I had just had it. I could feel the weight of my responsibilities all around me, and as they added up in my head, I felt like my collar was becoming tighter and tighter, until I couldn't take it. I was feeling like I do EVERYTHING around here, and vanilla girlfriend brain was really fighting to keep cool.
It seemed like for the first time, I could feel the weight of my submission in the collar around my neck. And it was uncomfortable. But... should submission be comfortable? I think there is an argument for either case. Submission is hard work, and hard work can be arduous and uncomfortable. But over time, the things that were new, weird, and uncomfortable, become familiar, and comforting. I just don't think I'm there yet. I think part of it is that sometimes I don't feel I'm supported around the house. Sir pretty much leaves everything up to me as far as taking care of the household and our lives. And I can accept that as part of my responsibilities, but pretty soon, I won't have the free time I do now to handle it. I'm trying to get a job where the hours and workload are going to be crazy (for increased pay so we can live, we're just not making it on my crappy salary right now), and there will be no way I can possibly do it all and fulfill my work duties unless Sir picks up the slack. Which.... he really doesn't. He'll help me if I ask him, or if he sees that I'm 3 seconds from a breakdown, but other than that, it doesn't occur to him.
So, I'm in the kitchen, trying to get the things that I absolutely have to do complete before bed, and this huge fucking collar is just digging into me, and squeezing and I felt like if I didn't do something about it, it was going to lose it. Initially, I wasn't even going to remove it, I was just going to loosen it one notch, so I didn't feel so claustrophobic. But the silly thing just wouldn't come off, and I was getting more and more frustrated and hyperventilating. When I finally got it off, I flung it across the room. I remember looking angrily at it. Sir came in to see the commotion. I picked it up, immediately regretting flinging it and he helped me adjust it to a looser state.
We didn't say anything, but this is a BIG. DEAL. At least, I feel like it is. I mean, I took my collar, which I just "earned" back, removed it, and flung it across the kitchen, where it hit the floor. I threw my collar on the floor. Is that not a moment of rejecting everything it stands for? My submission to Sir, our relationship?
After I finished my tasks in the kitchen, I joined Sir in our bed. I was too worked up now to go right to sleep, so I sat there, stewing. I didn't know what to say. No matter what my feelings, throwing my collar is wrong. Letting it be on the floor, at all, is wrong. Even when I take a shower, I make sure it is on a shelf, or windowsill, just anywhere that is not the floor because I feel like letting it be on the floor removes it as a thing of value, and is disrespectful.
What was I thinking? We talked about it and Sir thinks that I am feeling the strain of the house. I suppose I am. I am doing all the Holiday stuff right now, Christmas cards, and gifts, and holiday plans. I'm also interviewing for jobs in between taking day-to-day jobs. I'm still doing all the chores and bills and day to day things. I guess that I feel like... it is absolutely okay if Sir decides that all this is part of my submission. I just wish that it was purposeful. This all being part of my domestic service seems like an afterthought. Sir doesn't think about it, but someone has to and it has to get done, so it falls on me. I suppose that sometimes, I wish he felt like he wanted to help out here. And I don't think he does until he can see the stress breaking me now and again. He told me that he was going to take the dishes as his responsibility. I appreciated the offer. But I also felt awful. I feel like I am failing him in a way. This is what I'm supposed to do to help him, not the other way around. But another side of me wanted to see how that would work out. So for 2 entire days, dishes accumulated in the sink until Sir realized I couldn't cook because there were no dishes. He said I wouldn't get in trouble for doing them, that he'd never punish me for doing chores. But I wasn't sure because he told me I was not to do them. Sir did them yesterday, and I took over finishing. It makes me feel bad to see him doing "my" dishes. So, I'm not sure where we stand right now on that. I also feel like if I leave this up to Sir, I might as well do them anyway.
When Sir and I talked, in the most tactful way possible, he asked if it was nearing my time of the month. And, actually, he's right, it is. We have found that I do have hormonal changes. My body responds differently to pain, and I get crabbier for no apparent reason. Usually, if I'm crabby it's because I haven't eaten.
So maybe its just a ball of stress and hormones that exploded all over the place and after the holidays it will all be fine.
In the meantime, Sir emailed me 4 collars and asked me to choose one and why. He said that he doesn't think I'm ready to wear this collar 24/7 yet. I think he might be right, but I wish he wasn't. He wanted to pick something for everyday wear that might help me progress to wearing this collar everyday. I feel like I am going backwards in progress, but that being said, sometimes, I do hate this collar. I don't really hate what it means, but it is just... annoying. I hate sleeping in it. Sir woke me up last night because I was snoring (this collar makes me snore at night). It sticks to my neck, digs into my flesh and is a pain to sleep comfortably in. During the day there are times where I feel like all I can feel is the collar. I wish I didn't feel like that, and the resistance wasn't there. But it is. I don't know how to combat it and be at peace with this huge collar. I suppose working up to it everyday - training is a start. But I know that I am going to feel like I've failed Sir for awhile.
I suppose we'll see how we are in January after all this madness subsides.