Thursday, July 19, 2012

What We Both Need

Writing that post last night was both a blessing and a curse. I knew it was a bit over the top; Sir never gets any sort of vitriol directed at him from me. He has seen me mad and upset at others while he is around, but those feelings were never directed toward him before.

But maybe he needs that. After writing what I did, which was absolutely an accurate representation of my feelings of frustration and anger that I’ve been having for quite a while, I went to bed (on time; at least I could do that). I did not text him goodnight; I just got into bed. He didn’t read my post until after I had fallen asleep and in the morning I had messages that he was disappointed in himself, and that we need to fix this ASAP, and that I was to be ready by 8pm to have a discussion. I could see why he was being so assertive; it was an immediate attempt to address the situation and provide a feeling of being controlled. But after not getting any of that for so long, I had a feeling of: “Oh, so NOW you want to tell me what to do? NOW you’re ready to be the Dom that I need, and that you said you’d be?”

On the other hand, I also had feelings of regret similar to the ones you get when you wake up hungover wishing you hadn’t done what you did, said what you said, called who you called… but you can’t take it back. And at the end of the day, this is a blog about a real D/s relationship. It’s not sunny side up all the time. And there’s no good without the bad.

It’s not one-sided. Sir has issues with me too; mainly being that I am busy ALL THE TIME. And he’s right to a degree. But looking honestly at my schedule, there’s not much I can do about the things I do pencil in there. And I feel as though he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. For the 5 things I agree to, there are another 20 that I have to decline. And some of it is work related events and the like that I really can’t just say no to.

It’s not like I purposely put things in my schedule to avoid seeing him. I also don’t think he understands WHY I’m busy – where do all these events and things to do come from? Without trying to sound like an overly conceited girl that I would hate; I have a lot of friends. Some acquaintances, but moreso a largeish close core of friends, especially from a collegiate fraternity. And I like staying in touch. So when they invite me to things, I WANT to go. It’s hard to keep in touch and keep a friendship alive as an adult, so making it to things is important to me; I feel like I let friend relationships slip through the cracks way too much.

I feel like Sir doesn’t have any “real” friends, besides me. And I feel like an insipid teenager for writing things about “twue friends”. But take his best friend – we’ve been together for a year and a half now, and I’ve never even met the guy. In the time we’ve been together, he’s seen this guy ONCE. He does have some gaming buddies, but I thought they were just people he gamed with; not had meaningful friendships with. He enlightened me a bit on that, but while I do think they’re closer than I thought, I’m still not sure it’s the same; he rarely does things with these fellows besides gaming.

He’s also a bit of a homebody. While trying to plan what we should do in North Carolina, my friend asked me what Sir would like. I had such a short list it was painful. He would like to check out the tabletop gaming scene, and he likes to go to movies. He’ll even go alone if I’m not around. That’s it. That’s all I could tell her that he does on his own. He informed me today that he wants to go to the aquarium. I thought that was purely for my benefit, but I’m pleased to know it’s a genuine interest. That being said, Sir is extremely open minded and will go to and try just about anything. But it seems hard for him to come up with things on his own. He said we have the opposite issues – I am busy all the time, and he as an overabundance of free time that we need to rectify.

We looked at my June schedule. I worked 19 days in a row that month. Besides that, I saw Sir a couple of times on the weekends, and the one weekend I actually had completely off, I took my parents out for birthdays/father’s day, which I don’t think is unreasonable.

July – the first weekend, he had a convention, and I hung out with my roommate for her birthday. The next weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party, and I took that same friend out for her birthday the day before. I could have not taken her out, being that we were going to her party. Though, I have said no to her several times because I never have time. It’s a hard balance. This weekend I have a meeting for a volunteer position I took on (The position itself is mostly online and communication, and there was no one else to fill it. Volunteering is optional, but doing the job is not. Sir and I talked about this before I took the position on; there were other positions that would have required more time commitment that I turned down). The weekend after I’m going on a week long camping trip that has been in the works for over a year now. Sir laughed last year when he saw that in my calendar; now he sees why I plan in advance.

When we return from the trip in August, I turned down a party a friend of mine is throwing, and depending on how late we get back, I’m going right to Sir's and staying over until Sunday. August is actually not that bad for Sir. Next weekend after the trip, Sir and I are going to spend a weekend together in Pennsylvania and I’ll get to meet his best friend for the first time. The weekend after that I have a family reunion in Virginia, and I somehow have to figure out how I can squeeze in the bridal dress shopping of my close friend when I’m her maid of honor. The weekend after that, I put entirely for Sir, and declined another friend’s party. And the final weekend of the summer, I’m also spending with Sir driving down to North Carolina to stay with friends/road trip/check out a potential living destination. All in all, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or bad. We also see each other at least once during the week. Once September comes, I am going to TRY my best to make sure Sir and I get at least two weekends a month to OURSELVES. It’s not enough to see each other, or attend a social function. We need extended alone time, that’s the problem here. We need time to connect, and to be able to fully be ourselves; our dynamic is not for everyone, it might make others uncomfortable, and much of it SHOULD be private, just for our intimacy’s sake. I’m hoping that having more weekend time will help, but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.

We talked about him and consistency. He says he’s going to have to be firmer with me. However, after him not being firm, I’m sure he’s going to have a time of it; I’m positive that my reaction is not going to be to just take it. I’m going to naturally rebel and he is going to have to be prepared to deal with it.

We also talked about him doing more leading. Because we live an hour apart, I’ve expressed interest to him multiple times in setting up things that we can do when we’re not together to keep our relationship going. I’ve been really diplomatic about it. But none of it’s really happened. And D/s has more and more fallen to the wayside. I just feel awful inside. On the one hand, I do think this could help us. On the other hand, he is the Dom and I am the sub and I’m not the one that is supposed to be telling him what to do. I don’t want to top from the bottom. But what we have is not working and SOMETHING needs to be done. And with all his abundant free time it frustrates me to no end that he’s not choosing to take that time to develop this, or do research or… anything. I do think about it and research when I can (which isn’t even as often as I would like). It makes me wonder sometimes if this is really for him. Is this really who he is and what he wants?

Me, I know that I want to be submissive. Sir is my first Dominant ever. And I’m not making any plans for that to be different. But if for whatever reason we were to break up tomorrow, I would NOT seek another vanilla relationship. This is what I want. This is the dynamic that I need to be happy. I try my best to seek it. But even with researching and thinking about things, I don’t feel I can be submissive if there’s nothing to submit TO.

Submission is not a natural thing for me either – In my “real” life, I’m usually very outgoing, assertive, boisterous and the like. But in relationships, being in control doesn’t work for me. I chew my men up and spit them out. I think I just can’t be with someone who can’t keep me in line. I run all over those men, and I lose respect for them ultimately. Its why I need Dominance. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been so happy, fulfilled, and in love in, when we were working at it. I thought I’d never have those intense feelings ever again.

But all this makes me wonder if Sir really is a Dominant. If this is what he needs to be happy. Yes, Sir likes aspects of kink, and I certainly think he needs those to be happy, but the Domination part? I wonder. It’s an awful lot of work, and though he has the time, he’s not putting in the work. Is it not fulfilling for him, or is it laziness? Either way, we’ve got problems. He has a hard time keeping his own life together. How can he control me if he can’t even keep his own shit together? He’s got a chronic history of not finishing things, which does bother me. Will this be one of those things in his life? I can’t let that be, but I don’t know what to do to help.

All this also makes me wonder, what is the submissive responsibility in a situation like this? Obviously it can’t ALL be on the dominant. So what is the sub role here? I can try to be supportive. I can try to offer suggestions. But if you’ve offered suggestions that haven’t been taken, and you try to be supportive of things, then what do you do? Honestly. For us, it’s taken me having a bit of a blow up on the internet of all places to be the impetus behind a much needed conversation, some of which we’ve spoken about before. It’s just hard, because I’ve talked about this before, just not with anger. Sir says that he doesn’t get “subtle”. But I’ve not been subtle, I’ve flat out given suggestions. Should I have to get an airhorn for that to work?

I’m not sure but I’m way past my bedtime (with Sir’s not only permission but demand that I write and not go to sleep until I’m done). Tomorrow we’ll meet up and I’ve been given instructions on appropriate dresses to bring. We’ll see what he comes up with to try and set a spark for re-aligning our relationship. I think my spark was my firebomb of a mouth. And now I’ll close it; it’s been flapping too much this evening.

2 comments:

  1. Wow! You sure you wrote this and not me?! So similar to where i'm at it's uncanny. I hope it works out for you -I'll be looking forward to hearing about it.
    Hugs, melinda.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think it will work out, little by little. As I write this, Sir's got his hands around me.

    Though it really does help me to know that others are having the same feelings and frustrations. I guess misery loves company? (though I'm not miserable per se). I hope it works out for you, and I'll want to hear about it!

    ReplyDelete

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