Sunday, February 21, 2016

Wearing My Collar in Public... Again

Last night I went out to a vanilla meetup to chat with some fellow geek ladies. I decided to walk there to burn off the calories of eating everything at the movies earlier with Sir. It's not a far walk, about 15 minutes. I reach the place, take off my coat, start to take off my scarf.... and feel my collar. I stop, and very ungraciously mention that I have to go to the bathroom. I could have sworn someone was starting to ask what my necklace was, since it was neat, but I think my abrupt statement cut them off.

I went to the bathroom... debating. Do I take it off? Do I just hide it behind my shirt... you could still see the clasp behind my neck though... in the end, I took it off, and folded it into my scarf. I came out of the bathroom, feeling a bit awkward. No one said anything. But I knew.

What would have been the harm in saying screw it, I'm leaving it on? If anyone asks I can either say it's a necklace or tell them the truth. But I suppose I wasn't yet ready. These ladies don't know me really well. They don't know where I live. They know my profession, but I doubt anything bad would happen by me being honest about that... and yet that fear is there. That somehow it will affect my career and therefore me and Sir's livelihood. My family is too far away for someone to see. But I suppose I just don't trust people. And Sir and I are not in a place, I feel, that any repercussions could just roll off our backs. I forget sometimes when I am with like minded cool people that this area we now live in is extremely conservative, even backwards (to my mind) in beliefs and thinking. I just don't want anything bad to happen to us. Maybe that wouldn't be an issue but I feel like it's a huge risk that I can't take.

Funny though, this has been the second time this week I've left the house with my collar on. It's just so light that I don't even think about it being there. Or maybe I've just been so used to not taking anything off, since I stay in the house most of the time. I need to be careful because I'm going back to work in a couple weeks and I CANNOT afford to expose myself in my career.

I just hate that I feel it's necessary to hide who we are. I do wonder if a day will come where we'll be in a place where we can be freer.... or if we decide that the risks of being found out, and any repercussions that may come of it are worth it. Fight the idiots that don't mind their own business, and the like.

Maybe one day.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know when you wrote this but... I understand how you feel about it. And I, too, wish that some day we can live in a world where we can be really free. There should be a separate world for people like us. No judgement. No fera of losing out jobs.

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