I've been away for a few days, just getting back last night. My brother and mother needed help with my dad's affairs. I thought they were handling the finances stuff, since I handled the closing of his apartment and dealt with all his worldy possessions (all my dad's stuff is in our basement at the moment). But my mom really needs help - she gets confused by all of this and thinking about my dad *really* depresses her. I thought my brother was helping, but it's nearly 7 months later and not much has gotten done.
I drive three and a half hours out there, staying for 5 days, unplanned. My brother, though he lives 20 minutes away from my mom and sees her several times a month has not once looked at any of her paperwork. Has not once sat down with her side by side and helped her with all of this stuff. But he calls me a few times a month blowing his top about how he doesn't understand why everything is taking so long. He thinks it's a matter of signing a few papers. 1-2-3 Boom. He actually said that: "We'll go over there, it will be 1-2-3 Boom, and it will all be over and done in an hour." Um, no. It took me 3 hours just to go through all the paperwork that was mailed to me. Creditors, union benefits stuff etc. Let alone the applications, pensions, life insurance, social security, and tax paperwork etc.
I got more done in the few days I was there helping her than he has in 7 months. I love them, but it's frustrating. Sir and I agreed that I am not going back there to help with this again. I will see them of course, as I love them. But they have to get their shit together. If my brother calls me again because stuff is not getting done, I am washing my hands of it. Read the paperwork. Obtain supporting documents. Help her with the applications, getting around, sending things certified mail. Stop being a retard who thinks everything just magically gets done. My mother is a recovering addict with diagnosed mental illness. Years of substance abuse plus psychiatric drugs has addled her brains. Couple that with the grief of losing her husband, and she really just can't handle all this on her own. I asked her about one simple document and she was so drained from that small exchange that she needed to go lay down. And she has been doing all of this by herself, without help. Unfortunately, she is the executor by default as the remaining spouse (there was no will), so legally this falls on her shoulders. But that doesn't mean we can't help her. I just can't drop everything to drive to New York City at my brother's whim because he's too irresponsible to help. End of family rant.
I finally got back last night. I quickly did my workout and crawled into bed. I didn't get up this morning with Sir. I asked permission to sleep in. I'd not been getting sleep while I was out there and I just wanted to revel in the comfort of my own bed without having to get up at dawn. This morning when I got up, I was a little bit annoyed. The house seems completely trashed. I know I didn't leave it in the best state - I left in sort of a whirlwind. But Sir I don't think cleaned or maintained a single thing while I was gone. Every dinner plate we own was dirty. There were dishes piling out of the sink, on every available surface of the kitchen: the countertops, the stove, the cart. Cardboard boxes in the living room. Plates on the tables. Sir said he went to the store, but the fridge is empty. It just feels like he made no real effort. I was and am a little annoyed. Is it too much of me to think he should try to take care of that stuff while I'm gone? Do I need to be more explicit and remind him with a list, taking control (which I hate)? On the other hand, I'm a stay at home sub at the moment, so should it me all on me? I was only gone 5 days. I'm not sure exactly what right is in our current situation.
I think I'm working on trying to put my service hat back on my head. I put my chain around my neck. I started the dishes. I made calls to ensure we'd have money this month. Started taxes. And while I'm doing these things, I'm trying to come at them from the mindset of "these things will help Sir". Sir will appreciate seeing dishes done. Sir will appreciate money for bills and food.
Sitting here while typing, I just noticed that for the first time, Sir has used the whiteboard. He'd set me 4 tasks for the day:
I think seeing this has helped me "get over myself" today. All the things I wrote, the annoyance of the house being the way it was, the disrespect I felt at it being acceptable for me to come home to this... well, it doesn't go away, but reading that he has left me instructions and was thinking about what I should do today... it helps. I have completed most of these tasks, on chance. It's odd, reading the 4 items, my brain automatically translates into just 2 tasks. Loving on the cat is something I do anyway, allll day. And as far as "relax".... well I'm home all day today so feel like it's default. I suppose that I could do something with the express purpose of relaxing, but with so much to do, it feels like walking backwards.
I've had enough time to be lazy. It's time to get back on track. Again.
I drive three and a half hours out there, staying for 5 days, unplanned. My brother, though he lives 20 minutes away from my mom and sees her several times a month has not once looked at any of her paperwork. Has not once sat down with her side by side and helped her with all of this stuff. But he calls me a few times a month blowing his top about how he doesn't understand why everything is taking so long. He thinks it's a matter of signing a few papers. 1-2-3 Boom. He actually said that: "We'll go over there, it will be 1-2-3 Boom, and it will all be over and done in an hour." Um, no. It took me 3 hours just to go through all the paperwork that was mailed to me. Creditors, union benefits stuff etc. Let alone the applications, pensions, life insurance, social security, and tax paperwork etc.
I got more done in the few days I was there helping her than he has in 7 months. I love them, but it's frustrating. Sir and I agreed that I am not going back there to help with this again. I will see them of course, as I love them. But they have to get their shit together. If my brother calls me again because stuff is not getting done, I am washing my hands of it. Read the paperwork. Obtain supporting documents. Help her with the applications, getting around, sending things certified mail. Stop being a retard who thinks everything just magically gets done. My mother is a recovering addict with diagnosed mental illness. Years of substance abuse plus psychiatric drugs has addled her brains. Couple that with the grief of losing her husband, and she really just can't handle all this on her own. I asked her about one simple document and she was so drained from that small exchange that she needed to go lay down. And she has been doing all of this by herself, without help. Unfortunately, she is the executor by default as the remaining spouse (there was no will), so legally this falls on her shoulders. But that doesn't mean we can't help her. I just can't drop everything to drive to New York City at my brother's whim because he's too irresponsible to help. End of family rant.
I finally got back last night. I quickly did my workout and crawled into bed. I didn't get up this morning with Sir. I asked permission to sleep in. I'd not been getting sleep while I was out there and I just wanted to revel in the comfort of my own bed without having to get up at dawn. This morning when I got up, I was a little bit annoyed. The house seems completely trashed. I know I didn't leave it in the best state - I left in sort of a whirlwind. But Sir I don't think cleaned or maintained a single thing while I was gone. Every dinner plate we own was dirty. There were dishes piling out of the sink, on every available surface of the kitchen: the countertops, the stove, the cart. Cardboard boxes in the living room. Plates on the tables. Sir said he went to the store, but the fridge is empty. It just feels like he made no real effort. I was and am a little annoyed. Is it too much of me to think he should try to take care of that stuff while I'm gone? Do I need to be more explicit and remind him with a list, taking control (which I hate)? On the other hand, I'm a stay at home sub at the moment, so should it me all on me? I was only gone 5 days. I'm not sure exactly what right is in our current situation.
I think I'm working on trying to put my service hat back on my head. I put my chain around my neck. I started the dishes. I made calls to ensure we'd have money this month. Started taxes. And while I'm doing these things, I'm trying to come at them from the mindset of "these things will help Sir". Sir will appreciate seeing dishes done. Sir will appreciate money for bills and food.
Sitting here while typing, I just noticed that for the first time, Sir has used the whiteboard. He'd set me 4 tasks for the day:
I think seeing this has helped me "get over myself" today. All the things I wrote, the annoyance of the house being the way it was, the disrespect I felt at it being acceptable for me to come home to this... well, it doesn't go away, but reading that he has left me instructions and was thinking about what I should do today... it helps. I have completed most of these tasks, on chance. It's odd, reading the 4 items, my brain automatically translates into just 2 tasks. Loving on the cat is something I do anyway, allll day. And as far as "relax".... well I'm home all day today so feel like it's default. I suppose that I could do something with the express purpose of relaxing, but with so much to do, it feels like walking backwards.
I've had enough time to be lazy. It's time to get back on track. Again.
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