While on Hiatus

Sir and I have put our D/s relationship on hold for the past few months. It's been odd being on hiatus. It has made me appreciate some of the freedoms that I currently have, ones that I've taken for granted in the past and really put into perspective how choosing to put certain things in his control shows a respect to him and our dynamic.

I find that while I'm not adhering to the strict bedtime he's given in the past, I'm still getting to bed at a decent hour. I do wear pants more to work because of the convenience. I am a bit more free in my teasing with him as well. I make more of my own non-work decisions, which I've found odd.

One thing I've really appreciated about this hiatus is the chance to see what our relationship would be like all vanilla. And it's refreshing to know that even vanilla, I like us as a couple. I enjoy Sir's company, and I want to be with him. I do miss the D/s at times, however. We're going to slowly be re-introducing D/s into our relationship in a few weeks.

Things at my job have improved. I got up the nerve to quit, and upon doing that, they essentially offered me a promotion. I decided to take it because I was going to quit anyway and I could at least give this a shot, and keep my income. I've been at it for almost two weeks now. It's the same pay but way less after work hours. Thus far, much less stress as well. I'm hoping it will stay this pleasant and allow me to focus on our relationship more.

Sir and I will have our 2 year anniversary in just a couple of weeks. That seems unreal to me - I feel like it was just yesterday that we met!

Hey out there. I'm still alive, still kicking it one day at a time. The past month has been really rough with this new job. I've gone back and forth many times about resigning or staying. I've attempted to resign twice, but got talked into trying to stick it out. Today was a more or less good day, and it gives me small hope. Plus, the paycheck isn't too shabby now that I'm finally getting one!

In the meantime though, I am extremely overworked, exhausted, and stressed. I get to work around 7:30a, and usually stay until after 5, and then I do more work when I get home. I also work on Saturdays. It's killing me a little. Because of this, Sir decided that we should put our D/s on hold. I understand where he's coming from, because honestly, I can barely keep my head above water here without adding additional demands, but... I miss it. I'm sad that its not a part of us right now. It's an added layer in me thinking about the career that I want.

We also have plans to move, in the next year or so. I need to save up a lot in order to do this, and maybe if I can stick this out for a while, and take the suffering a little bit, the payoff will be the things I need to achieve those goals. I need a job where when I go home, I'm done. No extra things, just relax until the next day. Maybe next  year?

Hurricane and New Job Update

Here in NJ I'm just fine. We were very fortunate. The worst we got was that the cable, phone, and internet went out. The lights flickered, and we lost power for a total of one minute.

The areas around me however were hit hard. There are downed trees everywhere, no one can get gas, many areas are flooded. My one job has been closed this entire week. I'm actually hating the new job, and I really want to quit so much that I actually drafted a resignation letter. But I've been waffling on whether or not to send it. I applied for a job in Connecticut and I think that if I get an offer there, I'll quit this job. If not, I'll try and stick it out, but its really making me miserable and it's scaring Sir how miserable I am. It's affected our D/s, again in that I'm overworked, overstressed, overtired and I've not had much time to concentrate on us. I'm also being more cranky and bratty and less inclined to follow rules.

Last weekend before the storm he actually tied me to his bed and struck me 101 times with different implements, until I cried. He said I needed the catharsis, and I think he was right. After that though, I was a pile of mush so we just stayed in bed for the rest of the day, essentially. I did need it, but the trade off comes in time to complete tasks for the new job.

I'm seriously hoping I get the job in Connecticut so that I would feel justified in resigning from this job that I've worked at for a total of 3 weeks (only two of which we've been open).

I hope everyone fared well this past week!

How Much of My Feelings Should I Let Through?

Sir and I had a bit of a difficult night, tonight.

I've been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress lately. My outdoor job suddenly needs me A LOT, and I've been working nearly every day. I have this new upcoming job that has been really disorganized. They've changed my position twice, and I've not even started yet. The workload for the position they now want me for is going to be enormous, but I don't have ANY time off to prepare. I have a training for them tomorrow, and I'm hoping to address these concerns. I'm getting fed up and anxious. But I need this job so badly that I can't really tell them where to go.

My home life has been rather difficult. My roommate has been just that - my ROOMmate. But it's been taking a toll on us. No privacy. No autonomy. Plus the fact that we're both in our late twenties with steady relationships make things awkward to have been sharing a bedroom. We had to find a different solution, so everyone had to move around. Her boyfriend built her a loft in one of our closets. I switched to a smaller room. To do that, the house is upside down. My adorable cat urinated on ALL of my clothes, bedding, and baggage that I had placed on the couch during this move for a reason that I cannot fathom. And the couch too. And the bottom of my closet. So I've been trying to work on what he peed on and where so I can try to get it out. It's way too many items, definitely over 50% of my things. Some of these items are irreplaceable - hand made, by me. Some of them can be replaced, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I'm attempting to get the odor out. I've spent the past few days smelling everything and putting them into piles.

Sir called me tonight while I was in the middle of this. My nose is shot - it sounds like I have a cold, but I don't. Usually, I try to keep my mood as pleasant as possible for him, whether he knows it or not.I try not to let him see my anger, especially if its not directed at him. But tonight, he got a big dose of my angst. I wasn't yelling or anything, but in the middle of talking, he says abruptly - "can I just call you back later?" I said okay, but I was upset inside. Both at him and myself.

I'm upset with myself because my feelings and anger obviously upset Sir. He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with it. He tried, but in this situation there's really nothing he can do. So maybe, I should keep these things inside and not bring him down. I'm supposed to uplift him, not drag him with me.

On the other hand, this is who I am. I am a grouchy person. I've told him this intellectually, but I don't usually present that side of myself to him. But I think he needs to know. He needs to know me - all of me. And I don't respond well to being overstressed. Which I am; a lot. So, I guess I feel like he needs to learn to deal with it, or handle me. As my Dom.

But if its not my place to be like that, I need to learn to channel these feelings in other ways. Usually, when I'm upset, I'll try and confront the person involved. Except here, I really can't. I can't go yell at my cat and gain any sort of closure. I can't just do a quick wash of these things and have it be okay. I can't tell my job to get their shit together. I can't have the house magically fix itself.

So where is the line? Do I keep it in, or do I let it out? Or some other option I can't think of?

Sir called back and apologized for essentially "hanging up on me" (his words). He said that he didn't know what to do, and he couldn't help. So I suppose that means that I should try to keep it contained. On the other hand, I'm sort of upset with him because he can't handle me. This happens from time to time. We're growing, we're learning...except I suppose I feel that he's not. I don't feel he spends time trying to research, or think of new things. I feel that our D/s relationship is stagnant.

Sitting here processing this makes me think that maybe, I should have just stopped. Tried to meditate or relax so I could be in a better state to have a conversation. We don't have any rituals for that. And I'm even hesitant to mention it because I don't want to top from the bottom. I want him to come up with things on his own.

He gave me extra time tonight to write this. But I do have that training early in the morning and I need to head to bed. Time to send a goodnight text and hit the sheets. Maybe sleep will help me process this.

Apathy

 I was being pretty needy and maybe a bit bratty the other night. Sir was an hour away, and I had to work the entire weekend. I’ve not been following rules as I should; my house is in complete disarray, and my daily schedule is all screwed up. As such, I think Sir’s been a bit lenient with me. Maybe too lenient. I find myself slipping, especially in my mind.

Sometimes when I mess up, it’s because of forgetfulness, or because of circumstances out of my control. But lately, it’s been… not quite deliberate, not quite planned, but I’m certainly aware and I’m apathetic. I finally admitted as much to Sir, and writing it here does put a knot in my stomach. That’s wrong. Sir takes care of me and has rational and reasonable rules for my well-being. But I suppose by not enforcing those rules for what feels like quite some time, it made me feel like they didn’t matter. So I didn’t follow. And nothing happened. So I stopped caring.

Accountability is a tough thing. Yes, it’s Sir’s responsibility to make sure that I’m on track, and to correct me if I’m not, but it’s also my responsibility to acknowledge when I’m not following the rules. I need to work to get myself back to where I need to be, or I need to ask for help. And I suppose when the case is apathy, it’s help that I need. If I were forgetful, I could take measures to provide a reminder. But how does one correct their own apathy?

I’ve read a bit about apathy and some say apathy is caused by a feeling powerless. If one is powerless, why care? But in D/s – I choose to give up that power and control. So why am I feeling apathetic? I’m guessing that its mostly non-D/s outside forces poking their head in and pulling me in a few different directions. Making me anxious and taking my focus. I need a reboot, perhaps.