Thursday, January 08, 2015

Resistance

I've been thinking of resistance, change, and progress lately.

Sir and I have been trying to figure out how things work now that we've moved in together. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster. I understand that it will take time to figure out how things will function best for us. Sir has indicated that some of the issues we've been having in setting up and maintaining our D/s household are due to him learning just how to live on his own (again), and live with a romantic partner for the first time. The parameters are a bit different than when you live alone, or with roommates/family. Many of the issues we've been having he feels stems from a lack of awareness of what needs to be done. As he figures things out, they get better.

We've been making a lot of changes over the past few months. Expectations had been set up stemming naturally from how we were running the house and our lives. Habits, and norms have been allowed to develop. And now that we're trying to go in a specific direction, lots of talk about specific rules and customary behaviors have gone on.

I find myself resisting. I don't mean to... and I was going to say that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if that's quite true. I don't want to find myself at odds with Sir and his wishes for our relationship. I do wish I was more naturally accepting of the changes we make. Sir has drafted a few versions of rules, procedures, behaviors in the past couple of weeks. I find myself questioning every paragraph, asking for clarification, or sometimes challenging. I feel like if I wanted to make progress, my want to change would overcome my feelings of resistance.

I don't wanna...

I was the one who indicated a need for more structure, but reading those rules last night, I felt like it was way too much. It's so much change in  a small time period. I think that perhaps once we have a final draft that only really includes things that matter over ideas he's just kicking around it will help also. I was thinking to myself, "Does he really care about this behavior/rule?" Why is it actually here - is it just to give me something to do, or does it really matter to him?

Even with simple things he definitely DOES care about - like wearing my wristcollar, I struggle. I take it off sometimes when cooking or doing the dishes, etc. so that it doesn't get damaged. And I forget to put it back on right away. Often. I got cornertime yesterday for it. It's happened many, many times. Why can't I just put it back on - what is this resistance I have?

Sir has given me a collar to wear and show my service to him. But I fight that too. It's too bulky, too tight, too sticky, too cumbersome.... etc. I should work instead on figuring out how to live with it... but I know that deep down - I don't want to! Apparently I am resistant to giving up my own comfort. It's a struggle I've also had in not using furniture - my back has been killing me lately. Sir has noticed too. He decided yesterday that I am permitted the use of the furniture again because it was not fully accomplishing what he wanted - to remind me of my place, to make me appreciate the simple things. I think that I was getting there slowly, I accepted not using the furniture. I bore the discomfort. But Sir wants me to relax, and play video games. It's really hard to do that for an extended period of time on the floor. I get so uncomfortable that I don't want to play anymore. I'd taken to standing with the computer at the kitchen table (with his acknowledgement), or using a bar stool, but it didn't help. He feels that the unintended side effect of causing back pain on a daily basis was too much of an interference in what he wanted to accomplish. He wants to find a different way to push that idea towards me. He thinks he may use it to correct negative behaviors, or as an express punishment, but I am using furniture again.

I feel a little bit like a bad sub. That my failure to fully accept this rule due to experiencing pain manipulated the situation so that it was changed to my benefit. I didn't actively try to manipulate the situation, but I still feel that it happened. If I had made my pain less known, if I had been more graceful, perhaps I would be sitting on the floor now instead of the couch. But I see the logic in Sir's decision too. It's just difficult to accept my own failures.

I wonder if resistance and change are a cycle when trying to make progress. I think back, and there are things I was initially resistant to, mentally and physically that I accept as normal now. Wearing collars (even the big collar), kneeling, domestic service, pain, accepting orders, bondage. I remember freaking out the first time we used the Wartenberg wheel, (or a vibrator for that matter). Now I can handle it.

So, perhaps with time I will overcome all the resistance and pushing-back feelings I am experiencing.
Perhaps change, for us works like: New rules/expectations ---> Resistance  ---> Enforcing Rules/Expecatations (Punishment), Time to make it a habit ---> Progress.

With more time perhaps I will accept these changes, and with more enforcement. I think that when Sir doesn't enforce things, in my mind they must not actually be important to him, so I learn not to really care about them either.


I will try and be focused on what the rules and procedures are going to be, and getting excited about them, instead of fearing them.  I hope I can be more accepting of Sir's structure, and learn to let go... I think once I can do that, I will really be able to go deeper in my service and submission to Sir. Some of this I think has to do with trust. I need to be able to trust Sir more - believe that he will do what he says he will. I don't want to dig my heels in when he pushes me, I need to learn that accepting his dominance will truly let me fly...

2 comments:

  1. Something that really helps me stay on track with a rule that doesn't seem to get enforced or really seem to be that important in to tell myself that He wouldn't have made the rule if it wasn't important to Him at one point. Sometimes i will ask Him why this rule or that rule are important. He lives explaining things to me, so that also helps me understand the importance behind something that seems unimportant...

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  2. As long as there is an actual explanation when a rule is put in place, I think I'm fine. There were some rules that he put in though that had no real explanation. And I know that he won't enforce them, so it will go by the wayside eventually.

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