Sir and I have stayed up many nights the past couple of weeks just talking in bed after we turn the lights off about our future (both D/s and otherwise).
treasure kindly reached out to me after I wrote some of my feelings on resisting. Without replaying the entire conversation here (a private message is private after all) she gave me a lot of food for thought (and a lot more confidence - things don't just happen overnight, just take one small step at a time). One thing that has really stuck in my mind however, was that the only way I could really start turning everything over to Sir was to really get my soul to believe that this is what I really want and need. She asked: Do you need (not want) to give Him the control?
I struggled with that. The idea of needing vs. wanting submission. Over many days I've found that yes, I do need it. We need it. Could I live without it? Yes, I could. I am capable of being vanilla in my romantic relationship. But not forever. Over time, our relationship would fail, I think. We would be miserable and probably end up parting ways; heartbroken.
My initial answer when reading that question wasn't a yes that burst forth from my being from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. And I think that I should be that confident in my response to that question. Do I need to submit? If the answer is no, then what the hell are we doing here for the past 4 years, you know?
I was thinking that I was letting some trust issues get in the way of really giving up control to Sir. And that everything was failing because of that. But really... it's not. Yes, we're having a bumpy time trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work for us. But I think Sir and I really overlooked something major when analyzing our situation.
I'm not the only one who needs to make progress and grow. Sir and I focus so much on me growing as a submissive. But Sir also needs to grow as a dominant. Sir recognizes that his perfect submissive isn't something that I'm going to just wake up and be tomorrow. It is something that we have to work towards and shape. It is likewise for him. He isn't going to be the perfect dominant (and no human beings are really perfect ever), overnight. Becoming the dominant that he wants to be (and that I would need him to be to make our relationship work) isn't going to happen overnight. Things aren't going to magically come together. We have to both work to figure it out. One way we thought of helping him grow is to really make him mindful of it. I reflect much in writing this blog. Sir says it is an invaluable resource when it comes to getting into my head. I find that it also helps me grow as a submissive when I'm actively engaged in thinking about it, both my own feelings and experiences, as well as others. It's why I love interacting with other people and their blogs. Sir is thinking that perhaps he should start a journal or something so he can really begin that self-analysis. I think it would work wonders for him.
I was struggling with the idea of giving up so much control to Sir especially all at once with the new rules, behaviors, procedures, and protocols he's developing, and feeling that it was because I couldn't trust him in some regard. Well, that's partially true. But I think that I should replace the word trust with fear. I don't fear Sir. I fear what will happen if things don't work out like we want them to. I fear that he won't be consistent, that he won't plan fully and think ahead. that things will slip by and we won't grow as people. That things will stop working for us. That we will get complacent and vanilla and bored. That we will be unhappy. So I suppose I don't trust that it is actually going to happen. But can that not happen over time? Little by little? We can BOTH work on his control and my submission with one thing at a time. Reinstating things that he has had past control over is a good step. They're things we're comfortable with doing. Like controlling how I dress. I tried to go deeper with it, accept it more fully and put a pair of capri shorts into the donation bag. The less pants I own, the more I HAVE to adhere to dress code. But I just put ONE. One little thing at a time. I have maybe a handful more pairs of shorts/pants etc to add. Over time, I'll part with them and accept his control of this. And I'll trust him to be on top of me if he catches me wanting to put on a pair of sweatpants and stroll out the door.
We spoke of our life sort of being "on hold". Yes, we moved in together. Yes, we moved 160 miles from our family and former social circle (thus freeing us up to be more open about kink, and seek information/companionship from the larger community with less risk of being outed). Yes, Sir is working on advancing his career. But ultimately, this is not where we plan to really settle down and live our lives. And in a way, it's a weird sort of headspace we've put ourselves in. Almost like the things we do here "don't matter" because this isn't our real life... yet. We're throwing ourselves into this crazy endeavor for 2 years so Sir can hone the skills he needs to develop a career he will have for the rest of his life. It is stressful. I am finding that I have to support Sir in a "bossy" fashion more than we ever thought I'd need to, not just financially, but to help keep him on task. This is to help him, of course. It's hard to keep a submissive mindset when I'm "telling him what to do" essentially. But I think if we change HOW we think of it, things like that could be part of my submission to him. I am serving him by being bossy and telling him what he needs to do, if it is what he needs to keep him on track academically. If it is what he needs to hear in order to help around the house and not burn out his submissive. This is what is working for us right now. I try to phrase things more submissively: "Sir, there are dishes in the sink," instead of "Sir, do these dishes". That way it is Sir's decision on whether or not to do them, I'm just making him aware. Control will go from me to him, one little thing at a time. Even though our life can be "on hold" we can still live it NOW, and do what is right for us now. We can work on attaining those far-off goals, today.
What we really need is a plan, and I believe Sir agrees. Sir and I speak a lot about the future, about our wants for life, submission and otherwise. But I think to actually sit down and plan out HOW to accomplish these things will really help. If Sir decides he wants me to get myself into such shape to be able to wear a corset, then we need a plan as to how that will occur. Step 1 is working on my back health/posture, which we're starting. Step 2... needs to be figured out. Things like that. Once his rules are completed, maybe we'll have a baseline of what those things will be. What areas he truly wants control over. One thing we both agree on, is he doesn't want to control my bodily functions. He wants no part of what I do in the bathroom. This is different than, "May I go to the bathroom", because I'm really asking permission to leave his side, not permission to excrete right then and there. He wants that door closed when I'm in there.
So, thank you treasure. Your words really do mean a lot to me, and I take them to heart. It has helped me (and him) ask those important questions that will shape our relationship. It has helped us realize what we really want (and need!) from each other. And it has given us a direction for our future. I really look up to you and your "can do it" disposition, and consider you a friend.