Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A New 2015

We're back from the Holiday Family Visit craziness (seriously, 8 Christmas visits in 4 days, 3 states, and a good 600 miles on my car). We have a New Year's Party tonight, and then we can finally relax from the Holiday insanity. Sir and I are doing better. After the day I lost my cool and flung my collar, we had a series of conversations that restructured things a bit. Fixing how our relationship works wasn't something that could be talked about quickly. We had a lot of talk before we left for Christmas, and a lot of time to talk in the 3 hour (each way) trip to see our families, plus traveling between homes.

Sir has decided to take on more responsibility in the home. He had  me make a list of all the things that I do around the house (and he was surprised by the length of the list). He took a bunch of items and made them his responsibility. I am struggling with letting him do them (it's hard not to, when you're used to handling everything). I am also trying to remind him gently, and give him quick tasks to help me faster when I'm doing the house.

I'm also to make a basic schedule for myself in hour-long increments and schedule in cooking, cleaning, relaxing, bath time, etc. Sir will change what he sees fit. I think this will help me because I am often in the house thinking: I don't know what to do. Even if there is nothing TO do. It is hard for me to accept that and just read or play a video game. I guess I feel like I always have to be productive or doing something. Hopefully that will change. Recharging my batteries is productive.


He's started revamping my rules. which lead to more conversation. They'll go officially into effect in 2015, though I'm starting to follow them now. He's included mandatory time for me to decompress and relax, a bedtime, a relaxation/back exercise time before bed. He's also reinstated my dress code, which is proving challenging. He's also for the first time ever, included an orgasm rule, in that I must climax at least 3 times per week (not including any orgasms given by Sir). Perhaps this will help me feel more sexy and help with my libido issues. He's still editing the rules with all our conversations about our relationship, my needs/wants, his needs/wants, and my abilities/limits.


It is hard for me to accept that I cannot do everything. It is hard for me to ask for help. But I am one person and I cannot do everything. I was letting it make me feel like a failure, or as not being a good submissive, but I need to recognize that I have limitations. I need to have time for me, in order to be a good submissive. If I don't have downtime, I will burn out, and not be able to serve Sir anyway. This was something that Tamar helped me realize. Sir is not a jerk who demands me do everything and him nothing, but he doesn't always think about everything to the fullest extent. It is something of a pet peeve of mine (being that my brain almost never turns off), but I recognize he's not actively trying to be a jerk or work me into the ground. As soon as we realized what was happening, he took immediate measures to make things better, and for that (and much more) I love him.

I can't wait to see what this New Year brings!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Beating the Blues

Sir and I think that maybe some of what I'm feeling may be sub drop. I've been just down, achey, irritable and depressed. Maybe that helped contribute to the episode the other day, but for a couple of days I was just....dejected. Sir wrapped me up in a blanket, and let me be on the couch for the first time in weeks. He put on comedy specials, and we cuddled.

It helped, a lot.

This weekend I gave him a nice blowjob where he finished (usually he demands to finish with sex). The next day he spent the evening focused on me - beating my ass, tying me up, spreading me wide. I admit I got a little bit bratty while being tied up. But once he tied me, I was much more receptive. It's hard not to be when my choice is taken away.

I reveled in it and when Sir was done I was a puddle of goo. Sometimes I guess he just has to beat the blues out of me. That, followed with a good deep fucking and I feel like a new person.


I hope the effects last for awhile.

Monday, December 22, 2014

When I Flung the Collar

The other day, we had a "bad day". I'm not sure exactly what the trigger was - but at the end of the evening, when I had been working on the floor writing for about two hours, it was time for bed. I was achy, and exhausted, and realized that I couldn't go to bed yet. There was a sink full of dishes, food from dinner still out, I hadn't made lunch for Sir or myself, etc etc. Something just snapped in me.

I had just had it. I could feel the weight of my responsibilities all around me, and as they added up in my head, I felt like my collar was becoming tighter and tighter, until I couldn't take it. I was feeling like I do EVERYTHING around here, and vanilla girlfriend brain was really fighting to keep cool.

It seemed like for the first time, I could feel the weight of my submission in the collar around my neck. And it was uncomfortable. But... should submission be comfortable? I think there is an argument for either case. Submission is hard work, and hard work can be arduous and uncomfortable. But over time, the things that were new, weird, and uncomfortable, become familiar, and comforting. I just don't think I'm there yet. I think part of it is that sometimes I don't feel I'm supported around the house. Sir pretty much leaves everything up to me as far as taking care of the household and our lives. And I can accept that as part of my responsibilities, but pretty soon, I won't have the free time I do now to handle it. I'm trying to get a job where the hours and workload are going to be crazy (for increased pay so we can live, we're just not making it on my crappy salary right now), and there will be no way I can possibly do it all and fulfill my work duties unless Sir picks up the slack. Which.... he really doesn't. He'll help me if I ask him, or if he sees that I'm 3 seconds from a breakdown, but other than that, it doesn't occur to him.

So, I'm in the kitchen, trying to get the things that I absolutely have to do complete before bed, and this huge fucking collar is just digging into me, and squeezing and I felt like if I didn't do something about it, it was going to lose it. Initially, I wasn't even going to remove it, I was just going to loosen it one notch, so I didn't feel so claustrophobic. But the silly thing just wouldn't come off, and I was getting more and more frustrated and hyperventilating. When I finally got it off, I flung it across the room. I remember looking angrily at it. Sir came in to see the commotion. I picked it up, immediately regretting flinging it and he helped me adjust it to a looser state.

We didn't say anything, but this is a BIG. DEAL. At least, I feel like it is. I mean, I took my collar, which I just "earned" back, removed it, and flung it across the kitchen, where it hit the floor. I threw my collar on the floor. Is that not a moment of rejecting everything it stands for? My submission to Sir, our relationship?

After I finished my tasks in the kitchen, I joined Sir in our bed. I was too worked up now to go right to sleep, so I sat there, stewing. I didn't know what to say. No matter what my feelings, throwing my collar is wrong. Letting it be on the floor, at all, is wrong. Even when I take a shower, I make sure it is on a shelf, or windowsill, just anywhere that is not the floor because I feel like letting it be on the floor removes it as a thing of value, and is disrespectful.

What was I thinking? We talked about it and Sir thinks that I am feeling the strain of the house. I suppose I am. I am doing all the Holiday stuff right now, Christmas cards, and gifts, and holiday plans. I'm also interviewing for jobs in between taking day-to-day jobs. I'm still doing all the chores and bills and day to day things.  I guess that I feel like... it is absolutely okay if Sir decides that all this is part of my submission. I just wish that it was purposeful. This all being part of my domestic service seems like an afterthought. Sir doesn't think about it, but someone has to and it has to get done, so it falls on me. I suppose that sometimes, I wish he felt like he wanted to help out here. And I don't think he does until he can see the stress breaking me now and again. He told me that he was going to take the dishes as his responsibility. I appreciated the offer. But I also felt awful. I feel like I am failing him in a way. This is what I'm supposed to do to help him, not the other way around. But another side of me wanted to see how that would work out. So for 2 entire days, dishes accumulated in the sink until Sir realized I couldn't cook because there were no dishes. He said I wouldn't get in trouble for doing them, that he'd never punish me for doing chores. But I wasn't sure because he told me I was not to do them. Sir did them yesterday, and I took over finishing. It makes me feel bad to see him doing "my" dishes. So, I'm not sure where we stand right now on that. I also feel like if I leave this up to Sir, I might as well do them anyway.

When Sir and I talked, in the most tactful way possible, he asked if it was nearing my time of the month. And, actually, he's right, it is. We have found that I do have hormonal changes. My body responds differently to pain, and I get crabbier for no apparent reason. Usually, if I'm crabby it's because I haven't eaten.

So maybe its just a ball of stress and hormones that exploded all over the place and after the holidays it will all be fine.

In the meantime, Sir emailed me 4 collars and asked me to choose one and why. He said that he doesn't think I'm ready to wear this collar 24/7 yet. I think he might be right, but I wish he wasn't.  He wanted to pick something for everyday wear that might help me progress to wearing this collar everyday. I feel like I am going backwards in progress, but that being said, sometimes, I do hate this collar. I don't really hate what it means, but it is just... annoying. I hate sleeping in it. Sir woke me up last night because I was snoring (this collar makes me snore at night). It sticks to my neck, digs into my flesh and is a pain to sleep comfortably in. During the day there are times where I feel like all I can feel is the collar. I wish I didn't feel like that, and the resistance wasn't there. But it is. I don't know how to combat it and be at peace with this huge collar. I suppose working up to it everyday - training is a start. But I know that I am going to feel like I've failed Sir for awhile.

I suppose we'll see how we are in January after all this madness subsides.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

New Goals and Tasks

In part of that long conversation we had the other night, Sir and I talked about how we've not been using any sort of official rules. There are expectations that are assumed by both of us, even things that I have been punished for, but nothing was ever established as a rule.

So, one of my new tasks is to make a list of what I perceive are my current rules and expectations. Then Sir can see if they mesh with his, and we'll make something official. I'd already done a list of all the household things I take care of around here. He said the list was a lot longer than he thought it would be. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.

A few things that Sir mentioned for the future:

He wants to work on getting me into a thicker, more restrictive collar. This is why comfy collar is now gone; no use going backwards away from a goal. He measured the "big monster collar" and.... it's only two inches high. That doesn't seem like much, but I asked Sir to consider the size of the neck it's on. Two inches might not be much for some necks, but if you've got a short neck to begin with, two inches can feel cumbersome.

He also mentioned an interest in corsets. He would like to eventually get me into a place where I am wearing a corset every day, at least in the home. He doesn't want to do extreme waist training, just comfortable corset wear and a little cinching I suppose.


Which also means that I now have to work harder on my posture and back issues, more than ever. I've been slacking on my physical therapy exercises. Sir says that perhaps a half hour before bed every night, that will be time for exercises, winding down, etc. Which also means he might re-institute an official bedtime, but since we've been living together, I've not had one. We pretty much go to bed around the same time between 10 - 11 o'clock.

I'm looking forward to the next few weeks as we mesh all this out and really make it official - what the rules/expectations are and are not, and future goals for me as a sub. I want to please Sir, and it will very much help me to know what he really wants from me, long term.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Wearing his Collar Again

The other night, Sir and I ended up having an unplanned in-depth conversation about our relationship.

He'd said that because of how I'd been thinking about my submission, he'd been thinking of returning me to a collar. The big collar. And only the big collar. That I haven't earned the comfy collar yet.

He said that he was waiting for me to "earn" it, but that he believes that my mind doesn't work like that, working to earn something.That I haven't been doing anything "new". I beg to differ and I think it depends on the situation. In this case, no. my mind wasn't working to earn it, per se. As in, if I do X, Y, and Z, I will prove that I am ready to have my collar back.

Because there were no parameters given. Usually when you are trying to earn something and work for it, you know what you have to do in order to earn it. If you're earning grades, a promotion, etc. You know what it is you have to do to achieve what your goal is. But here, I really don't know. There weren't parameters given for the task. And through talking about that, we started talking about how we don't really have a long term goal in mind for me. Where is this heading? What does Sir want from me as a submissive? What are the skills and behaviors that I'm to work towards in the lofty notion of "the ideal"? That slate is blank, and has been for a long time. Without really an inkling of where to go, I'm not sure how to go about earning things given free reign.

So I chose a different path. I took what I had been given, and tried to go deeper into it. Not specifically just to earn my collar, but to truly make progress. I used the parameters of the chain, household chores, and not being allowed furniture to try and really deepen my submission through those things. And I honestly think that it is working. It will take time, of course. I get sulky and not resisting is a difficult thing to do. So I've kissed the corner 3 times this week.

But I still think I'm making progress in how I serve; my mindset, if not behaviors and tasks.

The conversation was good, and some goals came of it, as well as a turning point where I didn't let resisting overcome me.


So, I am re-collared by Sir. The big collar. And as part of the new goals, I am not getting the comfy collar back. Not even to sleep. I need to learn to sleep and be comfortable in this collar, as it is his will.

Now I have some things to work towards.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Purposeful Thinking and Headspace

Today I arrived home much earlier than usual; it was a half day for work. There was a lot to do, and I thought I would spend my time wisely, getting some household chores done. But today, I wanted to change my thinking about how I approach my household duties.

Today, I kept my mind on Sir as I completed the task of cleaning the kitchen. 

When I cleaned the stove, I thought to myself: I am scrubbing this stove so Sir will have a clean apartment to come home to. I am cleaning this stove of stray bits of food so as not to attract insects. Sir will like living in a clean home free of pests. 

When I washed the dishes, I though:t Sir will appreciate seeing a clean sink. If I spend my time wisely, I free myself up more to spend time with him when get gets home. 

When I adjusted the thermostat, I thought: Sir will want to arrive to a warm home. He shouldn't have to wait for the house to heat up.


I am finding that this thinking is definitely helping me keep myself in the right frame of mind. Keeping these thoughts in mind gives me purpose. I am happy to complete these tasks instead of just going through the motions. I feel in my mind that I am not scrubbing the stove in my dirty boots and work shirt, but in my mind, I am a sexy maid completing these tasks for Sir. I am going to try to remember and apply this thinking when I do household tasks.

Completing the stray thought of feeling like a sexy maid in my mind when thinking of Sir as I do household tasks, perhaps wearing some kind of maid uniform when doing these tasks would help both my headspace, and spark my libido more. Especially if Sir controlled and picked such a uniform. That aspect of control over me, what I do and wear is always appealing to me.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Things Discovered While Wearing the Chain

Noticed while wearing the chain...

If I leave the chain on the heating vent in the bathroom while I take a shower, when I go to put it back on ... it is NOT cold. In fact, it is VERY hot.

Same goes for bending over the oven to put meals in/out - the few moments over the stove makes that metal HOT!

I think I MIGHT prefer the cold shock.

In other news, there are too many corners in this house. I am becoming acquainted with them.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Chain

I've been thinking more and more about this chain that I have been wearing around my neck instead of my usual collars. The chain has its advantages even if I don't necessarily like it.

Sir instructed me to wear it for a reason, so I need to see those reasons and embrace what wearing the chain means.

The chain becomes cold when it is sitting in the collar cabinet drawer and I am not wearing it . Putting it on each day is a mini-shock to my system. Initially, I was dreading this shock, and I would avoid putting it on if I could. After my bath, I'd go right into bed so I didn't have to have the shock of it. But that cold shock is a good thing. It is the jarring moment that can change my headspace. When I wear this chain, I free myself from the outside world where Sir and I live our vanilla lives. I am free to be his submissive in a safe space our home.

The chain does warm up as it absorbs my body heat. It becomes comfortable. My submission is like that. At first things are uncomfortable and I seem resistant, but over time I gain confidence and become comfortable in my submission and I'm becoming comfortable wearing the chain. The chain reminds me that I am Sir's and I need to work for his collar. I cannot stay too comfortable in my submission, or I will not grow in my service to Sir.

There is also a big difference in wearing the chain locked around my neck compared to wearing either the comfortable or bulky leather collars. One is that Sir doesn't let me sleep with the chain on, whereas I am permitted to sleep in the other collars (usually the comfortable collars). I find that when I remove my chain for the evening, I feel less submissive somehow. As if I am removing part of my submission when I am removing the chain. It affects my brain, and my headspace. With the other collars, except for going outside of our home (or bathing), my collar is on continuously. It is reassuring, and helps keep me in my place. So I miss that - having it on nearly always, instead of the chain where I am actually unchained more during the day than otherwise.


Wearing the chain in one was is more "real" in one aspect. When I am chained and locked in, it is much more difficult to remove. Yes, my collars are lockable. But if I really had to get out of them, even if they were locked, I could. I could grab a scissor or a knife and start cutting the fabric. It might take some time, but I could do it. I could free myself. With the chain, this is not so. Were that key to be lost, I'd be pretty stuck in these chains. We'd need to get some boltcutters to free me, and I probably wouldn't be able to do it myself. I'd be uncomfortable putting something like that close to my neck at an awkward angle to self-apply. So once it's on my neck, it's really on.

I think that is part of the point, though.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Sore

We had a pretty intense session for the both of us two nights ago.

I am still sore.

Every time I sit or attend myself in the bathroom, it is a pleasant reminder of what he can do.




Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Floor

I am doing my level best to appreciate my place... below Sir. At the floor. Every night, our evening routine is something like this:

I make dinner, serving Sir and myself. Sir takes his meal at the couch. I take my meal on the floor just below him. We watch Once Upon A Time on Netflix while eating. I use the coffee table for eating, and when I'm done, wrap myself in blankets as we finish the show, sometimes pausing to get an after-dinner snack for Sir or myself.

I am starting to like these moments. I feel like I have a little spot in the one area of the floor. A couple of mornings ago I had time to eat a bowl of oatmeal before work (usually I grab something that I can eat in the car on my commute). I remembered that I was restricted from eating at the dining room table. I took my breakfast to my little floor spot and breakfasted there. And it was nice! There were no distractions. I quietly ate my breakfast, alone with my thoughts. It was almost meditative.


I am thankful that Sir lets me sleep in the bed. I really need the support for my back, and I like sleeping next to him. I think I need to up my game on my furniture restriction rule, though. I am appreciating my time spent on the floor, but there is one area that I'm pretty consistently using furniture for: my computer. I have a foldable chair next to my computer desk that I sit on, even as I type this. I think it is high time that I folded it and put it away to remove the temptation or absentmindedness of sitting here. I can put this computer right on the floor just as easily as I eat on the floor (it is a laptop, after all). I am also going to move my dining room chair to help with that temptation also. The last thing that I am going to work on is eating from my lap when I am on the floor in the living room. Yes, the coffee table is there but that is technically furniture also, so perhaps I shouldn't be utilizing it. I can eat with my plate in my lap. Maybe I'll move the coffee table a little bit too.

I want to show Sir that I am taking his intentions to heart. Sure, he has not said anything about my sitting here at the computer, but just because he hasn't said anything yet doesn't mean that I should do it. Maybe this is how I take a more active role in my submission. Sir gave me a restriction; a task: Not to use the furniture. He didn't go around to each piece of furniture and specify its potential use. But that's where I should come in and apply myself to his wishes. This is a way that I can take my service and submission to a greater level.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Lost Libido

Lately, my libido has been nearly nonexistent. We're not sure if it is from the medicine, being tired from domestic things, or what but its definitely not there. It's not even that I'm disinterested, I'm actively NOT interested and trying to get out of sexual encounters. Sir would come by and try to initiate something, and my reaction is always to pull away, or huff in annoyance, or say something like, now?

Setting aside the issues of "is it my place to refuse?" or "In our dynamic, does Sir have that kind of access to me at all times?" (I guess we've not figured that out yet, though my response to Sir has always been: if it's what you want, continue on - Sir always gets me warmed up and it's those warm up advances I've been rebuffing that has shut everything down). Sir and I have to figure something out.

I mentioned to Sir that perhaps making sexuality more a part of our daily lives, service, and tasks could help. Our D/s seems very compartmentalized. I think Sir tends to think of big D/s acts in the realm of sex (whipping, spanking etc.); they go hand in hand. And all other tasks, like domestic service and anything he asks me to do, don't go in that realm. I think they can be combined. I think you can have a spanking or a whipping without sex. And I think introducing sexual things as part of my tasks or service will really help. Like giving me a sex related task to do, such as finding some type of video clip I find appealing and send it to him. Or masturbating at a certain time of the day, or with a certain implement, etc. That might bring my focus more to sex things.

As it is, I've taken Sir's disappointment with my libido to heart. I've hit the internet, looking at different video clips (I rarely ever look at porn). I've made myself ready and initiated activities.

My new favorite?

The Fruity Blow Job.

Take a fruit roll up. Wrap it around his cock, and start sucking! Sir liked it too, and he is usually pretty indifferent to these types of things.

He was watching the new Star Wars trailer when I crawled under his computer desk, and started undoing his pants. He got the idea and stripped himself quickly, robbing me of the task. I set myself to work with my mouth, making sure he was good and interested... it didn't take long. Then I took the fruit roll-up and wrapped it around him sealing it as best I could.[ Next time, I would wrap it closer to his head. Sir is a good size, and putting it lower on the shaft means I couldn't get it all and had to readjust, hahah].

The flavor was good, like a candy, and the sensations were nice for him too. It was better for him when there was a little bit of skin exposed, since the roll up is pretty thick at first. He also liked the feeling of a small bit of fruit roll being pulled slowly away from his skin into my mouth.

I have a new love for Fruit Roll-ups.It made me enjoy the act so much more, and by the end of it all, I was more than good to go!

I hope we can continue this trend.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Restrictions/Slump

Lately, Sir and I have both noticed that we're in a bit of a slump D/s wise. It's not that it isn't going on, because it is. I can definitely say that now that we're living together, there is much more going on. But I suppose after awhile, it all starts feeling...routine. I suppose I'm not appreciating it.

Sir has noticed it, too.

I think part of it is because I'm not feeling actively controlled or dominated. Things just are. I wear my collar, I do the shopping, the cooking the cleaning. I make dinner for Sir (and me) every night. I make his lunch every day before he leaves. Same old, same old. The domestic stuff makes me tired, too. I work as much as I can, and I am the only one bringing in an income right now. After work, I do 95% of the household chores. And I'm just...tired. I don't necessarily mind doing all these things, but I suppose I'd like Sir to appreciate that if I'm the one doing pretty much everything, I get more tired after work, and I don't have as much time for leisure and unwinding type activities. When he's relaxing playing Minecraft or something, I'm preparing dinner, making lunches, doing dishes, etc.

I think that I need to change my mindset though. I am still at war with vanilla brain vs. submissive brain. Vanilla girlfriend thinks that Sir should do more, since I do everything. (*And just to make things fair, it's not like Sir is home all day doing nothing; he gets up at 5:30 every morning to attend a prestigious two year scholarship program to advance his career, and it is very taxing. And I am PROUD of him; getting into the school and taking this step was a HUGE deal for him, us, and our future). Subgirl thinks that since it is in my ability and power to do all of these things right now, I should be grateful for the opportunity to make Sir's life better, and revel in that. I am having a hard time with being in the correct mindset though. It is easier to change one's actions than to change one's thoughts, and I would like to retrain my brain, somehow.

I worry though, because Sir and I have talked about me trying to get a job in my old field that would require crazy hours like before, but an increased salary, which we really need. We're not even scraping by right now; I've got applications in to the county assistance office, and we're just relying on his savings until we figure things out. And that is not going to last much longer. So, if I find a position that will help us financially, how will the household be run then? But I digress from the main issue.

Sir and I also think that my new medication may be affecting me (fatigue is listed as a side effect). We also think it may be affecting my libido. I've been really disinterested as of late. It may not be the medicine, but it could be. It's the only thing that has changed in the past couple of weeks.

To combat all this, Sir has placed some new restrictions on me. I am no longer allowed furniture (except the bed when sleeping)... and he has allowed me the computer chair, I suppose. But I cannot sit on the couch, or eat at the dining room table. I put my food on the coffee table and sit there. I should be happy that I am allowed that; I could be eating on the floor. In fact, just writing this makes me feel like in this, I have received too much. Today, I cooked breakfast for us and forgot completely not to sit at the dining room table. After the meal, Sir gave me cornertime. And at first, I was not contrite. At all. I felt annoyed that I had to sit here in the corner for something to silly. But it's not silly, and I shouldn't feel that way. I should have remembered. Sir then put the ball gag in. I was a little bit more contrite then, but definitely not for the right reasons. Was the punishment a deterrent? Absolutely. I defintiely do not want to be standing there for however many minutes wasting time, being uncomfortable and ignored. But I should have been mortified that I forgot, and I wasn't. I suppose I don't see the furniture thing as a big deal yet, and I should.

The second new restriction is this:


I am no longer allowed a collar. I must wear this chain around my neck instead. I must chain myself so that if Sir tugs on the chain, it can not slip up past my chin.

I do not like the chain. I don't mind its appearance, and it isn't terribly constricting, but it is COLD. And for some reason, I've been forgetting to wear it more often. Sir says I am not to wear it to bed (he fears me choking somehow). So at night after my bath, I generally go to sleep. So I don't put it back on. But invariably, I do something else before bed, and there I am, chainless for awhile. With the other collar, I would wear it all the time, no real reason to forget (not that it didn't stop me on a few occasions)

So, I hope these things help me get myself back on track. Though I'm not sure what to do about changing my thought patterns exactly. Maybe a new mantra to do before bed?

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Serving Sick Sir

Today, Sir is sick in bed. He finally has a chance to do a proper rest so he can hopefully get his immune system in gear. I am happy for him. He went to bed early last night, and after getting up briefly this morning, is back in bed knocked out. I am checking in on him happily, in that sweet state of being joyous to look upon his sleeping face.

I press a kiss to his cheek and am rewarded with his sleepy incoherent mumblings that make my heart swell with love and adoration for him. I just want to crawl in there and squeeze my Sir, but I don't want to disturb his needed rest.

Sir has really only asked me for one thing this entire time he was sick: Chicken Noodle Soup.

Not the canned kind; made fresh. So, today I put my collar on and my service will consist of making him the best chicken soup from scratch! Lucky for us, I roasted a chicken two days ago, so all those bits will go into making a great soup.... hopefully!

Friday, December 05, 2014

Thanksgiving Bed

I've been away for a bit. I went back to NJ  last week to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I left on Sunday and stayed for 7 entire days. When Sir and I came back, we brought colds with us. He has it pretty bad. I'm just sneezing with general feelings of lethargy, fatigue, etc.

The week was good. I hung out with family the entire time. On Thanksgiving, we went to Sir's family to visit and eat. His sister made a delicious meal. My family didn't celebrate until Saturday. I cooked for 20 people; it was a bit crazy. My dad knows that Sir and I are in financial straits right now, so he purchased most of the food. I brought some with me though. And we took a lot of it back to PA as leftovers, so we've been eating that all week.

It made me feel great in a domestic way to do this for my family, and to have Sir there. They like him, and some of them haven't met him even though we'll be celebrating 4 years together next month! I am getting more and more proud of my domestic skills. The better I get, the better I feel I am able to serve Sir.

We also received an unexpected boon for Thanksgiving! Sir and I have been sleeping on a Full size bed for the past couple of months. It is too small for us. I have back issues and need to stretch out, and Sir is a big guy in general. We've elbowed each other in the face, kicked, smacked, and scratched each other, stolen blankets (he's the blanket hog, I'm the one waking up cold ;P) nearly rolled off the bed due to lack of space, and are constantly shifting around. Its been a rough night's sleep for awhile.

Sir's mother has known that we wanted to save up to get a Queen size bed. A friend of hers was getting rid of an extra hardly used Queen size, and she hooked us up! So, for the price of figuring out how to hitch it to the roof of my car, we are now the proud owners of a luxury bed! Sleeping on this thing is like sleeping on a cloud. The extra six inches definitely makes a difference.

Sir and I hitched it to the roof of my car on Thanksgiving day at the tail end of the snowstorm. Being that we were driving it back about 200 miles, we wanted to be really certain that it was good and attached. We had LOTS of rope, and Sir sure made certain that it wasn't going anywhere! In fact, he attached the front so tight, he actually cracked the box spring by accident (but it's still fully functional).

I really couldn't expect less from a man who loves his rope, could I?

This photo really doesn't do justice to the amount of rope we used.


As a final thought, we picked up some extra rope when getting the mattress covers (you know, just in case we didn't have enough though we ended up not using it) and this is what we got:


Isn't "Tie-Down" Rope a little bit redundant? If you're getting rope, aren't you probably going to be tying down or securing... something? Whether its a human or a load to your car? What else do people use rope for if not to tie something? I've seen decorative uses, but most of them also involved tying things.

Rope, the most basic pervertable. 

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I've got loads to be thankful for, and I really need to remember that sometimes when things are hard and bills aren't paid... because that's not the whole bigger picture.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sir's Birthday Part 2

So, Sir and I had a great day for his birthday, and then had a good sleep. When we awoke, my plan
was to give Sir a nice blowjob (that I meant to give him the night before) using this special spray that numbs the back of my throat so I can take more of him, and really focus on pleasing him.

Sir had other ideas.

As soon as we got up, Sir headed to the back room, and I heard the classic noises of him fiddling with our toybag.

"Bitch, come here."

I came into the room still in my pajamas, and Sir immediately cuffed and locked all my limbs. I admit, I got a little whiney, probably because I had literally just opened an eyeball. I really need to keep myself in check sometimes.

Sir marched be back into the bedroom, changed my comfy collar to the big leather collar, then stripped me bare. He then tied my wrist cuffs together using rope, and bound my arms above my head using the door for leverage. I was whining a little bit, because it was cold. We turn the thermostat down at night, so the house hadn't had a chance to warm up yet.

He brought out the body marker and scrawled across my breasts. When he was finished, my right breast said "Happy", my left breast said "Birthday" and across my chest was "BITCH". I am his "Happy Birthday" Bitch! I'm glad he wrote on me - it's not something we do often. I just hope BITCH is not peeking through my shirt at work tomorrow, haha.

As I faced the door, I felt a lot of sensations, tricking me and making me wiggle. He started off soothing, running his hands up and down my back. Then, Sir brought out a pointy back massager I got at a dollar store somewhere. I could feel it biting into my back and the top of my ass. I could feel the skinny bite of the wartenberg wheel, which felt more like a thin knife across my skin. I think he brought out the metal back scratcher too. I liked when he tried to trick my body, using them simultaneously down my spine, then separating each across my skin. It leaves me trying to figure out which sensations are from which implement.


From there, he brought out the thin whippy belt, leaving little stripes across my back. He hit me hard a few times to leave a deeper mark, and probably also just to show me he could; that he was in control, and if I'm liking the light whipping, it's because he wants me to. He could turn it at any moment. He had me face him, twirling on my toes, arms suspended above my head.

"Whose submissive bitch are you?"

"Yours, Sir."

"What are you?"

"I'm your submissive bitch, Sir."

He then whipped me lightly across the front of my body. I always feel more vulnerable when the front of my body is exposed.

He had me face the wall again. I mentioned that I felt selfish. Here it was his birthday, and I'm the one getting all the attention. He didn't want a blowjob, he wants to do things I like instead?

"It's my birthday, bitch, and I'd like to spend it putting you in the right headspace. Plus, I enjoy doing these things to you, hearing your sounds, watching you squirm... and it's not like you're not giving me a blowjob later!"

Touche, Sir.

Sir then swatted my ass a few times with the big paddle.


He had another implement, and was alternating until he said, "Hard or Soft?"

"Um, what, Sir?"

"Hard or Soft?"

"...um, hard, Sir?"

I felt a soft tickle down my spine. "Hard, or Soft?"

"...um, Soft, Sir?"

-WHAM!- He wailed down on my ass. "Hard or Soft?"

"Soft?"

-A gentle tap on my bottom.-

This continued, him asking me "Hard or soft?", me hesitatingly responding, and him either complying or not. I wasn't ever sure what to say, because he's going to do what he wants anyway.

He asked me if I knew why he was doing this. I wasn't sure. He knows I dislike having to make decisions, especially when he asks me what I want. I feel put on the spot and out of ideas. I liked this activity because it was a choice, but it was controlled. Instead of infinite options, there were a few selections. It made it easier. But if he was going to give me a choice, and then do what he wants, why bother giving me a choice in the first place?

Sir educated me. "You can choose, but it is up to me to decide if the choice is the best thing for you. You can ask, but I decide."

It was a little bit of a mindfuck for me. A small part of me still feels like he is going to do what he wants anyway, he knows what he feels is best for me anyway, so why have me choose? That being said, I like the choices, even if he doesn't acquiesce to my selection. Because he can do what he wants.

I started to reach my arm suspension limit, so Sir unbound my arms. I was a lucky girl, for he let me serve his cock! I trimmed him nicely, and then after applying my "Deep Throat" spray, got to sucking. I'm glad Sir got his birthday blowjob after all!

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sir's Birthday Part 1

It was Sir's birthday this weekend. I did my best to try and make sure he had a great weekend, especially with our limited resources at the moment.

He actually woke up before me! I wanted to serve him breakfast in bed, but that didn't work out.

I woke and selected a dress (below) that I thought would please him. I'd never worn it before. I thought he would like the color and leather touches. I put on my black stockings and my knee-high black leather boots for him to finish getting myself ready.

The dress I wore for Sir's birthday. 
I was not wearing those socks at the time!

For breakfast he asked for scrambled eggs. I of course made those, but I also made some bacon and cinnamon rolls. I tried to be fancy and roll some bacon into each cinnamon swirl. They came out okay, but I know Sir appreciated the effort. We snuggled on the couch while we ate breakfast and watched Netflix. Eventually Sir was acting like a little kid.

"Presents now?" ... "How about now?"

I told Sir that I can't say no to him on his Birthday! (Or anytime else, really!)

So I gave him his gifts.

I got us 2 movie tickets for next week to see Mockingjay. I also got him a new I-phone cord because he needed it. He wanted to go to the gaming store, so we took a trek downtown (after realizing we probably could have walked). Then we went to Goodwill, hoping to find him a new coat (his is beat). There weren't any coats for him, but I found a new pair of work shoes (I can't stand all day in the knee-high boots without my feet screaming at me).

We came home for a late lunch, and then headed to the movies! Sir LOVES going to the movies. He used to go almost every week before we moved. We haven't gone once since the move. mostly due to time and resources. But for a special occasion, we can splurge! We went to see Big Hero 6. Sir loves animated films and robots. We took a corny picture in front of a promotional display, and Sir decided to hug the robot! I want to frame that photo; Sir is so cute in it.

The movie was excellent. We were both surprised by how much we enjoyed the film. We both want toy Baymaxes now, haha.

After the movie, we stopped at this sushi grill for dinner. We ordered chicken udon soups, futomaki and tuna rolls. Sir likes sushi, but we don't eat it a lot. We've also been looking for a place to get udon soup, so that was good. 


Upon returning home, I barricaded the kitchen (I put a chair in front of the kitchen doorway) while I got his cake together. Ice cream cake for Sir, his favorite! My cake writing skills leave something to be desired, but it tasted good!


After watching a not-so-good comedy special, we passed out. I thought we were going to get down to some more exciting activities, but I should have known. With Sir it was only a delay; he didn't put it off the table entirely.

And so upon waking, we had a fun morning...

Part 2 to come!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Freak Out

I love my Sir. I love my Sir. I love my Sir.

I've been having episodes of panic in the past couple of days. Two days ago, I started medication for the next 9 months. I went through everything with my doctor. Possible side effects, when to take it, what to take it with, what to do if I miss a dose, what to do if I start having side effects, how it will interact with my birth control.

They gave me a pamphlet that I could keep to have the information at the ready.

I started taking it and a few times now, I've had what I feel are all the classic signs of a panic attack. Lightheadedness, shortness of breath, waves of anxiety through the body. Increased heart rate. Weakness, pressure, chest pain. Most of these symptoms are listed as side effects of the drug on my pamphlet, and to call my doctor right away if I experience them (I am calling first thing tomorrow morning' they are closed and I don't think this warrants a visit to the emergency room).

I've dealt with anxiety since I've been about 17 or so, but I haven't had an attack in a long time.

So I go online and it turns out that there are certain foods that should be avoided when taking this medication. Foods that I've eaten correlating to the time of these attacks. None of this was listed on my pamphlet. At least now I probably know the reason why. The side effect feelings do trigger panic for me though, which makes it worse.

Sir has been so good to me. Just holding me and helping me calm down (to not make it worse). Petting my head. Piling me up with my sweater and blankets and his hoodie so I can smell him and not feel so cold. Helping me get around the house when my balance seemed out of whack. Carrying things for me. He even let me have THREE Oreos from the cabinet (and I didn't ask for any) (and they weren't on the list of foods I can't eat). Just letting me cuddle on him while we watched comedy to take my mind off of it.

He is a good Sir, and I am lucky to be his submissive.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Attitude Adjustment

Sir and I are slowly transitioning to what our "real lives" will be like out here. I cook us dinner, we watch nerdy shows at night. We cuddle. We go shopping. All the vanilla trappings of living together.

Except... it's not quite vanilla and I love that. I wear my collar more often than not. A few times, Sir has moved my collar to the collar cabinet when I was taking a shower (and I forgot to put it back on once moved), so I've gotten more familiar with the big monster collar. I am getting more used to wearing the bigger collar more often, but I like that Sir will take it out for special occasions; to remind me of my place, or to emphasize a scene he's planned.

Sir is getting more vocal in asking me for things when we're in the house. Asking is not quite the right term, it's more like giving me a task. To look over his work, to give him a massage, to bring him a snack or drink. I like these moments to serve him, even in a small way.

Sometimes I do get grumpy. We're all human. When I get grumpy, Sir has to give me an attitude adjustment. Sometimes it means that I get smacked on the ass until I cry. Another time, he tied my arms over my head to our bedroom door, and then.... calmly brushed my hair. This weekend he forcibly pushed me through the apartment, to the kitchen where I was told to clean the entire thing in an hour. I was pouty because I had a catsuit on with shibari locking me in, and cuffs on all four limbs. I loved it at first, but after a few hours it because tiresome on my limbs, and the thought of doing all that work with such constraints made me grumpy I guess. I just wanted to lay in bed and read. Sir won out in the end, as he should, and over the hour, my attitude changed. I became more needy for his approval and to show him that I could accomplish his task in an hour. He wasn't going to check my work, but I suppose I needled him about it a bit,, and then he did. My attitude changing, I desired his approval, and it's hard to approve of my work for him if he didn't look at it!

When I was working last year a supervisor mentioned that you have to "Inspect what you expect." If you don't check to see if your expectations are being met, it seems like you are not serious about that expectation. I can see it applying here a little.

I asked Sir if he wished that I was more submissive to his desires all the time; that I never fought, or got grumpy against him, and that all my responses would always be "Yes, Sir!"

He said... sometimes. But not always. There are times when I am being a pain in his ass and he doesn't want to have to discipline me. But he admitted that life would be boring if I didn't keep him on his toes now and again. As long as I'm not pre-meditatively planning disobedience. Which I'm not.


Monday, November 10, 2014

No Oreos

I really, really, want to eat some Oreos. Or Cake, Or cupcakes, or cookies. Or some kind of sweet pastry.

We have Mint Oreos in the rewards cabinet.

I asked, and Sir said... No.

Though I really do want to eat those Oreos, sometimes I'm glad when Sir says no.

It makes me feel more of his control.

More control at the price of tasty Oreos. 

From the Mouth of Sir

"You're a one-man slut, that's what you are."

-Sir

Monday, November 03, 2014

Collar Cabinet

I think I found the perfect place to keep my collars when they're not in use!

Sir has said for a long time that once we're living together, he wanted me to have a place near the front door to keep my collar so I can put it on right away when coming in from work, etc.

So, I have this small piece of furniture that I took from my mom's a few years ago (she was going to throw it out!)


 So, I added a cute surprise to it!


I had some leftover red satin from a cosplay project (I upgraded the cape to a leather material, so I no longer need the satin). I placed that nicely in the drawer, and voilĂ ! Now we have a nice place to keep collars. I like that the satin makes it... fancy. It lends a sense of reverence and importance to it, as it should. In the bottom, I am thinking of putting a kneeling pillow, therefore making this entire piece purely for D/s purposes. I don't like the idea of my collars being on top with random stuff strewn in the bottom.

I love how this drawer came out!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Not Being Abused!

Last weekend, I was visiting with family for a few days while Sir was still at home in Pennsylvania.

My family was asking how we were doing out there, and how Sir was. Somehow, the topic came up of who wears the pants in our relationship.

Everyone had a consensus.

"You know Lea is calling all the shots, keeping that guy in check! She's got him whipped."

Oh, if they only knew! I made that exact comment quietly to my cousin. Somehow, in her warped brain she thought I was telling her that I was a victim of domestic abuse (because that is how I would reveal that, if I were?). The next night, I came out to her about our relationship so she wouldn't think that Sir is punching me in the face or some such nonsense. I didn't tell her much, just that we have a D/s relationship and Sir is the one who is wearing the pants. And that I am happy and not being abused.

It made sense to her, the D/s part to a certain degree. Before Sir, I would chew guys up and spit them out, when I was in a relationship. Sir is my longest lasting relationship, probably because of our dynamic.

As an aside, tonight is the first time I am sleeping in our apartment alone. I have traveled away and slept without Sir, but I was with family. Being here alone definitely feels different!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Why in Trouble?

I had a pretty productive day. Worked (huzzah for money), took a quick walk at a park and snapped some photos, made lunch, did the dishes (piled up for 2 days now), defrosted chicken for dinner, washed, folded, and put away 2 loads of Sir's laundry, did my own laundry, reorganized the bathroom cabinet, fixed the bedroom blinds, unpacked a little bit more, put some things up for sale on Craigslist...

I was feeling pretty good with myself.

I hear Sir come in just as I'm finishing up my Craigslist ad. He turns down the radio (as he does every day).

I exclaim, "If you're going to turn it down that low, you can just turn it off!"

He comes in the room and quietly says, "Bitch, on your knees."

It's like a switch goes off in my brain. I am apprehensive, and feeling entirely in my place. But I am a little bit panicked. I am in trouble. I know this. But what for?

Apparently it was not for my comment about the radio.

It was also not for giving Sir a whole apple for lunch (I usually slice them so its easier for him).

He asks me to tell him what I packed him for lunch.

It is actually hard for me to remember, even though I got up early this morning to do it, since I didn't make time last night (we went out to a munch).

A pot pie..... pudding..... peach iced tea..... a protein bar.... What else? What else? Something is missing.

An apple! I didn't slice it though-- But he tells me that's not it either. What am I missing?

It finally dawns on me.

A fork. And a spoon. How can Sir eat his pudding without a spoon? How can he eat his pie without a fork?

I try to get myself out of trouble.

"Sir, making your lunch was never an official rule or duty. It's just something I started doing, and now do everyday."

"Your work has forks and spoons there, you told me! You said that if I forgot, it was okay because there were utensils there!"

Sir takes this into consideration as I remain kneeling. He decides that for tonights meal, I am to eat with only a fork. No knife or spoon. I may have a plate, but its more for keeping the apartment tidy than being gracious to me.

I tell him that if he wants me to not have a plate, he could make me eat off something else. Like a cutting board. Now I think that perhaps he could have made me eat from a bowl, sitting on the floor. Whether or not that included the fork would be up to him. Or just what he decides I may have, sitting below him. Our kitchen table is actually very tall, and we use barstools, so it would be and added level of power there.

But I digress. I ate dinner with just a fork. The vegetables weren't so bad. The meat was another story. I  made chicken parmigiana. I also made angel hair pasta, which was okay. But the chicken I ate tearing off bites from the big hunk I was able to get my fork into.

I am totally grateful that I was allowed a fork at all. I could have had to eat with my hands, or just using my mouth. Or not at all.

You can be sure that Sir has a fork, spoon, and knife packed for his lunch for tomorrow!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Using My Neck

I've been wearing the big monster collar for the past two days, because I've been a bad submissive. I forgot to put my collar on when coming in from work. Sir "caught" me (though I would have told him anyway), and he immediately put on the big collar. Then, after I took a shower, I forgot to put it on AGAIN! This was after already forgetting earlier in the week, too.

Ughhhh. I was/am so mad at myself.

I'm attributing it to the cold temperatures of the house addling my brains (seriously, the house was warm today, and I remembered). The times I forgot, it was freeeezing. But, it's not really an excuse. There is no excuse. If I open the door and Queen Elsa herself is making my home into an icy wonderland, I should still remember to put my collar on.

Before wearing this collar around the house today, I never realized how much I use my chin/neck. Now that I can't really utilize or move it, I suppose I miss it.

Folding sheets and towels, holding my phone while washing dishes. Laying down to read. I can't get comfortable. It's a wonder that I was able to sleep.

I think about how precioustreasure mentioned how she used to have a sleeping collar but her Master did away with that eventually. And she felt that she just has to learn how to be comfortable sleeping and doing anything in the collars he chooses. She is right of course.

I am trying to adopt that attitude, but I am finding it difficult. I suppose it gets better with time. You can get used to anything!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Opinions and Facts

Sir and I were having a disagreement on which is better: Milky Way or Snickers.

He had just allowed me to eat a Milky Way from the rewards cabinet, and let me know that Snickers were better.

"I think Milky Ways are better, Sir."

"...You're wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong."

(while chewing) " Mmmmm. Oh yes, Sir, you're right, these are horrrrible."

"Are you sassing me?"

"No! I can't sass you for an opinion. It's just an opinion!"

"Bitch, my opinion is your fact."

<3

Though we were just messing around, I love that line.

My opinion is your fact.

How true that is!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Minty Spoon

The other night, Sir had me massage some muscle rub cream on his back. He's been having a hard time with his shoulder lately. I knew it was bad because he had woken me up at 5:30 am to rub this stuff in that makes everything smell like toothpaste, but provides a tingly cold feeling to combat the pain. Sir seems to hate the smell of it, so if he's actively asking me to put it on, it must have been bad. Thankfully, he seems to be on the mend. After I gave him the massage I took a shower and got into bed to read beside him. I turned over to hug him so that I was the "big spoon". Though, he'll always be my big spoon.

Sir said that he should make me spoon him shirtless. I didn't understand why until I remembered he still had the cream all over his back. I don't know if I want to find out how that stuff would feel on my breasts and nipples! I really hate being cold, but it sounds interesting.

I can't decide if it would be a punishment or great fun!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Budget Whartenberg Wheel

Now that Halloween is coming up, it got me to thinking.

One of the biggest search terms that brings people to this blog is "Wartenberg wheel".

Well, we still have and use that first Wartenberg wheel... it's a particular favorite when used on my back. Though nearly any kind of stimulation on my back is a favorite.

But now, we have another.

Say hello to our friends! Our first wheel is on the bottom, and the new one on top!
Where did we get this other one? Why, a pumpkin carving kit! A Disney pumpkin carving kit!

When I got the kit I was immediately struck by how similar one of the tools was to our Wartenberg wheel. So out of the kit and into the toybag it came. It does have some differences.


The wheel from the pumpkin kit is much larger, and the pointy bits are more spaced apart. I can't really describe if one is sharper or not per se... it really depends on how much pressure you're applying. Dragging it sideways is another good scratchy sensation.


So if you're getting ready for Halloween, take a look in your kit and see if you've got one of these gems in there!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Happily Serene

This morning as I drove to work, I had an almost overwhelming sense of joy and peace, thinking about Sir and how he dealt with me yesterday.

I did need to be reminded of my place. He chose to remind me by forcing me down over his knees as he struck me until I gave in. I tried to hold out, for quite a while, being the stubborn girl that I am (not always a good trait, especially against your Dom). I tried to get away. I tried to squirm out of his reach. I tried to take it and prove to myself that I could handle it. And through it all, he restrained me with his body, overpowered me completely, and didn't let me get away. He didn't let my tears deter him, and continued on until I gave him what he wanted.

Eventually I did, as I could do nothing else.

"Are you ready to stop whining now?"

"...Yes, Sir."

Though this spanking punishment was not fun (I normally find spanking and striking appealing, but the context and intensity of the blows changed it all), I am happy to know that Sir can and will put me in my place.

Overall, I still think that we are better as a D/s couple, meshing well together, even if my brain doesn't know how to react to certain situations.

And I'm sure tomorrow as I drive to work, I will smile thinking of him.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Vanilla Brain vs. Submissive Brain

Lately I've been having a struggle as Sir and I mesh our lives together. I find myself getting annoyed by a lot of small things that add up over time and make me really frustrated. Speaking with others, it seems that these things I'm getting annoyed with are pretty typical when couples move in together. Vanilla couples, that is.

The things that are grating on my nerves have mostly to do with basic survival and upkeep of the house. Cleaning the bathroom, budgeting, purchasing and cooking food. Planning meals. Doing laundry. Setting up a life in a new state (transferring all credentials, car titles, etc). These are things that Sir does not think about, unless I bring them to his attention. I get annoyed that I have to explain these things to a grown man (who is 5 years older than me), who has lived on his own before we moved in together. It seems that these are all things that women commonly go through with their men, but things are different for us.

My brain is at war with itself. As a submissive, it should be my service to make things easier on Sir. To do these things, and let him have more free time to do as he wishes. On the other hand, I think it would be different if Sir were aware of these things, and tasked me to do them, instead of me worrying about everything while he remains clueless.

I am trying to remain in a proper submissive headspace, but sometimes I find it difficult. I went to Maine this weekend to help a friend and I had 4 days away from Sir where I made a lot of decisions, had a lot of freedom, and had a chance to commiserate with other females about "man problems". It was good to see that it was not just us, but today I was a little bit bratty.

Sir had to put me in my place. I lost count (as did he) but I think he struck me over 200 times. He made a good point though. "You may have to show me how to do a lot of things this first year of us living together, but I will still spank  your ass when you get out of line".

I think I needed the reminder to get back into my rightful role. Submission does not come naturally to me; I am naturally a dominant and outgoing person. But I am happiest in a submissive relationship. So it's work, as any relationship is.

I think for now, we've struck a compromise. I will show Sir the things that I think are necessary in terms of running the household and daily life. He doesn't have to do them, of course, but I think it will better him as a person to have the knowledge at least. And I will do my best to be respectful about it and come from a place of wanting to help him, rather than getting frustrated of his ignorance.

Monday, October 06, 2014

Progress

Slowly.... slowly things are coming together.

Today I got finally got hired for a job around here! It's not my long term goal or dream job, but it's flexible and pays well enough that we can breathe and not feel guilty every time we do something (like eat out, or buy jam at the farmer's market... though we've really limited non-essential spending and events).

Our place is slowly coming together also. We've unpacked more boxes, hung up pictures... there's still a lot to do, but at least now it has a basic feeling of a home, rather than just a flophouse with a maze of boxes.

Sir and I are also starting to make this 24/7 thing work for us. Little everyday things that seep into your being. Like tonight, asking for a snack (though I could work on my phrasing) rather than just getting up and eating one.

It was funny. I asked Sir: what if he said "no".

He said, "Then you wouldn't be eating".

"But I'd be hungry".

He just gave me a look. Like, duh. We talked about it and I suppose it just didn't occur to me that he could leave me hungry. I mean, I am NOT starving and we had dinner. But I feel my tummy rumbling. But should he decide that I am not eating any more for the night, then I suppose that is it! He was actually nice and picked a snack for me and let me have a beverage too, as long as it wasn't soda or juice.

We're also connecting better sexually. Not that this has ever really been an issue, but this weekend we actually were able to climax simultaneously. I don't think that's ever happened for me before. It's not something we ever shoot for, because just getting me to finish is a feat in itself.

Though earlier in the week, he got me so good that if the rope wasn't holding me up, I'd probably have fallen. He had bound my arms up by pulling the rope over the door and closing it. Damn if I didn't pull half that rope through the door in passion though! Maybe next time we should secure it to the doorknob on the other side.

It's not ALL sunshine though. I did get punished on Saturday. I was becoming a bit too comfortable, teasing Sir, and not being as respectful as I should be. None of it was meant maliciously, but I can see where it wasn't appropriate. We were in Walmart and I was acting like a little kid, looking at everything, touching things, being mouthy, and Sir just wanted to get ONE bookcase and get out of there. We did end up seeing this metal spoon rest (and we needed one, so we got it). Sir said we needed two. I was confused and kept insisting that one was enough. "What are we going to do with two?" He gave me this evil look and finally I understood. I had to sprint through the store to grab another one because Sir was already in line.

For the last half of the trip, he had to hold my hand to the cart to keep me from wandering. And still I was looking at things, and touching with my other hand. I didn't realize it at the time, but it must have been frustrating for him.

When we got back, he stripped me bare,  and handcuffed me behind my back. He chained my left foot to our bed, and then just left me there. Alone. For an hour. When I asked him a question, he came in and gagged me. I don't like the gag because it makes me drool and I find it really embarrassing. The room was cold, I was uncomfortable, drooling, and embarrassed. And worst of all, Sir was ignoring me. I could hear him in the living room unpacking boxes. He would come in periodically, to get something, and I really felt his absence.

Eventually he decided my punishment was over, and we made up.

I am making an effort to be more mindful of my phrasing, and respect.

Here's to progress!

Friday, October 03, 2014

Sweet Sir

Yesterday I had a really long training day for a potential job. I was so beat when I got home.

When I walked in, Sir had made us dinner! It is typically my job to make us dinner, but Sir chose to make food for us. Sir is not very culinarily inclined, so this was a huge sweet gesture on his part.

I wolfed down that macaroni and cheese.

I was about 3/4 through the bowl when Sir asked, "Are you going to finish that?"

"Yes..."

"Darn."

Sir typically eats more than me (and I usually fill his plates much more than mine) but I had been on my feet running around all day, and I was ravenous. He let me clean my bowl. : )

Sir also decided that I could have a cookie too!

We have a cabinet above the stove that is a pain in the butt for me to get into. On the top shelf of that cabinet is what Sir calls "rewards" - my junk food. When I am good, he allows me to have something from it.

I can have some snacks anytime - like popcorn, or some apple straws. He even put the Doritos in the anytime category (I suppose as long as I don't abuse it). Right now on the top shelf is Caramel Apple Pie Cookies, Milky Ways, Snickers, and Twix.

The other day I ate a snickers without asking and he was going to let me have a cookie, but then the cookie got taken away. I said that it would be more evil to let me have the cookie.... but NO milk!

Last night, I felt Sir's hand feeling around my back. I thought he was going to tell me to move over (we need a bigger bed, our full size is not quite enough room for us). Instead of having me move though, he was checking to make sure I had enough blankets and pulled them  down around me.

Such a sweetheart!

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

How Much Control Am I In? How Can I Do More in My Submission?

I was reading Submissive Sanctuary and a post there got me to thinking.

How much control am I really in?

Sir and I are striving towards a power exchange, were he has the control. I think that as of right now, we probably won't get to the level of full-on Master/slave. I don't hate on those that do, more power to you [or your dom(me)], I just think it's not us. Mostly because I have some sort of knee-jerk reaction to being a slave. Though I have no problem being collared or owned, etc. It's a weird dichotomy in my head. It may change over time though, it's less of a knee-jerk reaction than it was before.

But, I wonder how much control I really have? I make an awful lot of decisions around here. Bills, utility providers, shopping, eating, etc. I can ask Sir to do something, like take out the garbage and he usually does (though I am asking and not telling, I wonder if I would be affronted if he said no).

I think about how I used to believe fully that I couldn't be submissive unless he was actively dominating me. I think that in the past, I was under the impression that if he wasn't dominating me, I was "subbing to air". And I think that if you don't have a dominant in your life, that may hold. It's hard to sub to random people, and then there's the tricky issue of consent. But if you do have a dominant, it's different. I don't fully hold to the idea that he has to be actively telling me what to do 24/7 for me to be submissive anymore. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that feeling his control over me helps, but if he isn't actively dominating me, does that make me any less his submissive?

I think not.

I think a lot of this has to do with intent.

When we moved in together, I was afraid of getting stuck doing all the work in the house. That it wouldn't be "equal"... but now... why would I want it to be equal? We've never strived for equality here. That doesn't mean I'm beneath him, just that the control is his. So when I'm paying bills, or choosing what meals we eat every day, I really need to change the perspective that I'm coming from.

I'm not taking charge of the house because I'm the boss and I'm in control. I should come from the perspective that being on top of the bills, and the cleaning, and the food and cooking and meals is a help to Sir. It makes his life easier and it is being of service to him. And if he decides that it's his "man job" to take the trash out every week, then I should just be appreciative.

Sometimes I do feel like I have Sir wrapped around my little finger. And perhaps, that may be true. I just hope that I don't use that too often to my advantage and manipulate situations. I should evaluate that.

But if he's wrapped around my finger, then I'm certainly wrapped around him too. A better description would be that he's got his hands wrapped around my hair. Dragging me wherever he wants me to be.

So, if he decides that he's not actively giving me instructions, I can still take it upon myself to serve him, and be of use.

And that's where I'm starting to get stuck. I think it would help me to make a list of ways that I can be submissive to him without him having to say "Bitch..." all the time.

Some of that is adhering to the rules, whether he's here or not, and trying my best to follow them, without worrying about what he would do if I didn't. NOT trying to test him. Right now, we don't actually have many rules, but perhaps that will change. I look forward to it if it does, just because I crave any sense of control that he could have over me.

Some of that is anticipating his wishes. A small example, is the other night for dinner, I wasn't sure if he would want to eat our meal with a spoon or a fork. So I provided both so he could be happy either way. It was better than just making the decision FOR him and hoping I was right.

So now, I'm trying to think of ways I can show my submission to him, purely on my own.

I do some things for him already. I make dinner every night when he gets home (even if it's just ramen noodles because we're broke). I make his lunch every day, too. I wear my collar anytime we're not in public. There've been a few times I could get away with it, so I wore it outside too. I also have a leather bracelet that is sort of my mini-collar that I wear unless I'm doing something that will damage it (like taking a shower, giving the lizard a bath, doing dishes, etc). It serves as my collar in public, I guess.

So I want to do more. So far, I'm thinking that maybe every day when he gets home (provided I am here before he is), I can bring him a drink at his computer desk. He tends to unwind there every evening, and I notice he's thirsty every time. So maybe my doing that would be a good thing.

The other night he came home and I really tried. I had a beverage for him, which I think confused him, actually but the intent was there. As he sat down in his chair I gave him a back massage, and I think he appreciated that service. Perhaps more massages are in order.

Another thing I could do that wouldn't be a daily occurrence is to take care of his feet. Sir has expressed wanting to care more for his feet, and I think I should make that my job to serve him that way. I already service him by grooming his private parts, and I think this should be my job too. I think of the bible and Jesus humbly washing the feet of his disciples to express his servanthood, and though I am certainly no Jesus, the intent of the act could be the same. Sir isn't overly religious, though I think he believes in a higher power. He doesn't need to read the bible though, to appreciate my washing and caring for his feet as his submissive.

Being fully dressed every day and looking my best when he comes home couldn't hurt. Once I start working, this will be less of an issue, but being home all day seems to sap the need to get dressed right out of me. I'm still in my PJ's as I write this. Sir is not like that. He is either naked and sleeping or fully dressed. He didn't even own a pair of pajamas when I met him. I actually had to buy him some for when we'd be around family and friends!

I could kneel for him every day when he comes home. He listed that as a task for me to do a couple of weeks ago, so perhaps it is something he would enjoy. I think it would keep me in the right submissive headspace to have that time to kneel and reflect before he walks in.

Maybe I could lay out his work clothes every night for him. I'm hesitant, because that gives me a bit of control on his appearance, but if it's coming from a place of helping him, it might not be so bad. Plus, they're all his clothes, so it's not like I can pick something that he'd hate. Today, he had me lay out clothes for him for an event we're going to later, so perhaps he won't mind.

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I'm looking for things I could do on a regular basis.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Blindfolded Dinner

I was away this weekend for a baby shower back in New Jersey. Before I came home on Sunday night, Sir hadn't seen me since Friday morning at 6:30 am.

I think he missed me. Well, I KNOW he missed me. He told me that he was actually lonely, and he has a better understanding of what it is like for me to be here, alone, allllll day. Though I'm not glad that he was lonely this weekend, I'm glad he had that realization of what my days might be like right now; maybe it will help him understand me better.

It seemed like Sir couldn't wait for me to get home; he was READY. When I finished unloading the car, and I put my collar on (I remembered; hooray!). He had me sit down at the kitchen table and wait. He came back and immediately bound my hands behind the chair! He said he was practicing a new tie, and evidently he got it right, it was very quick, but also very adjustable. He then used some thick ribbon to blindfold my eyes. He had to adjust it a few time. As soon as he had me secured, that is of course when I get the wiggles because I'm itchy.

I heard him fussing about in the kitchen, and then he returned to the dining table.

"Open your mouth."

I did as I was told, and felt... a cup. He had me drink from the cup!

It was... grape soda.

Sir isn't particularly fond of grape soda, but he knows that I have the eating habits of a 13 year old boy, and so we shared the cup.

I heard him bring something else over to the table, and I smelled... apples.

Again I heard, "Open".

I did and I tasted... fish!

He continued this way, sharing the plate of lemon pepper fish, Rice, Broccoli. Alternating with cups of Grape soda.

"Open."

At the end of it all, my nose was correct - there WERE apples!

I really enjoyed Sir feeding me and being in control of that meal. The sensory deprivation helped. We chatted about our weekends while he fed me and himself.

After the meal, Sir clipped my leash to my collar and away he dragged me into the bedroom.

Once I felt the carpet that surrounds our bed, I was unceremoniously pushed onto it. I ended up laying on my side right at the edge of the foot of the bed. Sir climbed up behind me and started touching me gently, until he wailed on my ass with that huge hand of his.

I loved it.

He then decided to use me as a pillow. I was a little unsteady, so I used one foot on the floor to stabilize myself. After a bit, Sir asked me if I was steady on the bed. I let him know that I already had one foot on the floor. He had me get myself up and he lead me over to the other side of the room, where he pushed me back down on the bed. Then he got in and resumed using me as a pillow for underneath his knees. I liked being of use this way for him. While I was laying there, he would pinch my left nipple, and then took the strap of my leash and beat my breasts as much as he could, given that I was nicely padded with bra, tank top, and t-shirt still on. He said he was going to keep at it until I gave a satisfactory reaction. Which meant hitting me harder until I squeaked. Sir says that if I'm not making noise, he's not doing his job.

He had me get myself up and stand. He used the ends of the rope that was binding my arms to whip my legs and ass.  He then removed my blindfold. The room was dark. He turned the lights off for my eyes, how nice! He pushed the upper half of my body down so that I was bent over, taking my leash and forcing it between my legs and behind me, holding me in place. He pulled tighter and tighter on the leash, smacking my ass, and using the rope to whip me. His voice was very... soothing, though I could hear a bit of menace behind it. Even though the blindfold was removed, I could only see my feet and his as he continued striking my ass and breasts, asking me questions.

"Do you know why I'm doing this?"

".... to remind me whose submissive bitch I am, Sir?"

"Very Good."

He had me hold the leash behind my back as he continued his efforts. Sir likes me to have a hand in my own tortures.

"How does it feel?"

"It's ...uncomfortable, Sir".

"Do you like it?"

"...yes, Sir."

It IS uncomfortable to have chain digging into your lady area and up in your butt. But, I still like it, because he's making me do it. He brought me up briefly for a kiss as I was still holding my leash behind me, and it was just as he released me that I could feel the haze of subspace just descend on me. I don't think I've ever felt it so acutely, being able to pinpoint the moment. Usually I'm already down, and I fuzzily think to myself, "oh look..."

He had me go make his lunch for the next day then, and it was interesting to be doing a routine task spacey like that, sort of like being punch-drunk. Sir came into the kitchen to remove my leash, but apparently I made a sad face so he left it on. 

When I was done with his lunch, he dragged me into the office and had me kneel next to him as he was sitting in his chair. He had me sit there with him as he played Skyrim. He would pet my head at odd intervals.

He asked if I wanted a pillow to kneel, and I declined. I'm not sure if it would have helped. I have a really hard time kneeling. Not so much staying on my knees, but sitting back on my legs when kneeling. The pressure immediately cuts off circulation to my lower legs and feet, and begins hurting. I'm wondering what I can do to train myself to kneel better, or endure it better at least. I am not a graceful kneeler. I spend my time wiggling and alternating getting on all fours, which I think amuses Sir, especially when he's petting my head. He said I looked uncomfortable, and I told him that I was thinking of asking him if I could sit pretzel style. He immediately said no. Though I hurt, it pleased me, that he would deny me the comfort. I need to learn to submit in situations like that with grace. I do it, but I should do it gracefully and make it look effortless, which I definitely don't.

Sir finished his game and it was time for bed! Sir let me wear my shorts to bed (it's my time of the month) which was nice of him. But he did not permit me a shirt. Learning to sleep without clothes will take some getting used to.

It was nice to have an evening like this. Usually our evenings end in some kind of sex. (Not that I'm complaining about sex). Sir said that because I mentioned my discomfort due to time of month issues, he decided not to end the evening with sex, and it was kind of nice. To have a scene not end in a typical "let's fuck now" fashion. To just do it for the sake of the merit in the activities themselves. The domination and submission.

Though he did say last night, that I better be ready for today because it is ON when he gets home!
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