It's Not So Scary, Actually...

We’ve been talking about the use of a collar, and what that would entail. We agreed that anything locking and permanent for daily wear would be something to reserve for a very long term commitment, i.e. marriage. But something removable, used just for us, I would be more or less okay with incorporating into our relationship now. For the future, we’ve talked about a rule being that when I come into our home, my collar would be in a drawer near the door, and I am to put it on immediately upon entering, given that we have privacy/accepting guests. I also like this idea. I like the appeal of wearing it for him. I also like that it could serve as a great way to get my head back into the right frame of mind. Where I work, I am generally the Queen Bee in my room. I make a lot of decisions for people, and I am pretty dominant, because I have to be. I think the ritual of putting the collar on every day will remind me of what my frame of mind should be. Only he should be the one to remove it. This was something I actually felt pretty strongly about.

We recently spent nearly 2 days together, one of which was just hanging around in Manhattan. One of our stops was to Purple Passion, which I definitely recommend - the people were very nice and friendly, but they weren‘t overly clingy, and didn‘t make you feel uncomfortable in the shop. They allowed you your space to look around and make your selections, and they were also very helpful if you did have questions. I was a bit nervous going into the shop at first, but that soon dissipated. I was also pleased by the overall selection; it wasn't just toys, or just clothes, or just bondage gear. There were a variety of sections for clothing, there was a book section, rope, bondage implements, and more. All in all, I was pleased.

When we first mentioned the use of a collar, I initially pictured something in my head that was probably a half inch thick, definitely no larger than ¾ inches. Over time, I definitely got the feeling that for The Dom, that really just wasn’t going to cut it. And indeed, when we were in the store, the one that appealed to him most (and the one that we did bring home with us) was this big giant monster of a collar (at least, that’s what it looked like to me)! Just eyeballing it, it seems to be at least two inches thick, which for me, seems HUGE (I also don’t have a very long neck). It’s also black leather, and has three o-rings on it! Just looking at it, I was seriously intimidated. We also went home with some ankle cuffs, and we would have gone home with wrist cuffs as well, but there weren’t any at the time that The Dom really liked. We might have to go back to obtain them (or I might be sent to retrieve them, as I live significantly closer to the shop, and he gets a kick out of my having to obtain and carry the “implements of my torture”).

Later, he made an opportunity for me to really try it out, and I was so pleasantly surprised! The collar itself is much more comfortable than I would have imagined. There is padding on the inside, and it's made so the leather is soft on the inside. He finally told me to have a look at myself in the mirror, and I was shocked. I really liked the way that I looked in it! It made me feel like he was claiming a little bit more of me, and vainly, it was just aesthetically pleasing. The ankle cuffs were also extremely comfortable, as they were similarly constructed. He informed me that the reason we didn’t go home with wrist cuffs, is because he didn’t like the construction of what was available, and we‘ll wait for the ones that are constructed like the others to be shipped. He wants them to be functional, and pleasing to his eye, but he also wants them to be comfortable for me. I was really touched inside! I know that it shouldn’t shock me that my comfort and safety should be important to him, but little touches like this really do get to me. They make me feel important, and treasured, and just… cherished. Valued. He does have a knack for making me feel special, and this just magnifies that.

So, despite being initially intimidated and scared of the big bad collar, I think I’m going to quite like it! I’m actually looking forward to the next time that I’ll get to wear it for him.

Ideas

I remember reading something either on oatmeal girl’s blog, or perhaps in some of her comments (or both) that has recently started to make a bit of sense to me. An idea can be presented to her by the sadist, and over time it will take root in her head, until she is wanting it.

It’s one of my issues that I am not very forthcoming about my desires. It’s not that I don’t have any, because I do. It’s just hard for me to express the few ones that I do have. I feel that I have to be presented with an idea to really have time to process it and let it take root in my mind. It’s much harder for me to think of something that I would like on my own, especially if it’s out of my experience (which is very limited).

There have been some things that The Dom has mentioned to me, for the eventual future. Things that, while in no way did they repulse me, at the time, they really didn’t do anything for me either. I was definitely willing to explore these things, especially for him, but that was about it.

Now, as time goes on, I am starting to think more and more about these previously mentioned ideas, and they are rapidly gaining appeal, to the point where I am now just … waiting for it to happen. Wanting. Wondering, "when will the time come"? The seed has been planted, and now it’s starting to germinate. And I want to harvest the crop.

Innocence and Safe Words

We joke from time to time about our age difference (which is actually nothing really, just 5 years). He calls himself a “dirty old man”. Yesterday, I asked The Dom, “If you’re a dirty old man, what does that make me?”

“An innocent young girl.”

I initially scoffed at this. Innocent? Young? Me? Really?! I’m well past the age to be considered a “young girl”. And as for innocent… well I should think that ship has sailed by now.

And yet…yes.

Yes, I am an innocent young girl. I thrive on being in that role. I have a need to be seen as innocent, and inexperienced (which I am). I don’t want to take the lead. I don’t want to be the one to do the pursuing, most often. I don’t want to admit to some of my desires. I want to be the corruptee, not the corrupter. And sometimes, I want to be coerced. Persuaded, or “forced” into doing something that I likely want to do already, but I just don’t want to admit it.

This is why the word “no” is not adequate enough for me to be a safe word. I know that some people argue about safe words, and their necessity in certain relationships. Relationships where your Dominant should know you enough that it’s either not necessary, or you both don’t feel that your submission should have a safe word attached, or else it’s not true submission.

I’m not one of those people. At least, not right now. Not certain of the future. Where I am, and where we are, we feel a safe word is necessary. We’re new. We’re getting to know each other. We don’t know my limits. I don’t even have any inkling on what they might be, since they‘ve never been tested. So, I have a safe word. And it makes me feel… safe. It makes me feel more secure in our explorations. The fact that The Dom was so adamant about my having one, now, and no matter where this goes also made me feel a lot more secure, since my well-being is obviously important to him.

So I can continue being his innocent young girl.