Monday, December 22, 2014

When I Flung the Collar

The other day, we had a "bad day". I'm not sure exactly what the trigger was - but at the end of the evening, when I had been working on the floor writing for about two hours, it was time for bed. I was achy, and exhausted, and realized that I couldn't go to bed yet. There was a sink full of dishes, food from dinner still out, I hadn't made lunch for Sir or myself, etc etc. Something just snapped in me.

I had just had it. I could feel the weight of my responsibilities all around me, and as they added up in my head, I felt like my collar was becoming tighter and tighter, until I couldn't take it. I was feeling like I do EVERYTHING around here, and vanilla girlfriend brain was really fighting to keep cool.

It seemed like for the first time, I could feel the weight of my submission in the collar around my neck. And it was uncomfortable. But... should submission be comfortable? I think there is an argument for either case. Submission is hard work, and hard work can be arduous and uncomfortable. But over time, the things that were new, weird, and uncomfortable, become familiar, and comforting. I just don't think I'm there yet. I think part of it is that sometimes I don't feel I'm supported around the house. Sir pretty much leaves everything up to me as far as taking care of the household and our lives. And I can accept that as part of my responsibilities, but pretty soon, I won't have the free time I do now to handle it. I'm trying to get a job where the hours and workload are going to be crazy (for increased pay so we can live, we're just not making it on my crappy salary right now), and there will be no way I can possibly do it all and fulfill my work duties unless Sir picks up the slack. Which.... he really doesn't. He'll help me if I ask him, or if he sees that I'm 3 seconds from a breakdown, but other than that, it doesn't occur to him.

So, I'm in the kitchen, trying to get the things that I absolutely have to do complete before bed, and this huge fucking collar is just digging into me, and squeezing and I felt like if I didn't do something about it, it was going to lose it. Initially, I wasn't even going to remove it, I was just going to loosen it one notch, so I didn't feel so claustrophobic. But the silly thing just wouldn't come off, and I was getting more and more frustrated and hyperventilating. When I finally got it off, I flung it across the room. I remember looking angrily at it. Sir came in to see the commotion. I picked it up, immediately regretting flinging it and he helped me adjust it to a looser state.

We didn't say anything, but this is a BIG. DEAL. At least, I feel like it is. I mean, I took my collar, which I just "earned" back, removed it, and flung it across the kitchen, where it hit the floor. I threw my collar on the floor. Is that not a moment of rejecting everything it stands for? My submission to Sir, our relationship?

After I finished my tasks in the kitchen, I joined Sir in our bed. I was too worked up now to go right to sleep, so I sat there, stewing. I didn't know what to say. No matter what my feelings, throwing my collar is wrong. Letting it be on the floor, at all, is wrong. Even when I take a shower, I make sure it is on a shelf, or windowsill, just anywhere that is not the floor because I feel like letting it be on the floor removes it as a thing of value, and is disrespectful.

What was I thinking? We talked about it and Sir thinks that I am feeling the strain of the house. I suppose I am. I am doing all the Holiday stuff right now, Christmas cards, and gifts, and holiday plans. I'm also interviewing for jobs in between taking day-to-day jobs. I'm still doing all the chores and bills and day to day things.  I guess that I feel like... it is absolutely okay if Sir decides that all this is part of my submission. I just wish that it was purposeful. This all being part of my domestic service seems like an afterthought. Sir doesn't think about it, but someone has to and it has to get done, so it falls on me. I suppose that sometimes, I wish he felt like he wanted to help out here. And I don't think he does until he can see the stress breaking me now and again. He told me that he was going to take the dishes as his responsibility. I appreciated the offer. But I also felt awful. I feel like I am failing him in a way. This is what I'm supposed to do to help him, not the other way around. But another side of me wanted to see how that would work out. So for 2 entire days, dishes accumulated in the sink until Sir realized I couldn't cook because there were no dishes. He said I wouldn't get in trouble for doing them, that he'd never punish me for doing chores. But I wasn't sure because he told me I was not to do them. Sir did them yesterday, and I took over finishing. It makes me feel bad to see him doing "my" dishes. So, I'm not sure where we stand right now on that. I also feel like if I leave this up to Sir, I might as well do them anyway.

When Sir and I talked, in the most tactful way possible, he asked if it was nearing my time of the month. And, actually, he's right, it is. We have found that I do have hormonal changes. My body responds differently to pain, and I get crabbier for no apparent reason. Usually, if I'm crabby it's because I haven't eaten.

So maybe its just a ball of stress and hormones that exploded all over the place and after the holidays it will all be fine.

In the meantime, Sir emailed me 4 collars and asked me to choose one and why. He said that he doesn't think I'm ready to wear this collar 24/7 yet. I think he might be right, but I wish he wasn't.  He wanted to pick something for everyday wear that might help me progress to wearing this collar everyday. I feel like I am going backwards in progress, but that being said, sometimes, I do hate this collar. I don't really hate what it means, but it is just... annoying. I hate sleeping in it. Sir woke me up last night because I was snoring (this collar makes me snore at night). It sticks to my neck, digs into my flesh and is a pain to sleep comfortably in. During the day there are times where I feel like all I can feel is the collar. I wish I didn't feel like that, and the resistance wasn't there. But it is. I don't know how to combat it and be at peace with this huge collar. I suppose working up to it everyday - training is a start. But I know that I am going to feel like I've failed Sir for awhile.

I suppose we'll see how we are in January after all this madness subsides.

5 comments:

  1. So from what I'm reading, you're responsible for doing all the chores (except for the dishes that he just offered to take over), paying the bills, making the holiday plans, and you're the only one working and bringing in money for you both to live on. And you're doing all this for him, and submitting, and he still doesn't think you're "worthy" of his collar yet? And he's got you wearing a big uncomfortable collar that seems to be affecting your breathing, even making you sleep in it? And you're wondering why you're feeling frustrated? It kills me that you're blaming it on hormones or exhaustion, hell yes, you're exhausted, because it sounds like you're doing all the work and your partner seems to be coasting along reaping all the benefits and not contributing equal time and work to keep the household going and take care of you. There's a shocker, huh? The dom/master is actually supposed to be concerned about your health, welfare, and happiness, and it sounds like all he's doing is letting you burn yourself out. You can ask for a more equal division of labor around the house, especially if you're working and he's not. He should be helping out more. You're living together, you're both responsible for the upkeep of the house, chores, errands, etc. and it shouldn't be falling all on your shoulders, especially not if you're struggling and need help. You need to let him know this, and he needs to step up and take much more of the responsibilities off your shoulders or things will get worse and you will reach the point where you can't take anymore and collapse. Even if you're in a 24/7 M/s relationship, any master worth belonging to will make sure his property isn't burning herself out while he sits back and lets her do it. That's more like taking advantage of someone, and I hope that's not the case for you. You need to speak to him and ask for his help, ask for him to do more to help out, till you can get through the day without being burned out and exhausted. A happier, more rested, more relaxed slave/sub will be able to serve their dom/master better anyway, so it's a win/win. Good luck.

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    1. Hi Tamar,

      Your words really helped me (and him). We've been talking about how I feel like I am shouldering too much for awhile now (months), but it has finally come to a head for him with this. I don't want it to seem like my Sir is some lazy misogynist. He goes to school full time and does care about me and my welfare, but he DOES need to consider the home and how I am managing more. I just wish it didn't take a heated incident to do it.

      I really appreciate youir thoughts about burnout. I think that is where he and I failed. I feel like all the things I do around here isn't *that* much,... but it is. It's time consuming and stress inducing. I suppose because we don't have kids and I'm not currently working a taxing job, I feel like I should be able to do all this. But it's not a fair distribution of work, and that burnout makes for a not so great submissive (as he's noticed the past few weeks).

      I have spoken with him, and asked for his help. The turnaround of this has been a series of conversations that are slowly turning things around (I hope)

      Thanks.

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  2. i am glad that you were able to speak with him about the issues and he is looking at ways to adjust things for you. Every household is different and there have been times when i have felt like throwing collars and everything on the floor and just pitching a fit. That feeling that i am doing everything myself is very familiar to me. When i start to feel that way, i have to tell Papa Bear. He will then help me see how unfounded it is or use it as a way to adjust things in our household if i am justifiably feeling overwhelmed...

    It is so hard, as a slave, to accept that we are also human... Sigh...

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    Replies
    1. We've been in constant conversation. Even before this came to a head, we've talked repeatedly about how I feel like I do pretty much everything and since I started working, I sometimes feel like it is too much. But nothing really changed until that day.

      I find that I express myself differently when I write over when I just speak with him, and it gives us both insight into the situation. Sir wants to know how I'm feeling at all times. I dont want to paint him as a caveman-esque jerk, he just needs to think a bit more about the whole of our lives, not compartmentalize.

      It IS hard for me to accept I am human. It is hard for me to ask for help, or admit when something is too much for me. It is something I am slowly learning, especially with this incident.

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  3. I can relate to this feeling, and to those expressed in your replies to comments. But I will reiterate, it wasn't a case of bad submissive, it was an human reaction to an overwhelming situation.
    Be kind to yourself :)

    Flip x

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