Saturday, May 18, 2013

I need to be taken in hand

It's been forever, I know. Things have been a little crazy with me. Sir and I are okay; its just my work life getting in our way, as usual.

Sir's plan was to start reintroducing D/s into our lives slowly, so I wouldn't be too overtaxed. He started by reintroducing my bedtime. And for a few days, I was good. In bed by 11, sending him my goodnight text. But then I just stopped. Sure I was physically in bed most of the time, but I would play games or watch Netflix or the like. And I stopped texting him when I would go to bed. I'm honest with my Sir- I made no attempts to deceive him. But I he never checked up on me. Never brought me to task for being late. For not contacting him. I was not punished, or even reprimanded. And so, I continued to make no effort there. If I'm not held accountable, I suppose there's no outward incentive to keep in line. I know intellectually that inside motivation, the desire to be the best submissive that I can be, and wishing to please my Sir should be motivation enough without requiring  positive or negative reinforcement. But with all the stress and being busy, I suppose that I need more.

Tonight I finally asked for more. For months, D/s has been nonexistent so that I could function better. But, I'm not. Left to my own devices, I'm not flourishing. I'm drowning here. Sir has stated that my perseverance despite all I have going on is heroic, but I certainly don't feel like a hero. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. Since being left to my own devices, and largely having to take care of myself, I've not been doing so good of a job. I'm working to death, not sleeping enough, eating terribly... I'm late to work. Often. And though it bothers me, I suppose it doesn't bother me enough to make me get my ass there on time, like I should.

So, because I'm such a hot mess, tonight I finally asked Sir to step in. Hold me accountable. Enforce standards of conduct. Help me behave the way I should. For me personally, and as his submissive. Because I can't do this on my own. I need to be managed. I need to be under his hand.

I guess I acknowledged that I'm ready to take on more. Maybe it's not because life has thrown me a bone, and I can put more on my plate. But perhaps it's because without his control, I don't think I can handle what I've got.

Now, watch. In a few months I may look back and regret I ever opened my mouth. Be careful what you wish for.

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