Friday, October 05, 2012

How Much of My Feelings Should I Let Through?

Sir and I had a bit of a difficult night, tonight.

I've been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress lately. My outdoor job suddenly needs me A LOT, and I've been working nearly every day. I have this new upcoming job that has been really disorganized. They've changed my position twice, and I've not even started yet. The workload for the position they now want me for is going to be enormous, but I don't have ANY time off to prepare. I have a training for them tomorrow, and I'm hoping to address these concerns. I'm getting fed up and anxious. But I need this job so badly that I can't really tell them where to go.

My home life has been rather difficult. My roommate has been just that - my ROOMmate. But it's been taking a toll on us. No privacy. No autonomy. Plus the fact that we're both in our late twenties with steady relationships make things awkward to have been sharing a bedroom. We had to find a different solution, so everyone had to move around. Her boyfriend built her a loft in one of our closets. I switched to a smaller room. To do that, the house is upside down. My adorable cat urinated on ALL of my clothes, bedding, and baggage that I had placed on the couch during this move for a reason that I cannot fathom. And the couch too. And the bottom of my closet. So I've been trying to work on what he peed on and where so I can try to get it out. It's way too many items, definitely over 50% of my things. Some of these items are irreplaceable - hand made, by me. Some of them can be replaced, but I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe. So I'm attempting to get the odor out. I've spent the past few days smelling everything and putting them into piles.

Sir called me tonight while I was in the middle of this. My nose is shot - it sounds like I have a cold, but I don't. Usually, I try to keep my mood as pleasant as possible for him, whether he knows it or not.I try not to let him see my anger, especially if its not directed at him. But tonight, he got a big dose of my angst. I wasn't yelling or anything, but in the middle of talking, he says abruptly - "can I just call you back later?" I said okay, but I was upset inside. Both at him and myself.

I'm upset with myself because my feelings and anger obviously upset Sir. He didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with it. He tried, but in this situation there's really nothing he can do. So maybe, I should keep these things inside and not bring him down. I'm supposed to uplift him, not drag him with me.

On the other hand, this is who I am. I am a grouchy person. I've told him this intellectually, but I don't usually present that side of myself to him. But I think he needs to know. He needs to know me - all of me. And I don't respond well to being overstressed. Which I am; a lot. So, I guess I feel like he needs to learn to deal with it, or handle me. As my Dom.

But if its not my place to be like that, I need to learn to channel these feelings in other ways. Usually, when I'm upset, I'll try and confront the person involved. Except here, I really can't. I can't go yell at my cat and gain any sort of closure. I can't just do a quick wash of these things and have it be okay. I can't tell my job to get their shit together. I can't have the house magically fix itself.

So where is the line? Do I keep it in, or do I let it out? Or some other option I can't think of?

Sir called back and apologized for essentially "hanging up on me" (his words). He said that he didn't know what to do, and he couldn't help. So I suppose that means that I should try to keep it contained. On the other hand, I'm sort of upset with him because he can't handle me. This happens from time to time. We're growing, we're learning...except I suppose I feel that he's not. I don't feel he spends time trying to research, or think of new things. I feel that our D/s relationship is stagnant.

Sitting here processing this makes me think that maybe, I should have just stopped. Tried to meditate or relax so I could be in a better state to have a conversation. We don't have any rituals for that. And I'm even hesitant to mention it because I don't want to top from the bottom. I want him to come up with things on his own.

He gave me extra time tonight to write this. But I do have that training early in the morning and I need to head to bed. Time to send a goodnight text and hit the sheets. Maybe sleep will help me process this.

5 comments:

  1. Do you have a space in your relationship where you can talk about concerns, etc without the D/s restricting what you say? It might be a useful thing to exercise as it sounds like you have a few issues that could really do with airing with him. I don't think of it as topping at the bottom, more of an emotional 'red' (or yellow?). Something needs fixing and as your Dom he needs to know that. It sounds like these are all fixable things, too, so it would be a shame to let them fester and spoil your enjoyment of each other. I've found with my Sir that some of our most uncomfortable conversations have been the most beneficial to our moving forward together.

    I hope things get better with the life stresses too.

    J.

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  2. I don't think that mentioning things like that is topping from the bottom. Sometimes we have to tell them these things or they don't know and can't help us.

    On a side note, putting a very generous amount of cheap white vinegar in when you you wash your clothing should help get rid of the cat pee smell. Sometimes you have to do it more than once or let them soak a bit, but it's the only thing I have found that can really get rid of that awful odor!

    I hope that things slow down and even out soon.

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  3. I know this is a huge stereotype, but I find that a lot of men have trouble just listening and letting women vent. They want to be fixers. If there isn't a solution to offer for the problem, I don't think they know what to do. Empathy is not high on their list. Complaining about your job? "Why don't you just get a different job if this one makes you so unhappy?" he says. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just frustrated and want someone to hug me and say "I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated."

    I have a close male friend who I've had to stop sharing some things with because of how he reacts to it, leaving both of us sometimes annoyed. I hope you and he can work this out and he can learn to be a bit more understanding.

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  4. Hi Lea,


    i feel for you. While i think it is noble of you to want to always be joyful with your Dom, it is very important that He know what's going on with you. He may not be able to help you, nor do you actually want or need Him to fix things, but communication is key to any relationship. True, some conversations might be uncomfortable, but He is your Dom and needs to know important things about your mind, body and soul.


    Now then...some suggestions:


    SirW and i have various SAFEWORDS for different situations. Of course there are the typical SAFEWORDS that one uses when playing (Red, Yellow, Green), but We also have an emotional SAFEWORD, Without abusing it, if i am stressed out and emotional and don't feel like i can maintain my composure as His submissive, then i call Our emotional SAFEWORD. This tells Him that i am not myself and need a moment to recover.


    My suggestion would be to communicate your feelings via an email. This allows you to communicate what's going on and why you are out of sorts. This is also good because it allows Him to learn what you are going through without it being live and Him wanting to hang up on you (in a manner of speaking). It also gives Him a chance to think about what you've communicated. Sometimes, We need to give them time to digest what is being communicated.

    i want to encourage you to be more open about how you feel your D/s relationship is going. Doms are not mind readers. It is not topping from the bottom to communicate how you feel about your relationship. If you keep how you are feeling to yourself, you will begin to build resentment toward Him. If you are open, He can choose to adjust or not.


    The cycle of life promises that things change, just as Winter never fails to turn into Spring, but in most cases it requires you to take action. Our environment is a direct reflection of our own life, like a mirror or our shadow...you would not expect your mirror image or shadow to move (change) until you move, right? The funny thing is that you might find that your Dom may also need to vent His frustrations or thoughts on how your D/s relationship is going too. In any case, communication is key, so it is up to you to take action first and see what reaction He will have.


    i will send you some positive prayers/vibrations and trust you will get through this.


    ~hugs~


    kitten{SirW}

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