Thursday, August 30, 2012

Earning the Bed

This weekend I was able to earn sleeping in a bed with Sir. Just the bed. Unless I was in the bed, I had to stay on the floor, or stand. Sir made it pretty clear to me that he did not relish the thought of spending another night alone in his bed while I was so very close. But he hasn't come up with anything specific as to how I could earn my way into his bed. That is very frustrating to me; to have goals and restrictions but no clear way to earn them. It's the same with his mark. It's hard to go about earning something with no guidelines. I suppose "be the best submissive to me that you can be" is the best guideline I have, but I need a LOT of work. It's daunting.

On the other hand, it does put responsibility on me to be more active in my submission and to think of ways to be more pleasing, submissive, and of better service. So it may work, if I can be conscientious and creative and constantly coming up with ideas. I fear I will run out or not be able to think on my feet. Earning the bed was a one-time thing. I will have to earn it again each time, until forever or such a time as Sir deems otherwise.

I knew I had to come up with something pretty good so that I could make both Sir and myself happy, and earn sleeping with him in his bed. So I thought for a few minutes and came up with something. I wanted it to be a very obvious act; not subtle. I wanted it to be something that I wouldn't necessarily like so that I could show Sir that I was serious. I think an act can have more meaning behind it if you know someone is struggling. Doing something that is easy doesn't make a grand gesture.

Before I move on, it's important to know that I was on my cycle. That's not meant to be TMI; it's integral to the gesture. I was not feeling glamorous or attractive. Even when I'm not on my cycle I have some body acceptance issues, as many women do.

Sir left the room for a few minutes. I wish that he'd done that naturally, but I basically asked him to. I then stripped myself of all my clothes, and took a kneeling position on the floor. I made sure to spread my legs wide, and place my hands palm up on my thighs. I felt extremely vulnerable, nervous, self conscious of my body, both outside and in.


Then I waited. And waited. And waited. It was honestly only a few minutes, but it felt like an hour to me. Finally Sir came in. I could almost feel my stomach quivering with nerves. He honestly seemed surprised, but I couldn't tell if he was pleased or not. He said he was...impressed, and that I'd obviously done some reading. I did my best to service my Sir to his wishes, and afterwards we had a talk about headspace and reasons.

He informed me that he was extremely pleased with my choice, and that seeing me in that position was quite hot! I picked that pose because I'd read about it, and it seemed like one that showed my submissiveness. Kneeling is also difficult for me; I need to practice. Having my legs open, even on a normal day makes me uncomfortable, even more so under the circumstances. I was initially at a loss in where to place my hands, but I liked the idea of having them face up. They're open and ready for anything he would wish of them, rather than closed, flat, or inaccessible. He did think to himself upon entering the room that I must have been really uncomfortable both physically and mentally, and he was right... but I wanted to offer that part of myself to him... it was part of the gesture.

And after it all, Sir let me have a nice bath with my book and I got to tuck into bed beside him and cuddle to sleep! What shall I do to earn my place beside him next time?

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