Just a few more days and then I feel like I can hopefully truly start working on myself and make progress for Sir.
I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.
I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.
I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.
Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.
He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.
I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.
I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.
I have two more days of work before the winter lay-off. This weekend is Sir's birthday. I've picked up a few things that I really believe he'll enjoy. I have no idea what we'll actually be doing this weekend though. I've asked him a few times for his preference, but he hasn't given one. Maybe we'll go catch a movie and go out to eat. Sir has a big love for going out to the movies, so that could be a good time for him.
I'm not exactly sure when it stopped, but for the past several weeks I have not been wearing my collar. I took it off and put it by the bedside table when getting ready for work one day (which is NOT where it goes), and I just... didn't put it back on when I got home. For weeks.
I would look at it sitting on that table, and I just ... .didn't do anything. Finally last week I put it in the collar cabinet, though where it really should be is on me.
Even though it wasn't a deliberate act, I do have to wonder if not wearing the collar is a subconscious representation of how our relationship has been. Don't get me wrong- I love Sir, and I would say that even with the awful shit that's been going on lately, we are solid. There's just no D/s. And he knows it.
He mentioned a few days ago that he intends on re-collaring me. Maybe giving it some pomp and circumstance in being re-collared will lend reverence to the importance it has in our lives. Because it is important. But I've not been wearing it for so long (and he never said/did anything) that I feel like just casually placing it back around my neck would be wrong. Not my place.
I have been wearing my wristcollar this whole time though. So there is always that reminder that I am his. But with the big collar gone, it's not the same, and I guess that is how our D/s life is at the moment. I am still his, but things are ... different.
I'm not sure when he'll decide that I will wear his collar again. If I have to earn it, or if he will just actively start taking control again with demands/rules and enforcing consequences. I don't even know if I'll be ready. But I think that if he makes me, I will be.
When I fall in a bad spot, a place that I feel alone, it's so hard to put on the collar and I usually don't--I just don't have it in me. Sometimes, we have to do things when we don't feel ready because we need it...
ReplyDeleteHug!
This is a good thought. I hope that Sir will know if I need it... I think with his guidance, I can do this.
DeleteSometimes I took it off as an act of defiance, rebellion, a rejection of the D/s aspect of our relationship, angry, hurt. Sometimes I took it off just because I needed to know I could. Sometimes I took it off out of sadness, because we weren't 'doing it right' or like I thought we should be and it was a reminder of 'failure' (I've since wised up and have learned to stop being so harsh and rigid, judging us by other people's benchmarks). Sometimes I took it off because it was simply physically uncomfortable or I felt sick and needed it off. Sometimes he was upset about it, sometimes he talked to me about it, but never made a big deal out of it, would just ask me to put it back on. And usually, I would, and we'd go on just fine. We're better now than we've ever been, happier with each other and our lives together than we've ever been- and we're learning not to fuss so much about the D/s stuff, but to just let it happen when it happens and enjoy it and not worry that it's not everpresent. It's easy to pick back up and fall back into the roles whenever we want, and it works out better for us to only be 'on' when we can, instead of trying to force it and stress out about it. My point- I don't think you have to worry about it "going away". I think, if you two are on the same page, you'll be able to pick it back up just fine when you're ready and able to. Be patient with yourself- you've been through a lot lately but it sounds like things will be alright.
ReplyDeleteUsually I have not been wearing it because I literally forgot (and put it on as soon as I remembered), or it was inappropriate for the situation. This is the first time I can say I haven't worn it because of pure apathy/depression.
DeleteI think for us, it is important. Not wearing it is a big deal. And I think that if we wait to fall back into these roles... I don't think it will happen organically. I'm not quite myself these days, and it's going to be work. I think Sir and I prefer a more structured approach to D/s stuff, so for it to not be there feels wrong (for us). Life changes, things ebb and flow, but maybe we should keep to some basics. I guess things were flowing really well before it happened... probably the best it's been for us so far. So for it to blow up so horribly, really because of me is hard. I think I feel almost personally responsible for the deterioration of our relationship. I know what caused my issues is not my fault, but how I deal with it is. Sir has been great and is not pushing me too hard, but I could see us potentially not getting "us" back if I don't start putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. I know we can do this. It just seems like staring up at the summit of the mountain from the bottom.
i feel the same way... i just want Him to take control... So far, every time He has tried, i have fought against it... But we keep trying... i feel like one of these times, it will stick...
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