Saturday, April 08, 2017

This Is Why I'm Not Out About My Kink

This winter, I spent my time visiting friends and family. I had recently reconnected with a childhood friend; someone I've known since I was in diapers. In college we had a falling out and we drifted apart, but we reconnected when she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding this past summer.

We had a pretty nice visit. She is a homeopathic doctor, and I work outdoors in nature, so we were connecting this way. Over the course of the visit, she asked me some pretty specific questions; questions that I suppose were related to her unofficial diagnosis of me in her head. I realize that for some people turning that part of themselves off is difficult. I have known her my entire life, and I know that her heart is in the right place. So I decided to disclose the truth about the nature of my relationship with Sir to her, especially if she was using the information to have some kind of medical idea about me in her head.

Though she didn't get angry, and we didn't have a fight or anything like that, she made it pretty clear that my kink was not okay. She believes that she can cure me of it. She believes that because of my traumatic childhood, I have sought out kink as a coping mechanism; that if I had a "normal" childhood, I would not need kink.

I explained my views on that pretty thoroughly to her, and let her know that her beliefs, especially as a medical professional, would likely offend many kink clients she may have. She has apparently "cured" a client of kink in the past, and they had mixed feelings in the aftermath about it.

My childhood was not ideal, but I don't feel that overall, I have been traumatized by it. I've worked through it and I'm pretty okay. It certainly could have been worse. I don't feel that I use kink to cope.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I don't need to be cured.

This isn't the first time I've come up against backlash; but I suppose it hurts more coming from a person I've known nearly my entire life, and a person that has dedicated her life to homeopathy. To holistic healing, and to helping people. I figured if anyone would understand, it would be her.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

Don't Forget!

This morning, I left my wristcollar in the bathroom after I went to weigh myself (because obviously I have to do that completely naked; that bracelet could add TONS to my weight, haha!)

Well, Sir has been getting frustrated with me forgetting to put it back on lately. When he found it, he had me face myself down on the couch, and he got out the belt. He struck me over 20 times, asking me, "What did you forget?" repeatedly. Apparently, my first responses weren't submissive enough, contrite enough, perhaps. Eventually they changed and were to his liking. He placed the wristcollar back on, and we went on to have a lovely day.

We watched Pete's Dragon while snacking, and later we went to visit a new park and had a little picnic.

Hopefully I can remember to put the wristcollar RIGHT back on!

Friday, March 24, 2017

Giving Him the Choice

I'm slowly trying to adjust to my schedule, and make things more seamless than they were last year. I've been working on time management- in particular, making sure that I have everything ready to go for the next morning before I go to bed. I'm bathed, clothes set out, teacup washed, teapot washed, lunch for me and for Sir, and breakfast ready before I get into bed.

I've also been trying to work on getting what I can ready in the in-between time where I am  home from work, and am waiting for Sir to get home. I've been using this time to decompress a little; have a snack, watch some HGTV. But I've been cutting that vegging time a little shorter so I can make the next days lunches, and wash dishes before Sir gets home and I start dinner. It works out better than doing it right before bed.

I've been thinking about ways I can be more submissive to Sir and take his needs and wishes more into account. Lately, I've been asking him every day what he prefers for dinner. Usually there are 2 choices. Sometimes he picks what he thinks is the "easier option" to be kind to me. Sometimes he just picks what he wants. One night he wanted neither and really wanted to go out for fish, so we did. But I am making the effort to put his wants first.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Sir's New Car

Exciting news! Sir bought a new (to us) car! His old one finally gave out, and it was cheaper to put the money it would take to fix it temporarily into the down payment for a more reliable vehicle.

This is not Sir's exact car, but the same model.

He traded in his old Hyundai Elantra for a 2014 Nissan Sentra that had less than 7K miles on it. Sir even said he'd take me for a ride in it this weekend! In memoriam of his car, Sir played me this song after I asked him if we could go for a drive in it together:

It just sounds like the perfect moseying along in the car song. Hopefully this one will last him just as long (if not longer) than his previous.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

A Perfect Sunday

I've finally gone back to work for the season, and things have been a bit hectic even before I went. I used my time off to take a few trips to see different family members and friends, a trip to see our nation's capitol (hard for even me to believe I'd never been to DC before), a trip to help my cousin paint a bedroom for her new baby to come, and I had a major oral surgery a few weeks ago that I'm just starting to truly heal. Phew.

The day before I went back to work, Sir planned the perfect Sunday for me.

We had a wonderful lazy morning with fantastic sex. No need to hurry; just taking our time. We stayed in bed afterwards cuddling for awhile before hot showers. Then I made us a french toast breakfast. We ate, and then cuddled some more while watching TV. In the afternoon, he had me drive us somewhere, but he wouldn't tell me where. After running an errand, he brought us to the movies, and we saw Moana. There is a great mom and pop movie theatre by us that shows "out of date" movies, that to me are still pretty new for a huge discount. After the movie, we picked up some Chinese for dinner and continued catching up on Game of Thrones.

A perfectly indulgent Sunday. Sir said he wanted to plan a really nice relaxing day where I didn't have to worry about chores, housework, or other issues, and I could just enjoy myself before going full boar back at work.

Well, he succeeded! Just another reason why I love this man.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

25% of the Way!

Been a bit quiet here. I'd been away, traveling in Raleigh. It was a really nice break to visit friends while I'm on hiatus from work. It was extra nice since they're one of the few friends I have that know about me and Sir. It is so very nice not to have to dance around topics or have to try and not explain why certain relationship advice just won't work.

And because we are human and most social activities revolve around food, the visit also became the eating tour of Raleigh, as it usually does. I'd recently restarted back on MyFitnessPal, with mixed motivation but I have to say - since coming back, I've been a beast with it. Really motivated and sticking to my plan!

Sir has even allowed me to start putting stickers back on my Kitty Chart again. It had been very lonely for quite some time. I am now over 25% of the way there!!

I noticed there were a bunch of blue and green stickers. 
Sir chooses them, and those are his favorite colors, haha!

It has been a nice couple of weeks. Sir and I are preparing to hunker down for the impending snowstorm that should be hitting us any minute now. I hope you are all warm and safe! Or, if it is summery where you are, cool and safe!

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Appropriate Tools

The other day, when Sir was cutting my shirt from my body with a pair of scissors, I had a realization:

"Sir! You picked the fabric scissors to cut my shirt? How appropriate!"

"Yes... I totally picked these... on purpose... totally did not grab whatever pair of scissors I could find...."

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Scissors and Face Slapping

Even after six years, Sir still surprises me.

On our anniversary, I fell asleep after dinner (I know), but the next day we more than made up for it.

Sir came into the kitchen to get himself a drink. He said he was sad because he had just submitted a resume and he already got a "we're not hiring" letter back [he is trying to find a job closer to my work, so we can move and have smaller commutes].

As he finished pouring his soda, I undid my robe, and raised my shirt up. 

"Does this help? Are you feeling less sad?"

He said, "I don't know..."

He flipped me around to face the kitchen window and groped me pretty thoroughly. I kept thinking about the neighbors getting an eyeful. Once he let me go, I came back in to him for a kiss. 

He pinned me there, keeping me against him for quite some time. Then he said I wasn't properly dressed. I looked down. I was wearing a pink camisole, pajama pants, and my big, fluffy, green Legend of Zelda robe. The picture of sexy, no?

But as he walked/pushed me over to the collar cabinet, I realized what he meant.

The BIG Collar.

He placed it around my neck, and spun me around pulling me to him, kissing me until I was fuzzy. He dragged me to the bedroom and threw me down on the bed.

He began hitting my breasts, at his whim. He'd leave, and go into another room. Come back, and start hitting them again.

I was still not appropriately dressed.

"How much do you like that shirt?"

"It's okay, why?"

"What do you think I have behind my back?"

It wasn't the metal spoon holder we use for impact. Or the chain flogger. I knew it was cold and metal, because it had (accidentally?) touched my feet. Finally my brain clicked.


"Very good."

Sir pulled out the pair of scissors. He drew them across my skin. He dug them into the fabric of my shirt, pulling so I could feel it. He  quickly cut away at the shoulder straps, before dragging the scissors down my torso, to the bottom edge of my shirt. Slowly, he started to cut it free. 

Somehow, my brain wanted more. I wanted to feel the blade hit my skin, and Sir obliged. I never thought I would be into knife play... or scissor play. Blade play. I'm pretty confident that if I dragged out that checklist we did way back in the day, it would rate very low; possibly even a soft limit.

It is amazing how things change.

Once my shirt was cut away, Sir resumed smacking my tits. Alternating with drawing the opened scissor blade across my chest. Pressing above my heart. Closing the blade, stopping just around my nipple.

The idea that he could just snap the blade through my nipple if he so chose... I am very glad he did not so choose but everything about it just had me in his thrall.

He resumed smacking my breasts and then... *Crack*

Sir slapped me right in the face. No warning. Nothing.

I don't recall Sir ever doing that before. He told me later he has done this once, but I honestly don't remember. I was completely stunned. At a loss for words. Not at all angry or upset, like I thought I would be. And very, very turned on.

After more swats to my chest, inner thighs, and feet, Sir had me move to the middle of the bed and began to fuck me. He continued to smack me right in the face at random intervals. Each time completely unexpected, and each time, releasing a wave of lust rolling through me. I kept looking up at him, touching his face, his beard. He had the smuggest look on his face. I guess he knew just how great he was doing. I'm not exactly subtle anymore.

Right after he made me come, he pulled out abruptly, another display of his control. I started crying, possibly starting even while I was still in the throes of orgasm. I wasn't sad, but tears were just rolling down my cheeks, and I couldn't really stop them. He allowed me to cuddle on him and pretty much cling there as tears streamed down my cheeks, forming a little puddle on his chest. 

Whenever I experience something new with him, I tend to have some kind of  intense reaction, and definitely want to cling. He said I could have all the time I needed. Once I was ready, I went back to him, to make sure he got to finish, too.

I've kept the shirt. I cannot bring myself to throw it away. Seeing it is a lovely reminder. Perhaps I'll sew it back together... and he can rip it open. Perhaps.

I keep thinking about that scene and my feelings on it. I'm surprised by my positive reactions to the blade play, and to the face slapping. I suppose the dominant and sexual context helps, especially for the slapping. I'm not sure that if he just walked into the kitchen with no prelude and cracked me one I would feel the same as I did in these moments.

But I'm so pleased that after six years, I feel like we are still growing, and that we're continuing to grow closer together.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Six Sexy Years

I made it home in time for our anniversary! Both Sir and I were really pleased.

Six years. I say this every year, but it doesn't seem real. Time flies. It makes me feel old, as in, how can I be old enough to have had this meaningful relationship with anyone for this long? That is some adult shit right there.

Sir and I went out for a nice dinner to celebrate. We got all spiffed up. Sir really dislikes dressing up... he hates wearing ties. But he wore one for me. Just another one of those little things that shows his love, since he knows I like seeing him all formal once in a while.

Sir even managed a smile for this photo!
He selected this satiny dress for me to wear. 

We had a nice dinner out at a local brewery (which was actually a pretty fancy place), and then we came home. Sir said he "had plans" for me. We sat on the couch for a bit and I promptly passed right out though. Typical, haha. He elected to put me to bed. I told him that I could rally, but he told me to get the hell in bed!

The next day, he more than made up for it, though.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Absence Makes My Heart More Submissive

I have been away house-sitting for friends in another state.

It is nice to have time away. Time with their little furballs (I do so miss having a little fluffy something in the house). Time to visit others without any real agenda. But the cost of all this is being away from Sir.

I knew I would be leaving and somehow this made me so much more willing to serve Sir. It was easier for me to get up early and make a special lunch for him for work. To make breakfast. To listen and respond to his commands with an open heart.

Why can I not be like that every day? What is it about knowing that you will be apart that makes a person more willing?

I have missed him very much, in more ways than one. His companionship, his opinions, his speech, his cuddles, and yes of course, his Dominance. I'm craving it, and it is making me needy, especially being so far away.

I should be returning this weekend, just in time for our 6-year anniversary.

I can't wait to put my arms, and other things, around him.

Friday, January 06, 2017

Inebriated Eve

This year, Sir and I had decided that we were going to spend Christmas at home. No crazy travelling trying to please everyone else. It helped that he had to work on Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas, not leaving us the time to drive out to family (we could, but we'd spend more time in the car than visiting if we did that, like we did for Thanksgiving)

Just before Sir got home from work, he called and said he could use a drink. So I went out to get him one. It was evening on Christmas Eve. The proper liquor stores were closed. I did find one weird distributor that was also a bar and also a Chinese food takeout place. So I got us some Apple Ale. After dinner, we cracked open the ale and.... got pretty drunk. This is a novelty for us, especially Sir, who very seldom drinks.

We had a good time watching the Yule Log on our TV and being a couple of silly drunks. We eventually decided that drunk sex was a grand idea... and it was. We had a great time with our uncoordinated sex efforts. Sir left quite a few enormous hickeys on my neck. When we went to visit his family a few days later I pretty much panicked the entire time trying to make sure they were hid.

I could get into this as a new holiday tradition for us - the appeal being in its rarity, of course!

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

You Gotta Count Your Blessings

So 2016 has gone and now comes 2017. This year wasn't all bad for us, but it really tanked during the last part of the year.

I don't want to make this a drawn-out pity party, so to quickly sum up, in the last month or so:

  • Our beloved kitty was diagnosed with lymphoma. We tried to do all we could for him, but we had to let him go right before Christmas. I miss him a lot, and he is tied into grief over my father (he was once my dad's cat... and my brother's... and mine,... and my roommates... then me (again) and Sir's.... kitty has been around). I picked up his ashes today.
  • I went to the ER with some weird heart/vision problems.
  • Mass continued dental issues. 
  • Lots of tests, and the conclusion is something is up with my thyroid but its not bad enough to do anything real about it, despite the symptoms it is causing. Deal with it, I've basically been told, or medicate for anxiety.
  • Some local kids threw a rock through our kitchen window, shattering it. We live in an old house in Amish Country. This required several days of custom work. It is winter. Hooray!
  • There is something up with the furnace and there have been at least 3 days without heat.
  • Unemployment disqualified me for benefits, even though I meet all the requirements. This is especially panic-inducing after the literally thousands of dollars we've spent/borrowed for the kitty, the more thousands on my teeth, the even more thousands because of the ER. I did appeal, but by the time that happens, I'll be back at work
  • I tried to go back to my former part-time job, but due to inactivity they well, made me inactive. I am jumping through hoops to get reinstated so we can stem this monetary hemorrhaging.
I have felt pretty brow-beaten and depressed about all of this. Sir is a little more resilient. I am trying to be positive but it can be difficult at times. I feel it is definitely impacting our relationship. I know Sir does too, he has made a few comments about my depression and that he doesn't know what to do about it. I feel there is nothing really to do... this is normal considering what has been going on. I don't think it will be forever, and we certainly can't afford to spend more money for me to seek professional help. I'm not sure it warrants professional help at this point, but it is on the table for the future.

I know it is impacting our D/s... I feel bad for that, and I am trying to work on it, but you can't just flip a switch and make problems and how you feel about them go away.

Everything isn't all bad. We had a novel Christmas at home with each other, and we ARE blessed in many different ways - I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Here is to a happy, healthy 2017!
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