Fears of Being Too Open

Today, I see a message in one of my Fetlife groups about an upcoming event. The poster seemed very familiar to me, so I checked out her profile. Turns out, I have met her a few times in real life, at a few vanilla parties and such.

I was excited to have recognized someone (there are only 2 people on my account that I actually know) and was extremely close to sending a friend request when I had a moment of not-quite panic.

How well do I know this person? Is there the potential for this to somehow come back and bite me in the ass?

I try to keep my kinky life pretty separate from my vanilla life. People are just not understanding about this sort of thing. I chose to share this side of myself with my best friend, and even she really doesn’t get it, and it’s actually been pretty difficult between us at times as a result. So, I’m cautious. I’m also mindful of the people out there who have had enormous difficulties in their professional and personal lives because they’d been “outed”. I’m not as concerned about personal contacts being aware as I am for my professional life. Yes, it would bother me if certain people knew of my proclivities. It’s very personal, and it’s just not their business. Yes, it would suck. I would be lying if said that I don’t have some kind of shame/embarrassment issues attached to my wants and desires (and it was pretty difficult for me to admit that just now), so for the world to know, that would be awful. It’s also not something I would want to have to explain to, say, my mother or father for example. That’s just awkward and embarrassing. But, my family and friends would either accept it or get over it. Those that didn’t could step to the side, because they’re obviously not people I’d want to associate with.  So, it would bother me more if it affected my career, because it has a greater potential for damage at this time. For my employer, or potential employers to be privy to this information… the thought actually makes my belly tighten with anxiety.

I stopped just before sending this person a friend request because I thought there was the potential for them to somehow out me and negatively impact my life, because they know my real identity. Now, this is definitely hugely unfair to this person. In all likelihood, this person has no interest in doing any such thing, and I’m being pretty egotistical to think that they have nothing else better to do with their life than to destroy mine. It’s also sad to say that I was thinking that someone else who follows this lifestyle, who should understand the stigmas and difficulties attached at times would go out of their way to hurt someone in this lifestyle as well.

And yet… I still can’t bring myself to click on that little button.

Should I?

Possible Nipple Piercing Solution

Mention something and the devil will appear… If only all the little issues in my life worked in such a way.

Last night, after I wrote my long overdue post about an aversion to piercing nipple rings (among other things), I log into FetLife, and lo and behold, this is what I see waiting for me in the right column:

Non Piercing Nipple Rings.

I feel like the fates placed that ad there just for me. I clicked on it, naturally, and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. There were LOTS of products offered, and there were more than what I would have thought about initially. Things that will hang down, things that you could potentially attach a chain to, chains themselves even. I will share this with The Dom (I‘ve mentioned it already, but I forgot the website name at the time). I hope he is pleased by this solution. I suppose it’s a compromise of sorts. I would be so thrilled to be able to be pleasing to him, and to accomplish his specific goals with the nipple rings. And he wouldn’t have to push me into a place where he doesn’t think I should go.

A fitting solution, right?

Possessives and Breast Play

How do you feel about referring to your body parts in the possessive of your partner? Or vice versa? I used to think it was pretty odd. It’s not that I disapproved of the idea per se, it was more that it can get pretty confusing and awkward in practice, especially if referring to unisex anatomy. Referring to “your ass” is a lot more confusing than “your breasts” for heterosexual couples. Yet a couple of weeks ago I made a comment to the tune of “here is your finger back” (He was holding my fingers and stopped to let me scratch an itch, or something like that). It wasn’t something I thought about, it was just something I said. It has stuck in my brain as soon as it came out of my mouth. I suppose I am starting to think of myself as belonging more to him.

Today, we were having a conversation about nipple piercing, which I really don’t think I could handle. I think the aesthetic could be nice, but I really don’t think I could manage the needle aspect. However, I told him that if this was something he wanted to pursue, I would try and work on it. It’s not an unreasonable request. It’s not a tattoo, or extremely permanent marking. I could always take the rings out. Though its not something he wishes to put me through (and I can’t say I’m not a bit relieved), I did express the feeling that, essentially, they’re his breasts, and if he wants piercings in them, I should at least try to work on that. In my head, I guess am thinking more along the lines of him claiming me, so that should be a good thing.

I still find my needle aversion a bit odd. I can plan and sit through a tattoo, but nipple piercings make my stomach flip. I don’t know if its just the idea of the needles, or the fear of the pain, or some combination of the unknown. I have come to find that I don’t hate nipple pain. It’s actually something I’ve come to enjoy. When asked (and I seem to always set myself up to reveal extra information), I expressed the desire to have my nipples pinched hard. It’s something I find myself wanting after he’s started to play. So it cannot be just the pain that is causing the fear.

I always get a little bit nervous when I’m about to reveal something about myself, like expressing the nipple pinching desire. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I end up giving him all this extra information. Or I say something that will cause him to seek this extra information, which I will of course end up giving. I end up getting nervous because I suppose that I am afraid that I will be… boring. I guess I feel like my wishes or desires will not be up to par. I also get nervous because I feel like I’m giving him little weapons that he will later use against me (though I usually end up enjoying it). I know I shouldn’t really think in those terms, as he is definitely NOT the enemy, but I always think about how this information will later be used.

A bit ago, I took a big step in this regard. I gift-wrapped a pair of clothes pegs for him to use on me, as I know he really enjoys breast play. I was  nervous. It was one thing to talk and give him information that could later be used against me, but another to physically hand him a weapon of my own volition, with forethought. But as usual, he was wonderful about it, and I didn’t even hate the use of them on me… as long as he was the one doing the applying. I tested it out on myself first, with less than stellar results (got to test the weapon before gifting it, right?). I just don’t have the same finesse. There’s just a way about him that really sweeps me off my feet. He puts a lot of forethought into everything he does, so usually my fears are at ease before we try anything new. He talks to me about it first, and he never just springs anything on me. By the time it comes for practice,  its all settled into my head, and I’m usually waiting it to happen. Wanting.

I’ve not been disappointed.  I hope I don’t disappoint him.