. I have trouble verbalizing sensations. I have trouble sometimes deciding if I like certain things or not. I have extreme trouble saying what I want, or explaining fantasies. I either think them too depraved, or too vanilla. I really need to narrow these feelings of shame down, and understand myself better. There are things that make me nervous, but I WANT Sir to do them. I want to be pushed. He wants certain things that I feel lukewarm towards in general... but I WANT him to push me into doing them. I want to be right at the cusp of too much. I feel like I need his guidance to be a better submissive and explore more fully what we have, and what we can offer each other.

But that also puts a lot on him. Sometimes I feel like its too much to ask of a person, but more and more, I think its something I may need. More... micro-management? It's a bit difficult with the hour's drive between us, but I think it can be done. But we both have to work toward it. Sometimes I feel like I put more into the D/s side of things than he does. But verbalizing that makes me anxious. I often say that its "not normal" to like what I do. And honestly... even if that WERE true... SO WHAT? I actively choose and take pride in going outside the norm in much of my other life, so why should this be different?

I guess I just don't want to have to explain things to others that don't understand, and be judged. I'm not ready for that. So I hide, but I hate that also. I wonder if there will ever be a good middle ground.

Turned On

I've been feeling Sir's absence this week. I've worked 6 days, and pulled 12 hour days for the end of it. Then I had to travel all day Sunday for a stressful family event. As a result, I've been having extremely sexual dreams lately, and I've been feeling very lustful. Besides that, I just miss him. I want to cuddle.

Sir has been giving me assignments and tasks to complete when we're apart, and I really enjoy this. My life always seems to be turned upside-down, so I've not finished yet, but I will.

Sometimes I still feel his presence when we're apart, and things like having tasks really help.

Routine

Tonight Sir came over as a surprise and took me out to dinner. He brought us to my favorite local diner. Sir and I both noticed that the waiter did not even look at me when it came time to order; I guess we've gone there enough that he knows that Sir always orders for me by now. He wasn't condescending, nor did he give us any odd looks. Perhaps he just thinks us to be old-fashioned.

The other night, Sir fed me from his fork in public, and I really enjoyed that. No one batted an eyelash, so I didn't feel self conscious. I really like these subtle acts of submission in public!

You're Looking At It

"You know, one day when we get a place of our own together, it needs to have a dishwasher".

"Oh? I've never had a dishwasher before. I guess I kind of figured that I am your dishwasher".